Project H: Breaking Dawn Part 1
By Project H
Part 3
*Isle Esme*
Edward:...and I said "Those kids aren't speaking Portuguese, they're speaking Portu-duck!"
Brazilians:...
Edward: Oh Bella, these are our housekeepers, Gustavo and Kaure
Gustavo: (In Portuguese) She looks exactly like our monkey-faced god!
Kaure: (In Portugeuse) Quiet! Her lady-faced husband understands Portuguese
Edward: Mi chiamo pane
Brazilians: *Get to work*
Bella: What was that about?
Edward: She's afraid. Because I have you here all alone, to do as I wish
Bella: And?
Edward: They wanted to join in. Kaure said they haven't broken a bed since Gustavo's beard was still black
Kaure: (In Portuguese) It was supposed to be three of us, with the monkey girl watching
Gustavo: (In Portuguese) Be quiet and help me scrub these blood-stained ceiling tiles
-
*Next morning*
Edward's letter: I've gone to the mainland to hunt, be back before you wake. Unless I meet a cute Brazilian girl, in which case don't wait up
Bella: *Not wanting to waste time in letting herself go after marriage, enjoys a breakfast of fried chicken. Then throws up*
Edward: Bella, you won't believe what happened. An entire village saw me sparkling, so I had to massacre them and...what's wrong?
Bella: Don't come in here. You don't need to see this
Edward: I can't help but see it, our bathroom doesn't have real walls for some reason
Gustavo: Don't look at Gustavo! Not Gustavo's idea
Bella: It must have been the chicken. Or major internal injuries from the sex
Edward: No problem. We've got a whole village we can harvest organs from
Bella: Wait...how many days has it been since the wedding?
Edward: Well its felt like about 10 years, but 14 days I think
Bella: I'm...I'm late
Edward: Well so was I, but if you were held up because you ran into some nosy villages I forgive you
Bella: My period's late
Edward: I was wondering why I hadn't had the urge to devour you crotch-first in a while. Well, I have, but for different-
Bella: *Looking in mirror at stomach* That's impossible
Edward: I wouldn't worry about your stomach bulging, you'd been getting chubby leading up to the wedding anyway
Phone: *Rings*
Bella: *Answers* Alice?
Alice: Bella? I just had the funniest vision! And you were in it. Anyway, I won't spoil it for you, but here's Carlisle
Carlisle: Bella...the hell, girl? Has Edward been harmed?
Bella: No. I know that it's impossible, but I think that I'm pregnant
Carlisle: But Edward's OK?
Bella: Yeah. *Stomach pains* Argh! Carlisle, I swear something just moved inside me, but Edward's over there
Edward: Bella, just hurry up and order the pizza
Bella: It's Carlisle
Edward: Oh. *Takes phone* Hello Carlisle. I know, the phone reception on this island is incredible. Is it even possible for her to be pregnant?
Carlisle: What am I, a doctor? No idea. Get to the mainland as quickly as possible
Edward: Good. There are a few villagers I still have to settle a score with
Kaure: *In Portuguese* What did you do with her?
Edward: *In Portuguese* I think you can work it out from the fact we made a baby
Kaure: *In Portuguese* You are a demon!
Edward: *In Portuguese* In the bedroom? You bet I am
Kaure: *In Portuguese* She has been cursed with a demon baby!
Gustavo: Don't look at Gustavo!
-
*Swan House*
Charlie: Hey Jacob. I haven't seen you in a while, but I suppose all good things have to come to an end
Jacob: You heard from Bella?
Charlie: They're extending their trip. It seems she caught a bug, known as the Life-without-Jacob-is-so-much-fun-I-never-want-to-go-back-to-Forks virus
Jacob: She's sick?
Charlie: She told me not to worry but she sounded, I don't know, pregnant with a mutant
Jacob: *Starts to leave*
Billy: Jacob, let it go. You can't go running after every woman who gets impregnated by a vampire. If you do, you'll never stop running
-
*Cullen House*
Carlisle: Jacob, welcome. I assume you're here because you're interested in purchasing our second-hand mattress
Bella: Jacob, is that you? The house suddenly feels a lot more childish and delusional
Jacob: Wow Bella, you look terrible
Bella: Jacob, that's a mirror. I'm over here on the couch
Jacob: You gonna tell me what's wrong with you?
Bella: That'll take all night, so I'll just mention one of the things – vampire pregnant
Jacob: *To Edward* You did this! I hope. If it was Esme or something, that's more madness than I can deal with in one day
Carlisle: We've tried everything on it – ultrasounds, needles, setting fire to Bella
Alice: I can't see it either. And I can't see Bella's future anymore
Carlisle: I'll tell you what's in her future – more fire. Seriously, I think it might work this time. We've been researching legends on the internet, as I always do when a medical issue confuses me, but there isn't much to go on. Still, that woman whose mumps I cured by drowning her hasn't had any complaints
Jacob: Why haven't you done anything? Take it out of her. I'll get the tongs
Rosalie: This is none of your business, dog. Even though I stood here and let Carlisle tell you every single detail
Esme: Rose! All this fighting isn't good for Bella
Alice: The foetus isn't good for Bella!
Rosalie: Say the word, Alice. 'Baby'. It's just a little baby
Jasper: POSSIBLY!
Everyone:...
