Chapter Three: Just Another School Day
Charlie had put his foot down: I was no longer allowed to drive Bella to school each morning, and Bella now had curfews on school nights. He was reacting, rightly so, to Bella's leaving on her disastrous trip south as she "left me"-all a ruse, of course, to shield Bella's father from the danger of the tracker who had sought Bella so single-mindedly—James, who had nearly killed her. Charlie blamed me for Bella's hurtful words when she left home, and he blamed me for her injuries in Phoenix—again rightly so. Bella was furious at her father, but I attempted to soothe her. These steps were minimal—at least he still allowed Bella to spend her afternoons and evenings with me—and, of course, he remains unaware that I spend each night in her room.
Fortunately, Bella and I only have a week left of school, and then the summer stretches before us. I can tell that she is excited about spending more time with me, and of course, I want to spend every second of every day in her presence, but something keeps me from total happiness: the complete opposite—fear. I know that every minute that Bella spends in my presence endangers her—especially around my family. I still don't trust Jasper, despite his help in Phoenix a few weeks ago. I've warned him to back off from Bella again, and I know that she's noticed...I see her forehead crease with concern when he keeps his distance. Perhaps she thinks he doesn't like her. I would rather she think that than having her know the truth: he struggles with her presence more than even I do, and my greatest fear is that he will lose control around her and she could be injured...or worse. Much worse.
Leaning against my still-warm Volvo in the school lot this morning, I continued waiting for her. The rest of my family have already left the car for their first class. I checked my watch again; Bella was running late, most likely a result of her decrepit truck. At last I picked up the familiar sound of the chugging of the truck's ancient engine, and I stood up, impatient to be with her again. I couldn't help smiling to myself; here I was, impatient for the burning in my throat to start. But being with Bella—receiving her smiles, seeing the intuition flash in her eyes as she saw past my pretenses, being the center of her world—all this brought me greater joy than I had ever imagined.
I shook my head. But it shouldn't be so. I worried for her, worried about her being in the company of myself, of my family, so constantly—worried that something would happen to her, and that I wouldn't have the sixty or so years of her human life to be with her. I sighed. There just didn't seem to be a way to be happy with her and to keep her safe at the same time. It was a balancing act on the thinnest of tightropes, and the slightest imbalance could send us tumbling down to destruction. Or, rather, send HER to destruction...
The truck turned into the high school parking lot, and as I scanned Bella's face as she steered the behemoth into a nearby space. She looked a little tired. She hadn't slept very well since the prom, as if she too were worried about something. The crease on her forehead disappeared as she caught my gaze in the depths of her chocolate-brown eyes, and I was lost in her warm gaze ... again. And she accuses ME of dazzling HER. But again the venom welling in my mouth, my muscles tensing to spring, my throat bursting into flame—all these signs of who I am seemed to disappear as she approached me, and joy became the overwhelming emotion I felt. I savored it, knowing that our balancing act could end at any time. Bella was human, and as long as she remained so, she remained in danger. But the alternative—robbing her of life and soul—frightened me far worse. It was truly a dilemma, one I couldn't solve today … or perhaps ever.
I looked down at her smiling face as she approached me, and she craned her neck upward to see me better, the light drizzle dampening her translucent skin. Her eyes became unfocused as she took a deep breath—apparently she was nearly as "dazzled" by me as I was by her.
"Hey," she said softly. And I saw the relief cross her face. It was nearly as hard for her when we are apart as it was for me. The tenseness of her shoulders relaxed, and her body moved almost gracefully as she reached me.
I didn't answer her, but took her gently—as always—into my arms. Bella wrapped her arms around my waist, and we stood there in the lot for a long moment, lost in the wonder of this love that engulfed us both. But the burn of my throat reminded me that parting at this moment was the best thing for Bella, and I pulled away. She let go with a reluctant frown that made me smile a little as I took her hand and turned toward her first class.
As we approached her English classroom, Bella slowed, obviously reluctant to part from me so soon after our reunion in the parking lot.
"Lunch seems like a long time to wait for you, doesn't it?" I asked, smiling slightly.
Bella made a grimace, then turning, put both arms around my neck and pulled herself against me, hinting for a goodbye kiss, oblivious to the nearly full classroom behind her and to Mike Newton's glare as he took in our embrace. I caught his eye behind Bella's back, and he quickly looked away.
"Freak," Newton thought. "How could Bella even like him, much less be trying to kiss him right in front of me? It's almost like she's rubbing my nose in it..."
I blocked his annoying thoughts from my mind as I raised my face above Bella's head and pressed my lips gently against her forehead. She pulled away with a disgruntled expression that I couldn't help laughing at.
"Be good," I whispered in her ear as I pulled her close for a hug.
"That's no fun … no fun at all," she grumbled. As I released her, she turned away, entering the classroom and sliding into the seat next to Mike who greeted Bella with some enthusiasm. My eyes narrowed at his changed mood as I turned my back and started walking to my math class, seeing Bella watch me disappear around the corner through Mike's less cheerful thoughts as he observed her distraction.
As I sat through Calculus, I paid little attention to the lecture. Instead, I found myself thinking of Bella, as usual, and the dilemma I faced each day I remained with her: my need for her vs. the danger I put her in just being with me. Sitting next to me, Alice sensed my distraction but didn't invest much concern—we had talked and talked about this dilemma in the weeks that Bella was hospitalized in Phoenix.
