Confusion, Chap. 3
A/N: Okay, so I've completely blown the 'drabble' thing up, with Chap. 2 and now this chapter. My apologies.-Robert
As I ate my trout that night, I found my thoughts going back to Caitlin again, something that I recalled having happened an awful lot recently. And I realized that I was feeling something that I hadn't felt in a very long time—that I was falling in love with her. Or maybe I've been in love with her from the beginning, I thought, and just been too damned stubborn to admit it. Maybe Saint John can help me, I thought as I finished eating and did the dishes.
And, that's why I'm hoping she doesn't give up on men, I realized, because if she does, that means I've completely screwed up any chance of being with her. Of course, I might have screwed that up anyway, with the way I've treated her recently, but if she really does decide to give up on men, I'll never know. Of course, I knew if I didn't take the chance, I'd never know what Cait was thinking anyway. Not that I ever really do know, or understand, what Caitlin O'Shannessy might be thinking, even though I know sometimes it seems like I do. But, I thought, she definitely understands me, and knows what I'm thinking, sometimes even before I do.
After dinner, I finished doing the dishes and fixed myself another glass of wine, trying to reconcile the feelings in my mind. I mean, I was ready to admit that I was in love with Caitlin, and that I had been for a very long time, but there were things that bothered me—What if she doesn't love me the way I love her? What if she really does give up on men after what happened with John, like she said she was going to do? And worst of all, what if my attitude the past few months—years, actually—has convinced her that I don't love her, even though I do?
I glanced at a photo of Caitlin that was sitting on a table near the sofa. "I love you, Caitlin. And, I'm in love with you," I said to the face in the photograph, and suddenly, something in the air felt different. Like I should have admitted that a long time ago, I thought. Now I just have to find the right way to admit it to her. I marveled at how easily the words came out of my mouth just then. But that's because I was talking to her face in a picture, I thought. I'll bet it'll be a whole different story when I'm standing in front of her for real.
Later that evening, as I sat and watched the fire die down before I went to bed, I found myself thinking about every time Cait had been in danger since she came to California, and that she'd survived each time. Of course, I hadn't admitted my feelings about her, I thought, trying to justify why she kept coming back to us—to me—in light of the curse I felt like I had on me.
But Sinj is home now, and he's alive, like I thought before, and that busts a pretty damned big hole in that stupid curse. Plus, there's Dom. He's been backin' me on Airwolf missions ever since Michael asked me to steal the Lady back, and he's still here. And of course, Caitlin. Sometimes, I wonder if she knows how happy she makes me. I smiled as I thought back on how much happier I've been since I've known Cait, even when I've been fighting to ignore her effect on me. I mean, I can't explain it, really, but I just feel this kind of peace and happiness when she's near me. It sounds weird, I know, but that's the truth. And I realized that over the course of the time that I've known Caitlin, she's come to mean a great deal more to me than I let her believe. And I'm sure that's why she said she was going to give up on men, I thought. Because if she really is in love with me the way I think she might be, and I keep refusing to acknowledge how much she loves me, sooner or later, she will just give up trying, and maybe give up on men entirely, unless some other man charms her right out of my life. Then another voice sounded in my head. Or unless you find your balls and tell her how you really feel, the voice said, and I wasn't sure how to respond to that.
Then, I started thinking about all the other questions that had been on my mind today. Why was I concerned that Cait was upset with me? That answer was simple–because I loved her, because I was in love with her, and because I was worried that she didn't feel the same way about me. And that was also the reason I felt so relieved when I heard that John had dumped her. Because it would mean I still had a chance, if I just take it, I thought. And that was also the reason it made such a difference to me if she gave up on men. 'Cause if she does, that means I never had a chance with her, I thought sadly, and that sooner or later, I'll lose Caitlin forever, when she finds a 'cowboy that cute,' as she once said, or some other guy who'll sweep her off her feet and right out of my life, and not only be after her body like Jon was, or after her because she knows me, like Sawyer—and to an extent, Villers—was. He-he'll love Caitlin, and want Caitlin, for herself. That thought sent a shiver of fear through my body. I know one thing—as afraid as I am of loving Caitlin because of the curse I think I have on me, the thought of losing Caitlin to another man scares me even worse. I—I just can't bear the idea of Caitlin being with someone else, if she's not with me.
But I can't think like that! I was surprised and relieved that all the questions I had on my mind had answered themselves so quickly. I think I knew the answers all along, I thought as I sipped my wine, I was just afraid to admit to any of them, because if I admitted that I knew the answers, I'd have to admit, and acknowledge, that I'm in love with Caitlin.
