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Chapter 2: In Which Dorcas Meadowes Is Used As Sirius's Black Personal Guinea Pig

During the following weeks, Sirius spent much more time thinking than he usually did. And, since he usually spent about two minutes a day thinking and doing nothing else, his friends noticed it and inquired about his strange behaviour.

"I'm fine," Sirius would say, trying to laugh it off.

But the more he thought about it, the clearer it became. He would listen to Remus, and think he was the most interesting person he knew. He would look at Remus when the light-haired boy wasn't looking, and he would find him hopelessly adorable, especially the slight frown on Remus's face when he was reading. Remus would touch him unintentionally, and he would feel butterflies in his stomach he had never realized were there before.

They were now in mid December. Sirius decided it was time to snog some girl. If he didn't like it, then he would know. He was still confused about his feelings, so confused that he had just realized that he had not dated a girl since June. Well, he had not had the chance during the summer, stuck inside Grimmauld Place and then having fun at James's, Sirius tried to convince himself. And when they had come back to Hogwarts? You just didn't feel like dating a girl, said a voice in his head, and this voice sounded very much like Remus's. I had other things on my mind, what with Quidditch, pranks and detentions, Sirius protested. Remus's voice snorted.

"Are you sure you're alright, Padfoot?" James asked for the second time that day.

They were having breakfast in the Great Hall. Sirius was sitting as far from Remus as he could without it being noticed, that was, next to James and in front of Peter, who sat next to Remus. He was still much too close.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Sirius grumbled. "You've asked me this ten minutes ago already, just leave me alone, will you?"

Sirius looked down at his plate, which was at least half less filled than usual. He didn't feel like eating these days. Remus, as usual, seemed to read his thoughts.

"You don't eat much these days, Padfoot," Remus said softly. "Are you sure you're not ill? We're worried about you."

Sirius stared into Remus's concerned eyes. Sirius had always thought Remus's eyes were wonderful. They were of a beautiful and unusual shade of golden, like the colour of fallen leaves, and could display such a wide range of emotion. Sirius could always tell whether Remus was sad or happy, just by looking into his eyes.

"Maybe he's in love with some chick," James said snidely.

James and Peter sniggered. Remus and Sirius broke their eye contact.

"In your words, it sounds like some kind of disease," Remus rolled his eyes.

"Not in my words," James shook his head, "in Sirius's. We all know how much Sirius is afraid of the mere idea of having a real relationship, of being in love. I'm not scared of being in love, we all know I'm in love with Lily and –"

But Sirius had stopped listening to him. What James had just said had the bitter taste of truth. He had dated – Sirius counted in his head – twelve girls throughout his fifth year, but none of them had lasted more than a week. He had never cared that much about any of them. He had never thought about this possibility, but it must have been because he was not, after all, interested in girls.

"I need to make sure of that."

Sirius cringed, having not meant to say that aloud. James looked at him in concern, but there was still a twinkle of mockery in his eyes.

"I always say, Padfoot, that if you think too much your head will explode. Voicing what you're thinking in the first step," James said seriously.

"Don't listen to him," Remus shook his head.

Sirius watched thoughtfully as Remus finished eating.

"What do you need to make sure of, by the way?" Peter asked.

Damn Peter, Sirius thought. Why does he always have to know everything about us?"

"I don't remember," Sirius lied casually. "And I bet that's the second step, Prongs?"

"You got it alright, Padfoot," James laughed.

As Sirius allowed himself to smile, he caught Remus's thoughtful gaze. Sirius would give about anything to be able to read Remus's mind at this moment.

"Hello, Lily!" James almost shouted as the red-haired girl passed by.

"Potter," Lily said, acknowledging him with a stiff nod.

Lily then made her way away from them, at the other end of the Gryffindor table, and sat down next to Dorcas Meadowes. Dorcas.

"Have you seen that?" James said, excited. "She actually did not snarl at me!"

"That's very good, Prongs," Remus said, trying not to laugh.

Sirius took as an excuse that he had just emptied his plate.

"I'll see you in Charms, I've got something to do first," Sirius said vaguely.

Sirius then stood up and made his way towards Lily and Dorcas.

