Genesis 34
Despite their desires, the super family still lived among and worked with dirty Canaanites. The curse of earth magician Noah meant that every Canaanite was only good dead or enslaved. Some, however, like Shechem, prince of the Hivites, railed against their nature.
Shechem was a soft spoken poet, taken to wild ruminations on the nature of happiness. He inspired everyone he met. That is how he seduced and enticed his one true love, Dinah. When they slept together, he whispered poetry in her ears.
But Dinah was Jacob's daughter.
When Shechem's father came to Jacob to propose marriage between the lovebirds he was swiftly rebuked. "Perhaps I'll marry my daughters to dogs next?"
"Please, sir, reconsider. These two are madly in love in spite of all that is against them. If I could unsway them I would, in an instant. Young love is more stubborn than old tradition. Even tradition backed up by earth magic curses. Our people can live together in peace, we can talk, we can party, we can intermarry, and even old farts like us might learn to like it." He wisely left out what his family stood to gain by marrying into Jacob's vast fortune.
Jacob was reminded of his own foolish acts in the name of love and was almost convinced, but his sons were resolute. They rallied against it. "You want our sister to marry an uncircumcised man? A Canaanite no less? We'd sooner have Shechem's throat."
They gathered to brainstorm and came up with a devious and cruel plan. They said to Shechem's family, "if you and all the Hivites, everyone in the city, get circumcised, then you may marry Dinah."
Shechem's father agreed (though when they explained circumcision it took some time to convince him they weren't joking.) He and Shechem stood at the gates of their city and stopped every man going and out. "Excuse me sir, this is your king speaking. I only need a minute of your time... I command you to pull down your pants."
While the men were recovering, drying their tears and clutching their sore genitals. Jacob's sons struck. The bravest brother, Levi, led the charge. With armed slaves in tow he killed every male that lived in the city. Once done, he took a fortune in loot, camels, sheep, gems and the other usual stuff, but he also took the left over women. "That'll teach them."
Jacob was horrified. "What now!? How could you, Levi? Look at the trouble you have you caused!"
The sons were united. "Did you want your daughter to be a whore?"
So it was that Dinah was saved.
Genesis 35
Thinking this would spark a war, Jacob felt it prudent to lay low. He took his family and journeyed to the spot where he had seen strange visions from Supergod.
Jacob had no reason to fear. No cities were crazy enough to go against the super family.
Deciding to strengthen his bond with Supergod (which was a bit tense, after the whole face kicking thing), Jacob ordered all his people to give up their worldly goods that distracted them from providing quality meats. "Come on, you no good ingrates, I want to see all those ornaments of questionable women buried!"
He then ordered all strange magical talismans and arcane idols not in the image of the Boss to be thrown out as well. "These magics may do you good, but the Boss has all the magic we'll ever need!"
The chosen family was not immune to these consequences. Rebekah, Jacob's mother, was stripped of her wedding gifts, the golden nose rings and bracelets that were her last reminders of gentle Isaac.
Rachel, Jacob's wife, debated giving up her father's idols. She went to her hiding place, where she stashed all her stolen goods. But upon opening her chest with the old key disguised as an earring, she saw only dust and heard the faint cry of a starving wolf. The drumming in the back of Rachel's skull had finally ceased for the first time since she laid hands on the evil statue.
She would die soon after.
Jacob poured his best wine and olive oil to mark the spot. "Supergod, remember please. I know we've had our differences and I know my sons cause trouble, but remember the destiny You set out for us."
Before passing, Rachel gave birth to her final son. This was the final fulfillment of her expected duty as a wife. On her death bed she touched the soon to be motherless baby and held back her tears. "I'll call you Benomi, which means 'Son of My Pain.'"
Overcome with grief, Jacob could not call the last son of his most beloved wife Benomi. So he named him Benjamin, which means "Son of My Love."
Such touching moments were not to last. Jacob's horniest son, Reuben the master herbalist, took advantage of Rachel's absence. He slept with her handmaiden, the mother of many of his brothers.
