Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

Rating: T

What If

Chapter 3

Buffy healed quickly but still continued to be withdrawn around the others, only letting herself relax when it was just Dawn and Giles. Although at this moment she was withdrawing into that safe place inside of herself after Giles told her that the council had asked him to make a report on her resurrection in person.

"How long will you be gone?" she asked dejectedly, looking at the floor and picking at her nails.

"A week, ten days at most" he said, gently grasping her chin and lifting her face so he could look at her properly, "Dawn is here and now that you feel comfortable around Tara I'm sure she won't mind helping you"

"But what if I start having the nightmares again?" she asked him, her wide, hazel eyes showing traces of desperate calculation as she was obviously trying to think of ways to keep him near her.

Giles frowned, worried that they might make a reappearance as well. She had continued to sleep curled into him, her head on his chest. The one time he had tried to put some distance between them and returned to his flat, Dawn had rung in the middle of the night, the sounds of Buffy's screams almost drowning out her tearful plea for him to come back.

He would never admit this to anyone but he was finding it hard to sleep without her warmth next to him anyway, he was a little alarmed by how quickly he had grown accustomed to her presence.

"I'm sure you will manage just fine Buffy and Spike has offered to accompany you on patrol while I'm away" he said brushing the backs of his fingers over her cheek. He had wanted her to stay in and rest but she had told him that it was a good idea to get back out there as she was beginning to feel twitchy.

Willow had continued to watch them with a calculating gleam in her eye whenever she was in the same room, which wasn't often, still adamant that she had saved Buffy and deserved a thank you at least. The way she hovered around her made Buffy nervous and Giles was starting to worry about how much she was relying on her magic.

"Will you call?" Buffy asked taking his hand and pushing her fingers between his, leaning her head against his shoulder.

Giles smiled down at her as his heart did the now familiar flip when she took his hand, "Of course I will" he said rolling his eyes when she looked expectantly up at him, "When I land, every morning, after dinner and even while I'm on the toilet" he said completely straight faced.

She sat up and looked at him, "Eww Giles," she said and lightly slapped his arm, "that's just gross" rolling her eyes when she realised he was laughing.

Dawn walked in on them leaning against the back of the sofa laughing so hard they had tears in their eyes. She watched Buffy for a minute, enjoying the way she was really laughing. She hadn't done much more than a quiet giggle since she got back.

"What's so funny?" she asked brightly, dropping down into the chair opposite them.

"Giles is gonna phone us when he's on the toilet" Buffy said trying to hold back her laughter when Giles snorted at the expression on Dawns face.

Dawn had wrinkled her nose and stared at Giles in disgust, "Eww that's just...eww why would you do that?"

"I'm joking Dawn" he said breathlessly, pushing himself upright and coughing into his hand, "I was telling Buffy that I will be going to England for a week or so" he said. Noticing the way Buffy tensed out of the corner of his eye, he turned towards her, ready to reassure her again, but saw Willow coming down the stairs.

"Hey guys" she greeted them cheerily, "I heard the laughing" she said with a smile,"What's funny?"

"Nothing, Giles made a joke is all" Buffy said then stood and left the room.

Giles followed her with his eyes as she disappeared round the corner and looked up at Willow, "I'll be leaving for England tomorrow and I'll be gone roughly ten days" he said blankly, the anger he felt towards Willow still bubbling under the surface.

"Oh? Why?" she asked sitting down in the chair across from Dawn and looking at him with an open, innocent expression.

"The council has requested that I make a report on Buffy's resurrection in person and it gives me a chance to tie up a few loose ends at the same time" he said sitting back and crossing his legs, "Spike will be helping Buffy on patrol and I will leave a contact number on the fridge"

"Spike doesn't need to help her, I can do for her what I did for you guys over the summer" she said with a frown.

Giles sighed, "You're a stupid girl" he said quietly and Dawn shrunk back against the chair she was in hoping to blend into the back of the chair, hearing the anger in his voice but not wanting to miss what she thought was coming.

"Yeah you said that already" Willow replied angrily.

"Do you have any idea what you've done? The forces you've harnessed, the lines you've crossed?" he asked, the edge to his voice getting sharper.

"I did what I had to do, what no one else could do!" she shouted at him, her eyes flashing black for a second.

"Think, just for a second, about what you've done to Buffy" he snapped, all pretences of civility disappearing at her arrogance, "And you are not the only one with the power to do what you did, believe me".

"I brought her back Giles, maybe the words you're looking for are thank you" she sneered at him.

"Having Buffy back in this world is...it's indescribably wonderful but I'm not thanking you and neither is anyone else" he snapped back.

"Yes I had noticed how much closer you are to her now, bet you feel great that she's all needy and weak" she insinuated standing and walking away from him.

