The next day Archimedes sits in a small blood puddle on the operating table in the infirmary. Medic is sitting at his desk writing down on a sheet of paper.
Robin flies through the open window and settles in front of the dove, but keeps distance from the blood.
"Privet, Arkhimeda!"
"Guten Tag, Robin."
„What is Medic doing?"
"He is making a list."
"A list?"
"Yes. My daddy decided to help the team with good resolutions."
"Oh… okay."
Archimedes immediately realizes that the red breast has no idea what he's talking about. But that's fine by him.
"Why do you always sit in blood? Isn't that disgusting?"
"Aber nein. Not at all. I like this viscous substance somehow."
"Is that because of Medic?"
"That could be. He likes blood. So I like it too. In this way I feel close to him. You are also this way."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, sometimes you sleep in the barrel of Heavy's weapon. You do that because you like him and want to be close to him, right?"
"Yes… Heavy doesn't like that but yet he let me nesting in Sasha. He has never chased me away."
"If he accepts that, then he likes you very much."
"That makes me very happy! Oh! Ahaha! Look, Archimedes! The blood on your chest makes you look like a big red breast."
Suddenly Medic rose from his chair and left with the described paper the infirmary. Archimedes follows him with the eyes.
"I've become very much like him since the day we met."
"Do you tell me about your encounter?"
"Of course. It was a very fateful and at the same time a funny meeting, which I have not forgotten a single second. It was love at first sight…"
Medic enters the lounge where, as expected, all the Mercs are sitting at the big table and wait for their doctor.
"Finally, Doc. Why did you call us?"
"Take it easy, Scout." Medic stands in front of the table and looks at each one. "I have invited you because I have to tell you something. And it's important, so listen carefully."
"Well I'm curious…" Spy sighs.
"I've looked at your results from the examinations and have to say that some of you don't show good blood values. This is mainly due to cigarettes, alcohol and energy drinks."
"Wait! W-what do you mean?"
"Tcha, Scout. This means, especially for you, that you have to curb your consumption from now on."
"But…but…"
"Demo, that is the same for you and your alcohol consumption."
"But Medic…!"
"Spy, you'll smoke less from now."
"That's what I feared."
Medic sighs heavily as his gaze falls on Heavy.
"Heavy, I have to put you on a diet."
The mouth of the Russian hangs open but no sound comes out. Scout can't refrain from laughing.
"It's about time that this land whale makes diet. Then, hopefully, the ground will not tremble anymore when he walks. Am I right, Fatty?"
Heavy ignores him. His eyes are on Medic. He is deeply hurt.
Medic feels bad. Heavy is good as he is. But for some time now he has gained a bit more weight and if he cooperate he can eat as he wants again. Well, with some medical control, of course.
"Just a little bit, Heavy."
With a deep grumble, the Russian folds his arms in front of his chest and turned his head offended.
"What about us, Doc?" Soldier asks.
"With Soldier, Engineer and Pyro I have nothing to complain about."
"Why should we come then here?"
"Well, I cannot have my eyes everywhere. I want you to make sure that Scout, Spy, Demo and Heavy are not cheating."
"Roger that, Doc."
"Hmmmpf!"
"Thanks for your support."
Spy wrinkles his nose. "Although you are a doctor, discretion is not your strength, am I right?"
Medic supports himself with one hand on the table and leans over slightly.
"You are the first one who will give me his cancer stalks. At your age the cancer risk is greatly increased. You don't have to support this."
"Pah!"
"Hey, what about me?"
"Of course I didn't forget you, Sniper. I've noticed that your vitamin B levels have worsened. You just drink too much coffee. I would advise you to drink your morning urine in order to compensate for this. But don't worry. You have a very healthy urine."
All present is the disgust written on their face.
"I thought he was already drinking his urine. Why else should he keep it in jars?"
"I do it so the Doc can examine it!"
"Such a high amount?"
"No, I keep the rest to wait for the perfect moment to throw it at you."
"Now please calm down. Sniper, if you don't want to drink it, I can inject it under your skin."
"I hate Spy. I really do. But I must agree with him. Discretion is not your strength…"
"Don't make (such) a fuss! Now get the cigarettes, the alcohol and the Bonk into the infirmary, so I can lock it up. Remember, I don't want you any harm. It's my duty as your doctor to look after your health."
"I don't get it. What does Bonk have to do with my health?"