I sighed as I finished off my wine and headed upstairs to bed. Well, I thought as I closed my eyes, I'll figure it out, eventually. And for some strange reason, I kept seeing Caitlin's tear-streaked face at the forefront of my thoughts. Even with her eyes all red and puffy from crying, she's beautiful, I thought. Finally, my mind quieted and allowed me to fall asleep.
I wish like heck I could say that my emotions were settled when Dom came to get me the next morning, but if I said that, I'd be lying. I didn't say a word until we'd arrived at the hangar, and then my first words were in response to something Cait said.
"String, you okay? You look almost as upset as I was yesterday," she said, smiling up at me. Just from seeing that smile, I felt a whole lot better for some strange reason. It shouldn't surprise you, Hawke. When Caitlin smiles at you like that, it tells you that everything's right in your world. It always has, I thought.
"Not really, Cait. I-I've just got a lot on my mind right now, that's all."
"Want to talk about it?"
Oh, no, I thought. "Nah, Cait. It's-it's just somethin' I've gotta figure out on my own. Don't worry about me, okay?"
"String, I worry about you because I care about you." I stifled a smile as I heard the echoes of my words to her the day before. "As a good friend, that is. Just like you said to me."
Is that all, Cait? I wondered, remembering what Dom had told me Cait had said before they rescued me from Horn. "Thanks, Cait, but just like you said yesterday, I'll be fine." You coward! The voice from last night was back. You had a perfect opportunity to tell her how you feel right in the palm of your hand, and you're letting it walk away from you! Now, who knows when you'll get the next one! Now, I know why Gunny Romie always called you 'Chicken Hawke!' I don't know why, but the voice in my head sounded an awful lot like Gabrielle just then.
Yeah, I thought. And, you're right. That was the perfect opportunity for me to tell Cait how I feel about her, and I wimped out.
Tell me something I don't know, the voice retorted sarcastically. Then I heard Caitlin saying something, and pulled myself back into the present.
"Okay, String. If you say so." I smiled at her as we got back to work. Something tells me she doesn't believe me, I thought, noticing something in her expression, even though she'd smiled at me.
"Penny for 'em, little brother?" Saint John asked me a few hours later.
I glanced over to where Caitlin was standing, and Saint John got the message immediately. "C'mon," he said. "Let's go for a walk." I couldn't help but think that even after sixteen years away from me, Sinj could still read me like a book.
"Okay, Sinj," I said as we walked away from the hangar.
"You really like her, don't you, little brother?" Saint John asked me a few minutes later.
I hesitated for a minute, not sure how I'd answer him, then finally decided the only thing I could do was tell him the truth. A truth I'd been fighting far too long. "Yeah, I do, Sinj. I like Cait an awful lot. In fact, I think"—Saint John cut me off abruptly.
"You're finally admitting that you love her, aren't you? Congratulations, little brother!" Saint John smiled at me, and I had to admit, he hadn't lost his touch. Damn. Even after bein' away from me for all these years, he can still read me like a book, I thought. Now I see why he always did so damned well in those psychology classes he took in college.
"Yeah. I am admitting that I love Cait. And, that I'm in love with Cait. But, Sinj, you've gotta promise me not to say one word about this to her, or Dom."
"You know I wouldn't do that, String."
"Dammit, Saint John, promise me!" I really hated to use my brother's full name like that, but this was important. I wanted Saint John's word that he wouldn't say anything to Caitlin, or Dom, about my feelings, and I wasn't going to let him off the hook about it.
"Okay, String, okay. If it'll make you feel better to hear me say it, I promise—my lips are sealed. But let me say this, little brother. It's about time you admit how you feel about her, dammit!"
"Yeah, I know, Sinj," I said, lapsing back into the nickname I'd used for my older brother since we were kids. "By the way, thanks. I guess I finally realize that the curse doesn't really exist, especially now that you're home."
"I'm sure glad to hear that, String," Saint John said. "Y'know, if I didn't know how much Cait loved you, I probably would've asked her out myself by now."
"You really think she loves me, Sinj?"
"Oh, come on, little brother! You can't tell me you've never noticed—wait a minute, never mind. Yes, you could tell me you've never noticed how she looks at you sometimes." My big brother grinned at me, to let me know there were no hard feelings. But, I remembered when we rescued Cait from Sawyer, she kissed both Dom, and me; and it seemed to me like she held the kiss with me a little longer than she did with Dom. Was Cait tryin' to tell me something? I wondered. Finally, I knew I had to tell Saint John how much I appreciated our little talk.
