Dante's day started with a swift kick on his desk jerking him awake.
"I'm up, I'm up!", He said as he sat up to see an irritated but unsurprised Lady standing over him. She had clearly just gotten in, as she was in a red full body leather biker suit, with a helmet tucked under her arm.
"Morrison passed along a job. You're coming with. Get ready."
Dante reached over and grabbed his sword. "Ready."
"Get your case. And then read the file while I arm up."
She tossed a yellow file on the desk, which Dante picked up and opened to the first page.
"Dr Sawbones? This guy take his name from the first horror flick he could find?" Lady just shrugged as she jammed a sawed off shotgun into a duffle bag. Dante continued to read for a second before putting it down. "Dense reading. Can I get the cliffnotes?"
"That's a copy of a police report." Lady said as she started shoving ammo into her bag. "Our friend Dr Sawbones is a back alley doctor. The kind of doctor you go to when you need off the books treatment for gunshots, cuts, whatever. Only the people who go to his office have an unfortunate habit of turning up dead. Turn to page 5."
Dante did so, and saw several pictures of men who appeared to be literally deflated.
"The official cause of death is blood loss. Not from bleeding, from the blood literally being drained out of them, to the last drop."
"Sounds like someone did a bit of a hack job."
Lady slowly looked up from her bag. "Dante. People are dead because of this thing."
He sighed. "Always so high strung. You know, you'd probably be a lot happier if you just take a second every now and then to laugh at some of the absurd things we see. Remember the toilet demon?"
Lady chuckled despite herself. "Ok, I'll give you that one." The image of a demon running around with a toilet on his head because his portal appeared directly under a stall wasn't one she was going to forget anytime soon.
"See? You can laugh."
She shook her head. "Ok, but can we focus?"
"So we got a vampire running around?" Dante asked as he grabbed a large guitar case and put his sword in it.
"Could be a lot of things. We won't know until we get there."
He nodded. "We good?"
"Ready when you are."
"Not waiting for Vergil? He's still out, it was his turn to go shopping."
"We can handle this on our own."
They walked outside, and Dante noticed something missing. "Not taking Kalina?" He asked, referring to her rocket launcher.
"In a cramped, crowded office? I'll be more likely to kill myself then the demons. I've been working on something special with the shotgun, they worked well in test firing and I'll be eager to see how they work in a real fight."
Dante raised an eyebrow. "Care to share?"
"Some specialty ammo I've been working on." She said as she put her helmet on. "All I'll say. Girl has to have some secrets."
They walked over to a set of two bikes. One, Lady's, was a bright red, high end sport motorcycle. The other, Dante's, was an older style motorcycle that he sat down on, as opposed to Lady, who was practically laying down on hers. Without any more discussion, they drove off.
Vergil still had no idea how he had allowed himself to get roped into this. When they first started the business, Dante had raised the question to Vergil of who was doing the shopping for supplies. Food, drinks, office things, and so on. Vergil, having no real shopping experience, naturally just assumed Lady would do it. She was a girl, she seemed more tuned into that scene then he was.
Dante had outright laughed in his face, and the ensuing bet on whenever or not Lady would punch him was one of the few Dante would likely ever win in his life. Vergil had then been forced to endure a half hour rant about women rights and changing views of gender roles and various other inane topics, which he eventually decided was just her saying "I'm not doing it for you" in an overly dramatic way.
In the wake of this, an agreement was stuck where each of them would take turns doing the weekly shopping runs. An agreement which was swiftly altered to exempt Dante after he came back from his first trip with 50 pizza boxes, an act which succeeded in earning him another gunshot to the head from a furious Lady. Personally, Vergil thought that Dante was more cunning then she gave him credit for and did that on purpose to get out of it, but that was a battle not worth fighting.
And so now every other week he was forced to go to the mall, in Vergil's opinion, a truer hell then the actual hell. Large crowds of fools who roamed more or less at random, obnoxious displays, loud and/or crying children, the list went on.
Lady had at least agreed to provide him with a list of what was needed. But this only helped him so much. Food was the easiest, nether he nor Lady were picky eaters, so long as it wasn't slop, and Dante's regular meal was pizza he ordered. Office supplies were more difficult, but once he learned what half the things she wrote were, he figured it out. But there was one part of this list he would forever despise.
The women section. In addition to everything else, Lady demanded that he go to some boutique he had never heard of and pick up all of her…..personal care products. He had attempted to fight her on this, but she just waved that damn debt in his face and told him to suck it up, because apparently that debt meant he was now her indentured servant, or so it felt sometimes.
