Healing to Your Life – Chapter 3
Stepping out of the shuttle felt strange. Trip hadn't been on a Vulcan ship before. When he'd been introduced to a Vulcan in the past he'd always stuck out his hand, but had to stop himself from doing so now. Stick to the ta'al. Silently he was thankful they avoided touch and preferred others kept their distance. Dr. Kivel warned Trip to avoid physical contact and that he must keep his shields up at all times until he said otherwise.
Trip told the doctor what he knew of T'Pol's past health problems. All the attacks on her mind, her nightmares, her control issues, and the damage to her neural pathways. He answered all the doctors questions and then listened as the doctor explained what he needed to do.
The doctor told him how to meld with her. She would have no barriers up. Once he entered her mind he must let himself fall into the blackness to find where she has gone. Then he must figure out what would bring her back. There was nothing the doctor could tell him about how to do this, except that it would be something they shared. If he didn't know what that something was he would have to try whatever he could think of.
Trip laid down on the bed next to T'Pol. Dr. Kivel placed his fingers in the proper place on her face. Trip repeated the words. "My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts." He began to fall. "Our minds are one." Terror of being alone. Falling. That awful dream you have where your falling and wake up before you hit the ground only he wasn't waking up and there was no ground. He just kept falling into the black night. He stopped. Hanging in the darkness. Feeling as if she was out there, but where?
"T'Pol, is that you?" Nothing but black emptiness.
"T'Pol, it's me Trip. Are you here?
What to say? What would bring her back? Was she here? He began to talk. About when they met. What had attracted him. On and on for hours. The doctor told him to leave here he had to will himself out. He would know when it was time to leave. When he started to feel like giving up. Hopeless and questioning if he should just stay here with her. Then he must leave. He forced himself to go back to sickbay.
On day two he again fell back into the blackness. He talked about their missions. Their work together. There was nothing. After hours of talking he again forced himself to go. When he woke in sickbay he was exhausted still. He had no idea how to reach her. The Doctor refused his plea to try again before he had slept and meditated.
Malcolm came to sickbay. He found his friend balled up in the corner. He hadn't slept. The doctor had said he did, but he couldn't have. This was bad. Worse than he'd ever seen Trip, he thought to himself, as he took a seat on the floor next to him.
Trip mumbled, eyes closed and rolling his head against the wall.. "I've tried everything. Can't think Mal. Last 4 years, friendship." Dejectedly he added. "Don't know what else to say."
"There has to be something that will reach her." Malcolm tried to think of anything to help Trip. "You're her mate." How do you attack someone? You find their weak point. "Didn't you say your bond would force you to take care of each other? Find a way to use that."
This wasn't the reaction Malcolm expected. Trip opened his eyes and just stared at him forever. Then his eyes lit up as he sat up. "That's it. I need to make her come protect me. Forget about hiding and come help me." Now he just needed to think about what to say to convince her he was in danger. "Thanks Mal. I need sleep." When he tried to stand his legs buckled and he fell back to the floor.
Grabbing his arm Malcolm lifted Trip off the floor with him and guided him to the bed. Without saying anything he pushed the bed next to T'Pol, placing their hands together and covering them with a blanket. After speaking to the doctor he returned to Trip's side. "You need to take this sedative. It will help you sleep." Surprised that the man who always argued about being told to sleep lifted his chin so the hypo could be administered.
"Thanks for being my friend, Mal." Were the last words he said before he drifted off for the much needed rest.
Malcolm stood over his friend thinking how fragile he looked. He had planned on talking to him about what to tell the captain, but this wasn't the time. He'd just have to think of what to say and keep them away for a little while longer. If this didn't work they'd have bigger problems to deal with. Malcolm was convinced that if T'Pol didn't recover Trip would join her.
"Dr. Kivel, let me know whatever happens tomorrow. If this doesn't work...." What? He'd lose his friend. He'd lose two friends. What would happen to the Captain? He and Trip weren't as close, but they had become friends again. The tactical officer in him took over, telling himself he couldn't think like that. But he always hoped for the best and planned for the worst. He simply didn't know how to plan for this, if the worst happened. "Just let me know what happens," he said as he walked out the door.
----
Morning came. The doctor had been right, the sleep and meditation helped. He discussed his plan with the doctor. He talked him into giving him something to make him seem groggy without interfering with his ability to think coherently. The hypo hissed as he placed his fingers before invoking the ritualistic words. Falling into the blackness felt familiar. No longer did it make him feel terrified. He wasn't alone here. He could feel her far off in the distance.
"T'Pol are you there? I hope so. I really don't want to stay here all by myself. They didn't want to let me meld with you again. Said I wasn't strong enough. I lied to them and said I wanted to come say goodbye to you. The doc says you can't last much longer, so he let me come. Not supposed to stay long. I heard them say they couldn't make me come back unless they could wake you up. They don't know I heard them. I'm not going back. I'm going to stay with you."
He remained quiet. He rested. Waited. He hoped she could hear him or feel him. "Darlin, how long can we stay here? I wish I could feel you. I would rather not go through this alone. What happens when we die? Will I still be inside your mind? Do Vulcans believe in some kind of afterlife?"
He waited again. The medication in the hypo had begun to have more of an affect. The doctor told him he would be awake but it would slowly make him seem to be drifting away. He let himself float.
His voice became shaky. "T'Pol, I'm having trouble focusing. I want to find you, but I don't have the energy to do anything anymore. Do we have to be alone?"
He could feel her. Unsure. Scared. Tired. He waited. He wanted to move and try to find her. Draw her closer, but he had to let her come to him. She was afraid, so he had to wait.
"It's cold. I'm cold. Please help me, darlin."
Nothing. He let himself feel the cold. He shivered. "Damn, it's so cold here."
"Trip?"
"T'Pol, are you there?"
"Trip, is that you? Are you hurt?"
"No, darlin. You were hurt and came here, so I came to be with you."
"Came where? Where are we?"
"We are in your mind. What do you remember?"
"I remember falling asleep with you. Then..." She felt pain, fear, and started running away.
"T'Pol stop. Don't think about it. Just stay here with me."