Jacob's disgust and shame in his sons increased.
Genesis 36
Compared to his brother, Esau lived an unimportant but easy life. He left Jacob to deal with the super mission. He and his three Canaanite brides sired many a great nation.
Red heads have all the fun.
Genesis 37
Jacob could not stop obsessing about the crap his sons pulled. He raved to everyone who would listen. Every day fewer and fewer would stop by his tent.
Thankfully, Jacob has one respite: his favorite son, Joseph. "You're the only good one out of the lot of them, I swear. The only one with some damn respect!"
The super brothers hated Joseph.
Unfortunately Supergod, too, favored Joseph. One night He sent a vision. Joseph dreamed he and his eleven brothers were all carrying bundles of wheat. "Just like we used to do as children, pretending to help the slaves," he thought. He was taken aback by a strange rumbling. The wheat was convulsing! Bulges appeared and traveled all along the wheat. Suddenly, strange green goo spurted out and two long muscular legs emerged from the bundle! The wheat walked in a strange crab-like shuffle. Slowly it raised itself up, looking as smug as legged wheat could look. Joseph heard a commotion and looked around. His brothers' bundles were similarly transformed! They began a terrifying slow dance, congregating in a circle about Joseph and his own bundle, which still stood tall. To the beat of distant drums, the brothers' wheat bowed seven times. Joseph told everyone of this nifty vision.
The super brothers hated Joseph even more.
Jacob was also distraught. "I had thought Supergod's focus would be split among all my sons. Does this mean His favor lies with you? It is no easy task being chosen. I fear for you, son." He was never again able to speak with his favored son without venting his worries. Joseph began to avoid him like everyone else. Alone for most of the day, Jacob took to knitting and made Joseph a fantastic sweater, weaved with gold and fancy fabrics. On the front were two words, each letter a different color: "Daddy's Boy."
The super brothers plotted murder.
They debated their plans in corners of dark taverns and in the middle of corn fields at the dead of night. "Let's get this sucker. We'll murder 'Daddy's Boy' and blame it on wolves!"
But one of the brothers had a gentle heart and was more merciful than the others. It was Reuben, the sexual conquistador and master herbalist. "Let's not kill him, please! Let's throw him into a pit instead! He'll be at our mercy."
Joseph was led by his brothers, stripped of his sweater, and cast into a deep pit. Unbeknownst to Joseph, gentle Reuben had a plan to save him. "Don't worry, little bro," he thought to himself, "I'll come back later when they've all gone and rescue you!"
With cosmic bad timing, a caravan heading to Egypt appeared over the horizon. Judah, one of the brothers who was obsessed with wealth and power, practically drooled onto his boots. "I have a plan!" he shouted. "Let's sell this chump to that caravan. I bet we can make twenty silver, easy! Just let me do the talking!"
This time Reuben couldn't convince them otherwise. That is how Joseph became a slave in Egypt.
Together the boys splattered goat blood all over Joseph's sweater.
"Make it look real!" "Hey!" "You're doing it wrong!" "Give it here!" "Fuck." "Not so much, not so much!" "Idiot, we'll need another goat at this rate." "Stop!" "Are you afraid of blood, sissy?" "Ouch!"
Eleven brothers and one task is quite a sight.
They took the bloodied coat to Jacob, who tore off his clothes and wore only underwear from then on. "My son is dead, my son is dead, my son is dead!"
No one could shut him up.
Genesis 38
Judah used his share of the silver to deck himself out with a radical walking stick and a large ring he kept on a cord over his neck. He figured it was time he went out to make it on his own. "I'm sick of living in Jacob's shadow!"
So Judah set out. He took a sexy Canaanite wife and birthed three sons.
When they grew up, Judah happily went to work finding a wife for his eldest. "Once I get the Boss off my back about siring nations, the fun times will never end."
