Another shot!
The gardenia symbolizes a hidden love, while kept secret, it cannot grow or flourish. Gardenias are white, pure…much like the love they represent. However, secret love can become disheartened and bitter. It is unrequited.
More than anything that person wants their love to be reciprocated. Therein lays the problem, however. The love is so entrenched within that they can't let it out. They can't reveal how they feel because they fear rejection too much. The very thought that their love might turn away, might abandon them forever, is simply too much to stand. It's better this way. Better to stand off to the side. Just close enough…no, never close enough.
"Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there."
That wasn't right. Dreams could be so vivid, so real. In dreams, they could build a life. A life where they were loved. A life where the one they reached for was right there. They could touch them. They could love them…and they were loved. Loved like they always hoped they would be…like they had desperately wanted to be.
They were loved in the way they had always imagined. They had wasted away their days imagining it.
Yes, waking up was terrible. After a while though, it was as if they didn't. There was a dreamy haze all around. It dulled the ache of waking up alone. Because this way they could see them now…a vision in their head. It's as real as they could ever hope it could be. They want to reach out; they try to reach out. But they can't. They're too far now. She is too far now. It's been too long and he can't. He's tried…no one has tried harder than him.
Because even if he could have before, it's too late now. He can't reach. He can't reach her.
In his dreams, she's as close as she can get. But she's not real. She'll never be real. Maybe they're right after all.
...
"Perhaps a great love is never returned."
A tall dark-haired man set down a bouquet of gardenias at the base of a grave. He knelt down and traced the carvings on the stone. Biting his lip, he crossed his legs and sat in front of it like he had so many times before. He rarely spoke; he simply watched and remembered. Remembered what had been and what hadn't.
Vivek clenched his eyes shut and forcefully sucked in air. It never failed; it had been four years now and his lungs always seemed to close up when he came here to visit her. It usually disappeared after a moment, but the sensation was uncomfortable just the same.
He came here quite often. Too often, some might say. He didn't care what they said.
He fingered the petals on the white flower and sat the way he always did. Something was bothering him today, though. He knew what it was, and he tried to shove it out of his mind. As if life wasn't hard enough, he didn't need to make sweeping speeches to the wind.
His eyes trailed over the name on the marker. Tasha Sharma. Only 28 years old. How the hell was that fair? How was it even remotely fair? It wasn't damn it. Not fair at all.
This time, Vivek exhaled forcefully. It didn't help to get angry. It didn't help at all. He couldn't stop it though. Just like he couldn't help visiting her grave regularly. Just like he couldn't seem to keep the words he'd always wanted to say out of his mind right now.
It didn't matter now, right? She couldn't hear him. In his dreams, Tasha knew. She knew how much he loved her. How much he missed her still.
It was her birthday today. She would have turned 33.
Vivek could see her, sort of. In his mind's eye, she was smiling at him with an amused expression on her face. The way she had looked at him so many times before. She had been waiting for him to say something. Maybe. He had no way of knowing that now.
"Vivek."
Vivek looked up at the voice. Frederick stood over the grave, holding a bouquet of yellow roses. He smiled wryly at the gardenias Vivek had placed.
"Very fitting." His tone was miserable with traces of loneliness.
Without uttering a single word, Vivek sighed and stood up. "Sorry..Sir..I get back to work.."
Vivek was about to get up when Frederick pressed his hand on his shoulder as he eyed the sub inspector in front of him.
"Don't worry about it..ACP Sir knows where you are and besides there is no much work for today and If anything comes, I will handle it. You stay here.." Vivek didn't responded, he just stared at the empty space.
Frederick set his flowers in front of the marker. "Happy Birthday, Tasha."
He looked at Vivek, who was still staring spacing out. Frederick knew that he should move on so that they could have some time together. so without speaking much he turned to leave when something passed his mind and he turned half-way towards Vivek.
"You should tell her. She would have wanted to know."
Vivek looked at him sharply.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You do. You know you should. Just tell her."
Vivek didn't say anything and simply turned away. Frederick sighed and began walking away before stopping.
"You've got to forgive yourself and move on, Vivek.."
He heard a sharp intake of breath but the inspector kept walking anyway.
Vivek was once again sitting cross-legged in front of her grave.
"I'm sorry." He said quietly and gazed down at the flowers he had brought her. "I'm sorry I never told you I loved you."
He grasped his hands tightly and tried to soothe the nervous knot that had formed. It was morbidly funny. Even now, he still found it hard to tell her everything.
"I've loved you all along. It's ridiculous, really. The moment I saw you at CID bureau's entrance, I knew I fell for you.. You were beautiful. I never told you that either. I always thought you were beautiful."
"I should have told you all of this before. You deserved to know it even if you didn't feel the same way. I wanted you too, though. Did you? I don't know. I guess I never will."
"It's still no excuse. I could just never seem to get the words out." Vivek swallowed roughly and paused for a moment.
"I was afraid. Afraid that you'd never want me. I couldn't blame you either. .But I loved you more than anyone ever could have. I still love you more than anyone could."
His hands were shaky now.
"You shouldn't have followed her. In fact you should have never gone to arrest her..You should have never got into that fight, the fight which took your.." Vivek clenched his eyes shut and tried to rid the images from his mind.
"You were always like that. Trying to protect everyone. Everyone you cared about. You didn't want to lose anyone again. Why didn't you let me protect you? I should have told you…I should have been there during the arrest..We were partners…" Vivek choked, it was horrible for him to remember all these things once again.
He rubbed his temples. He'd never voiced any of this. "I was so stupid. I know that now. Hell, I knew that then. I was just afraid. Look what that got me. The thing is I don't know whether you loved me but if you did…then I can't help but think about all we could have had."
There was so much they could have had. So many things he could only dream of now.
"If you didn't…I still wish I had told you. I would have stayed though. I would never have left you because you were my best friend. If you didn't love me, I would have figured out a way."
"That's what I miss about you most. The fact that we were always together. That's why I keep coming here. I miss you. I wanted you around all the time then, and I still do. That's why four years later, I'm still here. I need you."
Vivek stood. "I'm going to be here because the truth is I don't want to go. I can't forgive myself because I owe you too much."
"I can't move on, and I can't forget you. I don't want to, either. I can still see you."
He swallowed roughly again and took a few steps back. "I love you. I'll be back soon, ok? Happy Birthday...Tasha"
The sun was setting and patches of crimson red and orange patterned the sky. The remaining light traced his shadow along the grass. Vivek turned around and slowly began to walk back to his car. He would return, he promised to her silently but along with he knew that He would wait for her, till they both see each other again and he knew that even she would wait for him, even if it is in the Afterlife. He knew she would.
AN
Thank you for the reviews :)
It really meant lot!
I hope you like it, if not you can always mention it in the review section.
Aditi, I will work on your idea, if some theme pops in my mind.
Also the Gardenia flowers, I don't know If they are available in India are not, but I used it in the OS after reading "Flowers for Occasions" in that they have mentioned that the Gardenia Flowers are given to people to tell them they are special/ loved ones, hence used the idea here. :)
