"Unbelievable." I said to myself in anger. "Un-bloody-beliavale." I repeated as I hit my shoe against the wall in an attempt to put the hell back. I had just broken it in the middle of Alice's wedding.
"This is fantastic. Simply fantastic." I said once again, hitting it a little harder. Finally, my hand ached and I stopped for a little, leaning my back against the wall I had been previously beating.
A knock on the door sounded. "It's taken!" I said, my voice a little resented.
"I know. I just came to check on you. Are you alright?"
My eyes widened in confusion as I kept staring at the door. I knew that voice; it was the guy from the wedding, my formed stalker at Hogwarts, the guy I didn't know the first name; Potter.
Weird, I thought. He hadn't spoken to me after the ceremony. We had shared a few glances while we were eating, smiled at each other too, but other than that, nothing happened. Not even a simple "How's it going?"
And then Gideon, a friend, took me to dance. And then I switched pairs at least three times. And then my heel broke, what led me to where I was: the girls' bathroom.
"Lily?"
"Yeah, I'm okay." I answered, bored.
"Can I come in?"
I raised an eyebrow at the door. "You want to come in?"
"Yes, can I?"
I shrugged, too disappointed with my beautiful broken shoe to bother. "Whatever." I said, unlocking the door and then retrieving back to my place leaning on the wall.
"So…" he started, "Whatch'a doing here?"
I pointed to my broken heel that was resting over the sink. "It broke. I have no shoe." I said, pointing to my naked feet.
He looked at me seriously for some seconds before laughing. "You're kidding me, right?"
"No… Why would I?" I said, a little hurt that he thought the situation was funny. It was not funny not to have a shoe!
"If I didn't know better, I'd say you had never studied at Hogwarts, let alone be the Head Girl." He said, taking his wand out of his pocket and smiling, picking up my broken shoe. "Reparo." He said, and, just like that, it was as new.
I groaned. "Great. Now I feel stupid." I said. How could I not remember I had my wand with me all the time and could have it fixed in one second with no major stress? Wait… maybe that was what Mary was trying to say when I ran to the bathroom… great.
"I'd feel stupid too." He said, smirking.
I looked at him disbelieving before laughing. "I see you didn't change at all." I told him as he kept holding my beautiful shoe.
"The same can't be said about you. The only things I recognize are the eyes and the hair colour." He said, smiling.
"I didn't change that much." I answered, "I'm only older. So… what have you been up to? Three years is a lot of time to be away from someone who was your stalker."
He laughed. "I was kind of obsessed with you, wasn't I? But who'd blame me? You were a hot chick."
My jaw dropped. "Potter!" I said, "Seriously, you really haven't changed!"
"I'm kidding, Evans." He said, "Don't fret."
I smiled. "Call me Lily. And I'm not fretting. Especially because I'm happy you fixed my shoe." I told him.
"I'll call you Lily if you call me by my first name too."
I laughed. He just had to say that, didn't he? "I'm sorry, I can't." I said.
He frowned. "Why not? Still relying on old grudges? School was long ago, Lily."
"It's not that," I said, shaking my head. "It's… more complicated than that."
"What is it then?" he asked me, curiously.
"I… I can't remember your first name." I told him, not looking him in the eyes. It was embarrassing, to say the least.
"You can't?" he asked, somewhat shocked.
"No, sorry. I've tried everything to remember, but I just can't." I said, finally looking at him.
He sighed and smiled. "Okay, I can't blame you. Maybe I traumatized you too much for you to remember."
I smiled. "Maybe. So… what's your name?"
Potter laughed. "Not telling you. You'll have to remember."
I pouted. "Yeah, okay… I'll see what I can do." We smiled at each other for a while "So," I started again "What have you been up to these last three years? You still haven't answered me…"
"That's a complicated question." he said after a while.
"Really?" I asked, curious. "Because, you know, a simple 'oh, I've gotten married', or 'I've been whoring around' or an 'I found out I'm gay' would be enough."
He smirked. "Trying to find out if I'm taken?"
"Not really." I answered, smiling.
"It's worth a try. Anyway, what have you been up to, Lily?"
"Oh, you know, simple things, really…"
"Like getting married, whoring around or finding out you're a lesbian?" he asked, making me laugh as he laughed as well.
"Not really." I said. "So, can I have my shoe back?" I asked, signalling the shoe that was still in his hand.
"Sure." He said, taking a step to me so he could reach me. As he extended his hand to give me the shoe, I moved front and somehow he ended up touching my breast, and not giving me back the shoe because he quickly retreated back his hand.
We stared at each other.
