Chapter 3 - Tonight, I'll lose my head

A/N: Thank you everyone for your reviews. The length of this chapter got away from me so apologies for the long read...

It was 7pm and Lisbon was still at her desk going through training reports that weren't even due for another two weeks. The others had left early, keen to reconnect with Jane over drinks. Socialising with Jane was generally fun and on those rare occasions where he indulged in a few too many and really let himself go they could become the stuff of legend. Her team had tried to drag her along but she'd resisted, falling back to her standard excuse of too much work. It was only partially successful as Grace had extracted a promise to join them later.

Lisbon started shutting down her laptop. 'Later' was well and truly upon her and in any case she hadn't been productive for the last hour. Teresa was a woman at war with herself. Part of her longed for the camaraderie of drinks with her team (and especially Jane if she was being honest with herself) and another part wanted time to process this sudden and significant change in her life. After an absence, a painful absence of a year and half Jane was back; come Monday morning he would be part of her team again.

Could things return to how they were before Jane took off with Lorelei and the subsequent arrest of Red John? Did she even want to go back to how things were? A lot had happened in her life since then. Lisbon knew within herself she had changed, was a different person to the Senior Agent all too often finding herself trailed in the wake of a brilliant but profoundly damaged man.

Professionally Jane's absence had been a good thing. After the initial damage control period of protecting him from the consequences of his actions (again) she'd been free to focus on solid, professional, not to mention clever and insightful police work. As complaints and shaky confessions were replaced with solid evidence and air tight cases Lisbon was able to mend many of the bridges that were all but burnt thanks to Jane's intransigence.

Her close rates remained incredibly high and while yes, her team might have taken an extra few days or even a week to solve a case there were other compensations. Her relations with local police bodies greatly improved with all the benefits that came from that. Additionally, their court appearances now became straight forward formalities saving many days of interstate travel as trials closed early or went straight to sentencing.

Her team's reputation soared as their peers and colleagues were reminded of what a good unit they were in their own right rather than just plodding adjuncts to the genius consultant. Lisbon benefitted the most from this recognition. It was a period of affirmation, a chance to re-establish the credentials that had marked her as a high flyer and one of the youngest senior agents across both the CBI and its parent body the Federal Police. The return of her professional standing was a welcome surprise, all the more so because she hadn't realised how much she'd missed it. It served to re-invigorate her faith in the institutions of law enforcement and justice to which she had dedicated so much of her adult life.

Her personal life had been another story. Lisbon had been left to ponder just how much Jane had meant. She missed him profoundly; a constant ache that surprised and scared her with its intensity. She had grown apart from friends before, let ties drift as she changed cities or they did but it had never felt like this. Even her failed relationships had never left her with this level of heart ache. She started having odd, disturbing dreams, not quite nightmares but extremely disquieting.

A common one revolved around talking to her team at a crime scene and realising her teeth were starting to crumble in her mouth. She'd try to act normal, try to speak in monosyllables but no matter what she did her teeth continued falling apart. On waking she couldn't help but feel her jaws to make sure it had just been a dream.

The arrival of Jane's postcards had helped. At least she knew he was alive, that he hadn't completely written the CBI out of his life. But they were also unsatisfactory, superficial. They did nothing to assuage the hurt that he could just up and leave, walk out on a friendship she'd treasured and had thought he valued in return. Jane was so different to anyone else she had known, perhaps she had misinterpreted his behaviour, perhaps he was incapable of seeing people as anything other than marks, sources of amusement or useful for what could be gotten from them but nothing beyond that. Deep down she couldn't believe that but in weaker moments it preyed on her mind.

Lisbon's life became a cycle of long hours of intense, fulfilling work alternated with an unsettled personal life where she vacillated between mourning the ending of a unique friendship and a holding to a faint hope that time would see it restored. Then, one evening some three months after Jane's departure she found a letter from him in her mailbox.

It was hidden amongst more mundane correspondence and it took a few moments for its significant to register. Her chest constricted in shock and anticipation. Annoyed at her reaction she tried to will her body to relax. With a contrived nonchalance she deposited her phone, keys and the like, set the electric kettle to boiling and sat down in her living room. She carefully slit open the envelope. Inside was a postcard from Bondi, Sydney. She barely registered the scene before flipping it over.