She stopped and turned back to him moving closer again. He couldn't see her, but he could feel her. "Can I hold you?"
She moved close enough to touch his arm. It was too dark to see her. They were floating and she hadn't let go.
"T'Pol, please let me hold you. It's really cold here and you can make me warm."
Unsure, she moved along side him. Floating closer. He didn't move. Waiting until she ...
She wrapped her arms around him. Pulling him close. "Are you warm, now?"
"Yes,thank you." His arms went around her as he buried his head in her shoulder.
"You can't stay here." T'Pol's voice sounded weak.
"Where else would I be? You're here so I'm not leaving." He closed his eyes, gently rubbing his hand up and down her spine. Letting the feel of her further relax him.
His body reacted to something. "Whoa, they're trying to get me to come back. Must have given me something to wake me up. They really can't make me leave here, can they?" He laughed.
"No, but you must leave or you will die."
"I'm not leaving you. We're bonded remember. I have to take care of you, can't do anything else. Wouldn't want to be without you." He couldn't be without her. He had to stop thinking to himself. The doctor said his shields would only work for a while, until she became more aware. Then she'd know what he was doing.
"Trip, you can't stay."
His breathing became rapid. The hypo contained something to induce a mini panic attack. "T'Pol help me. I can't breathe." They moved. He opened his eyes. It felt different. There was light. Not much, but enough that he could see her as she looked into his face. Warmth. The air felt warm. The panic lessened, so he closed his eyes again and rested.
The bond stirred. Images started to play across his mind. All of the same thing. Her greatest fear. Emotions that should be buried deep within her. He knew this. The torture must have stripped away her ability to keep them suppressed. "T'Pol stop this. You have to put them back where they belong."
"I've lost my control."
"No you haven't. There's no way you could it's just weakened. You're too strong a person for that."
"I'm not strong. I feel fear and Vulcans are not supposed to feel fear or anger. We are supposed to have control and suppress these emotions. I can't even be honest with you because I'm afraid."
"How can you say you aren't honest? Not telling me things is not dishonest, especially when I told you I didn't want you to tell me."
"I can't leave. Without my control I will hurt you and everyone else on Enterprise."
"You wouldn't let that happen and neither would I." He knew if she lost control and he couldn't stop her but Malcolm would. He didn't think she'd hurt him, but that didn't matter. If she believed she might he had to work with that. "Can we stay here until you can get your control back? Can I help you?"
"I need to meditate, but I can't do that here." And she couldn't do it alone.
"I'll have them move us to a locked room. You can wake up and we'll meditate together until you have your control again."
"You have not been taking care of yourself and do not have enough strength to help me."
"I will get stronger first."
"Have me moved to someplace secure. I will wait here for you, but do not return until you are ready."
"You promise?" He knew if she said she'd remain here she would.
"I promise."
-----
"Commander Tucker, Lieutenant Reed has everything ready. I spoke to your captain and explained that Commander T'Pol requires intensive meditation to complete her recovery and that you are needed to assist her. He seemed to accept this without question because you two have meditated together for some time now."
"He knows that she helped me deal with the death of my sister and we started meditating together. Most of our crew knows that."
"There is only one thing left to do." The doctor stood at the computer pulling up data on the screen. Deleting each record as it appeared.
Trip watched the data being erased. "Won't you be questioned about the missing records?"
"We are Vulcans. No one will ask about the private information of a patient. I will make the appropriate entries in my files."
"I was nervous about coming here. I assumed a Vulcan doctor would disapprove of our bond and make me feel uncomfortable, but you have been extremely helpful. Thank you." His opinion of Vulcans was constantly changing. And recently the changes had all been positive. The doctor had treated him as any other patient and instructed him on how to keep the bond from being noticed by Phlox during scans and how to prepare for physical contact with a Vulcan to keep from exchanging thoughts.
"There is no need to thank me for doing my duty. Commander T'Pol was not my only patient. You placed yourself in my care in order to honor your mate and Vulcan traditions. No matter what my opinion of your relationship my oath as a doctor and my duty as a Vulcan made it impossible for me to act otherwise."
"I know Vulcans don't think it's necessary to say thank you, but that's all I can do." There wasn't anything he could do to repay the doctor for all his help.
"Everything is ready. You'll be transported directly to the coordinates the lieutenant gave us. We will be in the area for 3-4 more days. If I can be of any further assistance please contact me."
"I will and if I can ever do anything for you please let me know." Trip held T'Pol in his arms as they materialized in her quarters. Dr. Phlox had wanted her returned to sickbay, but the Vulcan doctor assured him that she needed quiet and privacy to meditate.
------
They were in T'Pol's quarters. He laid her on the bed and laid down beside her, placing his fingers on her face. When he entered her mind it was different. The blackness was gone. It wasn't the white space she meditated in, but there was light and he found her sitting there waiting for him.
"Good morning, darlin."
"It is morning?"
"Yes. You seem much better. Are you ready to wake up?"
"Where are we?"
"Locked in your quarters. Phlox wanted you transported to sickbay, but we managed to hold him off for a couple of days."
"Who is we? And weren't we in sickbay?"
"We were in sickbay aboard the Vulcan ship 'Savoy' with Dr. Kivel."
Apprehension came through the bond in waves. "We were on a Vulcan ship? You told them of our bond?"
"No one, but Dr. Kivel knows about the bond and he can't tell anyone and he wouldn't anyway."
"A Vulcan doctor treated us? Why?"
"I contacted Soval and asked him to send the ship and doctor here. I didn't say why and he didn't ask. He owed me a favor and I called it in."
"Do you have some secret power over Vulcans? First me, then Ambassador Soval and my mother, and now Dr. Kivel. We all seem to find something about you hard to dismiss."
"Maybe it's just my southern charm that throws you off balance." There did seem to be a growing circle of Vulcans that trusted him.
"I can't see Ambassador Soval being swayed by your southern charm. He'd find it more annoying than I do."
