I downplayed Brendan's injury a bit and the characters are kind of OOC and I'm not that happy with it but here it is.
Please review :)
Desperate times call for desperate measures
Waking up next to Doug had always been one of the high-lights of Ste's day. There was something intimate, something reassuring, about the feel of Doug's head on his chest. Something calming about the rhythm of Doug's heartbeat beneath his fingertips. The heat from his body had made him feel safe and looking at him, mouth open and face peaceful, had always made Ste smile fondly. It was something that Ste hadn't experienced much: the domestic, morning bliss. With Brendan, he'd been lucky if he'd stayed the night at all. Even when he had, Ste'd always been filled with wariness and apprehension, unsure of which version of Brendan he would wake up next to. But Doug was completely different. He would smile when he woke up; would bury a little further into Ste's body while mumbling 'good morning'; would give him a chaste kiss on the lips which could turn into something more, if they weren't needed at the deli.
On the day of the engagement party however, Doug's presence gave him little comfort. Doug's sleeping face only made Ste frown, the innocence making him uncomfortable. Ste wondered, not for the first time, what this man could possibly love about him. He was a bad person, after all. Ste knew the end was coming, could feel it in his heart. It was like they were hanging on a thread, just waiting for the moment when it would snap. He knew that it would be his fault, when it ended. Something would happen, it always did, and things would fall apart.
And then, He thought, who will I have? No one.
It's not that Ste had given up hope of being happy. No, he hoped, so god damn much, that things would work out this time. That he'd finally got it right. But the odds were stacked against him, against them, and he had a history of past mistakes that spoke volumes. Yes, he hoped that things would work out but he didn't believe. He didn't believe in happily ever after's, didn't believe in weddings because he knew that they never lasted. But he was willing to try for Doug. He would take a chance, a shot at happiness, and he would start again when - if - things went to shit.
These thoughts didn't help ease Ste's fear though, or his guilt. He didn't even know for sure why he felt guilty. Was it for lying to Doug, keeping secrets? Was it for practically abandoning Brendan, choosing Doug instead of him? Ste knew it was both of these things but it was also something more. Something darker and hidden deeper, hidden so far down he barely knew about it himself.
He felt guilty because he knew, deep down, that he was letting himself down. He was betraying his principles. He was betraying Brendan, the man he'd loved for two years. He was betraying Doug, his friend and lover. He was betraying himself, by being a coward. He was so scared of being alone that he was kidding himself. Turning friendship into love, turning love into hate. But Ste was so used to hiding his feelings from others, that he'd hidden them from himself as well. He was too stubborn to admit his mistake, too afraid to hurt the people he cared for all over again. Too far gone to turn back.
"Morning." sighed Doug sleepily, tilting his head up to kiss Ste.
"Morning." Ste smiled against his lips, letting Doug's presence anchor his mind to Earth.
"I wish I could stay here forever." He mumbled, his nose brushing Ste's. Shoving down the surge of shame that reared it's ugly head at his loving words, Ste held Doug a little tighter.
"I love you." He whispered, burying his face in Doug's neck.
"I love you too." Doug laughed, then started to gently stroke lines up and down his arm. "Hey, Ste. Hey, are you okay? Is something wrong?"
"I'm fine." Ste assured him. "I just wanted you to know. That I love you, I mean. "
"You sure nothing's happened?" Doug pressed, confused by Ste's behavior. He sounded strangely... fragile.
"I'm sure." he replied, and moved back looking Doug in the eyes. "You do love me, don't you? You're sure you want to get married?"
"Of course I'm sure!" Doug exclaimed, startled, before continuing gently, "I love you, Ste."
Ste smiled, a delicate, unsure twitch of his lips, before kissing Doug softly on the corner of his mouth. "Good."
They stayed like that - Ste guilty and vulnerable, Doug confused and comforting - for a while before Ste got up, pulling himself up from Doug.
"We've gotta get up. We've got that party to organize and that." He said, going off in search of clothes.
"And you're sure you're okay?" Doug questioned.
"Positive." Ste replied, flashing Doug a reassuring smile over his shoulder.
Doug didn't see the smile slip of his face a second later, as soon as Ste'd turned his back.
