CHAPTER 3

JURASSIC ZIM

By the time Zim had hidden behind the tree, he noticed an arrow sticking out of his raggedy shirt. He hadn't felt it go into his skin, and upon further inspection he realized it had gone through both ends of the cloth. "Jesus. Talk about fucking close calls."

Ando ran screaming past him, flailing his arms left and right. Hazarding a glance around the tree Zim saw Hiro, in Kensei's armor, hacking his way through the enemy's army. "I'm glad I'm not that guy."

Carelessly, he threw the arrow from his shirt behind him, and he ignored the cry he heard. Setting down behind the tree for cover he noticed that his arrow had planted itself firmly into Takezo Kensei's eyeball.

"Whoops," Zim muttered. He then completely forgot about the legendary Japanese cult figure he'd accidentally killed when he saw that a group of warriors had captured Yaeko nearby. They were dragging her away, probably to kill her. Or murder her. Or maybe ransom her. He didn't know what these ancient people thought about during a battle.

He remembered the katana blade in his hand, and the wheels in his head started turning. Unfortunately they were kind of rusty, and they made a lot of clanking sounds as they rattled along, but he eventually came to the proper conclusion: he must save Yaeko. That way she'd be sure to put out.

He unsheathed the sword and charged forward, giving his best Future Booze Jesus roar. Then, as he came closer to the bad guys, he saw just how large and well-armed they were. One of them held a sword that could probably cut Zim in half.

It occurred to him that maybe he should turn back, that he should find some kind of cover and ride this out. And then Yaeko saw him, and he saw hope in her eyes. That hope equaled immediate poon. He'd seen Fitz with a lot of good looking girls, but none of them were as hot as this. He couldn't wait to get home and gloat about this.

Zim roared and swiped his blade at the biggest guy in the crowd. Pure luck guided his hand as the sword found a chink in the armor at the neck and separated the warrior's head from his shoulders with the ease of a hot knife slipping through butter.

The other two baddies turned and watched as their comrade's head rolled away, which gave Zim an extra second to attack again. He jabbed the sword forward, but this time luck was not with him. The blade clanked off his target's chest plate, and the two warriors braced for battle.

Out of the corner of his eye Zim could see Hiro rushing to save Yaeko. This could not happen. Zim would never forgive himself if he let this other guy save the hottest piece of ass he'd ever seen. This would be another time and country he could never come back to . . .

Zim's jealousy and rage and need to lay some pipe took over his body, and he transformed into a madman. Neither warrior was fast enough to parry his blows. They both fell with grievous wounds, and Zim continued to slice at them to ensure their deaths.

Finally, when he was done, he straightened up, out of breath, and cleaned the sword of blood. "So," he said. "How's it going?"

She exclaimed something in Japanese, then jumped up and gave him a hug. He hugged back and gleefully realized her tits were pressing up against his chest. This meant that HE WAS TOUCHING BOOBS!

"You wanna get out of here, babe?" Zim asked. "There's got to be a better place to hang out than in a war zone."

She backed away, confused. Once again she spoke about fifty miles per hour in Japanese, and Zim understood none of it.

"Do you speak English?" he asked. No response. "Shit. How the fuck am I going to get laid if you don't speak my language?"

"FINALLY! I'VE FOUND YOU, YOU GODDAM HEATHEN!"

Zim felt hands fall upon his shoulders and whirl him around. Standing before him was someone who looked vaguely familiar, but he just couldn't place it. The guy had a robotic arm, so it shouldn't be too difficult to figure it out. "Do I know you?"

"KNOW ME?! I'M H. GEORGE FUCKING WELLS! YOU KILLED MY WEENA!"

Behind this raving lunatic Zim could see the time traveling phone booth, and the whole ordeal with the Eloi and Morlocks came back to him. "Hey, yeah! I remember you! I thought you were dead."

Wells cackled like a fiend. "You foolish swine! I've traveled across eons to find you, and I've learned a lot. I have heard the music of the spheres! And I know what rests in the shadows between the worlds! I built my own robot arm! Do you like it?"

"It's actually kind of cool," Zim said. "You look kind of like a Terminator that way."

"How fitting, then, that I'm here to terminate you."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why? You killed my Weena! You mutilated me!"

"You seem to blame a lot of things on me. Have you ever considered that you might be to blame yourself? Jeez, the future version of me warned me that you were going to become an asshole. I should have broken the phone booth totally before I left."

"I would have found my way through the mists of time to find you and exact my revenge, either way. And what's this? You have a female companion?"

Zim pushed Yaeko behind him until he covered her entirely. "Get the fuck back. She's mine. I'm not going to lose a piece like her to the likes of you."

"You think you have the power to stop me? You fool! You have no idea the arcane knowledge I have uncovered! Prepare for your demise!"

Does he have to yell everything? Zim wondered. He sounds like Doc Brown.

Wells stomped the ground, chanting in a language Zim couldn't even place, much less understand. "Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtghan! Yogsothoth sudemell! Ia!" Once more he stomped the terra, and it disappeared beneath Yaeko's feet. She shrieked as she fell, and Zim tried to grab her. He managed to get her wrist, but her movement was so swift that he was pulled off his feet, and he dropped through the portal with her as Wells giggled above him.

Zim rolled around on the ground, disoriented. When he fell he thought he was going to go straight down, but when he went through the portal, he found himself falling to the side. When he looked around he noticed that the shimmering portal was by his side, vertical rather than above and horizontal. Weird.

Yaeko screamed, and when Zim looked he saw she was pointing up to the trees above. How were they now in a jungle? What did Wells do to them?

A roar filled Zim's ears, and the ground rumbled beneath him. Parting the leaves above was a gigantic head with lizard eyes and a mouth full of teeth the size of dollar bills.

A T-rex. A motherfucking T-rex.

"I hate my dreams," Zim said.