That was the part of his personality he often employed to irritate her on purpose. That innocent southern boy who hadn't taken anything seriously until he fell for a certain Vulcan. "We can discuss this later. There's a lot to fill you in about, but that can wait." Like how he tricked her into waking up. There was a major fight coming about that one he was sure. "The doc said you need to wake up and eat a good meal. Once that happens I need to give you a sedative so you can get some sleep before we begin meditating. I also need to go let Phlox examine me. If I don't he'll make it an order, so I can't avoid it."
"I had hoped we could put this off longer. He will most likely discover our bond."
"Dr. Kivel showed me how to shield it with your help. We both have to block our minds from each other and make the bond as calm as we can during his scan. The slight increased activity he might see has been explained as being caused by our meld. He also showed me how to prevent my thoughts from being read because of physical contact with Vulcans. He says I can't totally block you, but we'll have to practice it together, so I can get better at it."
"You need to come sit here." T'Pol pointed to a spot across from her. "I need to enter your mind before we can leave here. You will know when I am there. Then you must walk until we are out of here. It may be difficult at first, but keep walking. My mind may resist leaving the protection of this place."
She entered his mind and he started to walk. Her mind did resist. Tried to force him to go back. He pushed forward ignoring the pain and the flurry of emotions that he was sure were her minds way of trying to persuade him it was dangerous to proceed. When they arrived back to the forefront of her mind he felt the part of her that had entered his mind leave. He could now see her physical form before him. Taking her hands in his to ensure that she was indeed okay he then broke the meld and waited for her to open her eyes. He felt her fully in the bond now. The feeling had increased when he left her before, but it wasn't the same. The flow back and forth eased the tension he'd been carrying around for days now. T'Pol woke up, but her tension remained. She was fearful of her emotions overwhelming her and harming Trip and he knew it.
He took her face in his hands. "The door is locked. You can't open it unless you have the code. No one can enter, but me so everybody is safe. You just need to stay as calm as possible until we are meditating. The doctor told me what I can do to help, but for now I'm going to go get us something to eat. You lay there and rest or maybe take a shower. I'll be back shortly."
Trip entered the mess hall to the greetings of several members of the crew. They said hi and several asked how T'Pol was doing, to his surprise. Few of the crew ever asked about her. When he asked for plomeek broth he was told it would be an hour before it was ready. Chef had started a new batch when he was informed Commander T'Pol would be back on board. If he had to wait he might as well go get his checkup with Phlox taken care of.
On the way to sickbay he told T'Pol of his plans through the bond. "Hey, Doc. I'm told you need to check me out before I can start meditating with T'Pol?"
"How are you feeling? I'm told the mind meld you were involved in can be quite draining."
"I feel pretty good. A little tired and maybe a little hungry. That doctor made me eat and sleep before he did the meld. Says you just need to be sure everything's normal."
Phlox moved to the imaging chamber. "If you'll lay down on the table we'll get this over with." Trip laid down and started blocking out T'Pol and she did the same. He then used the calming techniques to level out the bond as he began to move inside the chamber. This was like meditation, but he remained fully aware. When the table moved back outside the chamber he looked up and saw the image of his body above him, paying particular attention to his brain. The areas he had been told to watch were calm. No usual signs of activity at all. Dr. Phlox seemed quite pleased at the results, but slightly disappointed. Both Trip and T'Pol were convinced the doctor suspected they were bonded. He didn't know much on the subject because Vulcans wouldn't discuss it and Phlox gave up trying to get Tucker to tell him anything when T'Pol was involved. He would not betray her trust.
Captain Archer came in just as Trip jumped off the table. "Hey Captain. Are you alright?" Concerned that he had come to see the doctor.
"I'm much better. Still having headaches, though. How's T'Pol?"
"Better. Not near ready to see anyone yet. Whatever that device did it shattered her control. She just needs a couple more days of meditation and she'll be fine." At least he hoped so.
"Dr. Kivel explained some of what happened to her and what you did to help. Must have been strange melding with them." Having had Surak's katra poking around in his head had been difficult and exhausting. Having to meld with two Vulcans he could imagine would be beyond weird, especially when you had to see them afterwards.
"It was at first, but T'Pol and I are friends so it wasn't too bad."
Archer waved his hand toward Phlox. "So did the doc here give you a clean bill of health?"
The doctor scanned through the information on the computer screen. "According to these tests Commander Tucker is almost 100%. I'd say a good nights sleep and a couple of good meals is all he needs."
"I have to meditate with T'Pol as much as she needs for the next several days. If it's alright I'd like to put in a couple of hours a day in engineering until she doesn't need my help anymore and I can get back full time." He needed something to do that didn't involve sitting still so he could get rid of some of his excess energy.
"Sounds good, just be sure you don't overdo it. We're here for 2 or 3 days until we know T'Pol is going to recover. Your people are taking care of your engines, so take whatever time T'Pol needs to get better. Dr. Kivel mentioned that she's suffered too many attacks on her mind and anymore damage to her brain would be irreversible and most probably fatal."
Trip inwardly cringed at this. That was a subject he had pushed out of his mind for now, but knew the discussion between he and T'Pol would have to happen soon. If they hadn't been bonded this attack could have been fatal. "Yeah, he mentioned that. She told me everything that has happened to her. It's a good thing she's a Vulcan with all that discipline or she'd be in really bad shape by now."
Phlox tried to hide it, but Trip caught his shocked reaction that T'Pol had told Tucker of her difficulties. Neither of them knew how much he really did know. The mental images he had seen when T'Pol became afraid the previous day told him a lot of what she was still afraid of telling him and that Dr. Phlox knew about it.
"Dr. Phlox and I are going to decide what changes need to be made for deciding on who goes on away missions. Unless it's an emergency situation she'll be restricted from being on any away mission until we are sure she won't be at risk."
Trip almost thanked the captain, but instead said. "She's not going to be happy, but at least she'll be safer. I'll talk to you both later." He also wanted to say that even in an emergency she shouldn't be put at risk of losing her mind, but he knew he couldn't as he turned toward the mess hall.
----
When he returned to pick up lunch the crewman who had been there before came out with a tray. The broth was there with tea and coffee along with breakfast for him. Stunned he didn't know what to say.