Rosalie: Thanks Jasper. I'm glad when you finally chose to talk it was for a real contribution to the discussion
Jacob: Carlisle, you've got to do something
Carlisle: Already got the matches
Bella: No! It's not his decision. It's not any of yours
Edward: Uh...you know, half of that baby is mine
Bella: Possession is nine-tenths of the law
Edward: Jacob, I need to talk to you
-
*Outside*
Jacob: I always knew you'd destroy her
Edward: You did? Well geez, you could have told me! She thinks Carlisle can turn her at the last minute like he did for me and Esme
Jacob: Can he?
Edward:...ooh, I guess I should ask. Jacob, I need you to do something for me
Jacob: Ha! I'd never do anything for you. Not a thing. And I could never be talked into it. I hate you with every fibre of my being, and you could never convince me to do anything
Edward: For her
Jacob: Certainly. What do you need?
Edward: You have a connection with her that I'll never understand. I could never understand anyone wanting to be friends with you. Maybe you could change her mind. You could keep her alive
Jacob: And if I can't?
Edward: You get to kill me
Jacob: You mean I have to choose?
-
*Back inside*
Jacob: Hello Bella, I wish to have a nonchalant conversation with you
Bella: Edward send you in here to talk to me?
Edward: Your cover's blown! Abort!
Jacob: Since when are you and Blondie BFFs?
Bella: With you not here, I needed another feminine companion
Jacob: What are you thinking, Bella? Seriously
Bella: I know it seems scary, my face especially, but it's not. It's not this miracle or something
Jacob: Please don't bring religion into this. I'm pretty sure all faiths would want to keep their distance from you at the moment
Bella: I can feel him
Jacob: So it's a boy?
Bella: It's just a guess. I mean, it could only be a boy or a girl. That's roughly a 75% chance of a boy. Jake, I can do this. I'm strong enough
Jacob: Strong enough? Edward left you and you sat in a chair for 6 months
Bella: Physically strong
Jacob: Prove it. Let's wrestle
Bella: No. I don't want to hurt the baby
Jacob: It's hurting you. I can see what it's doing to you. It's a killer, Bella
Bella: I know, isn't it adorable? Just like its daddy
Jacob: And when you die, what was the point of me loving you, or you loving him?
Bella: We had some great adventures. I even got to go to Italy. Jake, everything's going to be OK
Jacob: What are you basing that on?
Bella:...I've got a good feeling in my gut
Jacob: That's the baby!
-
*The Forest. Everyone is wolf*
Sam: It's dangerous!
Leah: It's unnatural!
Quil: An abomination!
Sam: But enough about Embry. We need to discuss this vampire child. Anyone anti-abortion?
All: No
Jacob: I think we should leave that decision to our local congressman
Sam: We must destroy it before it's born. We won't be able to control its thirst. And the damn things cry all through the night. Some of us have work in the morning!
Seth: You mean kill Bella?
Sam: Not on purpose. But we need to tear something out of her stomach, and whenever I've done that in the past the person has died
Jacob: Bella's human. Our protection applies to her
Sam: We'll protect the parts that aren't the stomach. You will fight with us, Jacob!
Jacob: *Snarls*
Sam: *Snarls*
Jacob: *Whimpers*
Embry: If you imagine them doing this as shirtless guys, it's actually pretty funny
Sam: *Snarls*
Jacob: *Growls* I...will...not! I am the grandson of Ephraim Black. I am the grandson of a chief. I can ride my bike faster than almost anyone on the reservation. I was not born to follow you or anyone else *Runs off*
Sam: Fine. Leave. I had him for Secret Santa and now I don't have to buy a gift
-
*Cullen House*
Jacob: *In human form* It sure was lucky I found that hobo I could steal clothes from
Seth: *Arrives* And it sure was lucky that hobo dresses in layers. Hi Jacob
Jacob: What do you think you're doing here?
Seth: I left Sam's pack. But I didn't make a big deal out of it like you did. I just wandered off when everybody started licking themselves
Jacob: Get out of here
Seth: Is that an order?
Jacob: No. I can't order you if you're not in my pack
Seth: Then I'm staying
Jacob: Fine. You're in my pack
Seth: Yay!
Jacob: Now jump off a bridge
Seth: I've decided to leave the pack. I'll be forming my own one-man pack, but my one order to the pack is to stay as close to your one-man pack as possible, making it basically a two-man pack
Jacob: If Sam comes after Bella, are you really ready to fight your own brothers and your sister?
Seth: Sure, whatever. I'm just here to try and help you get a date
Jacob: She's pregnant with a vampire!
Seth: Since when do you have standards?
Jacob: Whatever. I'm gonna go give the Cullens a heads-up. Do what you want
Seth: My one-man pack has unanimously voted to follow you
Jacob: I thought it was a two-man pack
Seth: I briefly voted you out
Jacob: *Yelling at the Cullen House* Edward! They're coming for Bella!
Edward: I won't let them put a hand on her, no matter how badly they want it. I'm referring to you, but I also won't let the wolves get her
Leah: Hi. I'm here to apply for the open position in the pack
Seth: Oh good, someone saw the ad I placed in the paper
Jacob: What?
Leah: I'm not going to let my little brother get himself killed. Not without my help, at least
Jacob: Would the both of you shut up?
Leah: Jake, you don't get to tell us what to do
Jacob: If this is a new tribe, then I'm the alpha. I say what goes
Leah: All in favour of electing Leah as new alpha - I
Seth: I
Jacob: You can't be alpha. You're not a man
Leah: Didn't stop you
Jacob:...
TO BE CONTINUED...
