Chapter 3
Thank you for all of the great feedback so far!
Green. That's the first thing she notices. Those intense green eyes that she hadn't realized just how much she had missed until she stares right into them. They're staring right back at her, surrounded by dark war paint, and full of emotion. The owner of those eyes is sitting rigidly on her throne and the rest of her face is impassive, stoic even, but those eyes... those eyes, they hide nothing. Concern, compassion, curiosity. Clarke can read it all, and her heart hammers inside her chest.
There is silence for only a moment, but it feels like forever, and Clarke's pulse works overtime. Indra, who stands to the left of Lexa's throne, doesn't take her eyes off of her. Her hand rests on the handle of her sword, ready for any kind of action from Clarke. Time stands still, green eyes still locked on blue, her posture perfect.
Then, she moves. She gracefully stands, her hand lifting to tell Indra to remain where she is. Lexa's eyes roam over Clarke's body, searching for injuries as she closes the gap between herself and Clarke. Her gaze lands on the bandage peeking around from the base of Clarke's skull, and her nostrils flare. It's a subtle tell; Lexa's furious.
"I told you to bring her to me unharmed." Lexa's voice is low and dangerous, her eyes flitting to Ash where he stands behind Clarke.
"She was already hurt when I got to her, Heda," Ash says, his tone respectful. His words imply that someone else hurt Clarke, and Lexa doesn't miss this, her attention turning to Storm.
"I apologize, Heda. I did not know about Wanheda when I found her," Storm tells Lexa. Lexa's eyes narrow ever so slightly as she stares at her trusted warrior. Lexa's features relax almost as quickly as they'd hardened, and it's clear that she accepts Storm's explanation. He has never given her any reason to doubt him.
Lexa has yet to speak to Clarke and the tension in the room grows. Clarke grinds her teeth as Lexa speaks to her warriors in their native tongue, Clarke only able to understand a few words. She hears her name, though, and she wishes they would speak in English if they are going to discuss her. What she doesn't know is that Lexa and the men are discussing plans to keep her safe, but Clarke is in no mood to let that thought enter her mind.
Clarke feels herself grow furious. Seeing Lexa again, against her will, and then being spoken of as though she isn't there infuriates her. Just hearing Lexa's voice and standing so close to her brings back everything that happened at the mountain. Her anger builds, blood rushing in her ears and her hands stiffly clenched by her sides.
"Clarke." She hears Lexa's voice, recognizing the way the K seems to click in her mouth. Her name always sounds so different when said by Lexa, and it used to make Clarke feel special. Lexa is speaking to her, but Clarke doesn't hear what Lexa is saying, she doesn't want to, and she focuses entirely on glaring lasers at Lexa. Then she hears it, "I need you," and something explodes inside of her.
The spit lands on Lexa's face before Clarke can even register that she has done it. Something takes over inside her, and Clarke is being restrained by Storm, screaming abuse at Lexa and threatening to kill her. Lexa looks surprised for only a second before the stoic mask is back in its rightful place, her hand swiping at the spit on her cheek. She gazes upon the screaming, struggling Clarke for a few moments before nodding to Storm.
Clarke is removed from her tent, but Lexa can still hear her. Most of the village probably hears her, too. Lexa is glad that nobody would dare to question her about this situation as she has no explanation for them. She sighs through her nose and stalks back to her throne, one long leg crossing over the other. Lexa waves Indra away, snapping at her to keep anyone from entering her tent.
Once alone, Lexa pinches the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. Her eyes are squeezed closed and her lips press tightly together as she attempts to control her emotions. She refuses to let her warriors see her like this, to see how Clarke affects her. It hurts that Clarke is still so disgusted, but Lexa isn't surprised. Not at all. She only hopes that she can get through to her, to make her understand why she did what she did.
If Lexa could go back in time, back to the mountain, she would not have made a different decision. There had been no other option. She has a duty to protect her people, and her feelings for Clarke cannot come before their safety. No, she doesn't regret her decision, but she hates that it caused Clarke pain.
Lexa wonders if Clarke will ever understand the decision she made. Clarke seems to hate her for leaving her behind at the mountain, and sacrificing Clarke's people in exchange for the safe return of her own people. Lexa knows that her decision led to Clarke making a similar one that very night. Clarke had sacrificed the mountain people who had helped them, had let radiation burn the flesh from their bodies to ensure the safety of her people.