"Look Commander, the crew knows you and Commander T'Pol are trying to be discreet, but we all know you're a couple. Don't worry about it. We're all happy that something good came out of our time in the expanse and there isn't going to be any gossip about you from any of us. If there's nothing to wonder about then there's nothing to gossip about. You both deserve a break, so just keep doing whatever you've been doing and know your secret is safe."
"Thanks I guess. Does all the crew know?"
"I wouldn't know about the Captain or Lieutenant Reed, but everyone else does. It's the worst kept secret on this ship, but one that no one will discuss."
"Thanks again." Trip shook his head. If only the rest of their problems could be solved that easily. He also began to question when his life would slow down to where it didn't seem as if he and T'Pol were constantly in a whirlwind of change that they had little if any control over. Good and bad things just seemed to happen to them with little time to absorb the reality of them before the next one hit. One more item removed from that mental checklist only to be replaced with several more. He'd think about it all later when he had time.
-----
They ate breakfast. T'Pol laid down and let him administer the sedative. The doctor had said she'd be out for 6-8 hours depending on her level of exhaustion. Trip laid down to sleep beside her, knowing he would need his strength for what was to come. Before meditation could help Trip had to establish just how much control she really did have. To do that he had to push her as hard and as far as he could. And he knew the way he had chosen to do it was going to be painful for them both, but it was the only way. She had to know without any doubts that she would never harm him. He had no doubt that others might be in danger if she lost control, but he knew in the deepest part of himself that he was in no danger from her.
They ate a meal when she awoke. Once they were in the white space Trip sat and listened to her talk about trivial matters.
He stood up. "T'Pol this isn't why we're here and you're avoiding it, why?"
"I'm not sure you are fully prepared for my emotions. You remember what it was like last time you assisted me to suppress them."
"We need to start with the worst while we're both stronger and work our way down. There's one issue that keeps coming back and we're going to start there." The images appeared in his mind. Her injecting herself in the cargo bay. Her out of control emotions, her nightmares.
Her horrified expression said it all. Anger began rising from some where deep inside her. Once he could feel the intensity had reached it maximum he started talking. How could she be so stupid? Why had she put herself and Enterprise at risk? He slammed her with every question he knew she had been beating herself with. Her anger became rage and he pushed her harder. Kept taunting her, questioning her fitness as an officer, her ability to be a leader, his lover, his friend. He recognized the look in her eyes from her nightmares. Completely out of control and overwhelmed by the depth of her emotions. She took several steps forward before she stopped and looked at his face. In that moment she regained her control. Her eyes focused and Trip felt her rage subside as she fought to suppress it.
When she successfully restored control he collapsed to the floor. "Don't you ever make me do that again."
T'Pol went to him dropping down to her knees to place his head on her lap. "I am sorry. I should have told you..."
"T'Pol forget it and I mean it. Knowing it doesn't change a thing, except that there's more bad memories for me to stuff back there with the rest. I never want to discuss it again."
"You are not angry at me?"
He could feel it now. "You want me to be angry don't you? You think you deserve me to hate you. Join you in beating up on yourself for what you think you did wrong. I'm angry at what you're doing to yourself now. Was it monumentally stupid? Yes, but so was I hanging on to my anger and wanting to kill Xindi for months. Do I wish it hadn't happened? Yes, because of what it did to you, but you're here and we're together, and that's all I care about. Let it go. Let's both let all of it go so we can enjoy what we have. If you can't do that I'll be angry."
He stopped and took in several gulps of air. His voice softened when he continued. "I want to remember Lorian and the other Enterprise, our friendship, and maybe a few other good things that happened while we were in the expanse, but as for the rest I don't want to think about it anymore. Okay? Please." His voice was pleading. They had given that period too much power over their lives and it had to stop.
She searched through the bond. There was no anger, no recrimination, only understanding and love. "Agreed." He was right she had to let go. If she didn't it would destroy them. They had suffered so much. "You put yourself at great risk. Do you know that?"
"Dr. Kivel warned me. Once I convinced him you wouldn't hurt me he told me what I needed to do. Said it was the fastest way to help but I had to have total confidence that I was safe. Otherwise we'd have had to take you to Vulcan to see a priest for months of treatment. Once I saw what you were afraid of telling me I knew I had to use it to force you to find your control. I've gotten good at using this bond to manipulate you lately. Not a skill I'm very proud of."
"You did what you had to do to care for me. The bond requires that of you." The extent of his deception surprised her. Not that he would do it, but that he had discovered how to use their bond to reach her. He had also proven to her that he was not in danger from her. If she couldn't harm him in her mind where the damage would have been minimal, there was no way she would harm him in reality.
"It wasn't the bond it was Malcolm. He mentioned the bond making us care for each other and told me to figure out how to use it. After that it was a matter of how to get you to protect me. Actually I really would have stayed with you if it hadn't worked."
She couldn't say anything to that because had the roles been reversed she too would have stayed with him. "You are not well. We must rest and then meditate."
"Darlin, we are meditating. We just need to rest, which I believe we can do right here if we made the accommodations a little more comfy." A couch and foot stool appeared. T'Pol leaned back against the cushions and continued to stroke his hair as they both drifted off to sleep.
----
"Ensign Sato to Commander Tucker." The comm unit sounded.
Trip stepped out of the bathroom having just showered. It came from the wall not his hand held unit.
He hit the button. "Tucker here. Ensign why are you calling me here?" She hadn't even tried his quarters or the hand held would have let him know.
"I knew where you'd be so I rerouted the signal, sir." Hoshi answered very matter-of-factly.
And left a traceable record, in her logs, if someone spent some time following her subterfuge. That would only get her into trouble if it were discovered. "Ensign disconnect this transmission and call me in my quarters, now please."
"Sir?"
"Just do it, Ensign."
"Ensign Sato to Commander Tucker," came over the hand held communicator.
"Tucker here. As you can see Ensign the problem has been dealt with. What'd you need?"
"There's a message here from Ambassador Soval for you. He wishes you or Commander T'Pol to contact him asap at the Consulate."
"Could you get him and put it through here?"
"Yes, sir. Right away."
