Summary: Of missing babies, idiot blondes, sabotaging Hokages, and deadly training.
R&R
part, The first
Things in Konoha had seemingly gone back to normal. What with Sasuke's betrayal, Sasuke's return, Sasuke's punishment… Yes, things were falling back into place.
Or at least, they sort of were.
"What do you mean Sakura lost her babies!" Ino's voice screeched over the small bar were they were sharing a few drinks. "How could she just lose them!?"
"It's true," confirmed Sasuke, to Ino's horror. "She just called me from her office. She's on her way here now."
"B-but-but-but. This can't be true! I just saw all three of them yesterday at the park enjoying her day off!"
Sasuke merely shook his head as if to say, well, there you go, but stayed quiet nonetheless.
The scene was not out of place for the clients who were enjoying their drinks at Tsuchi's Bar (where the stories always outsize the hangovers). After all, weirder things had happened. Like the time Rock Lee had his hand stuck down Choiji's shirt when he had had too much to drink (don't ask). Or the time Ino had her hand down her own shirt when she was sober (again don't ask).
So loud blondes really weren't that off-putting. Naruto's outlandish question was, however, unexpected.
"Sakura was pregnant!?"
The tiny bar suddenly went silent. The kind of silence you can only achieve at an uncomfortable family reunion. And in a way, it was. Having known each other since their Academy years, the ties went far back longer than just comrades in arms.
Naruto had just recently returned to Konoha from a month long mission from the Village Hidden in the Snow to take down a dangerous drug lord from spreading his...evilness elsewhere. Or something like it. One month really was a long time for someone as dimwitted as Naruto to bother with remembering minor details in missions.
Or that one month was not enough time to conceive and birth a child. But matters such as these were well above the blonds' intelligence.
So Sasuke, being the kind friend that he was, helped Naruto with his stupidity by raising a balled up fist and bringing it down on the idiot's head. Hard.
"You," Sasuke said calmly, "are a dumbass."
Ino bobbed her head in agreement as she continued sipping her daiquiri.
"But Ino just said-" Naruto tried explaining his off tangent question when he was suddenly cut off.
"That I lost my babies, not that I was pregnant, you brainless dope," a fourth voice commented from the doorway.
Sasuke, Ino and Naruto equally jumped at the sound of Sakura's voice that sounded like it could break glass. That sound meant she had been crying, and Sasuke would be lying if he said he didn't want to be anywhere else but there at that exact moment.
"I've really done it this time!" exclaimed a clearly flustered Sakura as she raced into the arms of her boyfriend. "Now I'll never see either one of my babies ever again!"
Burying her head into Sasuke's neck, she began to sob uncontrollably as Sasuke, never the best person for situations such as these, tried to comfort his nearing-a-month girlfriend with lame 'It'll be all right's and soft pats on the back. Sakura, for her part, wailed even louder.
Over her wails of grief, Naruto could be heard saying, "So, you were pregnant? I mean, of course you were! You couldn't have lost your babies without being pregnant first. Even I know that. Oh, but wait. I guess you could have adopted. In which case, you wouldn't have ever been pregnant at all. But teme definitely wants little Uchiha's of his own so I guess the only way you lost your babies would have been with you being pregnant in the first place! What?" Naruto suddenly asked as his friends looked over at him in disbelief. "Do I got something on my face?"
Sakura shook her head. "Only the moronic look that is your face," she sighed as she loosened her grip around Sasuke's neck. "What will I do now?"
"We have to go out and find them, of course! Your kids are out there in that cold and frightening world wondering where their mama is and wondering when she'll be returning and-"
Before Naruto could go any further in his moronic speech, Sakura pushed him backwards and knocked him to the floor. In return, she took his seat next to Sasuke.
"For the last time, Naruto, it's not what you think. When I say babies, what I actually mean are my teacup poodle Chunks and the Louis Vuitton bag I use as a carrying case. Not actually human babies, you blockhead," Sakura pouted as she ordered a shot.
"Chunks is a smart dog, Sakura, and mostly everyone in Konoha is super friendly and nice. I would bet my entire shoe collection one of them would surely report to you right away that he's been spotted or deliver him to you! You just gotta have faith!"
Ino's momentary pep talk, even though Sakura could tell her BFF was starting to get tipsy from the way she kept tittering on her barstool, gave Sakura enough confidence that, yes, she would see her precious babies again. One way or another.
"Thanks, Ino," Sakura sniffed, wiping her remaining tears on her sleeve, "That meant a lot."
Ino faced Sakura, her facial expression void of any emotion. Or intelligence. "What meant a lot?"
And like that, he rosette knew she should probably get her friend behind closed doors before the blonde did something she would regret. Like flashing everyone.
How a drunk could ruin a Kodak moment.
The hours passed and still no word had gotten to Sakura about her precious "babies." She was beginning to worry again.