"You have no idea what you're talking about Willow!" he shouted jumping to his feet and grabbing at her arm, swinging her around to face him. "You have no idea what you have done or the price you may yet have to pay, you were lucky to have survived channelling that much power!"

"I wasn't lucky. I was amazing" she snapped yanking her arm back, "Anyway, how would you know? You weren't even there. You were at home probably passed out drunk again"

"If I had been I would have bloody well stopped you!" he shouted ignoring the jibe, baring down on her, his fists clenched by his sides, "The magicks you channelled are more ferocious and primal than anything you can hope to understand, you rank, arrogant amateur!"

"You're right, the magicks I used were very powerful, I'm very powerful so maybe it's not such a good idea to piss me off" she said calmly, glaring at him.

Giles blinked in surprise and stepped back, "You still have no idea where she was or what happened to her and I'm far from convinced she's come out of this undamaged" he said before turning away from her and rubbing his hand down his face.

He looked down at Dawn ready to apologise to her for possibly scaring her with his outburst but saw her staring past them into the hallway, a horrified expression on her face. He whipped around and saw Buffy standing there, her face pale and wet with fresh tears.

"Get out" she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Buffy, I..." Giles started his heart dropping into his stomach.

She looked at him, her expression softening slightly before looking back at Willow with a glare, "You, get out, now" she said still not raising her voice.

"Yeah good idea, maybe we all need to take a beat, calm down" Willow said and brushed past her, grabbing her purse as she left the house, slamming the door behind her.

"Are you ok?" Buffy asked Giles walking towards him, covering his hand with hers when he cupped her cheek.

"Yes Buffy, I'm fine" he said brushing his thumb over her cheek, wiping away a few tears "I'm sorry you had to hear that"

Buffy shrugged and sat down on the arm of the chair Dawn was in and stroked a hand down her hair, "S'ok, had to happen sooner or later"

"Yeah," Dawn said leaning her head against Buffy's side, "I'm actually impressed you lasted this long before blowing up at her"

Giles sat on the coffee table and smiled shyly at Dawn, "I've had other things to think about other than what Willow has done" he said resting his elbows on his knees.

"Am I damaged Giles?" Buffy asked quietly still stroking Dawns hair.

"No!" Giles said sharply, his head snapping up to stare at her, "No Buffy, you're not damaged"

"But?" she said watching his face for the tell-tale signs he was worried about something. Sure enough he sighed and brushed a hand through his hair.

"But we have no idea what being dragged out of...where you were" he said with a quick glance at Dawn, almost having spilled the big secret, "has done to you and no way of finding out and having to, to dig...that will most certainly have left a little scarring"

"You know where she was don't you?" Dawn asked quietly as she watched them stare at each other, "Was it...were you in Hell?" she asked Buffy, looking up at her with apprehension.

Buffy closed her eyes for a second then looked at Giles, she gave him an almost imperceptible nod and he sighed. He leaned forward and took Dawns hand while Buffy continued playing with her hair.

"No Dawn, she wasn't in a Hell dimension" he said gently in a whisper, "She was in a Heavenly one"

Dawns eyes widened and she looked up at Buffy, "Really, you were in Heaven?"

Buffy put her finger to her lips as she nodded sadly and clenched her hands in her lap, "I, I think so. I was happy and warm and loved and I knew that everyone I cared about was safe, I was finished. I think I saw Mom and Grams, it's getting fuzzier the longer I'm back, but now everything is harsh and bright and cold and I'm miserable except..." she blinked and looked up at them then looked back down at her hands, a blush colouring her cheeks.

"Except what Buffy?" Giles asked her gently, relieved that she was finally opening up.

"Except, uh, except when you're with me, you and Dawn, and Tara now, sometimes with Xander too but mostly I'm still cold all the time" she mumbled still looking down at her hands, "and Willow is waiting for me to thank her for saving me"

"Maybe, and don't bite my head off ok, but maybe you should just say it and she might back off, leave you alone" Dawn said looking timidly up at her.

"Dawn may have a point there" Giles muttered, looking thoughtfully into the air over their shoulders.

"But she didn't save me" Buffy said angrily.

"I know love but I can't help but feel happy that you are back" he said smiling sadly at her, "and I hope that perhaps you are a little as well".

She looked back at him, her blush deepening, "Willow said, well she said that you were probably, uh, passed out" she said awkwardly looking down at her hands again.

"Yes, well, I, uh, wasn't 'dealing' as you say" he said standing and walking over to the fireplace.

"I'm sorry" Dawn muttered sinking down into the chair.

"Why?" Buffy asked her beating Giles to it.

"You jumped to save me and Giles turned into broody drunk guy coz you died and it's all my fault" she mumbled as tears began to drip from her lashes.