"Thanks again Ensign Sato. Nice to know we have friends, but in the future we wouldn't want a friend to get into any difficulty for us."
"Thank you, sir."
T'Pol didn't say anything, but he could see her confusion over his interaction with Hoshi. "I guess we've been granted protected status with the crew. We're supposed to continue as we have been and they will pretend not to notice. I've been told they decided we're not worth gossiping about."
"I thought humans loved to gossip, especially about secrets?" That's how she kept up on what happened with the crew. Overhearing things in the corridors or mess hall.
"I guess we've become the worst kept secret on the ship, so why bother. I've never paid much attention to it myself, so I don't know how it works, but we're not a part of it anymore."
T'Pol wasn't going to question something that worked in their favor. "I told you they'd give us our privacy. Do you know what Ambassador Soval wants?"
"I'm sure he just wants to see if you're alright, so you can talk to him. I'm going to go down to Engineering for an hour or so. When I come back I'll bring food and then you need to go see the Doc and let him do that exam." She wouldn't leave her quarters without him. Her control was fragile still. It wouldn't take much to push her beyond her limits and she would not want to be in public if she lost control. Trip was her safety valve if her control slipped.
The exam went well. While her brain scan showed there was damage yet to repair itself, all areas were functioning as they should be. No signs of their bond showed up. The couple spent the next several days meditating and gradually working T'Pol back into a normal routine.
----
Trip pulled himself out of the maintenance shaft he had been hiding in all morning. He'd come here to try to get his mind on something but this disagreement with T'Pol. It backfired. This was the second time he'd lost concentration and injured himself. This time though he blew out the plasma conduits and everything near them was now either fried, melted, or covered with the plasma that oozed out of the ruptures.
"T'Pol meet me in my office now."
"I'm on duty. I can't just leave the bridge."
"Well, if we don't settle this I'm going to be the poster child for what not to do when working with hot plasma and electrical circuits."
"You are injured again?" She knew he had burned himself earlier and gone to sickbay for treatment, but put up her shields to keep from being distracted.
"Yes, and don't tell me you can't feel it."
"I have been blocking your pain as I have a serious headache already." She had a headache, but it was caused by blocking him out. His rants had been a serious distraction.
"Great. Get down here, so we can discuss this before the feedback in this damn bond kills us both." The loop had started this morning when he brought up her comments about honesty. He knew better than to bring it up when they both had to work, but she seemed to be stuck on this idea as it kept creeping into almost every discussion they had lately.
"I will see what I can do."
"Don't see what you can do, just do it." Another few hours like the past few hours and he'd be sleeping in sickbay and off duty again.
T'Pol had been distracted all morning. Captain Archer became concerned when he observed her clutching the sides of the science station. He could not tell if it was because she was in pain or having difficulty concentrating, but he decided it was best to keep an eye on her. Both Trip and the doctor had stated that she was better and he could see that she was, but something still wasn't right.
"Captain, permission to leave the bridge."
T'Pol's request startled Archer out of his thoughts. "Is there a problem, Commander?" He had been right she was have a bad morning.
"I am experiencing some difficulty and wish to go see the doctor."
"Permission granted." He watched as she stepped onto the turbolift. Alarms started sounding from the engineering station. Lieutenant Reed had moved over there to attend to them.
"Lieutenant what seems to be the problem?" The captain inquired.
"The plasma flow in one of the maintenance shafts in engineering has been diverted, causing the engines to slow to warp 2."
"Trip reported all systems were running at 100% just this morning." His report stated that there was only some minor repair cleanup to do. No problems at all. They'd be able to maintain warp 5.
"It appears the Commander missed something." Reed reported.
Trip didn't miss things like that. Something must have happened.
---
T'Pol entered engineering. The staff she encountered said good morning and someone informed her that Commander Tucker was in his office. It still amazed her that the crew now treated her as one of them while ignoring the relationship between herself and Trip. As she approached his office she heard him talking to his second.
"Hess, when the captain calls down here you have my permission to tell him the chief engineer is the idiot who broke his ship. Get someone in there to clean up the mess. I'll be there to help and complete the repairs myself as soon as I take care of a couple of things." He needed to take care of the burn down his side and along his upper arm and T'Pol or he would have done it all himself. He didn't like making others clean up after him, but sometimes it was necessary.
On the way back into his office he turned the comm unit off before unzipping his uniform to the waist and peeling it off on the way to the sink. His black shirt was covered with plasma and blood as he tried to gently pull it away from his burned flesh. T'Pol entered and stood behind him to assist in removing the garment. Finding a clean cloth he ran it under the cold water before squeezing it dry again over his wounds, letting the water run down his pant leg. He turned his head to look back over his shoulder.
"I thought we agreed to keep our personal stuff to off duty time?"
"We did."
"Then why have we been arguing about this all morning?"
"You believe this is my fault? That we are arguing because I have no control to stop myself?"
"I didn't say that. Stop blowing things out of proportion. Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Take everything I say and make it worse."
"You said I'm avoiding the issue."
"You are. You're stuck on some idea that you haven't been honest with me. That's all I keep getting. If you haven't been honest with me by not telling me things about your past then do you think I haven't been honest with you?"
"I never said that."
"Then you're holding yourself to some idea about what it means to be honest but I'm not being held to that same standard?"
He moved to sit on the edge of the desk extending his legs out and crossing his arms across his bare chest. She was her examining his logic from every angle. He could feel her going through that step by step analysis she attacked problems with. "If that's what you think honesty is then I'm not going to argue with you. We'll sit down and go through every detail we can remember, but you better be clear on exactly what you're asking for."
"What does that mean?" Trip had obviously thought about this more than she had.
"It will be an embarrassing, painful, and maybe even harmful experience for both of us. There are things I'd rather not discuss and I know you have a few of those things in your past too. I'd rather talk about things as they come up. If you want to know about something then just ask me. It's not that I'm hiding anything it's just that with memories come emotions and some are better left alone."
She didn't respond. "It's like an injury. When it begins to heal it scabs over. If you leave it alone it tends to get better. If you don't and keep picking at the scab it's like you've injured yourself again and the healing process has to start all over."
