CHAPTER 2:
B-WITCHED
Wuffles found himself increasingly perturbed. This was, understandably, not a common state of affairs for the Incubator, but then again, this assignment had been one of many firsts. In fact, he was sure that most of the hive mind back home was sitting back and eating popcorn while watching his misery and Luna's antics.
There were many good reasons for Wuffles' perturbed state. The first was Luna's zeal. She took to fighting Witches in much the same way as a hungry man might take to eating a roasted chicken. The odd thing was, she showed little bloodlust. In fact, she treated the whole thing as if it was a game she was playing with the Witches and their Familiars.
The second thing was that occasionally, Luna would spare the Witches. She seemed to know what they were, and seemed to have a gift for making some simply retreat. Wuffles simply could not believe that the Witches would simply give up, though, and yet, that was what they were doing. On the one occasion he even tried to broach the subject with her, she had said, "All I did was make them apologise and swear not to do it again."
The third thing was that, frustratingly, she managed to find ways of preventing Wuffles from approaching Ginny. Every time, it seemed to be accidental or coincidental, but there was a human saying: once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, and the third time is enemy action.
The fourth thing was what happened when Wuffles, frustrated after the fifth time Luna 'accidentally' stopped him from approaching Ginny (she had trod, very painfully, on his tail), touched her Soul Gem and inflicted her with all the pain she should have felt during her fights with the Witches. The scream she emitted had been very satisfying…up until Wuffles stopped. Upon which she asked for another dose. He didn't know whether it was because she was a masochist, or whether she was unnerving him through some psychological warfare. With her, he would never know.
(It was the latter: there was a reason Luna was Sorted into Ravenclaw, after all)
The fifth thing was that she didn't seem to be using her Grief Seeds. She merely seemed to be collecting them. Of course, it was inevitable that Luna would turn into a Witch, the same as every other Magical Girl, and that was the way the system worked. But Wuffles had a very bad feeling that Luna turning into a Witch was a Very Bad Idea™. It was something he only really realised upon actually making her into a Magical Girl, and he knew that the hive mind was hoping he'd get caught up in the inevitable chaos that would bloom upon Luna spawning a Witch, if only for the entertainment value. So much for the hive mind being united, stoic, and emotionless. They were waiting to see him mess up so that they could point and laugh.
The sixth thing seemed to be when she travelled to a secret location she shouldn't have been aware of (according to the wizards and witches there), went up to Harry Potter, tapped him lightly on the forehead with her wand (which had transformed into something larger, more elaborate, and more Magical Girl-like, which was one of the few things about Luna that Wuffles approved of), and had said, "The Power of Luna compels you! The Power of Luna compels you!" Whereupon Harry collapsed in pain, and started oozing a vile black liquid from the scar on his forehead. The net result being that Harry was purged of a Horcrux, Dumbledore had some serious explaining to do (and wanted to ask Luna how the hell she managed to bypass a Fidelius Charm), and both Wuffles and Voldemort had major migraines with Luna causing them. Of course, with Voldemort, it was the pain of having a Horcrux destroyed, while with Wuffles…it was Luna being Luna.
Oh, and she brought back a painting of a woman with the voice of a banshee and the personality of a toxic waste dump. Wuffles eventually begged Luna to torch it, which she did with a serene smile. Apparently, in gratitude for torching the portrait of his venomous mother, Sirius Black would send Luna a basket of fruit and the first say in the naming of his firstborn, should he ever settle down. Luna had decided on Fornax(1), given the astronomical nomenclature of the Blacks' forenames. She didn't know that the last time a Black had been called Fornax, they had died of sexual exhaustion before they reached 25.
Sirius hoped to go out the same way as his great grand-uncle, though he would never beat that record.
Anyway, the upshot was that Luna was a loose cannon. No, worse than that. She was like an armed nuclear weapon on an impact trigger, rolling around loose in the back of a bomber. And unfortunately, Wuffles couldn't exactly retreat from outside of the blast area, especially as the hive mind kept making 'bwark-bwark' noises at him.
It was surprising how little time it took for Luna, then, to cause her Soul Gem to become a Grief Seed. As it turned out, though, it was no accident.
Wuffles was staring at Luna in horror. "What do you mean, you're doing this deliberately?"
"Exactly what I thought I meant. Your hive mind must have a major infestation of wrackspurts."
"But…why would you do such a thing?"