While Carlisle and the rest of the family returned to Washington after tracking down and killing James, Alice had remained with me and Bella in Arizona even though we had to be very careful because of the constant sunshine. We basically spent all day in the hospital with Bella, then returned to the hotel room when visitors were no longer allowed. Alice had talked me through those long nights without Bella—those nights during which I berated myself for the pain Bella endured during her long recovery because I had failed to keep her safe, had failed to protect her from James, had failed to protect her from what we are.
I don't regret my decision to save Bella from changing into a vampire—saving her from giving up her soul—even if Alice still sees this change in Bella's future, a topic I refuse to discuss with Alice or anyone, and especially not with Bella. I was so relieved that she had survived...and had survived HUMAN. When I was with her during those long days in the hospital, I couldn't take my eyes off her, even if the sight of her, broken and weak, made me incredibly sad—and incredibly angry with myself. Each time she had winced in pain, I had cringed with her. No matter how Bella tried to hide her physical discomfort as she slowly healed, I saw it and felt it—I am too attuned to her to be fooled by her poor human subterfuge; and besides, Bella is such a bad liar that I see right through her weak attempts to be brave.
I was just thankful that Bella had survived, despite my failings. But while being with her brought me the most incredible joy—I was happier than I ever could have imagined—I knew that her being with me continued to put her in danger...even now when the only physical reminder of her injuries was her leg cast.
After all, last time we had simply been enjoying a family baseball game, and look at what had happened.
Alice knew to look ahead, to keep an eye on Bella's future, but Alice can't see everything; sometimes decisions are made at the last moment, and we could have no more notice than we had at the baseball game. Or with Tyler's van. Or...
How easily something dangerous could happen again to Bella! The very thought haunts me continually, and when I am away from Bella, I tend to obsess about the very real possibilities of Bella's injury or death—or worse—to Alice's impatience and dismay.
My rather maudlin thoughts were interrupted by my sister calling to me silently. "Edward!"
I glanced toward her, meeting her golden eyes with my eyebrow raised. Alice looked disgruntled.
"About time," she grumbled in her mind. "I've been trying to get your attention for the past ten minutes."
I gave her an apologetic half-smile.
"Worrying about Bella again?" Alice looked annoyed as the question crossed her mind; I really couldn't blame her; I was obsessing.
I looked back at her, my smile gone, and she noted my concerned expression.
"Edward, this has GOT to stop. You're driving everyone crazy...even me. I'm watching her—so stop worrying and just enjoy being in love." She smiled, and I tried to return it, but with my stomach twisting with stress and worry, I'm sure I failed. Alice frowned, shaking her head in frustration and sadness.
I sighed. I knew Alice was right, and her self-satisfied smile showed that she also knew it. It was so annoying. But I couldn't seem to help myself; everything dangerous and hurtful seemed to work together to injure or harm Bella. Her bad luck should be bottled and sold: we could make a fortune...if we didn't already have one.
The bell rang, indicating the end of first period, and I slowly (even slowly for human speed) made my way to my next class while Alice walked gracefully in the other direction to the English building. Across the lawn I saw Bella walking to her next class with Newton, and my eyes narrowed again. I didn't care what it took; next year I was going to make sure that Bella and I shared every single class possible so that I could be the one walking her to each and every class. Bella and Mike didn't look up as they entered their Government classroom, and their conversation seemed animated. But I refused to stoop to the level of listening to her conversations with other people...even with other boys. Even with other normal, human boys—boys who would be much healthier for Bella to spend her days with than with me.
If I really loved Bella, I would leave. It was only weakness and sheer selfishness that kept me here ... weakness, selfishness, and ... love. I should insure her safety by removing myself and my family from Forks, from Washington, from the West Coast. We should just disappear, just vanish—despite the temper-tantrum Rosalie would undoubtedly throw when she discovered we were moving. But we've had to move for her in the past, so she owed me this time.
Yes, Bella would be broken-hearted. But human memories are sieves...and human hearts heal. In just a few months, she would forget all about me and find love with a real human boy, one who could insure that she had a normal, human life—the life she truly deserved. But myself—I swallowed convulsively—I would never forget Bella. My love for her would never fade, no matter how many centuries I lived. My memory was perfect, and my heart was hers. For eternity.
The thought of leaving Bella caused me such pain that I gasped, stopping in my tracks, my hand reaching out to grasp a metal pole that supported the covered sidewalk I had been walking under on my way to American history class. My legs shook under me, and my vision blurred. Was it possible for me to leave her without shattering myself into a thousand pieces? It didn't seem like it. The pain at the mere thought of leaving was so intense that it made me physically weak—supposedly an impossibility for an immortal like myself. At the moment I could barely stand. So how could I handle the reality of leaving Bella if the thought alone caused me to nearly collapse?
I knew that Bella had changed me so completely that I would always love her, no matter whether she was with me or not. Nothing could ever change my love for her—our iced-over natures so rarely changed. But when we did change, the alteration was permanent. And I knew that my love for Bella was permanent, part of my altered DNA.
But was my love the best thing for her?
It was a question I refused to answer...for now. I took a deep breath, steadied myself, and, letting go of the pole that I had almost bent with the force of my grip, I made my way to my history class. But my sense of joy earlier this morning was gone. And I wondered if it would ever return...
