Baby Talk
"I do not understand the necessity of this shower. Should not the child be bathed after birth as opposed to before?"
They were standing in front of a little computer terminal at the guest services counter of Baby World. Teal'c, Colonel O'Neill, and Daniel had driven together in Jack's big Super Duty. Sam, held up on base with a misbehaving doohickey, had promised to be along as soon as she could.
"It's not a shower in the traditional sense, Teal'c. On Earth, a baby shower is a party meant to celebrate the impending birth of a child, and provide an opportunity for friends and family to bring gifts that will ease the way for the new parents." Daniel pulled the sliding drawer out from under the little terminal, posing his fingers over the keyboard.
"I still do not understand the purpose of bathing the parents in such a public forum. Can they not do this act for themselves while in private?"
"No, T—shower them with gifts." Jack lifted his hands to eye level and then brought them down, fingers wiggling as they descended. "Dropping presents on them—like it's raining."
"Would this not be painful?"
"It's figurative, T."
"What's Siler's first name again?" Daniel's question was met with silence and blank stares.
Finally the Colonel cleared his throat. "Uh—Sergeant?"
Daniel screwed up his face and shook his head. "I don't think so. Dan? Walter?"
"No, Walter's the little bald guy with the buttons." Jack knew that one.
"Buttons?"
"Yeah." Jack pushed imaginary buttons on an imaginary desk in front of him. "Buttons."
"Oh." Daniel nodded. "That Walter."
"So, Siler. First name—Bob?"
"Fred?"
"Larry?"
"Clumsy." Teal'c's submission was given in thoughtful sincerity. "Perhaps he is named for his most obvious trait. As are the Smurfs."
Daniel snorted. He turned back to the keyboard and tabbed through "Father's First Name" and entered "Siler" in the "Last Name" field. The computer thought for a moment and then spit out two possible candidates. "Uh—Brandon, or Francis?"
"On the list for 'Father's Name' there's a Francis?" The Colonel peered over Daniel's shoulder to look at the monitor. "Poor guy—did his parents not like him or something?"
"It says here that Brandon Siler is expecting two boys." Daniel pointed with his index finger. "Is our Siler's wife having twins?"
"I do not believe so." Teal'c reached into the breast pocket of his Hawaiian shirt for the invitation. They'd each gotten one, but only Teal'c had remembered to bring his. Unfortunately, the announcement only said, "The Silers are on Stork Watch!" and featured a little paper cut-out of a bird carrying a bundle in its bill. The stork was glued on with some kind of adhesive that made it stick out. Below the bird were listed the place and time of the party, and a list of stores where the Silers were registered.
Apparently, Karen from Accounting, who had made and distributed the invitations, had figured that everyone on base knew the Silers' first names.
She'd figured wrong.
"So Siler's first name is Francis?" Jack looked appalled. "I can understand why he's procreating. Just to show the world he can."
"It's not that bad." Daniel clicked the "print list" button and closed out of the registry. "I knew a guy once named 'Beverly'."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Daniel waited, his hand poised over the printer, for the list to spit out. "He was on my doctoral review board."
"So, he was ninety."
"No—" Daniel thought about it briefly. "Late seventies, probably."
"Well, it was more common back then—giving boys girls' names." Jack pointed out.
"Just because the name is associated with a girl now doesn't mean it was a hundred years ago. Today, girls are named 'Ashley' all the time, but back at the turn of the century, it was a man's name."
"And then, of course, there's Airplane."
Daniel turned to stare at Jack. "Airplane? I've never heard of anyone named that, male or female."
"No, Daniel. Airplane. The movie. Where the one guy says, 'Surely you're not serious?' And then the other guy says, 'I am serious and don't call me Shirley'." He'd acted out the voices, but Daniel still didn't show even a hint of recognition. Jack kept trying. "Leslie Nielson—the nuns talking Jive—the lady with the big—" He lifted his hands in front of his chest, cupping them as if holding two massive melons.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Daniel shook his head, his eyes narrowed.
"Boobs—these are supposed to be boobs." Jack reemphasized his hands.
"Yes, I know that, Jack, but I still have no idea what you're talking about."
Jack looked around before stepping closer to the archaeologist. "Women have them—they're kinda cool. You oughta check them out some time."
Daniel didn't grace that with an answer. He just rolled his eyes and held up the papers he'd liberated from the printer. "We have the registry list now. We told Sam we'd narrow it down before she got here."
"So, lead on, Danny. Narrow away."
"Why me?"
"Because you're the one with the list."
Daniel reached over and shoved it into Jack's hands. "Now you have the list."
"I don't want the list."
"Neither do I."
"I don't know anything about modern baby stuff."
"Neither do I."
"Hey—you're way more of a girl than I am." Jack held the list back out to Daniel.
Teal'c reached between the two other men and grasped the registry list. "I believe we will accomplish more if I am to consult this listing of possible gifts."
Chastised, Daniel and Jack trailed Teal'c as he headed out into the store.
Baby World lay before them—a huge warehouse for infantile needs. In the center of the store, separated by false walls, various sets of furniture intended for nurseries had been arranged in virtual rooms. On the back wall, under a sign saying, "Layettes" were recessed cubbies with an organized rainbow of color-coordinated crib bedding. To their right, row after row of shelving units carried hundreds of items in various forms of packaging. The cabinets were repeated on the left hand side of the store, only these were bigger—displaying dozens of varieties of chairs, strollers, and things that looked like little open-topped mesh cages.
The three men stared at the enormous store as if it were personally out to devour them.
Daniel spoke for them all. "Holy Buckets."
Jack gestured wildly to the Bacchanalia of Babydom. "What the hell is all this stuff?"
"Baby crap."
