Project H: Breaking Dawn Part 1

By Project H

Part 3

*Isle Esme*

Edward:...and I said "Those kids aren't speaking Portuguese, they're speaking Portu-duck!"

Brazilians:...

Edward: Oh Bella, these are our housekeepers, Gustavo and Kaure

Gustavo: (In Portuguese) She looks exactly like our monkey-faced god!

Kaure: (In Portugeuse) Quiet! Her lady-faced husband understands Portuguese

Edward: Mi chiamo pane

Brazilians: *Get to work*

Bella: What was that about?

Edward: She's afraid. Because I have you here all alone, to do as I wish

Bella: And?

Edward: They wanted to join in. Kaure said they haven't broken a bed since Gustavo's beard was still black

Kaure: (In Portuguese) It was supposed to be three of us, with the monkey girl watching

Gustavo: (In Portuguese) Be quiet and help me scrub these blood-stained ceiling tiles

-
*Next morning*

Edward's letter: I've gone to the mainland to hunt, be back before you wake. Unless I meet a cute Brazilian girl, in which case don't wait up

Bella: *Not wanting to waste time in letting herself go after marriage, enjoys a breakfast of fried chicken. Then throws up*

Edward: Bella, you won't believe what happened. An entire village saw me sparkling, so I had to massacre them and...what's wrong?

Bella: Don't come in here. You don't need to see this

Edward: I can't help but see it, our bathroom doesn't have real walls for some reason

Gustavo: Don't look at Gustavo! Not Gustavo's idea

Bella: It must have been the chicken. Or major internal injuries from the sex

Edward: No problem. We've got a whole village we can harvest organs from

Bella: Wait...how many days has it been since the wedding?

Edward: Well its felt like about 10 years, but 14 days I think

Bella: I'm...I'm late

Edward: Well so was I, but if you were held up because you ran into some nosy villages I forgive you

Bella: My period's late

Edward: I was wondering why I hadn't had the urge to devour you crotch-first in a while. Well, I have, but for different-

Bella: *Looking in mirror at stomach* That's impossible

Edward: I wouldn't worry about your stomach bulging, you'd been getting chubby leading up to the wedding anyway

Phone: *Rings*

Bella: *Answers* Alice?

Alice: Bella? I just had the funniest vision! And you were in it. Anyway, I won't spoil it for you, but here's Carlisle

Carlisle: Bella...the hell, girl? Has Edward been harmed?

Bella: No. I know that it's impossible, but I think that I'm pregnant

Carlisle: But Edward's OK?

Bella: Yeah. *Stomach pains* Argh! Carlisle, I swear something just moved inside me, but Edward's over there

Edward: Bella, just hurry up and order the pizza

Bella: It's Carlisle

Edward: Oh. *Takes phone* Hello Carlisle. I know, the phone reception on this island is incredible. Is it even possible for her to be pregnant?

Carlisle: What am I, a doctor? No idea. Get to the mainland as quickly as possible

Edward: Good. There are a few villagers I still have to settle a score with

Kaure: *In Portuguese* What did you do with her?

Edward: *In Portuguese* I think you can work it out from the fact we made a baby

Kaure: *In Portuguese* You are a demon!

Edward: *In Portuguese* In the bedroom? You bet I am

Kaure: *In Portuguese* She has been cursed with a demon baby!

Gustavo: Don't look at Gustavo!

-
*Swan House*

Charlie: Hey Jacob. I haven't seen you in a while, but I suppose all good things have to come to an end

Jacob: You heard from Bella?

Charlie: They're extending their trip. It seems she caught a bug, known as the Life-without-Jacob-is-so-much-fun-I-never-want-to-go-back-to-Forks virus

Jacob: She's sick?

Charlie: She told me not to worry but she sounded, I don't know, pregnant with a mutant

Jacob: *Starts to leave*

Billy: Jacob, let it go. You can't go running after every woman who gets impregnated by a vampire. If you do, you'll never stop running

-
*Cullen House*

Carlisle: Jacob, welcome. I assume you're here because you're interested in purchasing our second-hand mattress

Bella: Jacob, is that you? The house suddenly feels a lot more childish and delusional

Jacob: Wow Bella, you look terrible

Bella: Jacob, that's a mirror. I'm over here on the couch

Jacob: You gonna tell me what's wrong with you?

Bella: That'll take all night, so I'll just mention one of the things – vampire pregnant

Jacob: *To Edward* You did this! I hope. If it was Esme or something, that's more madness than I can deal with in one day

Carlisle: We've tried everything on it – ultrasounds, needles, setting fire to Bella

Alice: I can't see it either. And I can't see Bella's future anymore

Carlisle: I'll tell you what's in her future – more fire. Seriously, I think it might work this time. We've been researching legends on the internet, as I always do when a medical issue confuses me, but there isn't much to go on. Still, that woman whose mumps I cured by drowning her hasn't had any complaints

Jacob: Why haven't you done anything? Take it out of her. I'll get the tongs

Rosalie: This is none of your business, dog. Even though I stood here and let Carlisle tell you every single detail

Esme: Rose! All this fighting isn't good for Bella

Alice: The foetus isn't good for Bella!

Rosalie: Say the word, Alice. 'Baby'. It's just a little baby

Jasper: POSSIBLY!

Everyone:...