It wouldn't have been so bad, if she hadn't insisted on exact, detailed descriptions of exactly what brand and scent of each one of these things she wanted, few of which he had ever heard of, and after the incident that had resulted when he asked in the store what a tampon was for, he was determined never to ask again.
And it wasn't as easy as remembering where they were, because the woman was fickle and would sometimes change what she wanted from week to week based on some magazine article she had read. And Sparda help you if you didn't get something, or tried to substitute one item for another, as he found out when they were out of her tampon brand and the helpful employee recommended another, an act which resulted in said item being thrown back at him full force after he asked why it mattered and what the difference was, a question he still had not received a satisfactory response to.
Dante had tried to warn him of the perils of attempting to share a house with a woman the night after she moved in, but he hadn't paid him any heed. How hard could it be, he had asked. As he stood in line, he shook his head at his naivety.
"Blasted, demonic woman." He muttered as he stepped to the register, ready to leave this hell for another 2 weeks.
"My apologies, sir, the register just went down. You'll have to wait until it's back up."
He gave her a cold glare, but he had learned that these retail people were more hardened then the average human, and few caved to a glare that usually caused men to wet themselves in fear. Then he sighed.
"Is there no other register?"
"No sir. You'll have to wait, or, you can come back tomorrow."
He briefly considered having to return to this hell the next day.
"I'll wait."
He wondered what Dante and the infernal woman were doing right now. Whatever it was, it had to be better then this.
They dismounted their bikes, and Lady removed her helmet, locking it to the bike.
"So." Dante said as he turned to her. "What's the-"
Then she suddenly pulled a gun out of her bag and shot him in the gut.
"What the hell was that for?" He asked as she put the gun back and zipped the bag up.
"You've just been shot. You need medical treatment."
"You know full well I-"
"You're a human and you need treatment." She said as she stepped on his foot.
"Can't we just kick in the door?"
"No guarantee they're all in the same room, I want a clean sweep in one swoop. No one gets away, got it?"
"Sure, sure." He said nonchalantly as they both grabbed their respective bags of weapons.
"You're injured. You've been shot. Show some urgency, show some pain, some fear." She roughly yanked on his ear as they started walking, causing him to yell in pain. "We need to sell this act."
"Fear? Ya don't worry, I'm next to the scariest woman in the city, I think I can do fear."
"And less smartass comments! Walk faster, if that wound heals before we get in the door, I have to shoot you again!"
Dante's pace noticeably quickened, and they entered the office. Inside was the most bland, drab office imaginable. Next to the door stood a man with his arms crossed, clearly a guard, and 2 men and a woman behind a counter. All turned to look as Dante staggered in, giving his best grimace as Lady supported him.
"Please, we need help, he's been shot!"
The three receptionists looked between themselves.
"Miss…" One of them said. "I think you have the-"
"Please!" Lady yelled, surprising Dante with how much it sounded like she actually cared he had been "shot". For his part, he gave a sad sounding groan. "We don't have time to go anywhere else! I know you have a doctor who does this work! I'll pay anything you want!"
The receptionists looked at each other again, and were about to speak when a door opened, and a man with a stethoscope peaked out the door.
"Send him in. It's fine, we need a patient or two today, yes?"
The mem nodded, and the doctor, dressed in the most generic doctor's outfit imaginable, stepped out and took Dante's arm from Lady. She stepped to the side
"Thank you, thank you so much!"
As Dante was taken away, he turned to look at Lady, and they shared a glance, silently confirming what she had already knew. They were all demons. She had felt that sensation of unease, the hair sticking up on the back of her neck, since they entered. A feeling most people would write off as a stiff breeze, or nerves, or something. But she had come to trust her instincts. They had kept her alive more then once.
She walked up to the counter as Dante vanished behind the door. "Thank you again. Please, how much do I owe you?"
"Oh, don't worry, we'll take care of that later." The man said.
"Here." The woman walked up, all smiles as she held a cup in her hand. "Tea. To calm the nerves."
Lady took the cup, looking down at it.
I'm sure it is. Calm them until they shut down completely. Probably a sedative. They wouldn't want to put poison in the blood they're going to drink.
Lady, for her part, just nodded, then turned. She took a couple of steps as she lifted the tea cup, pretending to take a sip. Once she did, the staff looked away from her, and she sat down next to a half dead tree. She glanced over her shoulder, made sure no one was looking, then dumped the tea in the tree. She set the cup to the side. Everything was going according to plan.