"No Dawn" Buffy said sliding off the arm of the chair onto the seat next to her and wrapping her in her arms, "death was my gift, I figured it out remember"

Giles cleared his throat and sat back on the coffee table, "What the First Slayer told you? You figured it out?" he asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, death was my gift to all of you, to the world" she said with her eyes closed, "Dawn was made outta me, her blood is my blood, she wasn't the only one who could close the portal, obviously" she said with a quick, sad smile, "I was watching the sunrise and it hit me"

"Still my fault" Dawn said wiping at her face.

"No it isn't" Giles said ducking his head to get her to look at him, "My turning into broody drunk guy," he paused to smile at her giggle when he used her words, "had nothing to do with you"

"Yeah that's all on me squirt, don't be trying to steal my thunder on that" Buffy said lightly, tickling Dawn until she shrieked with laughter.

Giles watched her sadly, seeing the blame she felt in her eyes and resolved himself to having a conversation with her when he got back.

Xander drove Giles to the airport before breakfast the next day, shooting worried glances at him every few minutes. Giles was worried himself. Before he'd left, Buffy had reverted back to the scared shell she was when she had first came back. Her eyes darted warily around her as she tried to see in every direction at once and she had nearly jumped clean out of her skin when Xander had honked the horn on his arrival.

"She'll be fine" Xander said as he pulled up to the drop off point at the airport, "We'll all keep an eye on her, don't worry"

Giles sighed and looked over at him, "Don't hover over her will you, she doesn't like that and the incense sticks and candles that helped her sleep when she first got back are in the bureau in the living room in case she starts having the nightmares again" resisting the urge to grin when his memory of what had happened the night before surfaced again. His lips still tingled from the kiss she had given him.

Xander smiled knowingly at him. Unlike Willow, he had seen the relationship changing between Buffy and Giles long before she had died. Even if they were clueless, he saw where it was going. "Got it G-man and no hovering, cross my heart" Xander said with a grin.

"Stop calling me that" Giles snapped and opened the car door as Xander laughed at him.

Xander helped him unload his bags and put them on a trolley. Just as Giles was about to enter the airport he stopped and turned around, "The numbers on the fridge, I've even programmed it into my cell, seriously Giles everything's covered, go already before you miss your flight" he said before Giles could utter a word.

Giles gave him one of his quick shy smiles and disappeared into the terminal.

Buffy had locked herself in the bathroom after he had left and stood under a stream of hot water until the worst of her shakes had passed. Sitting at her vanity drying her hair, she decided that she would try and get back to living so she didn't have to depend on Giles so much.

Not that he seems to mind she thought smiling to herself. She'd known since Highschool that she loved him but it wasn't until her Mom died that she realised she had fallen in love with him. She didn't think she could ever tell him but with the way he reacted to her holding his hand and how he would reach for her if she rolled away from him during the night, she had hope that he didn't need to be told.

She could still remember the joy that had dawned on his face when he saw her standing at his door that first night, the way he would touch her every chance he got like he was trying to make himself believe that she was real and not just a dream. The way he called her love all the time now. The way he had kissed her the night before.

She scowled as Willow called up the stairs to her, asking her if she wanted any breakfast. She slowly lowered her hair dryer and stared at herself in the mirror, wishing Giles was sitting on the bed behind her gently reminding her that she had to eat.

She shook herself and stood up, "No, I can do this" she said aloud and left her room.

Halfway down the stairs her determination crumbled and she started to shake again, wondering what she was actually going to do about Willow. She jumped when Willow ran past the stairs, shouting that she had to run over her shoulder. Buffy breathed a sigh of relief and was able to walk the rest of the way to the kitchen without shaking.

"Hey Dawn" she called out as she pushed open the door to the kitchen, "What's for breakfast then?"

"Food" Dawn said around the mouthful of cereal she was chewing, sticking her tongue out at Buffy's groan.

"Very funny squirt" she said giving her a playful shove.

"I gotta run for the bus, Xander can't take me today coz of something he had to do for Anya after dropping Giles off" Dawn said sliding off her stool and depositing her bowl in the sink with the rest of the breakfast dishes. She dropped a kiss on Buffy's cheek and grabbed up her bag from where she had dumped it by the basement door, "See ya after school"

"Yeah" Buffy replied sadly to thin air. She saw Dawns lunch still sitting next to the fridge and grabbed it as she ran out the door.

"Dawn!" she called from the front door, stopping her as she got to the sidewalk, "You forgot this"

"Oh thanks" Dawn said taking the brown bag from her and shoving it into her bag, "Buffy?"

"Yeah?"

"They just want to know that you're alright" Dawn said gently, "It was really bad with you…gone, and they really did think that they were saving you"

Buffy stared at her in shock, "Willow..."

"Yeah, Willow, she might have just wanted to show off too but she used to cry at night thinking that you were suffering"

"So if I thank them then they'll see that I'm ok and stop hovering?" Buffy asked, her forehead wrinkled in confusion as she thought about what Dawn was saying.