Rosalie: Thanks Jasper. I'm glad when you finally chose to talk it was for a real contribution to the discussion

Jacob: Carlisle, you've got to do something

Carlisle: Already got the matches

Bella: No! It's not his decision. It's not any of yours

Edward: Uh...you know, half of that baby is mine

Bella: Possession is nine-tenths of the law

Edward: Jacob, I need to talk to you

-
*Outside*

Jacob: I always knew you'd destroy her

Edward: You did? Well geez, you could have told me! She thinks Carlisle can turn her at the last minute like he did for me and Esme

Jacob: Can he?

Edward:...ooh, I guess I should ask. Jacob, I need you to do something for me

Jacob: Ha! I'd never do anything for you. Not a thing. And I could never be talked into it. I hate you with every fibre of my being, and you could never convince me to do anything

Edward: For her

Jacob: Certainly. What do you need?

Edward: You have a connection with her that I'll never understand. I could never understand anyone wanting to be friends with you. Maybe you could change her mind. You could keep her alive

Jacob: And if I can't?

Edward: You get to kill me

Jacob: You mean I have to choose?

-
*Back inside*

Jacob: Hello Bella, I wish to have a nonchalant conversation with you

Bella: Edward send you in here to talk to me?

Edward: Your cover's blown! Abort!

Jacob: Since when are you and Blondie BFFs?

Bella: With you not here, I needed another feminine companion

Jacob: What are you thinking, Bella? Seriously

Bella: I know it seems scary, my face especially, but it's not. It's not this miracle or something

Jacob: Please don't bring religion into this. I'm pretty sure all faiths would want to keep their distance from you at the moment

Bella: I can feel him

Jacob: So it's a boy?

Bella: It's just a guess. I mean, it could only be a boy or a girl. That's roughly a 75% chance of a boy. Jake, I can do this. I'm strong enough

Jacob: Strong enough? Edward left you and you sat in a chair for 6 months

Bella: Physically strong

Jacob: Prove it. Let's wrestle

Bella: No. I don't want to hurt the baby

Jacob: It's hurting you. I can see what it's doing to you. It's a killer, Bella

Bella: I know, isn't it adorable? Just like its daddy

Jacob: And when you die, what was the point of me loving you, or you loving him?

Bella: We had some great adventures. I even got to go to Italy. Jake, everything's going to be OK

Jacob: What are you basing that on?

Bella:...I've got a good feeling in my gut

Jacob: That's the baby!

-
*The Forest. Everyone is wolf*

Sam: It's dangerous!

Leah: It's unnatural!

Quil: An abomination!

Sam: But enough about Embry. We need to discuss this vampire child. Anyone anti-abortion?

All: No

Jacob: I think we should leave that decision to our local congressman

Sam: We must destroy it before it's born. We won't be able to control its thirst. And the damn things cry all through the night. Some of us have work in the morning!

Seth: You mean kill Bella?

Sam: Not on purpose. But we need to tear something out of her stomach, and whenever I've done that in the past the person has died

Jacob: Bella's human. Our protection applies to her

Sam: We'll protect the parts that aren't the stomach. You will fight with us, Jacob!

Jacob: *Snarls*

Sam: *Snarls*

Jacob: *Whimpers*

Embry: If you imagine them doing this as shirtless guys, it's actually pretty funny

Sam: *Snarls*

Jacob: *Growls* I...will...not! I am the grandson of Ephraim Black. I am the grandson of a chief. I can ride my bike faster than almost anyone on the reservation. I was not born to follow you or anyone else *Runs off*

Sam: Fine. Leave. I had him for Secret Santa and now I don't have to buy a gift

-
*Cullen House*

Jacob: *In human form* It sure was lucky I found that hobo I could steal clothes from

Seth: *Arrives* And it sure was lucky that hobo dresses in layers. Hi Jacob

Jacob: What do you think you're doing here?

Seth: I left Sam's pack. But I didn't make a big deal out of it like you did. I just wandered off when everybody started licking themselves

Jacob: Get out of here

Seth: Is that an order?

Jacob: No. I can't order you if you're not in my pack

Seth: Then I'm staying

Jacob: Fine. You're in my pack

Seth: Yay!

Jacob: Now jump off a bridge

Seth: I've decided to leave the pack. I'll be forming my own one-man pack, but my one order to the pack is to stay as close to your one-man pack as possible, making it basically a two-man pack

Jacob: If Sam comes after Bella, are you really ready to fight your own brothers and your sister?

Seth: Sure, whatever. I'm just here to try and help you get a date

Jacob: She's pregnant with a vampire!

Seth: Since when do you have standards?

Jacob: Whatever. I'm gonna go give the Cullens a heads-up. Do what you want

Seth: My one-man pack has unanimously voted to follow you

Jacob: I thought it was a two-man pack

Seth: I briefly voted you out

Jacob: *Yelling at the Cullen House* Edward! They're coming for Bella!

Edward: I won't let them put a hand on her, no matter how badly they want it. I'm referring to you, but I also won't let the wolves get her

Leah: Hi. I'm here to apply for the open position in the pack

Seth: Oh good, someone saw the ad I placed in the paper

Jacob: What?

Leah: I'm not going to let my little brother get himself killed. Not without my help, at least

Jacob: Would the both of you shut up?

Leah: Jake, you don't get to tell us what to do

Jacob: If this is a new tribe, then I'm the alpha. I say what goes

Leah: All in favour of electing Leah as new alpha - I

Seth: I

Jacob: You can't be alpha. You're not a man

Leah: Didn't stop you

Jacob:...

TO BE CONTINUED...