Disclaimer: I do not own Peanuts or Charlie Brown.

Don't Press The Button On The Plot Device!

Chapter 3 - Purple Prose and Radioactive Barf

There was nothing for Natsume to do. He could not think of one way to cause mischief around Alice Academy. Then, an odd purple-coloured ray hit him. Ignoring the slightly mauve-tinted ray that contained hints of amethyst and lavender (since incredibly peculiar incidents always occur at the prestigious Alice Academy), which had just fatefully collided with him, the irascible Natsume Hyuga continued to contemplate different ways to cause chaos.

Maybe he could conjour up an intense, scorching flame that could slowly burn and melt the kitchen into smithereens of lost culinary delights. But then, Natsume's sensitive ear picked up a piercing screech.

"Aiya!" it screeched "My magical bubbling dragonfruit and venison trifle has destroyed the kitchen! How will I ever be a great chef now?"

Natsume realized the girlish voice belonged to Anna Umenomiya, who had rose-coloured tresses which fell gracefully down to her chest, and eyes that were an absolutely gorgeous shade of aquamarine.

Now what was he going to do? He couldn't cause the kitchen to be burned like the walls that surrounded Troy, because at had already been decimated by a callous young female who created an abominable desert. Before Natsume could think of anymore ideas, a flashing crimson ray of light sped towards him.

A pair of puerile, sandy blond-haired, possible hetrosexual life partners, known to all as Koko and Kitsuneme (despite the fact that those were not their real names), sauntered up to Natsume.

"Hey, Natsume, what'cha doin?" the two goofish fellows chanted in unison. But they too had to suffer the raging wrath of the crimson light beam. They all started to angst.

"My life is so miserable," thought Natsume, "Despite the fact that I am the most gorgeous kid in my whole class, with my ruby-coloured orbs and shining midnight hair, as well as being a so-called genius despite the fact I never, ever do my homework or study. My alice is one of the best and most powerful, even if that means I am locked up in the horrid Alice Academy. I have my own fangirl club, and a higher star-ranking that that nerd Yuu Tobita, but yet I am still not happy. Why? Why? Because, of my undying love for the beauteous Mikan Sakura. With her irises of chocolate and her hair of honey-brown, her kind and caring personality, and her polka-dot underwear. But alas, she doesn't love me. She is oblivous to how I feel!"

"Natsume?" asked Mikan, interrupting his thoughts, "Were you just hit by an angst ray that causes you to angst randomly?"

"How do you know?" exclaimed Natsume, ignoring what she said about the angst ray.

"Well, you have little thought bubbles coming out of your head that have all your thoughts in them, for all the world to see!" she replied.

"What?" yelled Koko, "Are you telling me my mind-reading alice and I have been rendered obsolete? No! No!"

Koko fell to the ground and broke down into tears.

"At least they haven't invented flying machines yet!" chirped Kitsuneme.

"Yes they have!" bawled Koko, "Haven't you heard of airplanes? You've been obsolete for at least a hundred years longer than I have!"

"Waaaaaaaaaah!" Kitsuneme cried as tears ran down his face, and he crumbled to the ground like Koko and the Berlin wall had.

"Forget about those two, Natsume," said Mikan, "Look, I know how you hate alice academy, but look at it this way. There are poor children in Africa who can't get an education. You should be grateful! Shame on you!"

"Stop using cliche ways to nag me, polka-dots." Natsume retorted.

"And," she continued, "your alice is excellent. You could have a much worse alice, like radioactive barf." Mikan's voice remained serious throughout.

Before Natsume could respond, Mochu galavanted in.

"Guys, I might as well tell you the truth. My real name is Charlie Brown and I am dying of cancer. I will no longer be on the earth as of three months, and I probably would of ascended to a higher plane of existence!"

"IF I HAD RADIOACTIVE BARF I COULD USE IT TO CURE MOCHU!" screamed Natsume.

"Dude, that's so gross! Besides, I don't think chemotherapy works that way." Mochu said in a deadpan tone, "I'm not really dying of cancer and I'm not Charlie Brown. I was just trying to make fun of how ridiculous you guys look angsting."

"NOW PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF OUR ANGST! WAAAAAAH! OUR LIVES ARE HORRIBLE!" chorused Koko, Kitsuneme and Natsume.

"Mochu," wimpered Koko, "Is it true that people now have thought-bubbles?"

"No." answered Mochu.

"Then how did Mikan know about all the pain and suffering I'm going through?" Natsume asked.

"I just guessed!" giggled Mikan.

END OF CHAPTER 3

A/N: If you couldn't guess it, the purple ray was a "purple prose ray". And yes, the red ray was a pointless angst ray. Oh, and I did not mean to offend anyone who has had cancer or knows someone suffering from the disease in this chapter.