Brendan knew that the clock was ticking, could feel it in his chest. A sense of foreboding weighing heavily on him, pushing him to be better. Be stronger. Act quicker, before it was too late. He knew his body's limitation's though. He'd damaged himself in that damn explosion. He felt weak, his energy drained. His leg hurt like a bitch. He didn't care though. not when people needed him. Not when Cheryl and Joel and Steven needed him.
Brendan's feet hovered over the edge of the hospital bed as his hands gripped the bed sheets. He took a deep breath and pushed himself up. Stumbling under his own weight, he willed his legs not to buckle beneath him. He needed to get out of the hospital. He needed to see Walker and... what? Kill him? Brendan knew that he would, if it came to that. He hated himself for the ease in which he accepted it - that he was going to kill someone again. Hated that it had come to this.
God, what the hell was he now? A serial killer? A sociopath? Brendan didn't feel different... crazy. He just felt desperate. He didn't want to kill Walker, he had to. He didn't enjoy it, it made him feel sick. Brendan knew he was a bad person, that he was going to hell and he'd accepted it. He'd known for a long time. But, in all his life, he never thought he'd have to cross that line. Now that he had, he didn't know what the hell he was supposed to do. Where was the limit? Murder... it wasn't too much. Not to Brendan, not anymore. It was terrifyingly easy, horrifically simple. Kill someone, get rid of the body, don't get caught. He remembered the feeling, the soul-crushing guilt and disgust he'd felt when he'd killed Danny. It had gotten easier, Brendan supposed, after that. Mick hadn't weighed on his conscience as much, maybe because he hadn't really intended to kill him. He'd almost just accepted it was an accident. It helped that the bastard deserved it. His Nana had been... hard. He'd felt something die inside, when she'd told him what she'd done. Or what she hadn't done rather. It had been anger and hate that had driven him to it. God, it had hurt so much. He'd felt so alone, so betrayed. Looking back, Brendan had trouble thinking about it. He'd loved her so much, until that day. The day he killed her. He knew that it would haunt him forever. He didn't know what was worse; his one, disastrous mistake or her years and years of cowardice and abandonment.
That brought him to Walker. The fourth, and hopefully last, person to die by his hand. Brendan took a deep breath and limped forward, wincing slightly. He put murder out of his mind and focused on getting out of the hospital and to the people who needed him. They were all he had left after all.
Ste sipped his drink, champagne because they was celebrating, whilst trying not to let his discomfort show. Parties... he was never very good with parties. Ste hardly ever had anything that called for celebrating. On the rare occasions when he did, he would usually just go for a night out with Amy and get horrifically drunk before stumbling home together. Ste felt awkward there, being in the spotlight. Having people come over and congratulating him. Having to make small talk with people he barely knew. Darren, Rhys, Dodger... they were all Doug's friends, not his. He didn't fit in there, with those people. He knew it and they knew it. The only person who didn't was Doug, who was beaming at everyone and acting like they were all BFF's. Ste stayed near the bar, kept his drink filled and his smile wide. Cheryl made the night better. She stayed by his side, one of the only people who were there for him and not Doug or the open bar. Ste liked Cheryl, she was sweet and outrageous and funny. Needless to say, they had a laugh.
"You sure you've not had enough, love?" Joked Cheryl, just as drunk as him if not more so.
"Not nearly enough Chez." He slurred, looking down at the champagne in his hand. He put the near empty glass on the bar and ordered a beer, much more his style.
"You're supposed to be celebrating, you know." She laughed, pulling his cheeks up so he was smiling again.
"I am. This is how I celebrate."
"By drinking your weight in alcohol?"
"Exactly." He agreed, saluting her with his bottle.
She giggled before gasping, her hand coming up to cover her mouth. "You know what we should do?"
"What?"
"Shots!"
"Yes." Ste cried, smacking the bar with his hand.
"Yes what?" Asked Doug as he wondered over, tipsy but not as drunk as they clearly were. He slung an arm around Ste's shoulder and raised his eyebrows.
"Shots." Ste explained, grinning.
"Haven't you had enough?" Asked Doug, a frown creasing his forehead.
"Don't be such a spoil sport."