Naturally, a complication walked in. A man, clutching a bleeding arm with a large gash on it. The staff looked at him.
"Please, I need to see the doc. I, some guy pulled a knife on me, tried to mug me. I, I had to fight him, he, he died, I didn't mean it, but-"
"Please sir, calm down." One of the men said.
"I got a record, I can't go to no normal hospital, I-"
"The doctor has another patent, have a seat, he'll see you shortly." The woman walked over, offering him a rag to cover the wound with. He slowly walked over and took a seat next to Lady.
Damn it! Now there's a human right in the middle of what's about to become a shooting gallery, and I have maybe a minute before these people start wondering why the sedative isn't working yet.
She looked out of the corner of her eye, and saw the staff had returned to talking among themselves. She had to act fast.
"Hey. You." She whispered. He looked up, clearly confused. "Yes. You. Don't move, don't talk, don't do anything to draw attention. But you're in danger."
He cocked his head to the side, her face looking vaguely familiar to him "What-"
"These people, they're not people. And if you stay here, you're going to die, because in about 3 minutes, this whole room is going to be a killzone."
He still looked unconvinced, so she unzipped the duffle bag sitting on her lap. She motioned at it with her head, and he looked down, seeing the armory inside of it. He looked back up, eyes wide as he realized who she was, having seen her on some newscast.
"You're-"
She put a finger to his lips, silencing him as she looked back over her shoulder. Still distracted, but she had seconds left before that was likely to change.
"If you want to live, do exactly as I say. I am about to leave. Be ready. When you hear a loud noise, dive to the floor, and crawl for the door. Get out, and run." She passed a card to him that was blank, save for a single phone number. "Call this number. Tell him Lady referred you. Explain what happened, he'll get your arm taken care of and make sure there's no trouble with the cops. You can trust him." Morrison was good for it.
"Nod if you understand." He nodded. "Good."
She then raised her hand, letting it slack, as if she was suddenly tired and struggling to stay awake.
"Exxxxxquse me, I'm...not feeling well. Can...can I use the restroom?" She asked.
"Oh, sure." The woman said. "It's right over there." She pointed at a door marked "Restroom" in fading black paint.
"Thank you." She said as she got up, and made a show of staggering to the restroom door and leaning hard on it before entering, bringing her bag with her.
Dante, meanwhile, was led through a series of halls before finding himself in a doctor's office. Behind an unusually sinister, blood covered chair with more restraints then one would think needed, two hot nurses in generic nurse outfits stood, waving as he entered.
"Ohhhh, first patent of the day?"
"He looks sexy."
"Wow, they didn't tell me this place came with hot babes." Dante said as he dropped his case next to the door, causing the doctor to chuckle.
"Unusually chipper for a man with a gunshot wound. That's good, it means you're very healthy."
"Well they do tell me that my libdo is unusually high for a man my age."
The doctor laughed. "A jokester, too! Now, why don't you lay down on the operating table, please, and we can begin."
"Sure, doc." As he laid down, he kept talking. "Hey, you know, they told me your name is Sawbones. That true?"
He chuckled. "I'm afraid that's just what they call a street name."
"Street name?"
"Sure." The doctor said as he started securing the restraints. "A nickname, if you will."
"Kind of a bad omen, if you ask me."
"Bah, people who say that are superstitious. Afraid of poking a little fun."
"Heh, you mind telling the girl outside that? She needs to loosen up a little herself."
"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, she'll be as loose as she can be soon enough."
He slapped on a head restraint. "Hey doc, can I ask a question? What's with the restraints? I feel like I'm in a shitty horror flick."
"Oh, well, we don't use anesthesia here, don't have access, so we have to strap you down, make sure you don't move while we operate."
"That so? Hey, so, how does my wound look?"
"Well, let's see, it's-" He gave a brief glance at where the blood was, and suddenly realized there was no wound. "What? But how-"
Then, a loud boom could be heard from the front of the building. Both the doctor and the nurses looked in that direction.
"What was that?"
"That? That was the signal." Dante said, laughing. "You see doc, I wasn't kidding. We really are in a shitty horror flick. But the roles ain't the way you think they are. Cause that pretty chick, she's no damsel, and me?"
He casually broke his head restraint by flexing his neck, and the doctor and nurses jumped backward in shock before looks of anger crossed their faces.
"I'm the monster here." He broke the hand restraints, and made a "Come get me" motion.
"Let's get this party started!"