"Very simple. Energy drinks are pure poison for your kidneys. And kidneys are very important. They detoxify your body. To support this, you can drink water for a change. What I order hereby."
"Water? Water tastes like nothing and it certainly does not give me the necessary energy to survive in the fight."
"Pah! As if you were drinking Bonk only during the fighting. You keep drinking it all the time. Every day. Even now at this moment! You imbecile…"
"So what? It tastes nice."
"Cut the discussions! Spy, Scout and Demo. Bring me your body-poisoning luxury. Hurry up!"
Everyone stares at the doc. Rarely the Mercs catch sight of his sternness.
Finally, Spy, Demoman and Scout rose from their chair to get the desired objects from their rooms. Medic follows them, keeping one eye on them.
If the Mercs realize that he is serious, they are mostly very willing.
"Don't make a face" Medic says while he locks in the cigarette case, the bottles, and the cans in his safe.
"Why do you have a safe?"
"I keep medicines in it so that can't get into the wrong hands. And I mean you, Scout."
"What have I done again?"
Medic does not go into it and turns around to the three.
"I hope you have given me everything. If I catch you with the forbidden stuff you will be in trouble."
"There was a time you were more cool, Doc."
"Yeah, led. What's wrong?"
"I don't know what you mean. I'm still the same."
"Cannot we do it with the start of the new decade?"
"You want to harm your body for a whole year, so you have to forbear the enjoyment? Be glad I am doing this now. So you are at least already in the program. Moreover, that would be irresponsible. I am your Doktor and I must take care of your well-being. Am I right, Spy?"
"If withdrawal symptoms occur, I have an effective remedy. If you excuse me now, I have to clear this up with Heavy."
Medic throws the three out from the infirmary and sets off on the way to search for the Russian.
"Withdrawal symptoms? Pah! I don't need Bonk! I can manage everything without Bonk. That's no problem for me."
"Shut up, kid."
"Well with you both the whole thing looks different. Hahaha! Have fun with your future as a non-smoker and as a dry alcoholic."
Medic finds Heavy in his room. He sits on his bed and seems to think.
The doctor knocks at the open room door. "May I come in?"
The Russian looks up. Medic was sure he was still angry with him, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.
"Da, Doktor."
He sits down on his bed next to him. "Because earlier…"
"Doctor is right. Heavy has put on a bit of weight."
"This was certainly the Christmas dinner. You got that quickly from the ribs. And you can also eat sandwiches."
"Really?"
"Yes! Just without cheese, ham and pork sausage. Ach ja! And the white bread must be replaced by granary bread."
The hopeful expression on Heavy's face died immediately.
"It'll be okay. That is, if you trust me."
"I trust doctor."
"Very good. Help me and then you can eat everything you want again. Deal?"
"Deal."
Medic and Heavy accept.
"I didn't mention this but Engineer also gained a little bit of weight."
Heavy smiles. He feels better when he knows he is not the only one who needs to lose weight.
One day later:
Scout sneaks quietly through the base. Its target is the beverage machine, which houses the wonderful, wonderful Bonk in its interior.
He had really tried, but he cannot live without this miracle cure! He needs it. Instantly!
The machine is unattended. Scout had expected Medic had set up guards but there's no one to be seen.
"Hehehe… You're not as clever as you always say, Doc."
Full of joyful expectations, the boy strolls over to the beverage dispenser and pulls a coin out of his pocket.
"Thanks, Spy."
Scout inserts the coin into the slot and presses the Bonk button. But there is no usual bonk sound when the can falls into the shaft.
"What the…?" He pushes the button again. Nothing. "Why is nothing coming out? That cannot be!"
Scout get to his knees and looks into the shaft. Of course nothing is to be seen, so he puts his right arm into it till to the shoulder. He cannot feel anything that feels like a can.
"Geez… Aaahhhh!"
Suddenly something inside the machine snaped shut and clamps his arm below the elbow. He tries to pull his arm out, but he's stuck.
"Oh no… Nononononono!"
With all his might, he tries to free himself from his predicament. He doesn't want to imagine what happens when Medic catches him.
"Mmppfh!"
Scout freezes and turns his head slowly to the right. Pyro stands in front of him, with his arms on his hips.
"Pyro! Thank god! Could you help me? I'm stuck here."
"Hmpf?"
"I can't do it alone!"
"Mmmpff.."
