From the pages of Isabella Swan's Mind #1

Do I run or do I stay?

I have asked myself this very question on numerous occasions for the past ten consecutive years. After waking in a sweat from my constant restless nightmares, my frozen screams caught deep in my throat drowning out the sound of my sorrow.

Day in and day out, night after night I hold on to this ache, living in a world so cold, all for a chance to find an out for myself. To just, stop being me.

I have always known heartache and pain, but I have never known pain like this. The agony I am in right now cannot compare to any of my past agonies. My eyes are open to the brightness of life. Finding it hard to exist when I stand alone defending my name, and running into myself as I hope to find someone else, knowing that my fears alone control me.

All this time, being whom I am, my hardened heart dwelling in its cold throne only to realize, this heart is not my possession. He took advantage of the nice, naïve, and the beautiful girl until he destroyed me beyond repair. Never to be whole or loved.

No one has seen the softest part of me; I will not budge to show this secret place where thoughts of you and how you have saved me plague my mind.

"You were, no, you are so nice, naive and beautiful."

All I have done is fail, is it so wrong to be who we are?

"Why did I get taken advantage of?" I would ask out in desperation.

"Because we are all dealt our lumps of coal and, if we are wise, depending on what you do with them, you can turn them into something beautiful," would come his calm and collected reply and I would find myself believing and hoping once again.

I was frozen in a fragile world of make believe and empty lies, before I was driven by a force so free to live this life, not paralyzed but with reckless abandon. Dressed in the rules of a virtuous game, afraid to cry, suffocated for trying to scream.

When all I do may fall away, when all I know decays in vain, and all I measure turns to dust and I am left alone again, should I believe or should I doubt? I believed in the things that you never told me, in the things that you never showed me.

"Well, is it so wrong to hang on to hurt?" I would question.

When put in my position, if you could see my fear, will you say that this is more than a superstition or will you hold tight to your convictions? Those aggressive passive inhibitions, temptations, and opinions, lacking faith in what I trust as they laugh before indecision.

"Maybe you could set it free," he would challenge, "there's still some life outside of this madness, darlin'. I believe you can find it."

Sometime in between, you taught me that there is a face that holds a story behind every single scar. I have stood in your shadow, never walking away, even when I was afraid, and that is how you hold my heart captive.

I need the tears inside to dry. I want more than just to try and love you.

Are you willing to take ownership? I wish to ask. Only, I am too afraid to ask.

Isabella Swan


A/N: This is NOT a chapter as you can see. However, this is a little something I will be attempting to post every three to four chapters. It's like a page from Bella's Journal.

Thank you for continuing to read. I have two more chapters soon to be published that I wish to fully beta before I post them, so bear with me a little longer, here is this for the meanwhile. Hope you enjoyed it. Please, drop me some reviews, it shows you care and might earn earlier posting!

Kinesi