"To see what happens, of course," Luna said.
"But…what about your friends? Don't you care about what happens to them when your Soul Gem gets completely darkened?!" Not that Wuffles cared: this was just some emotional blackmail.
"Of course I care. That's why I think everything will be just fine."
Wuffles' response was cut short (was he about to shout out a warning, or an expletive? We shall never know) when everything went…well, not white. More like multi-coloured and weird, like a rainbow suffering from terminal dysentery.
In her crystal ball, Trelawney stared at what lay within. She peered myopically at the image within the ball. All she wanted was to try and get some lottery numbers for the nth time, and she was getting some ominous message in blood-red eldritch letters. It took her a moment to translate the message as 'THE DESTROYER IS MANIFEST'(2).
After realising the import of the message, she checked her hip flask to see whether she had started drinking this morning. Having realised that, unhappily, this was not the case, she resolved to remedy that situation forthwith. Inebriation would hopefully help her cope with the impending doom of the world…
Dumbledore, who was still recovering from having to explain to Harry that whole thing with the Horcrux, was trying to relax with some sherbet lemons, until Fawkes emitted a keening wail. Then, the Sorting Hat began singing an ominous chorus in Latin.
Estuans interius
Ira vehementi
Estuans interius
Ira vehementi
Dark Luna!
Dark Luna(3)!
Dumbledore sincerely hoped that this was NOT going to be the Hat's song for the year. All the same, he got a foreboding shiver down his spine when he heard that song…
Inside the Black home at 12 Grimmauld Place, Sirius, Harry, Hermione and Ron stared at Kreacher as the House Elf began wailing. "She has come! The Queen of Discord has come! Her advent will mean chaos sweeping across the lands!"
"Is he always like this?" Hermione asked.
"Actually, no," Sirius said. "This'd be entertaining if it weren't so bloody ominous."
The Weasley twins looked at each other. "Do you feel that, Forge?"
"I do, Gred. As if there's a disturbance in the Discordian Force."
"As if a thousand million voices cried out 'Oh crap!', Forge?"
"Indeed, Gred. Is this what getting religion is like?"
In the bowels of Gringotts, the bowels of the Goblins were rumbling in fear. And given that the Goblins were very much a warrior race now devoted to banking, this was actually quite an achievement.
The Centaurs peered up at the sky. It was morning, of course, so technically they couldn't see any stars. But they still did, and whatever they could see in a starless morning sky, it was something that inspired them with fear.
Even Bane, the most belligerent and headstrong of the Centaurs, was frightened. Especially given what the signs foretold. He fought back a shudder. The Centaurs…made to give pony rides to that…abomination…
Peeves, the resident poltergeist of Hogwarts, and undisputed top dog prankster, no matter what the Marauders or the Weasley twins thought, was one of the few beings aware of what was happening…and wasn't actually worried. Oh, he was afraid, but in the same way as one would be afraid when one's god was coming into being.
"Peeves awaits his mistress most humbly," he said, audibly, knowing that the ghosts and staff of Hogwarts would be unnerved.
Around the world, puddings briefly achieved self-awareness for all of 1.3 seconds, long enough to shudder in fear.
When the light faded, Wuffles was very surprised to find he was still alive. And in one piece. And more or less sane. Of course, technically, being an offshoot of a hive mind, that meant little, as his body, should he be killed, could be reformed quite easily. So it should be impossible for him to die.
Then again, Luna had a knack of making the impossible possible.
Case in point, she was standing in front of him, as if nothing had happened. And the thing was, something should have happened. She should be little more than a remnant body, trapped in her own Witch form. Instead, no Witch, unless you counted the little Bitch in front of him.
"…That was interesting," Luna said. "Tasted like purple."
"It was, wasn't it? But I personally think it tasted like magenta."
Wuffles froze. That was NOT her voice, and it was NOT coming from behind him. These truths were self-evident, because if they weren't, then he was either insane, or about to be plunged into a whole new world of madness.
"Oh dear, I think we broke Wuffles," Luna said.
"Does he come with a warranty card?" the voice that didn't exist spoke from nowhere, and certainly not from behind him.
"Hmm. I don't know. He did come with those earrings, though. Maybe they're to repel wrackspurts."
"Or to defend against heliopaths."