Teresa,

I feel like I'm drowning. I walk around, drive around, talk to people, but all the time it's like I can't catch my breath. It's that feeling of panic you get when you dive under water and hold your breath for too long. Only my head isn't under water and I can't come up for air.

Even now there is no sense of closure, no peace. It's been three months since we caught him and NOTHING is better. I feel like a failure. The one thing I could have done for my wife and child was to kill the man who killed them. But my resolve was inadequate, I allowed myself to be distracted by other concerns. I was a coward. I remain a coward.

Every day I am left to ponder… Why am I still here? What good do I do? Why do I even bother to carry on? I don't mean to scare you but I'm a complete mess.

In a way this is good, it's what I deserve. Why should I be able to move on? Poor Angie and Charlotte can't. They are forever gone and I must bear my share of that burden.

I've failed you too. I've failed everyone that matters. Please don't waste time worrying about me (that's probably a vain hope, saint that you are, but please try). Just forget about me. I wish I could.

Patrick.

Somehow Lisbon managed to reign in her emotions as she read the brief letter through. She clamped her jaw till it hurt in order to prevent herself crying. Once finished, she exhaled sharply and dashed the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. She breathed carefully for a few minutes, put the letter down, tried not to let herself be overwhelmed. That stupid bastard. That stupid, prideful, selfish bastard. How typical of him to put forward such a naked cry for help and then deny her any opportunity to reach out to him, to tell him the things he needed to hear and force him to believe them.

With a strangled noise she picked it up Jane's letter and read it again and then again. She tried to glean some extra meaning, a sliver of hope, a sign that despite his misery Jane might be on the road to healing. Then she hugged herself tightly and began to cry in earnest.

She cried for Jane but also for herself. She cried for the loss of something that she had never dared fully acknowledge to herself until after he was gone. She cried for the loss of her best friend, of the simple pleasure they had taken in each other's company. She cried for the loss of a dream, that when the moment came and the killer was finally brought to justice, that Jane would find a measure of peace and a happier life, and that maybe he would share part of that life with her.

Teresa Lisbon really should have known better. Life was rarely kind; she had learnt that hard lesson at a young age and more fool her for thinking that life owed anyone any happiness. Bad things happened to good people, good things happened to bad people. You got what you got and wishing otherwise never did anyone any good.

Lisbon very rarely drank to excess; the family weakness for drink as a means to deal with sadness was something she feared to give expression. That night, however, she drank measure after measure of scotch before passing out on her couch.

The next morning she woke up with a terrific hangover, that kind that made her wish for death from the bottom of her soul. Lisbon called in sick, swallowed pain killers, drank several bottles of sports drink and then passed out like the dead until the late afternoon.

She awoke to the startling realisation that her headache and nausea were gone. The sense of physical relief was almost shocking. Along with her unexpected but welcome sense bodily wellbeing she'd reached a spiritual one as well. She would be OK. Life went on and now she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she couldn't hold out hope for a man incapable of letting go of his past.

Ambiguity is what Lisbon hated most in life, she'd always preferred the truth, no matter how unpalatable. It was a relief in a way, at least she knew exactly where she stood. Yes, she had meant something to Jane, she refused to consider otherwise, but at the same time she had to acknowledge she had feelings for a man who was emotionally unable to give her what she deserved or needed.

It was time to let go of naive fantasies and move on. She was not getting any younger, and fulfilling as her job was, Lisbon knew that she could not be satisfied with that alone.

Lisbon emerged from her reverie. She had moved on and could take great strength from that fact. Nevertheless, did she want to go stirring up feelings that she had laid to rest long ago? She stared at the car keys on her desk, weighing her choices. She felt unaccountably nervous, which was ridiculous to feel over something as trivial as drinks. She sighed in frustration. She wasn't a teenager for Christ's sake! This second guessing was pathetic. Maybe it was time to stop overanalysing and rationalising and just go with what felt right, with what made her happy. Seeing Jane with her team would be fun. She snatched up her keys and strode purposefully towards the elevator.

Jane had met up with the others at the Hippo bar, an upstairs venue that offered an intriguing mix of jazz and burlesque to a relatively quiet clientele, all at a volume that actually allowed conversation. The time had passed quickly and pleasantly with Jane catching up on the doings of the others while also regaling them with some highlights from his caravanning adventures.