"Thanks, Sinj," I said as we turned back to the hangar. "Thanks for listenin' to me."
"Any time, little brother. That's what I'm here for. I figure that's something I can do to try and make up for being gone all those years."
"Thanks. I really mean that, Sinj. And I appreciate what you're saying. Probably more than you know." I smiled as I recalled Dom telling me how Caitlin had told him, 'I care about him, too, you know. Probably more than you know.' And once again, I found myself wondering exactly what she meant by that.
Maybe you should just find your balls and ask her about it! The little voice was back again.
Yeah, I admitted quietly, if for no other reason than to try and shut the little voice up, at least for a while, you're right.
Glad you can admit it, 'Chicken Hawke,' the little voice said, sounding a lot like Gunnery Sgt. Romie, my senior drill instructor at Fort Jackson when I went into the Army. No wonder that damned voice has had my attention so much, I thought. Old 'Ready-To-Rumble' always knew exactly what to say to get me and all the other recruits riled up.
"I know, little brother."
Just then, Caitlin came out of the hangar and walked straight up to me. "You okay, String?" She must've seen somethin' in my eyes, I thought, suddenly becoming worried. Or she wondered why Sinj and I were walkin' away from the hangar like that.
"Feelin' a lot better now, Cait," I said honestly. "Sinj and I just had a little brother-to-brother talk." From the look on Cait's face, I got the impression that she was wondering exactly what Saint John and I had talked about, but I wasn't about to tell her. Considering we were discussing her, I thought.
"Well, String, just remember that I'm always here to talk to, if you need me." The look in Cait's eyes was one I hadn't seen before, and I couldn't tell exactly what it meant. And I'm not about to try and guess what she's thinking, I thought, recalling something Dom had told Saint John and me both when we were kids: Never assume anything, because it just makes an ass out of you, and me. And, I thought, that's the last thing I want—to end up lookin' like an ass in front of Caitlin if I assume something, and I'm wrong.
"I-I'll remember that, Cait," I stammered, surprised at how much I appreciated her words to me. "Thanks."
"Any time, String." She smiled and winked at me as we got back to work.
Before Dom took me home that night, Cait walked over and hugged me. "You sure you're okay, String?" she asked when she pulled back and looked me in the eyes. I never noticed this, but she has the most beautiful eyes, I thought, even as I once again noticed how well her body seemed to fit against mine. Actually, there are a lot of things I never noticed about Cait, until now, because I wouldn't let myself notice them. Well, I'm definitely noticing now.
"Yeah, Cait. I'm fine. I'll see you in the morning, okay?"
"Okay, String." I smiled at her as she slipped out of my arms and walked over to her car to go home. Dom and I climbed into the helicopter and headed back to my cabin. Then that little voice started up again. You did it again, 'Chicken Hawke!' You had another perfect opportunity in your hands—literally—and you chickened out again! I'm really disappointed in you. I mean, seriously—just how many more opportunities do you think you're gonna get thrown at you on a silver platter like that last one, or the one before that?
Yeah. I know, I thought as I strapped into the co-pilot's seat.
"String, are you sure you're okay?" Dom asked once we got in the air.
"Yeah, Dom, I'm fine," I said, smiling at him. "Why?"
"No reason, other than the fact that I think you've been bein' friendlier toward Cait these past few days than you've ever been since you met her! What's goin' on, String?"
"Well, Dom, she probably needs a friend right now, after what happened with John," I said, not wanting to reveal too much, "and I do care about her. Maybe a lot more than I realized, or wanted to admit, until now."
"Oh?" Just from Dom's tone of voice, I knew I'd said too much.
"Just drop it, okay, Dom?" I pleaded. Given that John only broke up with Caitlin a day ago, I didn't feel right telling her I was in love with her, and asking her out so soon. But if you don't, that annoying voice sounded in my head again, and soon, then somebody else probably will. And the next one could very well be the 'cowboy that cute' that Cait was wishing she would find. I winced when I considered, again, the possibility that Cait could find someone who would love her for her—the way that I now realized that I do—and not have an ulterior motive, and that I'd lose her forever.
"Okay, okay," Dom said. I was relieved when I saw the cabin coming up in the distance. Once we'd landed, I quickly unstrapped and climbed out the co-pilot's door.
"See ya in the morning, Dom!" I said over the roar of the engine.
"Okay, String!" Dom smiled and waved at me, then I stepped back as he throttled up the helicopter's engine and lifted off pointing the helicopter back toward Van Nuys.