Tamar was a perfect choice, Judah judged, being from an influential family and not too bad to look at. She was quickly married to Jacob's eldest. Tamar was happy to finally marry. There wasn't much else for women to do.
But her new husband would often disappear for days. He would return covered in dust, each time with a strange new song that he would whisper in his bed. "Does he ever sleep?" thought Tamar. One day she caught him staring into a fire without blinking, trying to communicate with gods not seen since man first marked time. He was evil and The Amazing Supergod killed him by sending vengeful ghosts.
So Judah said to his middle son, "you'll have to marry Tamar. You'll sleep with her and have a child in your elder brother's place." But this son was pissed at the idea of having a child that would belong to his brother! So whenever he slept with Tamar, he would spill his seed on the ground. Supergod killed him for failing his duty by using an easy incantation that summoned a swarm of vampire bats.
Tamar's life was not turning out as she had dreamed. "This is the second time I've cleaned my husband's guts off the floor!"
Judah worried for his youngest. He blamed Tamar for the death of the other two. "She must be a witch or some other kind of spellcaster. Something nasty like a demonologist!" Luckily the surviving son was too young to marry, so Judah ordered Tamar to return to her father for now, and he put the problem out of his mind. "Time to get back to the good life!" he said, twirling his rad cane.
Years passed and Judah's son was of marrying age. Tamar was hopeful. "Third time's the charm, I feel it in my bones," she said, referring to the old wives' tale of sympathetic female magic. But years more passed and Tamar heard nothing from Judah! Angry and clever, Tamar began to plot. She dressed herself up like a common harlot and covered her face with a veil. Disguise ready, she waited for Judah to pass her by.
"Wow!" said Judah. "How much for you?"
She smiled enticingly. "How about a goat?"
"No problem, but are you sure you don't want to cut me a deal? I promise I'm as good as I look." Judah often projected his own lust onto the tired faces of prostitutes.
"No deals," said Tamar, "and I'm going to need collateral, too."
"Collateral? But I'm Judah, one of the chosen, you know... Judah," he said, gesturing at his stick and sweet necklace.
"Never heard of him, but those will do fine. Give me your cane and necklace and I'll return them when I get my goat."
Eager for sex, Judah agreed and followed Tamar into her tent.
Judah returned the next day with a goat but the girl was nowhere to be seen! He asked around but the locals said there were no prostitutes working that street! "Whatever..." he said, masking his pain. "I have plenty of other cool accessories at home..."
Months later Judah learned startling news. "Your daughter-in-law, Tamar, she's gotten pregnant by selling herself like a you-know-what!" Judah couldn't believe she would do this to him. "Burn that bitch! You hear me, we will burn her alive!"
But when the town had gathered the wood and the whore, eager for spectacle, they were unnerved by how calm Tamar seemed. She cried out, "look here! I have the rad cane and sweet necklace of the one who got me pregnant. As everyone knows they belong to my father-in-law Judah himself!"
Suitably shamed, Judah was forced to call off the planned whore-burning festivities. Tamar cackled with glee. "I have lowered his standing and I now have a child like I always wanted!" She patted her belly lovingly.
As it turns out, Tamar had two children—she gave birth to twins! While giving birth, one child stuck his hand out of her vagina. The midwife quickly tied red ribbon around it, so as to mark him as firstborn. But then he stuck his hand back in! The other non-marked child was the actual firstborn!
That is why the eldest was named Perez, which means "Ultimate Winner."
And the red ribbon-wearing youngest was named Zerah, which means "Too Slow, Sucker."
Genesis 39
We return to our captive hero. How will he escape his fate?
Joseph's Egyptian master grew to favor him with an uncommon zeal for a master to a slave. It turns out Joseph was unlocking hidden magical forces within him that were placed there by the Boss. Joseph was adept in emotional magics. He walked with an aura that made everyone near him fall in love. Joseph fed off their feelings, growing stronger. He was an emotional vampire, and he had no control.
But a well-liked slave is still a slave.