The conversation was deliberately easy with no direct mention of Red John or questioning of Jane's attempted vengeance and subsequent flight. Of course he had updated them on his intention to re-join the team and was both touched and surprised by how positively it was received.

As he basked in the conversation of his friends and their clear affection for him Jane reflected that he hadn't felt this sense of acceptance since he'd left. Still, he couldn't relax completely, not with Lisbon yet to make her appearance. He forced himself to appear indifferent and deliberately asked no question about their team leader and her doings. For their part the team also didn't mention Lisbon a great deal, focussed as they were on their own stories.

It was Jane's shout and after collecting orders he was making his way to the bar when he spotted Lisbon in the doorway. He quickly waved her over.

"There you are, he said. I was starting to wonder if you'd pike on us."

"I wouldn't have missed this for the world", said Lisbon. I just had a lot of work to catch up on and I figured I needed to make a sizeable dent before you swamped us all with fresh complaints."

Jane knew there was more to it than that but decided to let it go. "Spoken like someone who needs a strong drink! Something red?"

"Sounds good! I'll go say high to the others".

Jane continued on to the bar and made his order, including a nice Petaluma Shiraz for Lisbon.

Cho spotted Lisbon when she was called over by Jane and quickly alerted the others. "OK, the boss is here. We stay for a round of drinks and then call it a night".

Rigsby started in surprise. "We're all having a good time here, why leave early?".

"Just make an excuse", said Cho. "You know how things were when Jane left. Now that he's back he and the Boss need to hash things out and the sooner we leave them to it the better". He stared a Rigsby and Grace, ensuring they understood the message. They looked at each other and nodded.

"Good, that's settled then", said Cho.

The team welcomed Lisbon and for the next hour they reminisced about old times, old cases. Lisbon was just starting to fully relax after her glass of wine when Cho abruptly excused himself for the evening, which prompted Wayne and Grace to do the same. She though briefly of calling it a night as well but her second glass had just been ordered and she wasn't in a mood to leave it behind.

For his part, Jane had no interest in going anywhere; indeed he suspected that Cho may have engineered the situation. He and Lisbon waved off the rest of the team and then a period of introspective quiet settled over them. Lisbon sipped her wine. Jane had switched from beer to mineral water and it sat fizzing at his elbow.

"so, seriously, how've you been?" prompted Jane with a smile.

"same as always", Lisbon responded guardedly, "how about you?"

"Never better", Jane answered breezily. Another silence fell. Jane sighed.

"Well this is going awkwardly", he said. We haven't seen each other in damn near 18 months and it's like we have nothing to say. Let's try a different approach".

Lisbon was immediately suspicious. "Like what?"

"Life is short, Teresa". I know in the past it took us forever to get a point we could discuss anything real but do we want to go down that road again? I left and I know you have things you want to get off your chest about that and I have things I want to explain as well. Not to mention catch up on everything about you I've missed. So let's get to it. I propose we take turns asking each other any question we want. Full disclosure. I'm game if you are. You can even ask the first question.

Lisbon studied Jane carefully, weighting up his words and deciding how seriously to take him. "Any question at all?"

"Any question. I'll hold you to that as well, of course. "

Lisbon took slow sip of wine as she pondered Jane's offer. On the one hand Jane was offering an unprecedented opportunity to peer behind his mask and really learn how he was doing. On the other she knew from long experience that any deal he offered always came with a catch. In this case he was no doubt banking on his superior ability to dissemble or outright lie.

Then again what did she have to lose? At worst she would learn nothing new and that in itself would be an answer as to his emotional state. On the flip side she was a great deal more comfortable with the person she was and how she felt.

She quirked a smile she HAD changed and little did Jane realise what he was getting into. Jane was the master of deception. She had no hope of competing with him on that score, but she could challenge him with open-ness and honesty (well at least to a point; some things she would take to her grave). If that didn't send him running for the hills, well, then it would be all the more worthwhile to be open with him.

"All right, she said, smiling brightly, it's a deal, but you'd better order me something to eat before this wine goes completely to my head."