As she considered this she heard footsteps coming toward the door. "We are about to be interrupted." T'Pol let Trip hear what she heard.
"It's not my staff they wouldn't disturb us unless there was an emergency." Trip heard the steps getting closer and T'Pol's thoughts about who it was. She was right it was Captain Archer. The cadence of his steps as he walked with determination to find his chief engineer were unmistakable.
"You need to meditate more. It's the only way to resolve the issue." Trip told T'Pol as the door opened to admit their captain.
"I will consider your advice Commander. Would you be available to assist me after our shifts are over?" T'Pol knew he was right they needed to meditate. They had skipped it this morning due to her being upset with him.
"I'm sorry, but I thought my First Officer asked to leave the bridge to go to sickbay?" It looked like his chief engineer needed to go to sickbay also.
"I did Captain, but on my way there I discovered that perhaps a discussion with the Commander would be more helpful. I do intend to go see the doctor about this headache." The irony of this situation was not lost on T'Pol. She and Trip had been arguing about honesty and here she was being dishonest with her superior officer. When had it become so easy to twist the facts around to suit their needs?
Trip felt the pangs of guilt for her deception and her resolve to find a way to avoid being in this situation again. That quickly changed to concern for her mate. Their close proximity made blocking his pain impossible. His previous injury was still painful and the pain from the newly acquired burns had intensified.
"I have to go see doc about these burns, so I can get back down here and clean up this mess." He could see the look on Jon's face. "Don't look at me that way. I screwed up and it's going to take me until tomorrow to fix it. The sooner I get to see doc the sooner I can get started on my repairs." Trip still half dressed walked past the Captain, avoiding his eyes, as he exited the room.
Trip stuck his head in the maintenance shaft on his way out finding Ensign Rivers. "Billy why are you the only one who ever gets assigned to clean up after me?"
"I didn't get assigned. I volunteered, sir." The young ensign said as he smiled.
"Are you a glutton for punishment?"
"No sir, I really don't mind. Rather be busy than bored." Trip understood that. He felt the same way.
Hess heard this exchange. She knew exactly why the ensign volunteered whenever there was work related to anything the chief might be doing. She had taken advantage of the same quirk in his nature the first 2 years aboard Enterprise. Without thinking about it Trip rewarded those who did his grunt work without complaint. Hess knew there was an order the ensign would be counting on. His own private tutoring session with the chief engineer. He'd been assigned to Enterprise less than a year ago and already had more time logged working with Trip than everyone but Hess.
"Chief, you need to go to sickbay." Hess pointed at his side.
"I'm going. Assign Billy to me for the next 2 days." Trip ordered. As he passed through the door, "Billy if you get that mess cleaned up before I get back start writing out a repair plan. We'll work it out in more detail when I get back."
A very enthusiastic, "yes, sir," came from the young ensign.
The pair entered sickbay. Doctor Phlox was smiling until he saw Tucker's torso. "Commander we really need to discuss this penchant you have for injuring yourself."
"I'm an engineer what do you expect?" He did have to admit he had streaks where it seemed as if he never left this room or at least visited it often.
"I would have thought your burns from earlier would have been enough to convince even you to be more cautious."
"Just put something on these to stop the pain. I have a lot of work to do." Why do I let her get me so worked up that I forget what I'm doing. It serves me right.
Phlox scanned the burns stating they were 1st and 2nd degree and would be painful for the next several days. After applying an ointment and something from one of his pets he bandaged the wounds.
T'Pol remained quiet. Observing off to the side. "Commander T'Pol can I help you?"
"I have a headache and require an analgesic." No pain reliever would help her, but better to appear to be seeking the doctor's assistance.
"How long have you had this headache?"
"It began yesterday." She said this in a hushed tone some part of her hoping Trip wouldn't hear. She knew he had when she saw his face. Her headaches usually came from blocking things out of the bond. She could see him trying to access her mind and when he couldn't she saw the angry expression cross his face as he turned to leave.
"Commander Tucker, don't forget to stop back in the morning. I need to redress your burns and apply more ointment. If you need something for the pain just let me know." Phlox yelled to his back.
Trip spent the rest of his day concentrating and working with Billy to affect repairs. His frustration level rose as the day progressed. By the time he reached the Captain's Mess for their weekly Wednesday night dinner his mood was hard to miss.
"Sorry, I'm late. Had to spend extra time cleaning myself up." Trip told his dinner companions as he entered the room.
"It's fine. Just glad you're getting us up and running again." Archer replied.
Trip nonchalantly looked at T'Pol who had been ignoring him all day. He'd finally had to push the bond noise to the back of his head when it became obvious she wasn't going to respond to his pleas. Her gaze was directed at the captain and even though they were very close to one another she still ignored her mate.
Trip sat in the chair next to T'Pol. "Well, I have the engines..."
T'Pol got up heading to the door. "If you'll excuse me Captain I'm not feeling well. Meditation may aid me more than a meal at this time."
"Okay, do whatever will make you feel better." Archer said as she opened the door.
"T'Pol are you okay?" Trip asked out loud as she wouldn't answer him through their bond.
He thought she'd answer him if he asked in front of the captain, but he was wrong. She kept walking. "Damn, I should never have let me feet hit the floor this morning."
"What's that about your feet?" Archer was curious.
"Since I got out of bed this morning my day has gone from bad to worse. I'm sorry Jon. Can we eat? I'm starving. I missed lunch." He missed their lunch date. He hadn't even bothered to let her know he couldn't make it. Add that to whatever else she was mad about.
"Sure. Chef is making fish tonight, so I told him to send the food whenever it was ready."
"Good. I know these dinners are not supposed to be business but there are a few things we need to talk about." Trip continued explaining about what was needed for the engines through dinner.
Trip took T'Pol's dinner with him as he left, stopping in the galley to warm her pasta and get tea for them both. When he entered T'Pol's quarters he found her seated with her back to him attempting to meditate. He laid the plate on the desk and sat down on the chair nearest him.
"Please leave."
"And where exactly am I supposed to go."
"You have assigned quarters."