One day Joseph was found running without a shirt. The master's wife told a frightful tale. "He attacked me! He was wearing no shirt. I managed to call for help and he ran away." Joseph told a very different story. "Your wife is mad! She attacked me! Ripped my shirt right off! You know me, I'm a good guy."
The authorities nodded at this. "He is a good guy."
They discussed the common laws for dealing with such unfortunate incidents.
"Should he pay a reasonable fee to the husband?"
"He's a slave."
"Ah. Then perhaps a few days in prison?"
But the wife was not having it. "Oh, a few days! Why so cruel? Give him a new shirt and a hug while you're at it."
"We can't go around punishing all our slaves on hearsay. It just doesn't work that way." They listened to the wife's biting sarcasm for a couple more minutes before continuing, "this is all getting out of hand and taking far too long. Why don't we ask Joseph what he thinks."
Joseph decided he might enjoy prison more than slavery, so he asked for a couple years.
He was completely misinformed about the state of Egyptian prisons.
Genesis 40
Joseph shared a cramped cell with the Pharaoh's butler and his cook. The butler had been caught masturbating to an idol of the mother-goddess when he should have been ironing. As for the cook, he merely had a horrible personality.
Attracted by his aura, they confided in Joseph as if he was a close friend. The butler spoke, "I... had a strange dream last night, you know? It really just, I don't know, would you care to listen?"
Joseph nodded.
"Well you see, I—" his faced turned beet red. "I dreamed of a beautiful woman, you see, and—she had full grapes and they leaked wine and—and I fed it to our beloved Pharaoh! What does it mean, what does it mean?"
Joseph was unworldly and did not know what to say, but The Amazing Supergod whispered to him causing his eardrums to bleed. "Why do you humans care about such stupid stuff, always moping and whining? What does any of it matter?"
"Where have you been, Boss?"
"Don't question me! But since I'm merciful I'll tell you. I've been training. I've got some new divination charms worth trying out, and I've almost managed to open My fourth eye. Do you even begin to understand what I'm saying? Of course not. But hold on! This gives Me a spectacular idea! I'll tell you his future and you can 'interpret' his dreams! I'm thinking if you are known for such power we can get you out of here, no problem."
Joseph relayed what Supergod told him, trying not to throw up, for the presence of Supergod was frightening. "Boss says you'll be released in three days. You're loved out there, almost as much as me. They can't do without their butler."
The butler smiled and wiped tears from his eyes.
The cook laughed and coughed up yellow bile. "If this pervert is so blessed then what about me, huh? I had a dream, too. I was carrying bread on my head and, uh, I think I saw a bird?"
Joseph responded with Supergod's words. "Oh dear—uh—you will die. The king has planned to kill you on, um, on his birthday? He's going to stick your head on a pole as part of the festivities and, uh... okay... birds will eat your eyeballs and... do I really have to say it? Okay, okay! Everyone hates you and no one will miss you."
It was hard to believe but it all happened just as Joseph said!
While the butler was leaving the cell Joseph cried out, "don't forget me please, I'm begging you ! I was sold into captivity falsely. I'm from a rich family! Please tell our beloved Pharaoh the truth!"
The butler shook his head sadly. All the criminals spun such tall tales.
Genesis 41
Two years passed. Joseph grew thin and weak, wasting away in jail. Even his aura dimmed, so that only dimwits were enthralled.
Feeling impatient, The Amazing Supergod gave the Pharaoh terrible nightmares. The ruler of Egypt sought out his best demonologists, warlocks and wizards. From the Nine Schools of the Nile, they came. But none could explain to the king what his dreams meant. Excuses of all sorts were made.
"I'm just a modest watermancer, my lord. If perhaps my lord desired water-based party tricks?"
"It doesn't really work that way. I can only understand the dreams of dwarfs on the third night of winter."
"I'm a little busy fighting dragons but, you know... I'm sure I'll get to your nightmares when I can. I'll be in touch, okay?"