Lexa respects Clarke's decision, but she knows Clarke well enough to know that she has suffered since then. Clarke is strong, and loyal, and a good leader, but she's lived a life much different from Lexa's. This is all very new to Clarke, whereas Lexa has spent her whole life preparing for moments like that. Clarke, however, had been thrown into the deep end.
Lexa has thought about this several times since she returned from the mountain...has thought about Clarke several times. She cares for her much more than she thinks she will ever admit to her people, but she's scared. Yes, Heda gets scared, too, and Clarke is the person who brings it out the most. If Lexa didn't hold the title of Heda, she would have stood by Clarke's side and fought to the death to protect her. But she does. She is Heda, and her actions must always compliment that title.
It, fear, is another thing Lexa will always try to hide from her warriors. If she is to lead them into battle, how can they trust her if she is afraid? They need their leader to lack fear and weakness; they do not wish to be led by a love struck young woman whose main focus is the girl from the sky.
No. They need someone whose main focus is the safety of the people within the 12 clans. That's who Lexa is. It's why she is celebrated when she returns home to Polis; it's why people bow before her. No matter how much Lexa cares for Clarke, her people must come first. Luckily, Lexa's plan for the future includes making Clarke's people her people, too.
...
Clarke rips her arm out of Storm's grip as he marches her to the outskirts of the village, her anger reverberating throughout her body. There's a small crowd gathering, but she doesn't care. She's furious with Lexa and Clarke doesn't care who knows it. She can hear Storm urging her further into the trees and away from the village, but his voice sounds far away. The only thing she can really hear is the blood that pounds in her ears.
Her boots flatten the grass under her feet as she marches further into the forest, a frustrated yell leaving her mouth as she kicks out at nothing in particular. Birds scatter at the sound, flying away from the treetops they had been perched upon. Clarke doesn't even flinch when one whizzes by her, far too close to her head for comfort. No, she's far too pissed off to think of anything but Lexa.
Lexa. Clarke huffs, picking up a nearby stone and launching it towards a random tree. Fucking Lexa. Another stone flies through the air, making a satisfyingly loud crack as it collides with a tree. She's vaguely aware of Storm standing a mere few feet behind her, and she's glad that he doesn't seem interested in stopping her. He seems to be allowing her to vent, perhaps hoping it will allow Clarke to calm down.
His hopes are proving to be worthwhile, and Clarke hates that she can feel her anger lose its momentum. She gives up throwing stones and slumps down against a tree, the wet ground instantly soaking the seat of her pants. Clarke is aware that she may look petulant, sitting there with her arms folded across her chest and a pout clearly visible on her face. Yes, her fury has calmed and now she just feels downright miserable.
Seeing Lexa again had been worse than Clarke imagined. The anger, the hurt, the sadness, all mixing like some kind of dangerous concoction inside of her. It just so happened that the anger had been the one to break free to the surface, and Clarke definitely hadn't been shy about showing it. Clarke sighs, scrubbing her face with her hands and wiping away the tears that had leaked from her eyes without her permission.
She's exhausted, and her head is still throbbing. Just thinking about her injury reminds of Lexa's reaction. The commander had looked downright furious about her being harmed, Clarke remembers. She groans. It's confusing. She's so angry at Lexa, and so hurt, but that one thought seems to calm her down a little more. It's obvious that Lexa cares, and Clarke hates that this makes her happy. She doesn't want to care about Lexa about caring, but she does.
"Have you finished scaring the birds?" Storm asks her, causing Clarke to jump ever so slightly. She had forgotten that he was still with her, but of course he is still there.
Clarke sighs heavily, nodding. She's glad that Storm brought her here, away from the village and away from Lexa. She has been able to let her frustrations out without scaring Willow in the process. She sighs again...Willow. Clarke doesn't know what's going to happen now. How is she supposed to take care of Willow and be there for her now that Lexa is around? She still doesn't even know why Lexa wanted the kid to be brought here, nor does she understand why she's been allowed to bond with her.
Clarke wonders if she's going to regret getting close to Willow. Especially now that she tried to attack Lexa... will she even be trusted with Willow anymore? Will there be some kind of punishment for what she did to Lexa?
No. Clarke shakes that thought from her head. Whilst most people would suffer for attacking the commander, Clarke is sure that Lexa wouldn't do that to her. She had seen pain in those green eyes. Concern, too. There's no way Lexa would wish to hurt her. Not physically, at least. And mentally? Well, that is something Lexa has already done.