"What if I never see him again?" wondered Sakura out loud as she paced the length of the Uchiha living room floor restlessly. "He's so small; Konoha must seem like a humongous obstacle compared to him."
The owner of the home had trained eyes on the woman in front of him, his head volleying back in forth with her movements as if watching a tennis match. "He'll be fine, Sakura."
But he may as well have told her he was planning on leaving her for a younger woman for all the attention she paid him. "I just don't know what I'll do without him!"
"I'll get you another dog."
"No!"
"A better, loyal dog."
"No!"
"...And a bigger bag."
"N-! Well, I had been meaning to ask you… Wait, no! What the hell am I saying! Chunks means everything to me! He was a gift from you to me on our week-old anniversary and I'll be damned if I lose him just one month later! Come on!" Sasuke was suddenly pulled up from the couch he was sitting on. "We're gonna go out and find our babies. Even if it takes the whole night!"
"Ung," was what he had to say on the matter before he was whisked away.
Needless to say, shortly after Naruto parted ways with the others, things started going downhill from there.
There were rumors every which way you turned about Sakura's secret pregnancy to the broody Uchiha and how they had planned to keep it a secret until the child was of age to understand his right to the clan.
Another rumor said the Uchiha was just using his teammate as a vessel for his and twisted ways.
Another said they had both signed a contract in their own blood for their own personal reasons. His to revive his clan, and her… Well, they were saying it had something to do with sexual frustration.
Which ever it was, Naruto Uzumaki wasn't making it any better. For every person he came into contact with, he insisted to be on the lookout for two small children. Preferably a girl and a boy with dark hair and green eyes, and to contact Sasuke and Sakura immediately.
"Sakura! Sasuke! Are they it?" A random woman asked as she ushered two small children in front of the pair. The children were whimpering but the crazy lady either didn't hear them or decided to ignore them.
Sakura frowned. "No, now go away. And return those kids to their rightful mom!" she shouted after the crazy woman as she left their presence. Sakura turned to her boyfriend soon after. "That's odd. That's the third time someone has come up to me asking me that today. Whad'ya suppose has gotten into some people?"
Sasuke, still fuming he had to spend his time looking for a mutt and handbag simply replied with a pointless "Hn."
Things had gotten so out of hand by the time Ino, Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto decided to meet up at Ichirauku's later that evening because one, Tsuchi's no longer wanted anything to do with the fearsome foursome and two, Ino needed to be sober to tell her part of the story.
"So, like I said, Sakura, no one seems to know anything… I'm sorry."
At the sound of Ino's defeat, Sakura broke into a fresh fit of tears as Sasuke was there to...comfort her. Sort of.
Not being able to take much more of this, Naruto shook his head fiercely as he bellowed, "Well I ain't giving up! There are missing Uchiha babies out there that need saving!" And with that heroic (lame) speech, he sauntered off the stool -after finishing his ramen, of course- and running out of the establishment.
Sakura decided she couldn't take being hounded by another elderly woman coming by the house to ask if "these kids were yours?" anymore so she fled to the one place no one would bother looking for her: the strip club.
Meanwhile, back at the compound, Sasuke Uchiha was trying to figure out a way to solve this entire mess so he could have his life back to the way it was.
After much deliberation and speculation, he decided he may as well call in the one person that had a greater chance in finding the dumb mutt than anyone else: Kiba Inuzuka.
Why hadn't any of them thought of this before?
"Dude! How can I help? You know I'm all in if it's to help get your kids back," was the first thing Kiba said as a way of greeting when Sasuke let him into the Uchiha manor.
"They're not my kids," Sasuke said through clenched jaws. This was probably how Rumor Numbers Eight and Nine sprung up in town. Whenever someone came up to the Uchiha, he told him that it wasn't his kids they were trying to find. They then had started new rumors claiming Sakura had cheated on him, or how he was in denial that he was the actual father because he didn't want to pay for child support.
Damn annoying.
Must have heard the latest of it, Kiba eyed the tense man carefully. "So it's true? Sakura's been going around sleeping with other men?" He shook his head. "Just when you thought you knew people..."
Sasuke was now as tense as a rod with the stress slowly building. He was trying to tell himself to stay calm and not kill the Inuzuka. Like Naruto, it wasn't dog breath's fault his stupidity ran deeper than his supposed womanizing ways. Sasuke needed this imbecile alive long enough to find Chunks and put an end to this nightmare.
Watching as Sasuke rummaged through the closet near the entrance hall trying to find whatever he needed, Kiba asked, "So how long have you and Sakura been dating now? Ten months? A year?"
Not really wanting to answer, but also not wanting to risk Kiba getting bored and wandering further into his home, Sasuke stated, "Not that it's any of your business… A month."
"That all?"
"That's it."