"No." The Colonel pointed at the massive display of diapers. "Those are for the baby crap. What's the rest of this stuff for?"
Daniel took a half step behind Jack, as if they had just stumbled upon an enemy contingent of Jaffa. "This place kind of freaks me out."
The Colonel nodded. He spoke in a loud whisper. "It's like the estrogen is alive."
Daniel swallowed and turned to look at the Jaffa accompanying them. "Hey, Teal'c—what's on the list?"
"I believe that most of these items have already been purchased by other people." Teal'c held the list out towards the other two men at arm's length. "The items that have not been purchased appear to be printed in black ink, while the items that have been purchased are highlighted in red."
"Okay, then." The Colonel made a decision. "Read off a few of the black ink items."
"The Happy Baby Wipie Warmer."
"Possible. Next."
"Cotton Fields Reusable Breast Pads."
"Awkward. Next."
"Mommy's Friend Electric Breast Pump."
"Not a chance in hell. Next."
Teal'c flipped to the next sheet and looked up. "There are no more black ink items. The rest of the gifts on the list have previously been purchased by other people."
"So that leaves us with the Wipie Warmer." The Colonel punctuated with a finger. "Because I'm not buying that other stuff."
"The Happy Baby Wipie Warmer may be found on aisle 6-B." Teal'c consulted the list.
Daniel turned around until he found the correct aisle. "Over there." He pointed. "Shall we?"
They set off warily, but with purpose.
Aisle 6-B seemed to be filled with everything in the universe related to changing diapers. There were organizational units for changing tables, disposable diapers, cloth diapers, diaper covers, wipies, diaper disposal contraptions, diaper rash ointments, powders, and changing pads. They passed changing pad covers, sheets, diaper changing table activity centers, and safety belts. High above their heads loomed stacks of economy sized wipie boxes and jumbo packs of diapers.
But the spot marked for the Happy Baby Wipie Warmer sat. Conspicuously empty.
"Ah, crap." The Colonel bent down to look way at the back of the shelf—just to make sure.
"I think they're sold out of that." Daniel, yet again, stating the obvious.
"Ya think?"
"Perhaps we could purchase one of the other items on this list." Teal'c suggested.
"You mean the boob stuff? Absolutely not. To get on that kind of level with Siler, we'd have to buy him dinner first." Jack breathed out sharply. "Crap."
But Teal'c was intrigued. "What precisely is the intended use of a Mommy's Friend Electric Breast Pump?"
"It's for mothers who are nursing—" Daniel began.
"Many women are involved in the medical profession."
"No—nursing—breast feeding their babies."
"Do not all women of the Tau'ri suckle their children at their breasts?"
"Many do—many don't. It depends on their situation with work and stuff. But women who work will still sometimes choose to pump milk out and into bottles to be used when they can't be there to nurse the baby."
"Much like with cows."
"Uh—Yeah. I suppose." Daniel shoved his glasses up higher on his nose. "It just allows women greater mobility right after having given birth."
"It would seem to me that simply taking the baby with them would be a more reasonable solution."
"That's not always possible, Teal'c."
"I see, Daniel Jackson." He clearly did not.
The Colonel waved an exasperated hand at the empty Wipie Warmer shelf. "That still doesn't solve our problem. We still don't have a gift."
"And you're nixing the pump and the pads."
"Damn straight I'm nixing."
"Well, I don't know what else to give them."
"Carter will be here soon." O'Neill gestured with his hands. "We gotta have something by then."
"Okay, then. What else could we give them?" Daniel stared up at the ceiling—as if looking for inspiration.
"Perhaps the child of Sergeant Siler would be benefitted by receiving his first weapon." Teal'c posited. "The offspring of a warrior should possess the implements of his father's trade."
"You can't give a baby a gun, Teal'c." Daniel shook his head.
"Unless you live in Arkansas." The Colonel added.
"But it's Siler." Daniel suddenly grinned. "So, what would a baby Siler need?"
Jack returned the smile. "Ya think?"
Daniel nodded. "I think."
----OOOOOOO----
Twenty minutes later, Sam parked her car next to the Super Duty in the Baby World parking lot. She stepped out and approached the rest of her team, who were leaning against the truck.
"I thought you'd still be in there." She stopped in front of them. "Did you guys find anything?"
"Oh yes." The Colonel reached into the bed of the truck and withdrew a gift bag. Dangling it by the string handles, he handed it to her.
She took it gingerly. "Something from the registry, I hope, sir?"
"Nope." He looked triumphantly at Daniel and Teal'c. "Better."
"Better." She hefted the weight of the bag, then looked at it suspiciously. "It's heavy."
"It's perfect." Daniel offered.
The Colonel pointed to it proudly. "We wrapped it ourselves."
"I added the bow." Teal'c inclined his head.
"It looks great." She held it up and carefully moved aside some of the wadded up tissue in the top of the gift bag. Cautiously, she peered inside the bag and let out a hearty laugh. "You're right, guys, that is perfect!"
----OOOOOOO----
And later, when the party was over, Mrs. Francis Siler sat amidst a mountain of gifts. There were bags of diapers, boxes of wipes, and piles of onesies and sleepers. The ladies in Accounting had chipped in for a stroller, and Human Resources had all contributed for a battery operated swing and bouncer set. She had a funky little chair called a Bumbo, a high chair, and a portable crib. Baskets had been filled with bathing supplies and tied up with cellophane and ribbons. She could have painted the Eiffel Tower with the amount of diaper rash ointment she'd received.
But the gift that had made her laugh had been from Colonel O'Neill and his team.
She'd accepted the bag and dug through the tissue to find the perfect gift for a baby Siler.
SG-1 had given her the biggest, baddest First Aid Kit ever.
