Oh, good old depression. And teenage angst.
Chapter 3
With angst I reply, "Whatever, no one gives a crap besides you."
Soda replied, his face surprisingly full of anger, "Ponyboy, why do you always say bull like that?"
"Because it's true!" I shouted. Soda just stared at me and then turned his back towards me.
"You know everyone in the gang adores you, even Darry. Even when you don't believe it. I didn't respond, I just laid down on the bed next to Soda. I turned away so he wouldn't see the silent tears slipping down my face. I guess my crying wasn't so silent after all because Soda turned so that he was facing me. "Why are you crying now, I was only trying to make you feel better!" Soda said quickly.
"It's not you," I whispered back, "I did something very bad."
I felt Soda tense up beside me, "Ponyboy," he said seriously, "What did you do?" I didn't say anything, I didn't want him to know. "Ponyboy!" he yelled loudly. A little too loudly. Darry came running in from down the hall.
"What the hell is going on in here?" Darry shouted. I couldn't tell them, I could just imagine their disappointed, worried stares. I didn't want to hurt them anymore. I hadn't figured out what I was going to say. So I ran. Darry tried to grab me and push me back down on the bed but I slipped through the narrow gap between Darry and the that moment I hated myself, I hated myself more than I ever had. I hated myself for running instead of facing my problems, for always being a crybaby instead of handling things like a man like everyone else. I hated for causing so much disappointment and worry for Darry and Soda. And most of all, I hated myself for what I had done, I had betrayed my friends and my family. All of the people I love.
That's when I saw the lake. It was the middle of winter so the lake was covered in a thin sheet of ice. At that intense moment, I knew I wanted to die. So, I tried. I ran to the lake and, without stopping, I launched myself off of the muddy water's edge, through the sheet of ice, into that frigid cold water. I was completely underwater in a matter of seconds. The minute I hit that frigid water, I couldn't breathe. I let myself sink, closed my eyes and remembered all of the good times I've had in my fourteen years. My lungs were burning, screaming, begging for air. Every inch of my body was convulsing violently. I was becoming numb. I had only been in the water for two minutes. I let the blackness blur my vision. I felt a floating sensation, as if I was slipping out of my body. 'This is it,' I thought, 'I want to let go. No more gangs, no more anything. The blackness was almost completely surrounding me, but not before I felt a hand grab my t-shirt. No, no, no!' I screamed silently, 'Let me go, leave me here to die.' Then everything went black.
...Angst.
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-Clara-bear6