Not entirely interested how Sakura could possibly manage to give birth to supposed two-year-old twins in just one month, Kiba instead said, "You Uchiha's work fast."
This time Sasuke didn't bother responding. His neck was burning hot all the way to the tips of his ears. Did the closet seemed to be closing in around him, or was that just him?
"But seriously, Sasuke," Kiba went on, "I thought you two had been dating for much longer than that."
Dating. As if he could call it that. It's not even technically called dating when they decide to go out and have one of them always get called away on a mission or go to perform major lifesaving surgery at the hospital. Between missions and hospital duty, it hadn't left them enough time to enjoy each other's company at the dinner table much less be left alone to do...that.
Damn annoying.
Sakura had once told Sasuke she suspected Tsunade was doing it on purpose because she didn't like or approve of Sasuke courting her apprentice.
Damn annoying indeed.
Kiba, apparently tired of standing around while helpless babies awaited rescuing pressed on. "What are you looking for in there anyway?"
"Found it," came a muffled reply from somewhere inside the small space. It had taken a lot of sifting through, but Sasuke finally managed to find what he was after.
Holding it up for the Inuzuka to see, he asked, somewhat confused, "You and Sakura are into some weird, kinky shit, aren't you?" In Sasuke's hands was a diamond studded leash complete with a collar attached at the end.
"No, you dipshit, this is the dog's leash," Sasuke explained, though he had turned a funny red color again.
There was a pause in where Sasuke wondered if Kiba finally knew what was going on and that Sakura pregnant and babies were just a big misunderstanding!
A couple seconds later: "You have a dog?"
Kiba's nose had led them into three dead-end alleys, behind a dumpster (where they retrieved the bag), to five fire hydrants, two Motel parking lots, a random tree in the middle of town, and finally to the middle of nowhere deep in the woods Sasuke finally recognized as the Third Training Ground.
This was the last place he expected to be in after so many failed leads that Sasuke suddenly become enraged and punched Kiba on the shoulder. "You led us to the wrong freakin' site, fool."
"No, the scent ends here, I swear!" Kiba reasoned before being punched yet again.
Suddenly, off in the distance, a loud boom was heard.
"You hear that?" Sasuke stopped in mid attack to confirm with dogboy the silence wasn't playing with his hearing.
"Yeah," Kiba agreed, dusting himself as he picked himself off the ground where Sasuke's latest punch had landed him. "Sounds like…a flock of birds?"
Moving swiftly through the night, ninja-style, the two made their way deeper into the center where a white light illuminated the rapidly growing dark sky. Nearing the clearing, a figure could be seen standing, holding out his hand, an intense light attached to the end.
"CHIDORI!"
There was darkness.
Then, "What are you two doing here late at this hour?"
"Kakashi," Sasuke stated, moving closer once knowing there was no threat.
Kakashi nodded in greeting. "Sasuke, Kiba. Out for a late night stroll, are we?" He pointed to the bag hanging off Kiba's shoulder.
Sasuke stepped away from the Inuzuka so as if not to give Kakashi the wrong idea and explained, "We're here for Chunks."
"Who?"
"Sakura's dog," supplied Kiba.
"Dog? Do you mean my latest addition, Ras?"
"Who's Ras?" Sasuke and Kiba both asked in unison.
"He's the stray I found on my way here to train. I thought I could teach him a few things like I did my other ninja hounds but this one seems to be…limited."
"Where is he?" But before Kakashi could say anything, Sasuke called out, "Chunks, here!" A small blur rushed up to the three men, and even in the night, Chunks' white fur confirmed who he was.
"He's shaking something fierce," noted Kiba as he bent on his knee to take a closer look at the pup. Then looked up at the silver-haired jounin. "What exactly did you try to teach him?"
Kakashi shrugged, offhandedly."How to dodge incoming Chidori shots at close range."
"And that's how you found him?" Sakura asked again while checking over the poodle in her arms. His shivering had lessen some. They were only small tremors now.
Sasuke nodded an affirmative, not even bothering to reply vocally and disturb his sated state of bliss.
He had gotten Sakura's mutt back, and in return, she showered him with kisses.
Life was good.
"You've had quite the journey today, huh?" As if remembering all the suffering Kakashi and his "training" put him through, Chunks' shivering increased. "Sasuke, do you think Kakashi's exercise scarred him for life?"
"He'll be fine. Nothing a long nap won't cure." But she still wasn't convinced. "By tomorrow morning, Chunks will be back to his old self."
As if on cue, Chunks jumped out of Sakura's grasp and took a dump in the center of the living room rug.
Animals. So charming of them to poop and forget.
I've just drowned half a bottle of Pinot Noir and it's only ten in the morning, which somehow inspired me to write about the time I almost lost my dog. Except, unlike Chunks, I found mine under my bed.
I dedicate this to my tiny pooch, Hamburger.