Jane rubbed his hands together in glee, "Excellent, Teresa, you won't regret this". He felt momentary concern that she had so readily agreed but brushed it aside. He went to the bar and as usual managed to attract the attention of one of the bar staff within seconds. An order was swiftly placed and he was back in the space of two minutes.

Lisbon observed the entire transaction with quiet amusement. No question the man still had it. Whatever his travails he'd retained the ability to effortlessly dazzle women who drifted within range of his radiant smile and charming manners. She wondered if part of the appeal was his obvious lack of design beyond the interaction. They could bask in the warmth of his sun like attention without concern he'd linger on to the point of burning.

"Any question", she reiterated as he resumed his place. Jane nodded. Lisbon studied the depths of her wine glass before directing her green gaze directly at him. "How are you doing? I mean really doing. Have you managed to heal, to move on a little?

Jane sighed. "I won't deny that it has been, difficult, but I have started to come to terms with what happened to Angie and Charlotte and my place in that".

"Really?" said Lisbon, her tone a mixture of scepticism and hope. Her glance involuntarily flicked to his left hand and the wedding ring he still wore.

Jane didn't miss Lisbon's reaction and he brushed the ring self-consciously. "It's a process", he said defensively. "I've started letting some things go. For the last few months I've been in Sydney organising the sale of my house and other assets. I've been working with my private banker to set up a foundation to help parents who've experienced the loss of a child."

"That must have been hard, but also fulfilling to set up something so meaningful", murmured Lisbon.

"It was exactly that. I had to say goodbye but at the same time I got to make sure something good came out of my having been a con and a fraud. The Charlotte and Angela foundation will hopefully spare some people the level of grief and suffering I went through."

Lisbon grasped Jane's hand. "I'm proud of you and I'm sure that's exactly what they would have wanted. "

Jane smiled shyly for a second, then his expression turned mischievous. "You know, Teresa, I always expected you to ask me just how much money I defrauded off people over the years but you never did. I appreciated that, probably because I was scared you would make me pay everyone back."

Lisbon let of his hand and smiled in return. "Well I might try and see the best in people but I'm not delusional. Besides, I always saw the money as part of your old life, it wasn't relevant to what we were doing and I didn't really think much of it. I just figured your finances would be like that of a rock star, either a great deal more or a great deal less than what people think.

Jane favoured Lisbon with a delighted smile. "You thought of me as a rock star!"

"More like a one hit wonder that people barely remember", she countered in amusement."

"Still that's very astute thinking. In show biz its generally one extreme or the other. In my case I did very well for myself and the way I set things up with my advisers it just continued to look after itself long after I lost all interest."

"I'm sure it did. A private banker, very fancy", she teased. Their food had arrived, along with another wine for Lisbon and she was feeling relaxed and somewhat sated after feasting on Turkish bread with dips, olives and lamb skewers.

Jane looked a little embarrassed. "Well like I said, that's all in the past. I've turned over practically all my worldly goods to the foundation. No more bankers for me. What else can I say on how I'm doing? I'll always miss them but the pain is bearable. When I think of them now it's more often about the happy times we shared.

I'm also done with aimlessly roaming around the country. I've spent entirely too much time inside my head and its time I was around people who know me again. Where better than here at the CBI where I can do some good?"

"How long do you see yourself staying?" Lisbon asked.

Jane was about to reply when he paused. "Nice try. It's my turn to ask you a question."

Lisbon couldn't hide the disappointment on her face. "I don't see why you have to ask me any questions", she grumbled. "You can probably just read everything you want to know."

Jane could never resist a challenge to his mentalist skills. He waved his hands theatrically between them and then leaned forward and focussed an intense gaze on his partner. Lisbon gamely returned the stare before eventually turning aside and sipping self-consciously from her wine.

Jane mentally tallied the queues he'd picked up from his interactions with Lisbon along with her general appearance and demeanour. Her hair was much shorter, barely shoulder length, it reminded him of when he'd first met her over 10 years previously. Her face was as beautiful as he remembered, her lovely green eyes were clear and vibrant. She was well rested, energetic, her movements sharp and precise. She hadn't appeared to have aged at all, indeed the lack of tiredness in her eyes made her look younger. Jane slipped into the gestalt state that accompanied one of his cold readings.