"I simply don't waste my time on the practical arts of magic when so much theory remains to be discovered."
The Pharaoh was not happy. "Bah! Fools, all of you! It must mean something! I see skinny cows eating fat cows and grain roasted by hot eastern wind! Someone must know the answer."
His trusted butler spoke up. "Beloved Pharaoh, I have a solution."
So it was that Joseph said to the Pharaoh, "this country is in trouble! For seven years the whole world will be endowed by Supergod with great harvests. Everyone will grow fat and happy. But seven years after that, the world will be struck with Supergod's devastating famine, and you'll all starve!"
"Such wondrous harvest spellcraft, unbelievable! What do we do, wise one?" Joseph's aura was back in full effect and the Pharaoh could not stop gaping.
"You must put someone in charge, someone who will ensure enough food is stored during the fat years. Then you'll be prepared during the famine and come out on top of other foolish nations!"
"Ha, yes! Wonderful! But who will be in charge... Who could... Of course! You, Joseph." The aura was so strong, the Pharaoh nearly caught on fire. "You will be governor of Egypt, second only to me!"
Everyone in the palace was ecstatic, drunk on aura. That's how an unknown slave seized power.
Joseph was given gems and jewels, fine clothes and even, as per his request, a sweater to rival the one he had lost. On the front studded diamonds read, "Pharaoh's Boy."
During the seven years of plenty, Joseph took a gorgeous wife and raised a family, all the while making sure grain was stored for the future. When he wasn't working he loved to ride his chariot through town and shout, "get out of the way, the governor's coming through!"
When the seven years of starvation started, all the peoples of the world had to come to beg Joseph for grain.
Well, that's not true. They could always choose to starve.
Genesis 42
Joseph was fully decked out in splendor, with all the wealth of Egypt behind him, when his brothers came to ask for food. They didn't even recognize him!
"But where is Benjamin, 'Son of My Love,' my youngest brother?" thought Joseph. "They must have left him behind, fearing he wasn't old enough for a trip to Egypt."
This complicated Joseph's plans for a satisfying comeuppance so he needed to change tact.
"Spies!" he cried. "These ten here, they are all Canaanite spies! Seize them!"
"Does he mean us?" "Who's he calling Canaanite?" "Why are those guards looking so angry?" "Run, you idiots!" "It can't be us, relax." "I'm out!" "Coward." "I knew I shouldn't have married a Canaanite! Maybe she's the spy!" "I'm freaking out, guys!" "Hey, any of you notice there's some kind of commotion going on?"
They were easily captured.
Joseph questioned them intensively, asking many personal questions. "Please, we only come to beg for food. We are ten of the eleven sons of Jacob, the famous rich man who communes with a powerful god!"
"Ha, that is easy to prove. I'll hold onto one of you dirty Canaanite spies while you go bring back your supposed 'brother!'"
Joseph had Levi the butcher tied up and thrown in jail, the very cell Joseph had once called home. Then he sent the rest home with grain. Secretly he also returned the money they had paid, telling his slaves to hide it at the bottom of their sacks. "I won't steal from my father," he thought.
When the sons returned to their father Jacob and realized they still had their money, they were mightily confused. Jacob demanded to know what the hell had gone on! They told him the story and he turned ghost white. "I won't let you take Benjamin, he looks so much like his mother! I've lost enough, haven't I?"
Genesis 43
The grain they had brought back from Egypt wouldn't last long. They'd soon be hungry again. Gentle and raunchy Reuben, master herbalist, tried to convince his father first. "Dad, listen, if Benjamin doesn't return from this trip then I swear I'll kill my own two sons with my own hands!"
"You slept with my lover, you ungrateful little shit. I'm not surprised you'd make such an insane suggestion. Get out of my sight!"
So Judah tried next. "Listen, pops, it has to be done, okay? I know what it's like to lose a son, I've lost two already... We'll all lose more if you don't let him go."