"What happens now?" Clarke asks, gazing up at Storm. She's surprised to see kindness in his eyes. He doesn't seem to be judging her for her actions in Lexa's tent in the slightest. Clarke can easily see the sympathy that is etched on Storm's features, but there's definitely not one ounce of judgment there. It's reassuring.
"Now," Storm says, holding out his hand to Clarke and easily pulling her to her feet, "we go back to Willow."
"Really?"
"Yes, Clarke. Heda will be there, too." Clarke freezes, her feet refusing to move her forward. Clarke shakes her head. There's no way she can see Lexa again right now. She has only just regained some semblance of control over her emotions, and it doesn't make sense that Lexa or her warriors would wish for them to be in the same tent again so soon after the last time.
"I'll stay here," Clarke says. Her voice sounds much more confident than she feels, but she can tell instantly that it makes no difference. Storm pulls an apologetic face, his lips pulled to one side as he shrugs.
"I'm afraid not, Clarke," Storm says. "I'm sorry to force you, but the decision is not mine. Please come easily; I do not wish to carry you, but I will if you do not walk with me."
Clarke stares at Storm, shocked by his statement. She can tell that he means every single word, but she can also tell that Storm feels awkward about it. He truly does not wish to force Clarke to go anywhere against her will, but he is Heda's warrior and her word is law.
"Fine." To say that Clarke is unhappy about this would be a major understatement, but she has no choice. Storm could, and would, easily overpower her and Clarke would much rather face Lexa on her own two feet. There's nothing dignified about being dragged somewhere whilst kicking and screaming, especially not twice in one day.
She glares down at the ground and steps forward, letting Storm know that she will comply with his request. The forest floor is subjected to Clarke's disgruntled stare as she trudges back to the village, Storm right by her side. He keeps glancing sideways at her, ensuring Clarke doesn't attempt to run. It'd be futile, though. The warriors hidden in the trees would stop Clarke before she even decided which direction to run in.
Clarke suddenly wishes she had stormed further into the forest earlier, as the village comes back into sight much too quickly for her liking. Her heart pounds as her own tent comes into view, her eyebrows furrowing as soon as she notices Lexa's guards outside. Lexa is already with Willow.
"Do not attempt to attack Heda again," Storm warns Clarke. "She wishes you no harm; you should extend the same courtesy." Clarke offers Storm a stiff nod in response, not trusting herself to speak right now as she feels saliva suddenly flood her mouth. Clarke knows that that means.
She drops to her knees, emptying her stomach into the long grass. If she didn't feel completely gross before this, she certainly does now. Storm moves forward to help her, but Clarke waves him away, aware of how weak she looks. She needs to be more careful. Clarke knows she isn't weak, and she really doesn't want anyone to think that she is.
She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, grimacing at the sour taste that lingers on her tongue.
"I'm ready," Clarke says, forcing herself back to her feet. She can't put this off any longer. She forces herself to stand as straight as possible, squaring her shoulders and attempting to mentally prepare herself. It doesn't seem to make a damn bit of difference, though. She may look ready to face Lexa again, as she continues trudging towards the tent, but she's not. One thing Clarke can do, though, is pretend.
Clarke stops outside the tent, glancing at Storm as he speaks to the guards outside in Trigedasleng. Whatever it is that the guards are saying to him, it seems to confuse him.
"Storm?" Clarke studies Storm carefully, hating how frustrated he now seems.
"You are to go alone," Storm says, huffing loudly. "Heda wishes to speak privately with you." Clarke understands why he doesn't like this idea. It makes no sense. Why would Lexa wish to be alone with the person who just threatened to kill her? Perhaps Lexa trusts her fighting skills enough to know that Clarke is no true threat to her safety. Especially when Clarke is unarmed. "Please remember what I said, Sky Girl," Storm says, his voice low.
"I'm calm," Clarke assures him. It's a lie, she's not calm at all, but she's no longer furious. She just feels like a miserable, heartbroken mess. Storm watches her carefully for a moment, waiting until Clarke meets his gaze. His dark eyes are piercing and Clarke can see the pleading inside them. He's silently begging her not to do anything stupid. His duty to protect Lexa will come before the tentative friendship that he and Clarke seem to be building.
Clarke gives him a stiff nod before she spins herself around to face the opening of the tent, sucking in a deep breath. Storm and the guards are watching her; she can feel their eyes on the back of her head. Clarke closes her eyes for a second, taking another deep breath as she prays that her stomach won't betray her again. She groans to herself and sets her jaw, it's now or never.