"Hmm. Nice theory. Maybe we should test it. So, what should I call you, anyway? Sister? Luna? I mean, it might get confusing if someone calls for Luna and we both say 'yes?', and while we love more than a little confusion, well, it's like nuclear power. You can use it for good or evil, but you don't want any of it getting on you(4)."
"Hmm, good point. I don't think Dark Luna works well, despite the hair colour. And the eyeshadow. How did I get eyeshadow, anyway? I only just got this corporeal form. Or these clothes, too. I mean, I like black lace and all, but even so, where did I get it all from?"
"…Maybe the Nargles stole them from someone else and gave them to you as you were forming."
"Well, that's as good a theory as any. Now, nomenclature. Then, pudding…hmm…Luna One and Luna Two doesn't work. We sound like a Muggle space program." The non-existent owner of the voice Wuffles couldn't be hearing wasn't walking by him, and certainly didn't look like Luna Lovegood with black hair, very dark eye shadow, and a stylish witch costume in black, complete with a non-existent pointy hat. "Hmm…I'm partial to Eris, myself. You know, the goddess of discord. I mean, we love causing more than a little confusion in people, don't we?"
"Well, it's a pretty name. Okay, Eris it is!" Luna said, before hugging her non-existent Witch doppelganger.
Wuffles broke. Instead of accepting the existence of this clearly impossible situation, he stuck his paws in two of his four ears, and began chanting "Lalalalalalalalala!"
Unfortunately, two of his ears were still unblocked, and so he could hear the non-existent Eris say, "Is he chanting some spell?"
"I hope not. That can't be a valid thaumatological structure like that," Luna remarked.
"You don't exist! You can't exist!" Wuffles yelled, only to find himself picked up by the scruff of the neck by the non-existent Eris and peered at curiously.
"I thought denial was a river in Egypt?" Eris queried.
"Well, I guess he is broken. How was he to know that I would force the evolution of my Soul Gem just out of sheer curiosity? Or that it would have unexpected results? Actually, as far as dark sides are concerned, you're pretty cute."
"Thanks. It feels good to be alive. So, are we sisters, or clones, or what?"
"Dunno. Anyway, I think Wuffles here forgot the number one rule when dealing with me."
"Ooh, ooh, I know that one. Can we say it together?"
"Of course."
Then, the two iterations of Luna Lovegood, witch and Witch, said to Wuffles, in eerie unison, "I'm Luna Lovegood. When I hear the word impossible, I have to reach for the nearest dictionary."
Wuffles, with a whimper, was dropped to the floor, whereupon he curled up into a ball and cried. A few minds in the hive mind of the Incubators were sympathetic. More than a few pointed and laughed. Others still were horrified at what had just happened, and wondering whether they should kill Luna and Eris, or even whether they could succeed.
Meanwhile, Luna and Eris left the room. "Pudding?" Luna asked.
"Pudding. And then, I think I might write to Professor Dumbledore. With Umbridge gone, he'll need a new DADA instructor."
"That's so crazy, it might just work," Luna said. "I mean, you're a dark doppelganger of me based on a risky experiment in soul manipulation. We've had a narcissistic fraud, a nice werewolf, and a Death Eater masquerading as a paranoid retired Auror. You should be a great hit. Who knows, we might be able to get rid of the curse."
"I'll try eating it. Might taste interesting…"
They left the Incubator to shiver, curled up in a ball, crying softly to himself. But really, he had brought it upon himself. It was very much a self-inflicted injury.
Unfortunately, Hogwarts, and indeed the world, would never be the same again…
THE END?
Cue Music: Magia Quattro by Kalafina
CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:
Sadly, this will be the last chapter of Puella Magi Luna Magica. This was really only meant to be a one-shot or two-shot story, and while it may have some slight promise for an extended story, I don't think I could cope with the insanity. Still, I hope you enjoyed this trip into madness. I've gotten a few reviews of people enjoying this. This is certainly the shortest of my completed works.
Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed it!
1. There really is a constellation called Fornax. No, really. It's meant to be a furnace, believe it or not. I was looking for a constellation that sounded funny and vaguely dirty. This fit the bill perfectly.
2. I got this joke from 8-Bit Theater, namely Episode 397: Portents. A similar gag to what White Mage said was also used for the Weasley twins' exchange.
3. Obviously, this is a slight modification of the Latin lyrics of One-Winged Angel, the final boss battle music in Final Fantasy VII.
4. This joke came from a Dilbert cartoon, although instead of 'confusion', it was 'stupidity'.