That night, I thought about what had happened that day, and I smiled when I recalled Caitlin's expression just before Dom and I left. She has a beautiful smile, I thought. Heck, she's beautiful. Probably the most beautiful woman I've ever known, if I'm being totally honest with myself. As I went to bed that night, I found Caitlin's smiling face at the forefront of my thoughts again, and I made up my mind that if another opportunity presented itself, I was going to tell Caitlin how I felt about her. But later, I had a dream of finding Caitlin the same way I found Gabrielle—unconscious and dying in my arms. That can't happen, I thought. And if we get too much closer, I'm scared to death that it will. Finally, I allowed myself to go back to sleep. As much as I hated to do it, after that nightmare, I knew that I had to keep Caitlin at arms' length, at least, or else that nightmare might just come true, and there was no way in hell I wanted that to happen.
When Dom and I got to the hangar the next morning, Saint John and Caitlin were standing outside waiting for us. "Morning, Sinj," I said, ignoring Caitlin completely. I winced at how hurt she looked, but after the dream I had last night, I knew that was how it had to be.
"Hey, String," Caitlin said, walking up to me. I smiled weakly at her, then went to work. I didn't realize Saint John had seen me blow Caitlin off until he confronted me a few hours later.
"Okay, String. If you're not gonna talk to Cait, which you haven't done since you and Dom got here this morning, then you're gonna talk to me. Cait told me a few minutes ago that you haven't said word one to her since you and Dom got here this morning! And, she also told me how hurt she is by you ignoring her like that. I don't mind tellin' you, String, after what Cait told me, I'm so mad I could kick your ass myself! What in the hell is going on in your head, little brother?" Saint John demanded later. I should've known, I thought. I saw how hurt Cait looked when I blew her off when Dom and I got here, and I should've known she'd say something to Saint John about it, I thought.
"Whataya mean, Sinj?"
"Didn't you hear a thing I just said, String? You've been blowing Caitlin off since you and Dom got here this morning, and she's feelin' even worse now than she did the other day when John broke up with her. I thought yesterday that you told me"—
"I know what I said, Sinj, but it's like I told you before. I can't risk losing Cait the same way I lost Gabrielle, or Kelly. And I feel like that's exactly what's gonna happen if I tell her how I feel about her."
"Come on, little brother! What happened to Kelly was an accident, for God's sake! You know that! And don't forget that you came within a half-inch or so of getting killed that night, too! As for Gabrielle, didn't you tell me that this Moffet guy, the one who built Airwolf, was crazy?"
"Yeah, I did tell you that, Sinj, but"—
"Oh, but me no buts, String, or I might just tell Caitlin to kick yours! If I didn't do it myself, that is! The man was crazy, you told me! And, you told me that he would stop at nothing to keep Airwolf! Heck, he tried to kill you and Dom, didn't he?"
"Yeah, he did." I still remembered waking up in a cold sweat for days after we recovered Airwolf, after I had a nightmare where I saw Moffet aiming his pistol at the refueling intake, and he was able to get off the shot that destroyed Airwolf and killed both Dom and me before I unleashed the first missile and killed him. And I stifled a laugh when Saint John said, 'I might just go tell Caitlin to kick yours'. She could do it, too, I thought, recalling the combat boot-shaped bruise I'd had on my chest for two weeks after Cait and Dom rescued me from John Bradford Horn. I know she could kick my butt, because she already has. And like she told that guy on the plane, she does know karate, and gives free samples. Then I heard Saint John saying something else.
"And not only that, String, but think about everything Cait's gone through since she came here lookin' for you. And every time, she's come out okay. Doesn't that tell you something?"
"Yeah, I guess it does, even though she wouldn't have gone through most of it if she didn't know me, or know about Airwolf. You know I always hated it when you were right, don'cha, Sinj?"
"Yeah, I know. So what are you gonna do about it?"
"I don't know, big brother," I said, turning Saint John's 'little brother' comment back on him. "I honestly don't know, and I hate feelin' like that."
"I know, little brother, and all I can do is try to help. But if you don't mind my sayin' so, you need to figure out what you're gonna do, quickly, or else I'm afraid Cait's gonna walk out of your life, permanently. And, I'd hate to see that happen, considering how much easier you are to get along with. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that Cait's a big part of the reason for that. Y'know what I mean?"