"I just touched your… well, your…"
"You just touched my breast, Potter." I completed for him. "Is that anything new in your life?" I asked him ironically, "Because, if it is, I can give you some free lessons about what happens when men touch women's bodies."
He smirked. "Well, it's not exactly a new thing… but I'd take the lessons with no problem. Besides, I've just touched Lily Evans' bobs." He said, grinning childishly. "Wait until I tell Padfoot!"
I laughed, amused by his words. "Gosh, it seems we're back at Hogwarts. You still hang out with that git? Sirius Black, isn't it?"
He nodded. "Yeah, that's the one. Wait until I tell him my fifteen year-old fantasy has final-hey!" he said suddenly, stopping his speech. "You remember his name, but you can't remember mine?"
I laughed and blushed at the same time. "Sorry." I said.
He took one more step in my direction after some seconds of silence. "Okay, I'm going to try and give you the shoe again, but this time carefully." He said, taking yet another step. He was so closed to me I could smell his cologne. It was some citrus scent I remembered from somewhere.
I looked at him to see him looking at me as well. Our eyes locked, and he gave another step, making me walk back and be trapped between him and the wall.
"You know, you could perfectly have thrown the shoe at me. No need to get this close." I said, as I looked at his full lips and smiled.
He smiled down at me too and lowered his head. His lips were almost touching mine, but not quite. He didn't say anything, only looked at me.
"Are you going to kiss me or what?" I asked after a while, lustful for having him so close that I could feel his body pinning mine against the wall.
"Not until you remember my name." he said, smirking, before he gave a step back and turned, walking to the door, my shoe still with him.
That's when I remembered where I knew his smell from. I was an expert in colognes, and the one he was wearing was called "James".
"Hey," I said, and he turned for a moment to look at me. "Can I have my shoe back, James?" I asked.
Next thing I knew, I could smell the citrus scent again, my body was once again pinned against the wall and, this time, his lips were really touching mine, kissing me hungrily, wildly, just like I wanted him to.
(…)
I sighed once again and took one more sip of my coffee to calm myself; I just needed to think straight and a solution would easily come to me.
"Let me see if I got things right: he proposed, you said yes, and then you said no because he was your toy and you were sick of him?" Mary asked me carefully from the other side of the kitchen table.
It was morning already.
The night before, when Mary had entered the living room, I couldn't utter another single word after the sentence I had said sunk in. James and I had broken up. As in not being together anymore. The tears had formed in my eyes and I had cried like a lost child, until Mary decided it was better if I went to bed, and that the following morning we'd try to understand what had happened together.
"I didn't say that." I told her. I closed my eyes momentarily. "I mean, I did say it, but I didn't mean it. He said some things and then I just couldn't help myself anymore."
"Lily… I seriously don't get you. Don't you like him?"
"I-I- I don't know." I said, opening my eyes to look at my cup of coffee.
"You don't know?" she asked sceptically, "Don't lie to me Evans. I know you better than Snape ever did."
I took a calming breath. "Okay, I like him. But I don't want to marry him!"
"Then why did you say yes in the first place? I'm sure that if you had said no and explained why, he'd understand." She said, taking my hand in hers. "James loves you; he'd do anything for you. Just like he has endured six months of only seeing you here or at his place, and only a few times during the week. He loves you."
Her sentence remembered me something from the night before. I had said it, hadn't I? Yes, I knew I had. "I told him I didn't love him last night."
"You did?" she asked surprised.
"Yeah."
"And you don't?"
"I don't know."
"Lily…"
"Seriously, Mary, I don't know." I said, looking at her, "I don't know anything right now. I'm so confused, I can't think straight."
She didn't say anything as she simply stared at me. After some minutes of silence, she spoke. "You know you screwed up whatever you had, don't you?"
I nodded. "I know."
She only nodded back, and we didn't say anything else. At last, I stood up. "Mary, do me a favour."
"Sure." She said.
"Owl James his clothes. Last night he left only in boxers." I smiled at that, but the smile was quickly off my face again.
"Alright, Lils. No problem. Anything else?" she asked, as I was exiting the kitchen.
I stopped to think for a while before I answered. Then, I turned back to her and stood in front of her. "Here's my engagement ring," I said, taking it off my finger, something I didn't do sooner for some strange reason. Maybe because it made me feel as if he was closer to me. I opened my mouth to speak again, but Mary cut in.
"No," she said, shaking her head. "I'm not letting you owl him back the ring without at least trying to have a decent talk with him."
"You didn't let me finish," I told her. "I want you to keep it so I can't owl it back," I said, "I'm going to talk to him after work. See if I can work things out."
She smiled but looked at me confused. "But I thought you didn't want to marry him?"
"I don't. But at least it's something that still connects me to him. I need that connection." I said, "I'm going to get dressed now or I'll be late for work. Don't wait for me for dinner."