"Aha!" he heard James cry. "I knew it!"

If he had not been so worried, Sirius would have laughed and shouted back at James. But he certainly wasn't in the mood.

"Good morning, ladies," Sirius said, trying to act like the heartbreaker he used to be, and, to the rest of Hogwarts, still was.

Lily and Dorcas merely looked up from their breakfast to grunt. This isn't going to be so easy, Sirius thought. But if he had chosen Dorcas, it was partially to make sure that there was nothing going on between her and Remus. It was also because, having never dated her, she did not resent him for having dumped her.

"I'd like to talk to you in private, Dorcas," Sirius said, smiling at her.

Dorcas nearly choked and blushed as Lily giggled.

"Talk, huh?" Lily scoffed.

Dorcas took a deep breath and tried to make the blush on her cheeks disappear. Oh, why, why did Sirius Black have to be so good-looking?

"Talk about what, Sirius?" Dorcas asked innocently.

Sirius was caught off-guard.

"Oh, er… Quidditch."

Dorcas was Gryffindor's Seeker. Sirius and James were Chasers.

"Because you need to talk to me in private for that? Lily can't hear it?" Dorcas said in disbelief. "Besides, James is the Captain, he usually does all the Quidditch talk."

Sirius knew why he had not dated Dorcas Meadowes. This girl was too witty. Still, Sirius had one weapon left: The Look.

"Let's just go, alright?" Sirius said huskily, smirking.

He gave her The Look, that made almost every girl swoon and fall head over heels for him. And, clever as she might be, Dorcas Meadowes was no exception.

"Alright," Dorcas replied quietly, her face slightly flushed again.

Five minutes later, they had left the Great Hall and entered the first empty room they had found. Dorcas leaned against a wall, at least as nervous as him.

"So…" Dorcas said. "What did you want to talk to me about? Quidditch?"

"Dorcas, I thought you were clever," Sirius smirked.

The brown-haired girl blushed again and seemed to hate herself for it. It had always amazed Sirius, the effect he had on females.

"No," Sirius said, "I was wondering if you could do something for me, as a favour."

"A favour?" Dorcas asked suspiciously.

She was beginning to think she had misunderstood Sirius's reasons for bringing her here.

"Yes, you see, I think I'm in love with that girl –" Sirius began.

"Which girl?" Dorcas interrupted.

Damn. Think quickly, Sirius.

"Marlene McKinnon."

He had said the first name that had popped into his head. Thankfully, Marlene and Dorcas weren't friends, therefore Dorcas might not tell Marlene about all this. And even if she did, it would not matter much.

"Marlene?" Dorcas shrugged. "I don't see how I fit in all this."

"Don't you, Dorcas?" Sirius asked sweetly.

Sirius tried to find a way to ask her that would not infuriate her, but it seemed quite difficult.

"Well, before I tell her how I feel, I wanted to make sure that I really loved her, and that's why I thought that I should kiss another girl and see what I feel."

Spooky how easy it was to lie, sometimes. Dorcas seemed to think about it for a moment.

"In short, you want to use me as a guinea pig?" Dorcas finally said.

She didn't seem to believe a single word he'd said, but didn't seem to mind.

"My personal guinea pig," Sirius smiled.

He gave her The Look again, just in case.

After a quick fight with herself, Dorcas gave up. "Alright."

"Thanks, Dorcas," Sirius said, slightly relieved.

He walked towards her and with what seemed to him as a great effort, pressed his lips against her. He closed his eyes and told himself to enjoy it, that Dorcas was a pretty girl and why, oh why didn't he enjoy it? He pulled back and looked down at her, troubled.

"How was I?" Sirius asked.

Maybe it was just because he needed some practise. Dorcas laughed, bewildered.

"Sirius Black, questioning me about his kissing abilities? I must be dreaming."

But when Sirius kept on looking disturbed, she smiled kindly.

"You were great, Sirius, of course you were."

Dorcas was surprised to see that this did not seem like good news to Sirius.

"I – I think I love her," Sirius said faintly.

"It's going to be alright, Sirius, don't worry."

No, it's not going to be alright, Sirius thought bitterly. What am I going to do?