Listen to: The Last Night- Skillet
The next few days passed fairly uneventfully. Mello seemed to be... almost in a coma. He had barely even left his room in the past few days. Three days, to be accurate. This was the last time he had acknowledged Matt as well.
Sometimes he would be laying down covered in blankets with his eyes closed, but not asleep. Others, he would be staring at himself in the mirror. It was all odd behavior. Once, Matt had gone in to check on him and found him drawing something in a sketchbook. Hmm. He didn't think Mello was the artistic type, but he could be wrong. Whatever made him feel better.
"Matt?" he heard a quiet call and immediately ran to Mello's room to check on him.
"Yes? Are you okay?" he wanted to make sure Mello hadn't done anything bad again. Thank God there were no sharp objects lying around.
A small voice raised itself from under the covers where Mello was huddled. "I just wanted to talk to you."
Matt closed the door, not for privacy- because there was no one else there, but more out of habit. "Okay?" He wanted to listen to everything Mello had to say. He wanted to know what provoked him to do this to himself.
You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
He glanced down at the scars that would take a while to heal. There were so many... it was as if all the emotion had leaked out through the cuts in his skin.
Mello sat up and began to tell his story.
"I don't know if I'll be able to tell you... the full story, tonight. But I will eventually. It's just, I went through a lot when I was younger. And some of it still haunts me to this day. It starts off with me living with my parents until I was 10. I hated it. They were always arguing. I remember so many nights that I came home from school and cried in my bed at night because they were up talking and I didn't know what they were saying, just that they were mad at each other. It seems that they wanted to protect me from anything bad, yet they fought with each other so much about how to raise me to be a perfect child... that they just couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't just that, but also my father had a drinking problem. He would drink and gamble all his problems away, then come home and my mom would be mad at him because he was drunk. She would end up the next day with a few bruises, and both of them with dead, emotionless eyes. Then one day I overheard them talking about the debt we were in. They couldn't afford to keep living like this, let alone with a child. This was what I went through before I was even a teenager. I wanted so badly to stop it. To find some way to fix it. Yet I couldn't. I was only a child. A 9 year old can't fix his parents' issues, no matter how much he wants to. My 10th birthday I didn't ask for any presents and I didn't receive any. I thought they had forgotten about me. I tried not to care. All I heard that night was screaming. And then, a shot was fired. Inside the house. I was in my room, and was so scared. I thought my dad had shot her. It turned out he wasn't aiming towards her, or anyone. The bullet had only gone through the wall. Still, I was freaking traumatized. I was still a child, and hearing that inside my own house..."
Through all this, Matt listened calmly. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had no idea Mello had childhood issues like this. He always kept that side hidden from everyone, even his best friend.
A tear cascaded down Mello's face as he told his childhood memories.
Didn't want you to see me cry
I'm fine but I know it's a lie
"I was sent off to the orphanage a few days after that. A quick, easy decision that would get rid of me. That's what they decided to do with me. I was just an object that needed to be thrown in the trash. I never saw them again. When they dropped me off... My father didn't say anything. When he got back in the car and wasn't looking, my mother gave me a hug and whispered to me, "I'm sorry, I wish it could have been better. I love you, Mihael." I found out, in the newspaper, that she died the next year. My name wasn't listed as family. I didn't know how she died, and I didn't want to find out. I just hoped it wasn't him."
By this time Matt had scooted closer to Mello and gave him a reaction in between a smile and a grimace. "I'm so sorry." was all he could say to console Mello. His family was so messed up and terrible that it wasn't hard to see why he hated his life.
"Oh, that's not all. Well, the issues for me started when I was 13. A bit before I left the orphanage to go out on my own. I just didn't feel as though I needed someone looking over me. I probably did though. I wonder what it would have been like if I had, you know, someone like you there with me. I think it was... 7 suicide attempts in just 3 years? No, 8, actually. I was slowly driving myself insane. I tried drugs, but it was too expensive to keep up with at the time. So I resorted to even more damaging methods of coping. Starving, cutting, more starving, deeper cutting. Sometimes I drank. Life was absolute hell for me. But at least I felt like I was worth something then. I did everything I could to make the underground world believe in me. I wanted people to think I was smart and talented, that I could be the best. But I never ended up amounting to anything, in my eyes. It was never enough. I saw all my little flaws. Even though I was an important member of the mafia at such a young age, I couldn't please myself. Oh, that's another thing. At the orphanage, I was always the second best. I couldn't stand it. Never first like I wanted. I tried so hard to be smart, to be perfect. Yet I was always stuck behind Near and it pissed me off to no end. I wanted to be better than everyone."
Matt sighed. "I wish I had found you earlier. We got to know each other, and then you just left me at the orphanage. I was so confused. At one point, I convinced myself you hated me. Later I realized you probably just wanted to escape and be on your own. Then when I finally left, I wanted to find you. I had no idea where to look for you. I wasn't lost, but I wandered everywhere just looking. You meant so much to me. And I would have tried to find you even more if I knew what you were going through."
Mello seemed genuinely touched by this comment. "Wow. Well, I don't think I would have let just anyone see me going through it. I hid it from the outside world, but if I had you there I would completely break down. You are the only one that I would ever feel comfortable with, crying in front of. Talking to about this. But to others, I was fine. Only I could see the moment when all my walls went down and I just crumbled because I couldn't take it any longer. I would break down crying, staying up all night hoping I didn't feel the need to kill myself. I didn't want help, but now I see that I needed you. And I'm so glad I have you now."
Hi. Um... it's 5 am. Don't judge my writing too much :) Thanks for reviews!