"You look good, very good. Well rested and in good health. You've been in a relationship. Not casual, something more permanent and committed. Maybe not living together but not far off it. He was definitely working towards it. He was good to you and made you happy but you were always wondering if something was lacking. You put on a little weight (that suits you my dear) which you have since lost, probably by getting back into some serious martial arts training. My guess is Tae Kwon Do.

You've cut your hair short (I would have gone shorter still, you know that Peter Pan look we've talked about) which you and I both know suggests your relationship ended, probably fairly recently, the last three months. I'd say you were the one to end the relationship and it was largely amicable. He didn't cheat on you or treat you badly. In fact he'd take you back like a shot if you ever changed your mind. What else can I see? Work has been very good to you. No surprise there you are very good at what you do".

Jane sat back and let out a deep breath, then gulped down some mineral water. He tried to ignore his extreme unease at some of the things he had guessed. Lisbon sat stunned for a few moments, then she blushed furiously. After a few more seconds she was profoundly relieved that he'd misread one crucial detail. She had gone for the pixie look, soon after getting that first letter from Jane.

"I don't even want to think about how you came up with all of that", she said. "I feel like I should put on a tin foil hat. Did you pump Grace and the guys for all they knew?"

"You know I'd never stoop to cheap tricks like that to get a read on someone", Jane lied shamelessly. Lisbon quirked an eyebrow at him. "Well OK I would but I swear I didn't in this case", he amended hastily. "Ask them."

"Well that was impressive and sneaky. You've found out so much and haven't even had to use you're your question yet", said Lisbon wryly.

"Tell me about him", he said softly.

Lisbon set down her empty wineglass. "OK, but just so you know, this is embarrassing. You know I hate talking about personal stuff". She reluctantly made eye contact. Jane's look was eloquent. He had certainly lived up to his end of the bargain thus far. Lisbon sighed.

"His name was, is, Jeff. I met him last year. He's a really great guy. Tall, good looking, works for the Federal Police. I wasn't really looking for anything at the time but he was persistent, in a nice way", Lisbon hastily amened and then smiled to herself.

"Didn't take no for an answer without being too arrogant or pushy. He knew what he wanted, I liked that about him. So we started seeing each other and I guess we just clicked. It was fun, uncomplicated.

Jane nodded quietly, using all his control to hide the sick jealously he felt as Lisbon clearly recalled her time with Jeff, her affection of the man still plain as day.

"He was good to you, he was good for you. I'm glad you found happiness, Teresa. You deserve it more than anyone I know."

Lisbon smiled wistfully. "Yes, he was both those things".

"But you ended it. Why?"

Lisbon's smile immediately vanished. "Why do you want to know that?" she stammered. Then, realising how defensive that sounded she went on that attack. "Besides, that sounds like another question and it's my turn." She wracked her brains for something to throw Jane off the scent. "Tell me what really happened between you and Lorelei", she blurted out.

Jane stilled. He hadn't expected Lisbon to be so direct so early in their game but given the subject of his line of questioning he couldn't really blame her.

"I will answer that question but I think we'll have to go someplace else. This place is about to close up. "

Lisbon looked around and saw he was right. Determined not to let her wily consultant off the hook she acted spontaneously. "Come back to my place. For tea and to continue this conversation", she amended hastily.

"Okay" Jane replied. But I'm driving.

"What? No. No way."

"C'mon Teresa. You've had three glasses of wine and what with all your training your tolerance would be way down. Don't worry, I'll take good care of your baby." He gave her is patented trust me smile and got up to settle the bill before she could raise any further objections.

Lisbon stared after him in irritation but realised this battle was not one she was going to win. She recalled it was Jane who kept ordering her wine while he drank sparkling water. She caught up just as he entered the car park. "It's just like you to get a girl drunk in order to get behind the wheel of her car" she grumbled, tossing her keys in his direction.

Jane just smiled his superior smile. "What else do you suggest I try when I get you drunk?" He triggered the remote to Lisbon's prized Monaro Coupe 60.

"Oh I'm not touching that". Lisbon said as she slid into the passenger seat. "Do you even know how to drive a modern car?"

"Nope" said Jane as he floored the accelerator and peeled out of the lot.

The muscle car sped off; Jane behind the wheel, Lisbon gripping the hail mary handle and yelling at him to slow down, neither of them fully in control.