"Yeah, I do know," I said, surprised at how seriously the thought of Caitlin leaving frightened me. "I know exactly what you mean, Sinj, and if you want me to be perfectly honest, Cait walking out of my life is exactly I'm afraid of." And I mean that, I thought. As much as it scares me to love Cait, I've gotta admit that the thought of her leaving scares me even worse. I-I just can't bear the thought of my life without Cait, or knowing that Caitlin was with another man, when she could have been with me. I swore for a minute that I could almost hear Gunny Romie, my drill instructor in the Army. He'd be shouting, "Come on, 'Chicken Hawke!' Sound off like you've got a pair, and tell her how you feel!", or something like that. I stifled a smile as I pictured how Gunny Romie would have reacted in this situation, then I heard Saint John's voice again.
"Glad you can be honest, String, but I get the feelin' there's something more. So come on, give, already! Or, just like I said a minute ago, I'm gonna go find Cait and tell her to kick your ass all the way back to the cabin, little brother!"
He'd do it, too. And Cait would kick my ass all the way back to the cabin, if Sinj asked her to do it, especially if she's hurting as badly as Saint John says she is. But I know Sinj—he'd never lie to me, so Cait's got to be hurting like crazy right now, and I owe her an apology for that. "Okay, Sinj. You asked for it, but don't say I didn't warn you. Last night when I went to bed, I had made up my mind that I was going to tell Caitlin that I love her, and that I'm in love with her, today. But then, I –I had a nightmare of finding Cait unconscious and dying in my arms, just–just like what happened with Gabrielle. And that scared me, and made me realize that I can't tell her how I feel, or Cait'll end up dead like everybody else."
"Well, I don't see Cait bein' kidnapped by anybody like Moffet any time soon, little brother, so I doubt you've got anything to worry about."
"I hope like hell you're right, Sinj," I said as we got back to work.
Later that afternoon, Saint John said to me, "String, think about everything Cait's been through since you've known her—I mean, okay, Sawyer, I get—she never would've met him if she didn't know you, and didn't know about Airwolf. But, she could've been on that plane that got hijacked, even if she didn't know you and had left Texas to live somewhere else! And I don't think those guys who hit her sorority reunion a while back knew anything about you, or Airwolf!"
"Well, look at what happened with Holly," I shot back. "She went bonkers—at least, more bonkers than she already was—after she saw Cait and I kiss on that movie set. And the deal with Kevin and that other air service—we were the ones investigating them! And what about Villers?"
"What about him? Was he after Airwolf?"
"Well, no, not specifically; but he got close to Cait because he knew she was going to be flying Carter Anderson III to a meeting, and there was some kind of bounty on Anderson's head. I still remember how hurt Cait was when she found out Villers was flying the Corsair. Even though he'd tried to kill Cait, she was still sad, and hurt, that I had to kill him." I hid a smile when I remembered just how sad Caitlin had been, until the discussion we had that I punctuated with a variety of snippets I played on my cello, and how my denial that Airwolf, or I, had anything to do with getting rid of Villers, snapped her right out of her depression.
"You came to my rescue again, didn't you?"
"Y'know, we really like having you around," I said, "but it wasn't us."
I had to admit, I was expecting Caitlin to be upset that I'd denied being involved, especially since she heard my voice on the radio a couple of times, and I wasn't disappointed when she responded to me. "Now wait a minute! You wait just a minute! Do you mean that you're gonna sit there and tell me that I just imagined—well, that I didn't see—that there's no big, black helicopter? Now, can you do that?" she snapped.
I simply turned to Dom, smiled, and said, "I think she's feeling better!" before launching into the opening bars of "The 1812 Overture," even as Caitlin glared at me. Then I heard Saint John talking again, and pulled myself back into the conversation.
"Yeah, I guess I can understand that. The point I'm tryin' to make here, little brother, is that a lot of what's happened to Cait had absolutely nothing to do with you—and think about this—the times that she's been in trouble because she knew you, you and Dom have always had her back, haven't you?"
"That's true," I admitted, "but what if we let her down? I mean, even once, and she could wind up dead."
"Yeah, she could, but now, you've got me to help. Or at least, you will have me to help, if you ever get around to teaching me to fly that fancy bird of yours, like you said you were going to do."
"Now that Michael's told me we can keep Airwolf, and that the FIRM won't be trying to get her back as long as we keep flying her for them, you've got it," I said, smiling at my older brother.
"I'm looking forward to it," he said, then we went back into the hangar to shut things down so I could go home.
That night when I went home, I stayed up a lot later than I probably should have, trying to sort my emotions out. Finally, I figured out what I needed. A little solo time in the Lady. That'll help. Of course, Dom won't be happy. Come to think of it, Cait won't be happy either, but I need some time alone to think about everything, I thought as I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