"Maybe, but you won't know unless you try" Dawn whispered before giving her cheek a peck and running off.

Buffy trudged back into the house, thinking about what Dawn had said, And when the hell did she grow up so much she thought watching the sink fill with water and suds. She winced when she realised it must have been because she died.

Later when she was stood outside the Magic Box she could almost hear Giles telling her that she should do what she thought would help her the most. She could remember back in the early days when she would still be sitting at the study table late at night, long after everyone had left, listening to him talk about battle strategies. He had told her that sometimes it was necessary to look at the bigger picture and decide which battles should be fought or which ones she should run from in order to regroup and come back at them from a different angle, refreshed and better prepared.

She had decided that the battle she had been fighting with herself over her friends fell into the latter category.

She watched them for a few more minutes through the window. Willow was talking to Tara at the table as they re-shelved some books, Anya was at the cash register as usual and Spike and Xander looked as if they were trading insults as they moved boxes.

Taking a deep breath she walked in and Willow turned at the sound of the bell jingling over the door.

"Hey Buff, everything ok?"

"Yeah" she replied with a small smile and tucked her hair behind her ear, "Look, you guys, um, there's this thing...so I'm just gonna say it" she said swallowing heavily, "You brought me back. I was in a," she paused and sighed, closing her eyes against the sight of Willow looking slightly smug, "I was in hell. I, um, I can't think too much about what it was like. But it felt like the world abandoned me there. And then suddenly...you guys did what you did".

"It was Willow" Tara said in a whisper, looking at Buffy as if she knew she was lying, "She knew what to do"

"Ok. So you did that. And the world came rushing back. Thank you. You guys gave me the world. I can't tell you what it means to me" she said dredging up a smile for them despite feeling sick to her stomach. She was avoiding looking at Spike who looked horrified at what she was saying, "And I should have said that before"

Willow stepped forward with tears in her eyes, "You're welcome" she said then threw her arms around Buffy, hugging her tightly.

"Welcome home Buff" Xander said coming at her from the side and putting his arms around both of them.

Buffy looked over at Spike when he stood, shaking his head at the affectionate display as he walked through the door that led to the alley. Making her excuses she managed to get out of the hug and follow him.

As soon as she had shut the door behind her he grunted, "That was a fine show you put on Slayer shame it was utter bollocks" he said, folding his arms over his chest as he leant against the wall.

"It's what they needed to hear" she said softly, sitting on the stack of crates near him.

"And what about what you need?" he asked looking at her from his position against the wall, "Coz it sure as hell isn't making nice with the bastards that pulled you out of..."

"No Spike, it's what's best for right now" she said cutting him off. It had been Giles who had spilled the beans to Spike telling her it would help her to have him know, "Don't tell them" she told him, her eyes pleading with him to understand.

"I'm not gonna drop you in it Slayer but you damn well better invite me to see it when you do tell 'em" he huffed dropping himself down on the crate next to her, "How long 'til your Watcher's back?"

"Ten days" she said sadly and Spike nudged her with his shoulder.

"Wanna go out and kill something tonight?" he asked cheerfully.

She smiled at him and stood up, "Sure why not, what else is there to do" she muttered then walked out of the alley and into the sunlight.

Spike watched her leave, his eyes narrowed in speculation. Giles thought that she was hiding something from him and Spike had to agree with him. Now all he had to do was get her to fess up and report back to the lovesick Watcher.

Huffing out his annoyance he lit up a smoke and shifted back so he could lean against the wall. He looked up when the shop door opened and rolled his eyes when Xander stuck his head through.

"Where's Buffy?" he asked him.

"How the hell should I know I'm not her bleedin' keeper" Spike answered him sarcastically.

"Well where is she now?"

"You do ask some stupid fucking questions Harris you know that" Spike said lifting his knee and resting the hand that was holding his cigarette on it, "She walked off that way and in case you hadn't noticed it's a really sunny day and I don't fancy getting a suntan"

"Shame that, the crispy look would suit you" Xander said with a smirk.

Spike just flipped him off and closed his eyes hoping he would just go away.

"Did she say anything to you?" he heard him ask and he sighed.

"No now piss off and let me have this fag in peace" Spike said glaring at him.

"What are you gonna do about it if I don't chip boy?" Xander asked him smugly.

"I could tell Anya I saw you flirting with the girl behind the counter at The Pump" Spike said smirking at the fear that blossomed in Xanders eyes, "haven't seen a good castration since Angelus tortured the stupid wanker who tried to pick his pocket in Madrid".

"Low blow Spike, really thought you were better than that" Xander said glaring at him as he backed into the shop.

Spike just chuckled as he lifted his fag up to his lips, needling Xander always made him feel better.