"Oh… I… I didn't want to get a Bonk from the machine. I just wanted to… I just have… I saw a mouse jump in here and I wanted to get it out."
"If you believe me, give me a sign."
Pyro reaches for his ax and holds it in both hands.
"W-what are you going to do?"
The pyromania makes a movement as if he would chop wood and then points to Scouts clamped arm.
"WHAT?! No way!"
But Pyro steps up to him with raised axe.
"No! Stop! HELP!"
"It's okay, Pyro. I think he has learned his lesson."
Scout looks incredulous when suddenly Medic stands next to him and lowers Pyro's arms.
"Thank you for your help."
"Mmpf."
"So, Scout. Just one day and you couldn't stand it anymore, hm?"
"I just wanted…"
"Don't tell me the lie with the mouse, too!"
Medic takes a small key out of his pocket with which he opens the machine.
"You got a key for that thing? As opposed of stealing money from Spy, I would have simply stole the key-" Medics' warning look makes Scout falter. "I mean borrow."
The Doc opens the front of the beverage dispenser and it catches the boy's breath as he sees that there is not a single can in it.
"What the…?"
"I knew that you were going to try that, so I took safety precautions."
He frees Scouts arm from the snapped trap. Immediately the boy pulls it out and rubs the sore point.
"I could have lost my arm!"
"Then I would have it sewn on back. Don't be such a baby." Medic helps Scout on his legs. "Here."
Suddenly, Medic holds a can out to Scout.
"W-what? Hehe. Have you accept that it's senseless to withhold my Bonk?"
"Not at all. I didn't say you could never consume again your pleasures. What has bothered me is that you have taken tons of this poison to you daily. But I don't mind that you smoke a cigarette once a day or drink your alcohol and energy drink. And if I'm honest-" Medic puts the can into the hand of the unbelieving boy. "You wouldn't be you without this stuff. It's a part of your personality. You drink the energy drinks, demo his alcohol and Spy is an avid smoker. So just you are. I don't want to change you. Absolutely not. If your values have become better, you may consume this stuff how you want. Until your values sink again into the cellar and I have to keep you in your place again."
"Wow… Thanks, Doc. You are OK."
Scout opens the can and takes a big slug.
"Nevertheless, during this time, you can learn to ration your drink a bit."
"Yeah, yeah. I'll be at your infirmary tomorrow to get my next Bonk."
The boy leaves and Medic and Pyro stay back alone. Medic sighs annoyed.
"This brat…"
"Mmpf. Mmh."
"Yes, one day he will learn it. At the latest when his kidneys go to hell. I better go and search for Spy and Demo, before the two also try something stupid to satisfy their addiction."
Spy stays at the outdoor area. With his arms crossed, he stands against the gateway to the garage and tries to ignore the trembling of his hands. He really tries to have understanding for their doctor that he's so worried about their health. But he will never survive the withdrawal symptoms which are now beginning. He remembers that Medic said he had a remedy. But Spy is far too proud, as he admits that he's feeling bad. In addition, only one thing helps against withdrawal symptoms. A cigarette!
He needs a cigarette now!
As a substitute, he had put a stalk in his mouth and chewed it on it for several minutes impatiently (a recommendation from Engineer). He did not think the bland taste could taste even more tasteless... And besides, who is he? A Cowboy?
"Pah…"
Suddenly a crab crosses his path. It just walks past him, ignoring Spy.
There are two things about this crab, why Spy is focusing on it.
First: It's a crab, in the middle of the desert.
Second: It holds a cigarette butt between one of its scissor.
He can hardly believe what he is about to do.
He spits out the stalk and walks towards the crustacean. He stands directly in front of the animal, blocks its path.
"So what have we got here?"
The crab changes direction, but Spy blocks its way again.
"Where are you headed? I'll let you go right away, but first let me take the cigarette. You cannot do anything with it anyway."
Spy bends down, reaches for the fag end, but the crab refuses to give him it.
"What the…? Give it to me!"
The crab holds the cigarette in its scissor, while Spy tries with all his might to snatch it from it.
"Merde… I can't stoop lower... AAAHHHH!"
The crustacean had snapped with its second pair of scissors and didn't let go. Spy shoots up and shakes his hand to cast off the crab, but it just doesn't let go.
"Let me go already, you seafood! When I'm done with you, you will end up in the cooking pot!"
"Now, now, Spy."
