Sorry for the wait you guys (that's the new chorus here…)
Thanks for all the alerts, reviews and favorites, it really means a lot :)
Disclaimer: Glee belongs to Ryan Murphy and Fox (I guess), Postsecret belongs to Frank Warren, and if you don't know what it is I suggest you try it out (and become addicted!) postsecret[.]com
…
"I have a favor to ask," Kurt says in the middle of May.
Finn looks at his brother warily, you never know what he's up to until it's too late to say no, so he mumbles a non committed "uh?"
"I need you to babysit Alexander McQueen."
"Uh?" this time he's listening.
Kurt sighs then, taking courage, "Flavio-is-taking-me-to-Italy-in-June-to-meet-his-parents."
"Oh, wow," Finn gapes, "I didn't realize it was that serious between you two!"
"Neither did I," he shakes his head, "I mean, I love him and we did make long term plans, but I think that's it, you know?"
He knows.
He's seen his brother get heartbroken when things ended with Blaine and then have a couple short term liaisons, until he met this Italian dude a couple of years ago. He never thought too much of it until now, and he realizes, looking at Kurt now, with the flush in his cheeks and his genuine smile, that this might very well be the real thing.
And he's happy for him, really. So he hugs the shorter man and they laugh together at how much Kurt is finally happy.
"So will you do it?" Kurt asks again and Finn has to concentrate really hard to figure what he's talking about.
"Alex?" he repeats, "will you take care of him?"
Finn does a double take as it finally hits him, Kurt's asking him to dogsit his beloved Dalmatian.
"How long are you going?" he ventures nervously. He likes dogs but this one's not the easiest one and, considering the size of it, requires bi-daily one hour walks.
Kurt bites his bottom lip, which isn't really a good sign, before he answers. "We're leaving early June…"
Finn's gulps. He knows what this means.
And sure enough Kurt adds: "we'll be back in August."
Finn grunts. That's his whole summer vaporizing before it has even begun. And he knows there's no way he can deny his brother. The guy has helped him too much this year.
"I have classes dude!" Finn tries.
"I know that, I thought you could take my baby to your place until the school-year ends then live here," he gestures his hand as if to show his gigantic condo, "for as long as you wish. I know you love being here in the summer."
It's the truth. New York is usually too hot but it's nothing compared to his tiny apartment with no AC. And the condo is right by the park too, that would be a great summer of getting lazy there, he could even catch a play of two… No. Let's not think about that.
"I don't know, Kurt," he really tries but his brother's Bambi's eyes and the fact that he does like it here have him capitulate before he even has time to fight.
"You owe me one…" he pretends to sound angry but he's too happy for Kurt and really, beside going back to Lima, it's not like he had any plans. And his mom and Burt could totally drive over for a couple of days.
"Oh, Rachel will be so happy, she was scared I'd end up asking her…" Kurt trails, realizing his mistakes as he sees Finn freeze.
"I'm not meeting with her." He states, his jaw clenched.
"No, I know, I wasn't implying anything." Kurt says, almost wanting to cry, "but we did talk about Alexander McQueen."
"Okay." Finn hopes the conversation is over, but it's however overlooking Kurt's abilities to read him like an open book.
"Maybe you should,"
"NO!" he cuts before Kurt has time to say anything.
"Finn…"
"Kurt," he says wearily, pinching the bridge of his nose. He doesn't even know what to think anymore.
He's stopped thinking about her.
He forgot her fingers in his hair.
And her scent has vanished from his favorite T-Shirt. He's not even sure he'd recognize it anymore.
If he didn't still have that sample she left behind, with his heart. And maybe she has switched perfumes anyways.
Okay, so he has been thinking about her a lot lately. But Kurt doesn't need to know that.
Except of course, he does.
"Maybe it's time to bury the hatchet?" he hears Kurt say.
But there's not really a hatchet to bury. There was no animosity when they split. It was just over all of a sudden. No seeing her, no holding her, no talking to her or about her. It was just as if he had had to rip a page off a book and throw it away. And forget what was on it in the process. Only for once the memory he could never count on didn't let this go. And for a while he tried really hard to force himself, but the more he did, the more vivid the memories were. That's why he started to serial-date. To try and erase them by making new ones.