Jacob was convinced but was doting incessantly. "Take extra money, enough to make up for what was accidentally placed in our bags, oh and take those nice walnuts and pistachios. Make sure you bribe this crazy governor well!"
The brothers returned to Egypt and were surprised to find themselves treated cordially. They were invited to dinner with the Governor. Levi was even released from jail to join. They were terrified, thinking themselves trapped. "Please, sir, it sounds absurd but last time we tried to pay.. we found the money in our sacks. Forgive us, we have brought double."
But the governor had a twinkle in his eye. "Must have been that god you worship using alchemist potions or something because I have every cent of what you paid me!"
The brothers were astounded. "Why didn't Supergod tell us?"
Joseph turned to the youngest, Benjamin. "You... you are so beautiful, so young, you can't be blamed if you joined your brothers in sin... Excuse me, I must go—go to the washroom." And he got up. The brothers waited awkwardly, pretending they couldn't hear the governor crying in the other room.
They had as good a time as they could, given the odd circumstances.
Genesis 44
Joseph took one of his most prized talismans, a magical silver chalice crafted by a powerful divination expert who lived in the mountains. The cup allowed him to see faint impressions of the future, but at the cost of never being able to affect what was seen. Joseph took this precious cup and told his slaves to put it in Benjamin's sack of grain.
As the brothers were about to leave, the governor had them seized. "Stop, thief! One of you has stolen my chalice of divination. You will rue the day!"
The brothers were flabbergasted. "Search us if you must!" They were even more surprised when the cup was found in Benjamin's bag.
"He will have to stay here! He will be, uh... my slave," said the governor, with an odd smile on his face.
The brothers tore their clothes in anguish. Judah spoke up. "Please man, listen. This is nuts. Listen, I know you're like the big shot around here but please understand, my father, he... he's lost a lot. Benjamin is the last son of his favorite wife, and the other... the other was eaten by wolves, and honestly sir, if we return without Benjamin, I don't think the old man will make it!"
Genesis 45
Joseph burst into tears and had to tell his slaves to get lost. He confessed everything. "But I forgive you guys, I do. Listen, it's all worked out. I'm the only one who prepared for Supergod's famine. I've got all the best clothes and everything else we'll ever need. Come, go get dad over here. Forget living like kings in Canaan. We can live like gods in Egypt!"
The magical aura and the promises of riches caused every other man to burst into tears. Much hugging was done, and the family was for once made whole. "We shouldn't fight. We are better together! The super family must stick together."
Genesis 46
When Jacob heard the news he was especially touched. "I'll go see Joseph in Egypt and then I'll die a happy man."
Jacob traveled to Egypt, enduring the usual nightmare visions. He wasn't deterred, and rested as little as possible, eager to see his beloved son.
Words cannot describe the joy he felt. He felt his soul was complete again.
Genesis 47
Joseph took his brothers to see the Pharaoh and told them his game plan. "Tell them you're prodigious shepherds, blessed with Nature Sense like our father. The Egyptians hate shepherds. They think its womanly work, so they are in desperate need of qualified hands. He'll give you great land for this."
So it was that Joseph set up the super family well.
The famine was still raging and Joseph was raking it in. Soon everyone in Egypt was dirt poor. "Please, Joseph," they whined, "you have all our money. Please give us some more food."
"No money, no food, although... I could use some animals."
Sheep, goats, donkeys, horses, camels—people brought it all, desperate for Joseph's grain. He ended up with the largest collection of farm animals ever assembled. "And to think it's all legal!" gloated the governor.
When they ran out of animals he told them to give up all their land rights. All land now belonged to the Pharaoh. All men were virtually his slaves and they thanked Joseph for the opportunity.
Only the magic users were able to maintain some semblance of dignity. "You might be a great wizard, governor, but you are only one man! The Pharaoh will always be in need of our forbidden knowledge. We will not be slaves!"