Stepping forward, Clarke freezes in the entrance of the tent, her heart jumping straight into her throat. Lexa has her back to her, the commander standing over the bed as she and Willow silently examine each other. Willow's eyes are wide and inquisitive, her head cocked to the side as she stares up at this new person.
"You have looked after her well, Clarke." Clarke feels mildly embarrassed that Lexa has caught her staring, and her breath hitches when Lexa whirls around to face her. "Do you feel better?" Clarke doesn't respond to Lexa's question, merely rolling her eyes and looking away from the commander.
Instead, Clarke looks towards Willow. She doesn't miss the fact that Willow's face lights up at the sight of her, nor does she miss the chubby arms that shoot out towards her, but Clarke doesn't react. She's not even sure why, but a voice in the back of her mind tells Clarke to stay put.
"The child wishes for you to hold her," Lexa says. Lexa is confused when Clarke still doesn't step forward. Her warriors had told her that Clarke had grown attached to the child. "You do not wish to hold her?" Lexa asks her, stepping away from the bed. Lexa clasps her hands behind her back and studies Clarke through narrowed eyes.
"There's no need for me to comfort her now," Clarke tells Lexa. "She has you." There's a bitterness in Clarke's voice that she hasn't heard from herself before. Lexa catches that, too.
"You do not have an attachment towards the child? I was told..."
"You were told wrong!" Clarke snaps, cutting Lexa off. She watches as Lexa sighs sharply through her nose, her eyes narrowing again. It's subtle, but it's a reaction nonetheless, and Clarke loves that she has been able to draw one from her. Lexa grows silent for a few moments, seemingly content to just study Clarke. Clarke is desperate to break the eye contact between them, but she doesn't. No matter how much Lexa's piercing gaze unnerves her.
"You're lying, Clarke," Lexa finally speaks again. "You care for the child, I know you do."
"I kept her safe because it guaranteed my safety, too," Clarke lies, squaring her shoulders. "I can't trust you, which means I can't trust your warriors. Taking the kid off of their hands meant they wouldn't harm me."
Clarke doesn't want Lexa to know how she truly feels about Willow. Lexa had taught her that love was weakness, that people will harm those you love just to hurt you. She doesn't know if she can trust Lexa again, and she sure as hell doesn't want Lexa to know what her weaknesses are.
"You named her, did you not?"
Clarke huffs, looking away from Lexa. "You do not need to lie to me, Clarke. I brought you here to protect you." Clarke's eyes snap back up, and she glares at Lexa.
"Do you know when I could have used your protection?" Clarke's acidic tone doesn't surprise Lexa, she knows exactly what Clarke is about to say to her. "When you abandoned me at Mt. Weather." Clarke doesn't disappoint her.
"I did what I thought..." Once again, Lexa is unable to finish her sentence.
"I don't want to hear it," Clarke says. "I don't want to see you, and I don't want to hear your excuses. I'd like you to leave me alone." Her voice is deadly calm, and Clarke has even surprised herself. What surprises her more, though, is Lexa's tiny nod. Lexa looks less than pleased, her jaw stiff and her nostrils ever so slightly flared, but she complies.
"As you wish. I will send Eden back to assist you with bathing and checking your wound." Lexa closes the gap between herself and Clarke, staring into Clarke's eyes for a small moment. The conflict in Lexa's eyes causes Clarke's heart to ache, but she offers no kindness. She's not ready to forgive Lexa... not yet.
Clarke breaks their intense eye contact, choosing to stare down at her boots until Lexa moves away from her. She doesn't even look up when Lexa pauses in the doorway.
"Thank you for helping my cousin, Clarke."
Clarke quickly turns on her heel at this, but Lexa is already gone. Her cousin? Lexa had never mentioned any existing family members before, and Clarke had always assumed it was because she had none.
Clarke thinks of Willow's poor parents...Lexa's relatives. It's too heartbreaking to think about. Clarke knows how it feels to have very few family(?) members, and she also knows how it feels when one of them is cruelly taken away.
Tears that Clarke has been holding back slip down her cheeks, and she does nothing to stop them from falling. She moves across to the bed and lifts Willow into her arms, murmuring soft apologies into the child's hair. In the back of her mind Clarke knows that Willow doesn't even know what Clarke said, but she feels guilty all the same.
Perhaps one day Clarke will no longer feel so much guilt, and perhaps she will forgive herself for the things she has been forced to do. Maybe someday.
If you have any questions, come find me at MinionKomSkaikru on Tumblr :)