"Yeah, I guess I do, but I haven't spent more than 5 minutes in them since...... I don't even know how long." His room had been staged to appear as if he still occupied it if anyone were to drop by. There were clothes in the drawers and a uniform hung in the bathroom. Towels were hung on the towel bars and he'd even left some dirty ones on the floor with a pair of socks. It was by no means dirty, but had the typical Tucker lived in look about it.
"Just because you haven't stayed there doesn't mean you can't."
Trip became angry. "You can scream, or fight, or refuse to talk to me, but this is home and I'm not leaving." He stood, stripped off his clothes, and slipped into the bed facing the wall. Unofficial or not he was staying. Going to his quarters wasn't going to make his headache go away. Even if they were fighting being close to her was better than nothing. "I know you're upset, but you still need to eat." He closed his eyes and feigned sleep. He knew he wasn't going to sleep, but he could at least try to get himself relaxed.
"Trip."
The internal clock he could now tap into said he'd been laying there for almost two hours.
"Trip."
"Yeah."
"I require your assistance to meditate." She'd eaten the dinner he'd brought, but refused to speak to him until now.
He let out a sigh. "All you had to do was ask, but you have to agree to talk about today before or after we meditate."
He'd meditate anyway, but the blackmail was to let her know he wanted to talk. "I agree."
Trip threw his legs over the side of the bed and slid himself down behind her. He wrapped his arms around her as he laced the fingers of both hands into hers. "We meditate and talk after."
"We can talk while we meditate."
"No, we can't. You need to meditate to process your emotions not create more. That space is neutral and I'd very much like to keep it that way." No fighting, disagreeing, or cross words. He knew T'Pol had days when she needed him to meditate, especially when her emotions were intense, so they needed to keep that space free from the stresses of their everyday lives.
"Agreed." He might be angry, but he would always do what he needed to do to care for her. They meditated until her emotions were suppressed.
When he came back to reality the pain he hadn't felt while meditating instantly made him wince and draw away from T'Pol. "Darlin, we have to find a way to stop causing each other pain. My mind and body can't take much more. We need a break."
"Your burns are my fault?" He'd been yelling his complaints so loud she'd had to block him out.
"I never said that."
"You have been saying that all day. Complaining about me fighting with you and being stubborn..."
Trip listened to her and thought about what had been running through his mind all day. "You're right I did a lot of whining to myself today. You only heard the things I said about you, didn't you?" She must have, but he'd had plenty to say about his own part in the events of the day.
"Did you complain about someone else?"
"Me..... You do the same thing all day you know. You complain about everything that annoys you all through the day. I tune it out because I know it's just you trying to deal with your emotions like humans do. Did you really meant it when you thought about strangling Travis for constantly grumbling about the fluctuations in the engines or when you wanted to smack Hoshi for tapping her foot to her 'mystery music'?"
"Of course not. How is that the same as what you were doing?"
"I get frustrated and today has been worse than usual. I've learned to keep that frustration off my face and out of my voice, but I have to vent it somewhere. You just have to stop listening to it and stop taking it seriously."
T'Pol thought about this. He had explained how to vent as he called it to keep her emotions at a manageable level until she could meditate, but she hadn't considered that humans do this all the time to work through their emotional responses without inflicting them on those around them. He whined and she wanted to physically accost people. "So I need to ignore these tirades unless you direct them at me?"
"Yes. And next time Travis grumbles about the engines you might suggest he keep it to himself or at least complain to the person who is actually responsible."
"He 'grumbles' all the time when the engines aren't doing what he thinks they ought to. Most days we just let him go, but it might be better to tell him to speak to you if he has any complaints." Today had been a bad day for everybody it seemed.
"I always thought of him as kind of quiet." Maybe he needed to spend more time on the bridge. "I'm sorry I forgot about lunch. I got so involved in trying to work around the lack of spare parts that it slipped my mind."
"I would appreciate the courtesy of you telling me you cannot make it, but I knew you were busy." She had known, but the last part of his statement caught her by surprise. "We are short on spare parts?"
"Yeah, part of my frustration today has been because I let myself get so distracted and now we can't go faster than warp 2.2. I had to tell the captain tonight that we need to find parts or material to make our own parts to finish the repairs." Jon hadn't asked what caused the plasma conduit to rupture and Trip wasn't going to volunteer it. But he still felt guilty for having been the cause of the current state of the engine. They'd be fine at warp 2.2 unless they ran into trouble and needed more from the warp drive.
"My lack of control causes you to feel my emotions and you become frustrated." T'Pol let her shields down to let the bond flow more naturally. There was still this big angry ball of fire bouncing back and forth between them in the bond. Giving emotions a physical form in her mind had proven to be helpful in keeping than at bay until she could suppress them, but this bundle of emotions had gotten out of control rapidly.
Trip felt the bond slamming at his mind. He allowed his shields to come down. The headache eased, but the fierceness of the emotions flowing between them overwhelmed him. "No more it's my fault or it's your fault. We're partners and we're going to figure this out together." Trip sent all the positive emotions he could muster through the bond. He felt T'Pol do the same as she began ripping the sheets off the bed.
"What are you doing? You just put those on yesterday."
"You are burned on your right side and would have to face the wall to sleep, so we need to sleep at the other end."
Trip watched her trying to read her mind. She wouldn't come right out and say it, but with his injuries he could only hold her if he laid on his left side. It didn't matter to him that she couldn't say these things out loud. He knew all he needed to know and in time he hoped to convince her that actions spoke louder than words and overcome her worry that she would never be able to verbalize her emotions. He never expected her to and he had even stopped doing it himself. Not saying things made him more prone to show it. Hearing it would be nice, but there were things he needed much more than words.
Laying down felt wonderful. "Darlin, I say we stop trying to solve anymore problems. No stress so we can just enjoy being together for a while?" They needed to learn how to talk to each other. Vulcans didn't have personal issues so they had no experience discussing or working them out. As best he could tell Vulcan mates cared about each other, but suppressed all the emotions that would cause disagreements. He wished more than anything he could have talked to her older self when they encountered her. How had she learned to accept her emotions? How could he help his T'Pol? He'd have to settle for making sure she knew he loved her no matter what and that he knew she loved him.
