Bruce sat down with Damian in the kitchen. The boy sat across from him with his hands folded on the table, respectfully waiting for him to begin the conversation. Somehow, someday, he'd teach the brash youth to extend that respect beyond the small handful of people he'd deemed worthy (for the moment though, he'd content himself with being among Damian's 'chosen').
"I was looking through your file in the computer, and I noticed it's been updated in my absence," Bruce began.
"It was incomplete. I filled it in," Damian responded defensively.
"Well, thank you. I'd noticed you listed two dates of birth for yourself. Why is that?"
Damian frowned thoughtfully. "I wasn't sure if I should consider the day the program to create me initiated as my date of birth, or the date I attained the size and brain capacity of a normal newborn infant."
"I think the latter would be more conventional for celebratory purposes. The first one's a bit more like conception."
"Celebratory purposes?" Of course Damian would zero in on what Bruce was really getting at.
Bruce sighed. "By that reckoning, you're turning eleven next month. Would you like a party?"
"Certainly not. I don't need a party."
"I didn't ask if you needed one, I asked if you'd like one. Damian, your socialization's been mostly neglected. I think a few activities beyond what's required of you would be healthy."
"Grayson put you up to this, didn't he?" Damian accused, crossing his arms defiantly. "This positively reeks of him."
"Yes, he did," Bruce readily agreed, regretting his decision to use transparency with his son. Damian answered with a haughty sneer. "And I think he's right. He knows a fair bit more about healthy social interactions than either of us-"
"And he's still not exactly normal, now is he? I think I function fine without frivolous emotional entanglements."
"Alright then."
"Is that all?" Damian asked, rising to leave.
"It is."
"Goodnight Father."
"Goodnight Damian." Bruce nodded at him as he left.
'Surprise party it is then,' Bruce decided. He could always start the full transparency later.
The first floor of the animal shelter smelled wonderful. Even though Ivy acquired most of her sustenance from sun and water at this point, she did occasionally eat food as a sort of social obligation. The rich smell of coffee, pancakes, and perfectly cooked bacon wafting from the kitchen had even her cynical mouth watering.
Still, she had places to be, and the company in this building wasn't worth the inessential nourishment. She passed through the sitting room on the way to the front door and paused.
Harley was sprawled on the sofa, fully awake and in a sulk well before noon. That very much wasn't in her character. In fact, it didn't bode well for any of them for the bubbly blond to be, well, not bubbly.
"Something wrong Harl?" Ivy finally asked, deciding she could be a little late for the job she didn't need.
"No," Harley pouted.
"Okay then. I guess I'll get going-"
"Wait! I mean yeah, yeah! Something's wrong."
It was child's play, getting this one to talk.
Ivy sat down across from her and daintily crossed her legs, causing the impractically short suit skirt she was wearing to ride up. Harley's eyes didn't move from the ceiling, and Ivy felt a little insulted. Part of the reason she let Harley spend time with her was because she enjoyed the attention. Manipulating people sexually, though fun and easy, wasn't necessarily satisfying. Harley was one of the few people (if not the only person) who actively participated enough to earn the label of partner.
Well now they were both in bad moods.
"So what is it?" Ivy snapped.
Harley sniffled like she might start crying. "Stripes cooked Kitty a big romantic breakfast, and he, and he put it on a fancy schmancy tray with a little bud vase, and he-"
"He didn't lay hands on one of my flowers for an idiotic gesture, did he?" Ivy interrupted.
"No, he used plastic cuz of you. See? He's thoughtful. He anticipates things."
"So?"
"He really cares about her…" Harley whined. "And I'm jealous! Stripes is always following Kitty around and doing things for her and asking her about her feelings, and he doesn't even want her to rob anybody or anything! He just likes her! It ain't fair."
Ivy snorted. "I think he's making a pathetic spectacle of himself."
"Yeah…it's love," Harley sighed dreamily.
Ivy shook her head. "I'll never understand why you cling to that kind of sentimentality. Haven't you had enough life experiences to reinforce how terribly it weakens you?"
"Sometimes it's kinda nice to be vulnerable to someone you love. I just picked wrong. I think Stripes might've picked wrong too."
Hm, she really was jealous then. That was interesting. "Harley, you're not craving a monogamous relationship again, are you?"
"Maybe…"
"Bad things happen when you try that," Ivy cautioned.
"I know," Harley pouted. "A little romance would be nice though."
