When it ends, it feels like someone's blocked out the sun, ripped away a warm blanket. And instead of going back for more – instead of giving into the confusing feelings, Meredith throws her hands over her face and begins to cry again, hard.

Addison moves away, her face concerned. It's tough to know what to do in this situation. Meredith is still so incredibly fragile – so hurt. She puts a hand out, but then draws it back. Meredith's choked crying fills the room, the only sound.

Addison hears an undercurrent of muttering through the sobs – a repetition of two words through Meredith's tears and fingers. "My fault."

Rage blooms in Addison's chest, rage and tears and disbelief, and she grabs Meredith's hands, pulling them away from her face. "This is not your fault. Not your fault. Okay?"

Her voice is rough and low, and Meredith responds better than if Addison's voice had been gentle. She sits up, wiping tears and snot and a little drool away from the corners of her mouth and the crevices of her eyes, and sniffles, once. "What?"

"Grey. Meredith. What happened to Derek is NOT your fault! Don't say that. Don't put that on yourself. It's not yours to own."

"If I hadn't . . . and if you hadn't kissed me – "

Addison laughs harshly. "Listen here, missy. I'm not the only one who was kissing today."

Meredith actually giggles in the middle of a sob. "Fair enough."

The air clears of tension, just a little bit. And all the rage that Addison felt towards Meredith and her botched surgery is gone.

Addison touches Meredith's hand, just gently. "It's not your fault. Okay? It could have happened even if the last thing you did was kiss him."

Meredith says nothing else, but when they leave the room, her hands have stopped shaking, and her head is higher. Addison, despite her vow to stay the hell out of things from now on, smiles as she heads in the other direction.

//~//

A week later, Addison finds herself on Meredith Grey's doorstep for the second time.

The Chief didn't ask her to come, this time, but she plans to use his name if she's asked. To be honest, she's not sure why she's here. She's made a point of avoiding Meredith Grey all week, trying to stay away from Meredith's constant stare. The blue eyes that never turn from Addison's. The lips that turn rosy-red when Meredith chews on them absentmindedly, which she does often. Addison had almost convinced herself that she wanted to step away from that mess of a girl, and then yesterday happened.

Yesterday, Addison found herself walking by the ocean, tracing a path around the boardwalk that lines the shores of Elliott Bay. The ferry pad was bustling as usual, and Addison found herself thinking of Derek and his description of the disaster that happened almost a year ago. Of the thousand-strong crowd spewing blood and screams, the chaos that comes with a horrible disaster. And she remembered Meredith, lying on the gurney, blue and still, her skin ice-cold.

Addison stood there, the wind whipping her red hair, blue eyes screwed up against the watery sun that had just broken through the clouds and felt herself paralyzed to the sidewalk. For better or worse, she needed to see how Meredith was. What she was doing. It's been a bare month since Derek's death and Addison is not convinced that Meredith is okay.

She ruefully looks at her reflection in the sidelight beside the door, shaking her head at her stupidity. This is going to end badly. And it's unfair to both of them. The best thing to do would be to walk away.

Addison raises her fist to knock on the door.

Izzie Stevens answers. The girl is beautiful, in her own way. She's tall and curvy and has curly blonde hair that never seems to have a bad hair day. But the problem with Izzie is that she sees way too much. And when Addison spots the younger woman slowly taking in the situation, she prepares herself for a verbal onslaught of questions.

Sure enough, Izzie's brown eyes are curious and wide, and when she opens the screen door, her voice is light, but firm. "Hi, Dr. Montgomery. Can I help you?"

For a moment, there's nothing to say. Addison feels her face getting hot as she asks, "I just wondered if Meredith was here."

Izzie's eyes widen, but she doesn't comment. Instead she says, "Yeah, she's inside. Come on in."

The rooms are fresher, this time. There's a lot less dust. There's even sunlight flooding through the oriel window at the top of the stairs. Obviously, someone just cleaned, because the scent of lemon furniture polish and Windex has replaced the dusty, musty, slightly alcoholic smell from before. It's almost a completely different house.

When Addison finishes taking in the changes, she realizes that Izzie is staring at her again curiously. Addison blushes. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay. Mer?" Izzie's voice goes up at the end, slightly increasing in volume, and that's when Addison sees Meredith.

She's on the same couch as last time, but this time, there's no bottle of alcohol rolling at her feet. She's got a worn book open on her knee. Her hair has been recently combed and washed. And she's smiling when she gets up from the couch and comes over to greet Addison, although her eyes are confused.

"Hi, Dr. Montgomery," she says, her voice bright but a little confused. "Can I . . . help you?"

Addison wants to scowl. She hates this stupid formality outside the hospital. If you're familiar at work, you should be familiar outside of work. So she immediately puts an end to the "Dr. Montgomery" stuff by saying, "Please call me Addison," and surreptitiously ignoring the stairs, where she remembers how damned sore her legs and arms were after carrying Meredith up the stairs. Does Meredith even know?

Would she care if she did?

"Addison," Meredith repeats. "Can I get you something?"