"We can try." T'Pol molded her body into his as he laid his arm over her and pulled her closer.
And try they did. They worked and spent their free time meditating, relaxing, and being together. Finding the balance to keep her emotions under control and making their bond work for not against them. They eventually found a planet to resupply their depleted spare parts and raw materials. Trip, Malcolm,and a two man security team went to the surface in search of vendors. After the security team asked him for the umpteenth time what this part was or what that meant he decided he needed to ask for someone to transport down.
"Tucker to Captain Archer."
"Archer here."
"Captain we need Hess, Rostov, or T'Pol to transport down here. Malcolm and his guys don't know what they're looking for. It's going to take me hours to check out all these shops by myself." Especially if he had to keep explaining what they needed or examining the finds of the rest of the team. He needed someone who actually knew what a plasma regulator or injector looked like or what materials could be used by his staff. He preferred T'Pol be sent because she knew what she was doing and he wanted her close by. The planet seemed safe enough and they had Malcolm and his team here for protection.
Once she arrived Malcolm, T'Pol, and Ensign Graves took one side of the street and Trip took Ensign Brooks with him. After finding everything on their list the two ensigns requested time to make some personal purchases. The commanders contacted the captain and obtained his approval to remain on the surface for an additional 2 hours.
Malcolm followed the couple at a respectable distance to offer protection while still allowing them privacy. The closeness between them as they they walked together without touching fascinated the Lieutenant. T'Pol's face had that expression only those who had spent any time with her would notice. She was completely relaxed and at ease with her mate, enjoying their time together. Trip was an easy read with the Tucker grin plastered across his face, as they window shopped. They came to a shop where fabrics were on display. Trip lifted several different bolts of material along side her face to judge how it looked against her skin. They walked together Trip laughing and carefree like he hadn't been in some time. The longer Reed knew them the more convinced he was that they were perfect for each other. In the beginning he thought otherwise and had stated that fact to Trip many times. But as their relationship grew he saw his friends accept and adapt to accommodate each others needs.
They had stopped at the end of the street sitting across from each other in a small cafe eating some local dishes, talking, and pointing to the horizon. Malcolm wondered if he would ever find someone to care for like that. His fears of closeness had been instilled in him early by his parents. His mother acquiesced to whatever his father wanted, never expressing an opinion or objection that had not been approved by him first. His father had expected total obedience from everyone without question. His was a strict British military family. After meeting Vulcans and getting to know some of them it became clear that his parents were more closed off than any Vulcan he'd ever met. He'd begun to realize his apprehension about having a Vulcan on board had little to do with what he knew about Vulcans and everything to do with his parents. Trip had suggested he left home because some part of him deep down didn't want to become them. He was beginning to believe him.
-----
The repairs had finally been completed. Captain Archer paced across the bridge visibly irritated that he hadn't been able to reach his senior officers. He'd commed all three of their quarters several times with no response.
"Ensign, Sato, would you have the sensors locate the commanders and Lieutenant Reed?"
"Sir, you'll find them in the mess hall." Hoshi offered.
"You seem awfully sure of yourself." She knew something. He could tell by that look in her eyes.
"Yes sir. I'm supposed to meet them there after my shift."
Captain Archer stepped off the turbolift. As he approached the door to the mess hall he heard music and several voices. To his utter surprise several tables had been rearranged to accommodate the twenty or so people around them. A buffet style setup sat behind the group. His entire bridge crew, except Hoshi, were seated around the table with several members of the crew. Malcolm had taken a position next to the buffet explaining what each dish was and what holiday or festival it represented in England. The music in the background was most certainly a selection of British tunes.
Archer took a seat and watched as T'Pol approached the food and placed small amounts of several dishes on her plate, while conversing with those around her. She remained as expressionless as always and required they not cross into her personal space, but everyone seemed to accept this and her. When had she become a part of this crew and not the Vulcan Science officer? When had Malcolm gotten so comfortable with his fellow shipmates? Other crew in the mess hall stopped by to ask what was being served tonight. They were all invited to join in if they wished.
Archer heard T'Pol call out Trip's name. He had never heard her call him Trip before. The emotion he saw in Trip's eyes and across his face as he stopped and looked back at her told him there was much more than friendship going on there. Where was that expressionless man he'd seen on the bridge and in engineering lately. He wasn't hiding anything here. Some silent agreement seemed to be in affect because no one took any notice of the obvious affection between the two senior officers. In fact after glancing around the room he saw that no one paid any attention to anyone that wasn't seated at their table.
When Trip turned back around he became aware of Jon sitting across the room and walked straight to him. "Jon, why don't you join us? There's plenty of food if you're hungry."
Archer considered the group for a moment. They were all in casual clothes and on a first name basis with each other. Another small group had come in and occupied the empty seats around the table. Their duty shift had ended a short time ago. "I'm not sure the captain would be welcomed."
"No one will mind if you can stop being the captain and just be Jonathon Archer for a while."
Did he know how to do that anymore? His sense of duty had overridden everything since the Xindi attack. "What exactly is this little gathering about?"
Weekly Trip, T'Pol, and Malcolm began learning about new cultures together through food with Chef's assistance. Other crew members expressed an interest and joined them. They had agreed to no uniforms, no rank, and no work during the meal. They discussed the holidays, customs, and foods of whichever culture they were learning about. One member was responsible for the night's meal and enlisted others to help them and Chef prepare for the meal. "You have to stop working more than at dinner with me and T'Pol." Trip knew this was hard for him. Being captain made having relationships aboard ship difficult, but not impossible. They had managed to find a way to be friends again, but Jon had isolated himself from the rest of the crew. He had a good working relationship with the bridge crew, but no other friendships outside of work.
As Jon listened to his friend talk. His happiness came through. The twinkle that drew people to Trip had returned to his eyes. He was happy so everyone around him was going to be happy too. Jon rose from the table and went to eat with his crew. These people had gone through some horrific things together and had come to a place where they were helping each other heal. He had not yet found Jonathon Archer the man again, and he did not feel like he was a part of them, but maybe if he pretended long enough he eventually would.