Ivy abruptly stood, deciding she'd rather be at work. "Mind your limits Harl. You never do 'a little' anything." With that parting shot, she left Harley to her brooding.
Harley stayed in the living room for another ten minutes or so, but sitting in the dark sulking by herself when no one was going to notice her melodramatic display quickly lost its appeal. She bounced off of the couch and skipped off to the guest room, where Piper was staying for the duration of his visit.
She rapped on the door. "Hey Ratguy, wake up!"
After a few minutes of continued noise, Piper opened the door with a half-lidded, groggy glare.
"Hiya!" Harley grinned. "I'm lonely. Ya wanna hang out and play some video games?"
He shut the door in her face.
"You coulda said no! Grumpy Gus."
With an adorable pout, she headed back downstairs. When she passed by Selina and James' room she managed to overhear the sounds of creative love making ("Oh…oh yeah, hey, ow!" "Quit being such a whiny bitch Jesse. Now bite down on this." "Yes m'am!").
"Nnn…" Jealous-jealous-jealous.
Then there was a knock on the front door. Startled for a second, Harley skipped off to answer it. She unthinkingly flung the door wide open. "Heya-eep!" She slammed it shut again.
Batman was on the stoop.
"OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!" She took a deep breath, then peeked through the little window in the top of the door. Yep, definitely Batman.
Wait, he was laughing. Cautiously, she opened the door, but kept the chain on (for all the good that would do). "Are you the grim old meany who dangles people in front of moving cars or the nice one?"
"The nice one?" He asked, in a voice that had the barest hint of gruffness to it.
"Well, the not-so-scary one, anyway," Harley said after a pause for thought. Deciding that he was the not-so-scary one, she undid the chain and let him in.
Batman frowned, and the forced-gruff disappeared from his voice entirely. "Dammit! I've been doing this for months now and the best I can get is not-so-scary? Do I really suck that bad at being Batman?"
"I'd take it as a compliment," Harley said. "So what are ya here for?"
"Is Catwoman here?"
"She's…occupied. Can I take a message?"
"Is she going to be finished with whatever she's doing soon?" Batman pressed.
"I doubt it. They've got food in there this time. Plus Stripes has been lasting longer and longer every time."
"Wait, what? Who's St-never mind. I don't want to know."
"Can I help you with anything?"
"Only if you can get me in touch with the Pied Piper," Batman said sarcastically.
"Oh, you don't need Kitty for that! Hey, RATGUY! BATMAN'S HERE FOR YA!" Harley yelled up the stairs.
They both heard the sounds of thuds, bangs, and a piece of furniture being knocked over echoing through the cavernous house. There was a mini-rat exodus when Piper opened the door to yell back. "Which one?"
"The not-so-scary one!"
"Just a minute!"
It was actually quite a few minutes, leaving Harley and Batman to stand awkwardly in the hall.
"So…"
"Mm hm."
"Oh! So how'd ja know Kitty lived here anyway?" Harley asked. He gave her a look. "Well you didn't seem as freakishly obsessive and controlling as the scary Batman!"
"It's not obsessive to keep tabs on the unstable costumes in the city I'm supposed to protect."
"Does that include heroes too?" Harley returned. "You guys ain't exactly models of mental health. I may not have much of it, but I know what it looks like."
Batman smirked. "I know where the heroes are too."
"Okay then."
"Is Piper living here too now?"
"Nope, just visiting."
"Oh. Stripes is the Trickster, isn't he?" Batman said, putting that together. "Hm, that's not actually a bad mental image…"
"See, Scary-Batman would never say something like that," Harley pointed out.
"I know. He'd be dangling Trickster from a roof."
"Well that's stupid of him, considering he ain't exactly romancing Miss Kitty himself! If he's not gonna man up and be a real boyfriend, he shouldn't get all huffy because someone else is!"
Batman looked confused. "So Catwoman and Trickster are in a relationship? Like a real one?"
"Uh…I dunno. Kinda. Hey, are you here to ask Ratguy out?"
He was saved the necessity of answering by Piper's arrival. He looked much more awake than he'd been when Harley had tried seeking him out for company, but it was obvious he'd dressed in a hurry (for starters he was wearing a sweatshirt without a shirt under it and mismatched socks).
"Hi."
"Hello Piper."
"Well, I'm sure I can make myself scarce. You kids have fun now!" Harley cheerfully waved at them, then trotted off to give them their privacy. She went back to her bedroom, snagged a stuffed animal, and sobbed her eyes out cuddling it to her face. "Even Batman's better at dating than I am!"
