A/N: rocky horror is my favourite movie. estonia is my favourite character. nothing could be more fantastic. i wrote this gem in my algebra II class, ohdang.
Once upon a time in the Soviet Union, Eduard was making some pretty risky fashion choices. He had never exactly been a pro at getting dressed (I mean, they all often found themselves wearing Weasley sweaters made by Katyusha and Nike shoes from the sweatshop in the basement), but suddenly, it had gotten even more ridiculous. Eduard was starting to dress like a low-class lot lizard, and it was a tad bit cold for that in Moscow.
His family was very concerned. And by concerned, I mean his family laughed at him behind his back when he went out in the evenings.
"Did you see what he was wearing?" Toris whispered, ever-so-amused as Eduard left the house, and they would all sort of chuckle under their breath.
"It looks like he raided Miss Natalia's underwear drawer," Raivis agreed.
"How do you know what my lingerie looks like, boy?"
"I-i do your laundry!"
"Eduard is a strange young man..." Ivan sighed. "And pink certainly is not his colour. Natalia?"
"Yes, brother?"
"You do not actually wear such tacky lingerie, do you?"
"Would you like me to?"
"Sister..." Katyusha warned.
"She does wear tacky lingerie, Mister Ivan!" Toris piped up.
Of course he knew. He stole her panties to put on his shrine, after all.
"What are you doing looking at my sister's underclothes, boy?"
And Ivan punched Toris in the mouth, and their moment of bonding was over.
Still, every Friday and Saturday night saw Eduard strutting out of the house and looking like a ho, and when all of Natalia's underwear turned up missing, they decided it was time for an intervention.
They waited up for him one Friday night, sitting in the living room like concerned parents of a troubled teenager until almost three in the morning. Finally, the questionable Estonian showed up in not only what looked to be Natalia's fancy underwear, but full drag queen make-up too.
"Oh... hey you guys..."
"Brother!" Natalia wailed. "Sir Stinks A Lot is wearing my underwear!"
"What is the meaning of this, Eduard?" Ivan bellowed in a manner that would have been super frightening and intense if this was a serious business story. Good thing it isn't.
"Nothing...?" Eduard tried.
"Then why did I find this flyer in your bedroom?" Out of nowhere, he whipped out a crumpled piece of paper reading, ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW SHADOW CAST AUDITIONS and waved it in the scared man's face.
"I JUST WANT TO BE FRANK N. FURTER!"
Everyone else gasped. Ivan became even more furious.
"THERE WILL BE NOTHING GAY IN THIS HOUSE!"
Crickets sounded. The entire family looked to their father figure like he had four arms or something.
"So you stole all of my good underwear?"
"It's not like I could have used Mama Katyusha's," Eduard mumbled. "There's nothing sensual at all about her granny panties."
Katyusha frowned. No one ever seemed to want to steal her undies. Oh, well. She couldn't let it get to her. "Well, Eduard, I think it's wonderful that you're Frank N. Furter!"
"I don't," Natalia hissed. "You just look uglier, and now you smell like a gay bar-"
"In fact," Katyusha cut her off, ever the supportive mother. "We'd all love to see you perform sometime."
And so, they all went along to the next screening, and were strangely well-behaved. That is, until some total A-hole hit Ivan in the back of the head with a piece of buttered toast, which clearly goes against Rocky etiquette. Never ever bring buttered toast. Seriously.
This unpleasant event caused Ivan to snap, and he began maiming the virgins in the audience. Three were killed. An undisclosed number were hospitalized. Eduard was promptly fired from his dream role as Frank N. Furter.
And he cried.
The end.