In spite of the pain the crab makes him, Spy looks around for the calm voice. Engineer comes up to him, takes the crab softly with one hand on the belly, while massaging the painful scissor with the other. Spy can't believe what he sees and is already calling for an outraged exclamation until the crab suddenly lets him go.
Swearing, the Spy rubs his aching fingers. Despite his leather gloves, the pain had penetrated to the lowest point.
"Now go your way, little friend."
Engineer puts the crustacean gently on the ground and it crawls away. With the cigarette.
Spy turns away as the Engineer turns to him. He is ashamed that he was caught in such embarrassing action.
"Spy, was that really necessary? Didn't you take a stalk, as I advised you?"
"Yes… Yes, I do. But you're not a smoker, Engineer. You don't understand this!"
The Texan lays an arm around the Frenchman. "Let's go to Medic. He's already looking for you."
"What does he want now again? This is all his fault."
"He takes care of us. And I think that you yourself know that smoking is not healthy."
"I am old enough to decide for myself what is good for me."
"Well, we are powerless against the doctor."
"Pah…"
Demoman looks around carefully. No one mustn't see him when he visits his secret hiding places, where he keeps some bottles of alcohol. He had really tried not to get weak. Although he knows that Medic is right, he just cannot pull himself together.
He sneaks into the bathroom, opens the toilet tank and takes a bottle of Scotch from there. He will particularly enjoy this bottle because after that he will have to deal with his bad conscience for a while.
Demos hands tremble as he opens it and takes a big sip. The base is big, yet he has the fear to be caught. How would be able to explain his betrayal to Medic? He would be very disappointed of him.
If alcohol were not so traitorous...
A sound in the corridor makes Demo flinch. He tries to pack the bottle back into the toilet tank, but in his panic the bottle bumps against the tank and with a rattling sound it breaks into pieces and the whole substance splash to the ground.
The Scotsman froze. But no one knocks at the toilet door. He had thought someone was nearby. Had he perhaps just imagined the sound in his nervousness? But somebody will use this toilet. Until then, the alcohol and its smell must have disappeared. First, Demoman wants to get a wipe, until another idea comes to him.
He stares down at the dark puddle.
Luckily, the floor in the toilets is always clean. But even if it were otherwise, he probably would have done this...
After driving several times with his tongue over the floor, he suddenly noticed a figure on the door. He scares, but turns his head slowly to the Merc. It's Soldier standing with arms crossed in the door.
"Oh er… Hi, led."
"What are you doing, Demoman?"
"…wipe the floor?"
"With your tongue?"
"…yes. I couldn't find any cloth."
Soldier enters the toilet, passes Demoman to a closet in the corner, opens it, and pulls out a mop from there.
"...a few minutes ago it wasn't there yet."
"That's enough, maggot!" Soldier grabbed Demoman by the neck collar and hoisted him back to the legs, whirling him around, grabbed him by the collar and shook him. "Don't take me for an idiot! You wanted to secretly drink alcohol! I have rarely seen soldiers with so little discipline!"
"I'm so sorry, lad! Really! I couldn't control myself."
"We're going to Doc."
"…"
"In spite of my express instructions, you have tried to pursue your addiction behind my back."
Demoman and Spy stand guilty before Medic, who walks up and down with his arms crossed on his back.
"I can understand that withdrawal symptoms seduce you into all sorts of stupidities, but you just could have come to me."
"I don't want syringes, tablets or nicotine patches", Spy grumbles.
"Of course not!" Medic walks over to his safe, opens it, and picks up something. Spy and Demoman look a bit stupid when the doctor gives them a bottle and a cigarette.
"What the…?"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Not at all. Every day you can have a bit."
"But why?"
"Well, Demo is not our Demo without his alcohol. The same is true for you, Spy. You're a smoker. We met you like this. I just want your values to get better again. But that does not work if you consume vast amounts of this stuff every day, do you understand?"
"I guess so…"
"You're right, Docteur."
"So that is clarified. Ration it well. There is only one per day. And there are no exceptions."
The same evening:
All 8 Mercs are sitting at the dining table in the dining room and wait for their food. Today, Medic is back in the kitchen, but he's a long time coming.
"Where is the Doc? I am getting hungry!"
"Easy, son. I'm sure, he will be finished soon."
"Aww! But he's been cooking for hours!"
"Food is ready!"
Medic enters the room with two plates in his hands.