But everyone else now had to give a fifth of their produce to the state. Jacob was unnerved by this development, especially when his beloved brought it about. He said to Joseph, "please don't let me be buried here... This place creeps me out."
Joseph put his hand under his father's thigh, near the testicles, and swore he would do so. "Would 'Daddy's Boy' ever let you down?"
Genesis 48
Jacob was dying, and asked to see Joseph's children. "To think I thought my favorite son dead and now I see his own kids! I love them, even if they did spring from an Egyptian bitch."
Joseph prepared his children to receive a blessing, putting his older on the right hand side and his younger on the left. Everyone knew the right hand was better for pre-death blessings than the left.
But Jacob crossed his arms! He put his left hand on the elder and his right hand on the younger!
"Why did you do this? Are you senile?"
"Don't speak down to me, boy," said Jacob, his voice sounding like the grating of knives. "I have seen many things on my death bed and this I know. Your elder is not so bad. He will sire a great nation. But your youngest, oh my! He will sire multiple great nations! He deserves the better blessing!"
Joseph could only bite his tongue and take it. Blessings didn't really matter much anyway.
Genesis 49
Close to death, Jacob could see into the unseen cracks and was spilling over with raw magic. He began floating, and his head turned around and around on his neck! "Come forward, my twelve sons, and listen to my last words! You will each sire a great nation within a great nation... A tribe. The twelve super tribes of the super nation of Israel!"
One by one he called his children forward and spoke his piece.
"Reuben, though you are gentle and though you are a master herbalist, you are a disgusting bastard. You slept with my concubine and I'll never forget, even after death!"
"Levi you are a butcher. I'll never forget how you led the charge against the town of the poet Schechem, prince of the Hivites. You and yours are cursed!"
"Simeon, don't shy away from my gaze, I know you were right behind Levi! Curse you, too."
"Judah, you are an accomplished man, rich and not afraid to show it. You'll do all right for yourself, my boy."
"Zebulun... Ah... Zebulun, you are a great sailor indeed."
"Issachar, my one and only Issachar, you... try not to give into sloth, okay? I don't want you ending up a bum."
"And, let's see... Dan! Dan, where are you? You're always judging others. Perhaps tone it down a bit."
"Gad... Yes... Keep up the soldiering, boy."
"And then of course, let's not forget Asher. You'll always find your way to dainty luxuries, I have no doubt."
"Joseph! Oh Joseph, my beloved, you warm my heart even in these dark times. You are Supergod's chosen among the chosen, a terrible burden, but I know you'll bear well. I can trust you to look after the rest of your brothers. I can die in peace thanks to you."
"Naptali... um, I love you, too."
"Benjamin... my youngest... there is so much to learn. The world is harsh, especially for us. You have made mistakes but know that so did I, so did we all. Trust your heart, your mother's heart. It'll steer you right in the end."
Jacob convulsed and an astral form drifted away from his cold body.
Genesis 50
The death was met with a decree for seventy days of mourning in Egypt. Joseph made sure that even the highest officials in the palace paid their respects.
His brothers, meanwhile, were fearful that Joseph might still harbor ill will. They gathered around him and bowed down. "We are slaves to the great dream interpreter!"
Joseph cried and got them to stand up. "It all worked out in the end, fools. I told you. It all worked out in the end."
Watching over these events, hundreds of miles away, an old woman smiled. "They will become slaves, I will make sure of it. Let's see Supergod deal with that!"
She was not the only eavesdropper. Satan too listened in. He was not smiling. "Are the rumors true? He has opened his fourth eye?" A fat demon covered in bile and vomit responded to Satan's query. "Yes, master."
"This cannot end well." Satan closed his eyes, focusing inward. "Leave me. Give me some peace for a century or two. I must think. This is no time for rash judgments."
When Joseph died he was mummified so that his body could one day be taken out of Egypt. His mummy still leaks a terrifying aura of attraction to this day, leading many to seek its location. They waste away decades of their lives, never satisfying the desire that they can't put into words.