He's pretty sure Kurt knows that. Even if they never talked about it.
"She never wanted me here," he eventually says, swallowing painfully.
"Did she say that?" Kurt looks dubious.
"She never said a thing otherwise."
Kurt looks dumbstruck, terrified even.
They have never talked about what happened back then. Hell, Finn was so sorry for himself that he refused to talk to Kurt for almost a year.
"Did you read the letter?"
Finn has to rack his memory to understand what Kurt is talking about.
He didn't.
And as far as he knows the thing is still unopened in whatever one of his old books. (Okay, he knows exactly what page, what book, what shelf. She gave him the book after all.)
"What's the point," he says again. It's like his new motto.
He's not sure he likes it.
…
He forgets about it again. Tries to anyway.
It's the beginning of June and Kurt has just left for Florence with his Tuscan lover, leaving a distraught Alexander McQueen in the hand of a not so less distraught Finn.
He's walking the dog at Kearny March when he meets up with one of his kindergartners.
"Mr. Hudson!" The little boy runs up to him and holds his leg joyfully as his father joins them and shakes Finn's hand.
"That's a beautiful dog!" the man says, petting the Dalmatian.
"My brother's," Finn finds himself forced to explain. The man smiles kindly and starts to make small talk. The weather, school, the upcoming holidays. They are about the same age it seems. In another life they could have been friends.
"Do you have a wife?" the guy asks kindly.
Finn answers negatively and it seems the man is giving him a sad smile in return, saying something about "those little one not making themselves by magic". Finn nods pensively. He knows.
And just by magic he's thinking about Jewish babies with kippahs, and lox bagels for brunch.
He absentmindedly bides Paul's dad goodbye and makes his way home.
He drops Alex's leash to the floor the moment he walks the door and goes straight to his bookcase as the dog settles in his basket.
He picks up the book and finds the letter where he left it nine years ago.
The moment he finishes to read it he's yelling at Kurt on the phone, not caring in the least what this phone call to Italy will cost him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he stresses.
"Because I promised not to," Kurt sounds calm but Finn wonders if it's just a façade as he hears quiet sniffles on the other side of the line.
"I promised her I wouldn't, like I promised you I wouldn't tell her about Hunter College."
Finn stays silent, trying to comprehend what he's hearing as Kurt goes on.
"I almost lost both of you that year," Kurt says, "she didn't want you to chose her over your future, like you didn't want her to back out of her dreams for you, but you were both so stubborn that no matter the hints we tried to send you, you both refused to see what was right in front of you." Finn has to lean against the wall for support. He is stubborn. That cost him her. Twice.
Kurt goes on though and it's even harder to hear now, "after she left you refused to talk to me, and she didn't want me to talk to her about anything Lima-related. So I vowed to stay silent, because I couldn't lose the two of you. It took so long for you to talk to me again that I kept my promise, even though it killed me to see the mistakes you were making. It killed me to see what happened to you that year. Both of you."
Finn's not sure what his brother is talking about but he apologizes all the same, until Kurt calms down.
"You wouldn't listen to anything, Finn, believe me, we tried."
Turns out his mom knew everything.
"But your mind was set, and eventually you let her go, however bad you felt about this."
"I didn't let her go," Finn realizes, "I pushed her away…"
He wishes Kurt a great vacation, regretting his outburst and getting an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.
It's only when he reads the letter a second time that he allows himself to cry.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
My dearest Finn,
I was hoping to see you there today, to properly say goodbye. I never want to say goodbye. I need you to know this last year has been the most beautiful of my life. The happiest.
I wish it didn't have to stop. I wish you would have come to New York with us. I was hoping we'd find a way around everything. That we could still be together, but we never talked about it. I know you don't like the city and that's why I didn't press you to come with me. I wanted it to be your choice, your decision. But you never said a thing so I understood it wasn't what you wanted. And you've always been so fervent about me going that I just couldn't not. So here I am at the airport, wishing that you'd be there so I could tell you in person, but you're not. I understand too because seeing you again would make it so much more difficult for me to go, so at least it's a clean break.