"It's about time… Oh~"
One of the first plates is for Scout. On his is a bucket of crispy chicken legs.
"Wow! Cool! Thanks, Doc!"
Scout wants to start eating, but Medic holds him back. "I know how much you love this stuff, but wait for everyone to get their food. You know the rule."
"Oh, okay…"
The second plate is for Demoman. He cannot trust his eye when he sees a steaming haggis in front of him.
"Thanks, lad!"
"You're welcome."
Medic rushes back into the kitchen and comes back with two more special dishes. For Spy, he had prepared escargots and a glass of wine.
"I'm touched, Docteur."
Frequently you don't see Spy's joyful face, but he's really happy about this surprise meal.
Engineer is served next. He gets a big calf steak for dinner. Naturally with barbecue sauce.
"HEEYAWW! Thanks, Doc!"
Medic gives the engineer a smile and returns to the kitchen.
Sniper is served a large omelette. If he gets such a thing, it can mean only one thing.
"Is this…?"
"Right. This is an emu egg."
"Oh? No kangaroo balls for our Crocodile Dundee?" Scout laughs loudly, but he is ignored.
"How did you get it?"
"That's not the first time. You know the answer. It is and remains my secret."
The next dish gets Soldier.
"And for our war hero there is a simple bratwurst."
Soldier staring at the sausage on his plate.
"A German sausage? Are you serious?"
"Well, in Midwest USA the bratwurst is one of the most popular specialties. Don't act as if you wouldn't like it."
"….maggot."
With a satisfied smile, Medic returns to the kitchen a fourth time. This time he comes with a plate and a longdrink glass with a white liquid and a colorful drinking straw back.
The glass he sets before Pyro, who claps enthusiastically in the hands. The plate is placed on Medics seat. On it are a Wiener Schnitzel with fried potatoes and a hunter's sauce.
"Your food comes right now, Heavy."
"Da. Thank you, Doktor."
With just three plates Medic comes back into the dining-room. He stands next to Heavy and places the plates in front of his best friend. On the first is a double decker sandwich. The eyes of the Russians shine with joy. On the two other plates are Russian specialties, Pelmeni and Borschtsch.
"Good Appetite."
"But Doktor said I should make diet."
"Yes, is today a special day, that you take the time and cook our favorite food?"
"Of course today is a special day. It's Heavie's birthday."
"Heavy has birthday today?"
"All the best, mate."
The Mercs congratulate him cordially. Even if they do not always understand each other, they all show their love to each other on such days.
"Happy birthday, Heavy."
"Thank you, Medic…"
"You are welcome. And before I forget."
One again Medic goes away and comes back with a bottle, a Bonk can and a cigarette, which he reaches Demoman, Scout and Spy.
"But you said that we can have it only once a day and there is no exception."
"Except on birthdays. I thought I did not have to mention that. Finally, I make exceptions on every birthday."
"That's true."
Medic sits down next to Heavy."
"Enjoy the meal."
"Before we eat, we should give our dear Docteur three cheers.
"What!?"
All those who have a glass (and a bottle and a can) lift these into the air. The others simply raise their arms and call three times: "For he's a jolly good fellow! Hurrah!"
"I love dis Doktor!"
The whole table quivers as Heavy hits with vigor his big hands on the table top.
"Thank you, my friends. I love you, too. But I'm not the focus today."
"Yet, what would we do without you, Docteur?"
"Yeah! You're cool, man."
"We have the best doctor all over the world."
"Oh! Oh, I know. I know."
"We hope that you will retained for us eternally."
"I will. I would never cancel this job. Even if you often trying my patience, I would like nothing better than to do heal your wounds. I'm something like a father for you, don't I?"
"Well, you're more like a Mama for us" Scouts says.
"Oh? Hm. Alright. Just as well."
"I agree! After all, I am the father here!"
"Sit down, Soldier."
"Now start eating before it gets cold."
The Mercs tuck in. Medic watches them eat their food. He's filled with pride. He would also proudly claim to be the "Mama" of the team. When he came to them, they had underestimated him. But quickly he had earned their respects, and since then he's enjoy a high reputation.
Medic focuses his attention on Heavy. Normally, the Russian gobbles his food. But Medics dishes he eats slowly. He enjoys it.
Their eyes meet and Heavy gives the doctor a friendly smile and Medic smiles back. The Mercs have long been no more friends for the German, but his family. Here is his home and this will never ever change.