"Yeah! Come on, love. Join in!" Cheryl laughed.
Ste knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that getting that drunk was a bad idea. He knew that he couldn't handle his alcohol and he knew that he couldn't trust himself when drunk. But he couldn't bring himself to care, not when it made him feel so much better. It was amazing how easily things like guilt disappeared when you added enough alcohol into the equation. So Ste knocked back the shots like a pro, laughing all the while.
"I think I need some fresh air." He mumbled, stumbling away from the bar. His head was swimming and his vision was blurry but he shook it off and walked, more or less, in the direction he knew to lead to the balcony. The fresh air was cold and bitter, the sky dark and cloudy. He leant against the railing and sighed, running his hands through his hair. It was harder to pretend when he was out there, without Cheryl's uplifting presence.
"Steven."
"Fucking hell!" Yelped Ste, spinning around. "Give me a heart attack, why don't you?"
"Sorry." Brendan said, stepping closer. "I need to talk to you."
"Yeah well, now ain't a good time." He mumbled, annoyed at hearing the slur of his words.
"I know that I ain't your favorite person but it's important." Brendan gripped his arm, voice urgent. "I need you to listen to me."
"No, you listen!" Ste hissed, yanking his hand off, "This is my engagement party, okay? I'm engaged! Why can't you just fuck off somewhere else, yeah?"
"No! List-"
"Leave me alone, Brendan!" Ste shouted desperately. He knew that this was bad. Very, very bad. Alcohol and Brendan didn't mix. He needed to be stone-cold sober when Ste dealt with him, needed to keep his head at all times. Ste was feeling too vulnerable and knew that he couldn't be around Brendan. Not with his self control so low. He didn't want to do something that he'd regret.
"You're in danger! You're being targeted because of me, because of your connection to me."
Ste frowned, trying to figure out what the hell he was on about. "What? In danger? Because of you. Of course I am! It's always you! It's like you just... poison everything."
"I know." He whispered, holding Ste's wrist gently. "I know. But I want to protect you. I need to keep you safe. Please, let me keep you safe."
"No! I'll never be safe with you! I want nothing to do with you. You wreck everything. I try to be happy. With Doug. But you always wreck it!"
"What?"
Ste went on, looking distressed. "You're always there. Even when you're not there, it's like you're still there. You know? It's like I can't get away from you. Why the hell can't you just leave me alone?" He looked at him in earnest, "Why can't I let you go?"
Brendan thought he understood then, what Ste meant. he understood because he felt it as well. Brendan may have changed and Ste may have changed but the thing between them, the connection - it hadn't changed at all.
"I'm sorry, Steven. Okay? I'm sorry. But please, let me help." He begged, trying to get through to him.
"No! Just leave me alone!" Ste glared at him, eyes blazing. "I don't need your help, I don't need your protection. I don't need you. I am a hundred times happier with you out of my life. Stay away from me, okay? Just stay the hell away."
Brendan flinched and let his hand drop from Ste's wrist. He stared at the ground and listened to his footsteps as Ste abandoned his party, leaving both Doug and Brendan behind.
As Ste walked through Hollyoaks in the dark, alone, he started to feel a bit foolish. He'd stormed off in the heat of the moment, wanting to get away from Brendan and hadn't really thought it through. He didn't even have his coat.
Why do I always let him get to me? Ste thought furiously, rubbing his arms to try and warm them up. He knew that he should go back to the party. Back to his guests, back to Cheryl, back to... back to Doug. But he couldn't bring himself to turn around. Ste knew that he was being selfish and that Doug was probably sick with worry but he just wanted to go home. He wanted things the way they used to be, with Amy and the kids there to offer him support and love and encouragement. Not the empty flat. He wanted... God he didn't even know what he wanted anymore.
"I'm sorry about this." Said a voice that he vaguely recognized. A hand clamped over his mouth and he felt cloth against his lips. He screamed, voice muffled, and thrashed but strong arms thwarted his drunken attempts of escape. He could smell fumes and tried to jerk away but it was too late.
"I really am sorry." Whispered Walker, slinging Ste's arm around his shoulder and maneuvering him the few feet to his car. "But Brendan has to pay."
Rachey Ayy