I hope in my heart that you will revise your opinion and consider joining us in the Big Apple.
If ever you feel there is still a chance for us to be together, meet me in Central Park, you know where and when, I'll be waiting for you.
I hope you know how much I love you; you have to believe that I always will hold you dearly in my heart, even if we're never to meet again.
Take care Finn, and have the best of lives.
I love you, always.
Your
Rachel*
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
They avoid each other all summer. Or not so much avoid as not seek out, which in the end is the same because they still don't see each other. But he's convinced she's avoiding him, because she could totally have come to a slumber party with Kurt, or gone to the public pool, or the mall. But she didn't. He should know, he checked, not that he would admit it.
He tried to ask Kurt without asking, tried to glean information on her whereabouts without his brother being the wisest, but he's come up empty handed; because Kurt is smarter than him and sees right through him and refuses to play his game.
He knows from a conversation he overheard between his mom and stepbrother that she's supposed to leave on the second to last week of August. Kurt will follow a week after. So far the plan for them is to live on campus, him at NYU, Rachel at Julliard, and maybe in a year or two, if they can find jobs, eventually share an apartment.
Had he chosen to go to Hunter he would have joined them, they might have started the cohabitation right away.
He hates to think about that.
He's not grounded anymore, his mom lifted the punition the moment she heard of the breakup (not from him). But she didn't ask about it. She learned not to the hard way the last time they broke up, the first time, whatever, the winter before last. He can't believe he lost so much time. Maybe if he had forgiven her sooner, or if he hadn't dated Quinn again…
He hates "maybes".
So now he refuses to talk about her, he doesn't want to hear about OSU. He's asked them to hold his acceptance for a year, to the huge dismay of his mom. But deep down he knows she understands.
He makes Kurt promise not to tell anyone, meaning Rachel, about it either. Like he'd made him promise not to tell about Hunter. He knows he'll keep his promise. Even if sometimes he hopes he wouldn't.
…
The day she's supposed to leave Kurt comes find him in his bedroom.
The temperature there is unbearable but he hasn't set foot outside in a while and has no intention to for the rest of his life. He knows what day it is, he's been counting them down since they broke up. He's wished so hard she would turn around and come knocking on his door he actually is disappointed when he sees his brother standing on the threshold.
"You're coming with me," Kurt says. And Finn knows it means to the airport, to say goodbye. But he refuses point blank, there's no way he's going there to be reminded of what could have been, to see her, maybe even cry in front of her and still not be able to be with her. So he shoves Kurt out as gently as he can, considering he has nothing against the guy, and plunges face first on his bed, resuming the mourning, the funk, he's been in all summer long.
"You'll regret it," Kurt whispers, shaking his head and fighting back tears.
"I already do," comes Finn's muttered reply from the depth of his pillow.
…
When Kurt comes back he hears him tell their mom that she waited for the longest time before boarding; that it was obvious she was waiting for someone. He doesn't want to hear about it so when he goes out and sees their concerned faces and inquisitive stares he invents some play-date with Puck (even though he knows they both know he's not in town) and leaves the house.
He doesn't get back before everyone is in bed and sleeping. There's no way he can sleep though. He keeps thinking about what would have happened if he'd gone. Or if he had told her about Hunter. Or if they had tried long distance.
He HATES "ifs".
…
He gets the letter two days later.
He just can't read it.
He considers throwing it away but in the end he opens the copy of the Postsecret book she gave him for his birthday and shoves the letter inside.
…
Hold on
This may hurt you when I tell you of the truth
We don't get two lives to live
It's true
The only fault I've found in you is not being free to take what I would give
If I could bend your pain into something good
Make you a prouder man
If I could rough you up then save you with good luck
And show you hope again
Hold on
You weren't meant to suffer so very long
Leaving love that's gone has never been a sin
Hang tight
The only fault you have tonight is shutting down so cold 'til I break in
(The only fault, Rachael Yamagata)
…
TBC…
Reviews are love as they say, hint, hint! ;)