"Okay." She said, and I turned back and walked to the door, making my way to my room.
(…)
"You're not yourself today, Lily." Emma, a girl who worked with me at the Diary Prophet, said from her desk. "You're always looking at the clock. Everything's alright?"
"I'm fine, Em." I said, smiling at her. "Had a bad night, that's all."
She smiled as well. "Okay. If you need anything, just say."
"Thanks."
No, I was not alright. I was far from alright.
Mary had sent me an owl by lunch time telling me that, after she sent him his clothes, it hadn't been James to answer but Sirius. She said he thought I had been the one to send the clothes, as she had put no note on the owl, and that he wrote back quite a furious letter. She said he had sent me a howler saying I was the most stupid person in the world, and that I better stay away from James during the next centuries. And to owl back the ring.
To top it all, Sirius had always been for my relationship with James.
"Hey, Lily, there's someone here to see you." Emma said. I turned my eyes to where she was pointing, praying that it was James. I sighed, it was not James. It was Alice.
"Hey Ally." I said, smiling. "What are you doing here?"
She shrugged and smiled. "Just came to say hi."
"You never have time to come and say hi." I pointed out, "You're a busy auror. So, what are you really doing here?"
She sighed and her smile dropped. "Okay, you're right. I came because I needed a cheery person that's happy and in love. Go ahead, fill me with love." She said.
Alice and Mary were the only two people in the world who knew about me and James. Them and, of course, the rest of the Marauders: Sirius, Remus and Peter. And Frank too, but that was because whatever Alice knew, Frank knew as well.
I raised an eyebrow at her. "I'm not that full of love today either." I told her, "But tell me, what happened?"
She sighed. "Frank and I fought."
"Why?"
"He wants me to go see a healer. But I don't want to go. So we fought and he slept on the couch."
"Alice, that's stupid. Why would you send him to sleep on the couch when he was simply worried about you?" I said. Then, my face was even more one of confusion. "Why would he want you to see a Healer?"
"Oh, nothing too special." She said.
"Ally?"
"He thinks I can't get pregnant." She said at last, her eyes filling with tears. "He thinks I should see a healer because I can't get pregnant."
"Oh, Alice…" I said, taking her hand.
"We've been trying Lily, trying everything since we get married." She said, "I should have a baby inside of me by now. Why can't I have a baby?"
"I don't know, Ally." I said, "Maybe Frank's right, maybe you should see a Healer. Just to know what's happening inside of you."
"No!" she said, "I don't want to see a Healer! Can't you see, Lily? I'm not woman enough to have a baby inside of me!"
I sighed. I knew what she was thinking. I knew the real reason she didn't want to see a Healer. "You don't really want to know, do you? You don't want to find out that you can't have babies."
She sobbed as the tears finally started falling. "What if I that's true, Lily? I want a baby so much…"
"Calm down, Ally, calm down." I said, "Just talk to Frank, explain what you fear. He loves, he'll understand. And then you can go together to St. Mungos."
"And what if, Lily? What if?"
"Don't think about that now, okay? Just don't think about it."
She nodded and cleaned her eyes. "You're right. I can't break now."
I smiled, "No, you can't."
She looked up and smiled too. "Thanks Lily."
"You're welcome."
"Anyway," she said, cleaning her last tears. "Changing subjects, you said you weren't full of love today. Something's wrong in paradise?" she asked.
I laughed. She looked at me strangely. "That's what Mary said last night, after James left the apartment."
"Oh, you fought with James?" Alice asked, "It's your first fight."
I smiled sadly. "And the last, too."
"Why?" she asked curiously.
"We broke up." I told her. "Or he broke up with me, I don't know."
Alice seemed surprised. "He? But he was so much into you. Frank said it seemed like we were back at Hogwarts and he was obsessed with you."
"Yeah, something else happened. Mary tells you the details; I don't feel like reminding it."
She nodded. "And there isn't a way to fix things with him?" she asked, this time she was the one holding my hand.
I looked at the clock on the wall opposite me. It was six o'clock, time for me to leave.
"That's what I'm going to find out in the next half hour." I told her, as we both stood up and I started packing my things. "I'm going to his apartment now."
"Want some help to control the damages? Or better, to control Sirius?"
I smiled at her. She knew me so well.
"No," I said at last, "I have to face my own mistakes alone."
"Alright Lils. Good luck."
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Author's note: hello! Here's the new chapter. I especially like this one, because of the last scene when Alice comes in. It also helps a lot to see some of what's going to happen in this fic.
Anyway, thanks everyone who reviewed! Hope you keep reviewing!!
Love,
Hannah