Izzie pipes up, "I just made some tea."

The awkwardness is overwhelming, so Addison agrees just to sit down in the kitchen. As she follows the younger women's retreating backs, she wishes with all her heart that Izzie would find something else to do. That would make this a lot less awkward than it has to be.

Meredith takes a seat at the table, and Addison is once again amazed at how small she looks against the sturdy country-style furniture. As Izzie pours out the tea, Addison begins to pick at her nails, and catching Izzie's eyes on her, tries to stop without drawing attention to herself. Strange that she, so normally sure of herself and the furthest thing from awkward, feels like she's back in high school trying to break into the popular clique.

Addison actually laughs at this thought – these residents are more like the loser group that picked at their fingers and twirled their hair. Much like she's doing right now. Dammit!

Then she catches both women staring at her oddly.

She clears her throat. "So, I came because Richard – I mean, the Chief – asked me to come and see how things were going. He wanted to know if you'd be willing to take an extra shift next week, Meredith."

"So why didn't he just call?" asks Meredith, sipping at her tea and wincing as her tongue gets burnt. Addison blushes for the third time.

"Well, he knows that I don't live too far from here, so he asked me to drop by. I'm sure he'll call." Shit. Now she's told a lie and one that can be easily debunked with one question to the Chief. She'd better get to him before Meredith does.

Izzie's face is now openly sceptical. "Okay . . . so is that all?"

"Well, and I wanted to see how Meredith was doing," Addison replies, her voice sharp. Izzie, properly chastised back into resident mode, shuts up and rises from the table.

"Okay, well, have fun," she finishes lamely, and leaves. Meredith's eyes track her exit, then come back to rest on Addison.

"Okay. Why are you really here?"

And somehow, Addison has no trouble being honest. "I was walking yesterday by Elliott Bay. I just . . . wanted to see how you were."

Meredith's face doesn't change. "Did the Chief actually send you?"

"Not in so many words. But he did want me to come. Meredith, he cares about you."

"Yeah. He cares because he feels guilty, for some stupid reason. You know, that man has enough guilt to sink a battleship. I have no idea how he gets through the day."

"Yeah, well. I don't know if I really want to know."

Meredith rises. "We could go for a walk if you want."

Addison suddenly smiles. "Yeah, okay. I do want."

The garden outside smacks of Izzie's special touch. Addison looks over the beds of spring annuals and the last of the perennials and rolls her eyes a bit. "Wow."

Meredith laughs, a silvery sound. "Yeah, she goes a bit overboard. But I can't say I mind. I wouldn't do anything with it. If it makes her happy, I guess."

"What does make you happy?"

Meredith blinks at the question. "I used to say it was Derek. Used to."

"And?"

"And, in the last few months, it wasn't. Wasn't him totally, I guess. Surgery," she finishes. "Surgery makes me happy."

"Were you guys having issues?" Addison's voice is careful. She knows she's going into tough territory here, and she wants to prevent a Meredith shutdown. Meredith, however, seems to be in an expansive mood, and she replies easily enough.

"Yes. To be honest, they started after I almost drowned in Elliott Bay. He couldn't trust me. I couldn't stand him hovering. I don't know. He got apathetic after awhile."

"Yeah, that's classic Derek."

Meredith raises her head, her blue eyes full of the spring light, and focuses on Addison. "What I wish is that he had just listened, just once. He was famous for storming away mad and he needed to grow up a little and act like an adult. I avoid, sure, but I wouldn't get on a motorcycle and take a fast ride on a slick road, you know?"

It's easily the longest speech from Meredith that Addison's ever heard, and she blinks in surprise. "I guess so. I mean, I would think he'd be smarter than that, too, but I guess people react to things in different ways. As I say, Meredith, it was an accident. No one could have predicted that outcome."

"No one, yeah, but I'm not surprised it happened to me." Meredith closes her lips firmly after that, and Addison refuses to push. Fine with her.

"Look, Addison, I appreciate you coming over. Both times."

Addison smiles a little self-consciously. "Oh, you remember that first time?"

"Sure. Who doesn't remember getting sloppily drunk in front of their boss? It seems to be a trend for me." Again, that silvery laughter. Addison grins back.

"I guess so. Do you remember all of that night?"

"Well, I suppose I must have passed out at one point. I found myself in my bed. What'd you do, get Alex to carry me up?"

Addison debates telling her the truth, then grins. Nah, it's better to save that for another day.

"I guess so. I don't really remember."

Meredith laughs. "You were drunk, too?"

"Hey, someone had to keep you company." They stand, smiling at each other, and Addison puts a hand on Meredith's shoulder.

"Thank you. I needed this. To make sure you were fine, and to give myself a bit of a break."

Meredith smiles softly. "Thank you for coming."

As they walk to the door, Meredith takes Addison's hand, and only lets it go when they come to the screen. "Addison, please come again."

"Next time, I won't come because the Chief wants me to."

Meredith leans forward to open the screen for Addison, but her mouth stays close to the red-haired woman's ear.

"Just make sure there's a next time."