October 14, 2029
So there I was, pinned to the ground with some fat and filthy war clansman hovering over me. In one hand he held a dagger to my throat. He was using the other to unfasten his pants. My gut was twisting with dread and anger. This dirty creep had his knees on my arms and was sitting on my stomach so I could barely inhale. Panic was setting in, when out of the blue, a huge bloody blade emerged from the middle of the guy's chest. He had time to look down at it in shock before the blade twisted. Blood was spurting everywhere as he fell dead. Of course he fell right on top of me, but I was able to wriggle out from under his body.
I looked up, expecting to see Monroe or Miles. I knew they were both nearby. But no. This time my savior was none other than Connor Bennett. He just stood there, watching me with this cocky smile that made me think of his Dad.
"Thanks." I panted, finally able to gasp in some much needed air.
"Anytime." He'd said, as if he saved my life every day.
So Connor isn't so bad, I guess. I am not yet as comfortable with him in battle as I am with Monroe or Miles, but he'll do.
October 15, 2029
Monroe has been kind of pissy ever since Connor started fighting with us. I thought he'd be happy to see that his kid is a chip off the old block, but instead he frowns and kicks things.
So, I'm avoiding Monroe and that is easier than I'd figured it would be because Connor has been keeping me entertained. The thing is, Connor grows on you a little bit when you are forced to hang out with him for extended periods of time. He's funny in an 'aw shucks' kind of way, but he also has a dark streak too, which is somewhat appealing.
Sometimes I wish I was attracted to Connor. I think it would make everything easier. The thing is… I'm just not. And it's not just that the sex in New Vegas wasn't great (although that is true – was pretty bad to be honest). It's also that there's just nothing there. My heart doesn't beat faster when I see him. I don't have dreams about his touch. I don't wonder where he is when I haven't seen him for a while. I never wonder who he's with.
See? Nothing there.
Connor and I will only ever be friends. I know it and he knows it (finally after much persuading). I don't think Miles and Monroe have figured it out yet. Miles is snarky and sarcastic about it when he teases us about being involved. Monroe has started ignoring us completely if we are together, only talking to each of us one on one.
At first Connor and I went out of our way to point out that we're not a couple. I don't think they'll ever believe it so we've given up. Let them think what they will.
Day by day, Monroe is getting testier. He's short tempered and quiet. I've caught him watching me talk to Connor a few times. He never looks happy. Connor is getting a kick out of it all actually. Is it bad that part of me is enjoying this too? It's almost like Monroe is jealous. I remember getting that same vibe from him in New Vegas. That time, it didn't feel good because I felt guilty.
This time, I have nothing to feel guilty about. I do wonder though…what is it about Monroe being jealous that gets me all hot and bothered?
There's no way that I actually have a thing for Monroe, is there? Not so long ago, I would have said absolutely not. Now? I'm not so sure. Shit.
October 24, 2029
I hate her. I hate her so much that when I see her, it takes everything I have not to rip her hair out by the roots. Her name is Stephanie. She is a Texas Ranger and she's part of the regiment that we scout for. One day she came to our camp with some bullshit excuse to talk to Miles and Monroe.
Then she came back the next day. Now she's here every damn day, drooling after Monroe like a dog in heat. He was sort of indifferent at first, but now he's smiling and flirting and letting her touch him and I want to scream at her to keep her damn hands to herself.
In other news, I guess I do have a thing for Monroe. Clearly I'm the biggest idiot. He thinks I'm just a stupid kid, especially when compared to Stephanie. She's older and incredibly beautiful. She has long black hair and big green eyes. She's almost as tall as Monroe. I heard Miles say she's 'sex on a stick'.
Have I mentioned that I hate her? I am civil on the outside, but on the inside I'm hoping a tree falls on her head. A big one.
October 26, 2029
I don't think I can take it anymore. I might tell Miles I'm going to quit scouting. Maybe I could move back to Willoughby and live with Grandpa? I haven't decided yet, but I have to do something. If I have to watch Monroe and Stephanie sneak off into the woods one more time…. I will lose it completely.
Maybe I just need some fresh air. I'm going for a swim.
October 26, 2029 PART TWO
I just got back from a swim in this natural spring that's not far away. When I got back, Connor was waiting for me. "You're an idiot." He said.
"What the hell?" I smiled at him because I thought he was just teasing me, but then he thrust this journal at me, smacking me in the chest with it none too gently. My stomach rolled with apprehension. "Connor – you didn't?!"
"I did." He nodded, and then he narrowed his eyes, "I read the whole damn thing, and you are a big fucking idiot."
I felt like my heart had stopped. "Oh my god I'm going to kill you."
"No, you aren't."
"Oh but I am." I had my knife out and charged at him but he dodged out of the way.
"Aren't you going to ask why I think you're an idiot?"
I sighed, and slumped down on a fallen log, humiliated. "Why?
"A bunch of reasons. First, I was not a bad lay and you better not be telling anyone that I was." I started to interrupt but he held up his hand to stop me. "Secondly, OBVIOUSLY you have a thing for my Dad. That's nothing new. How was that ever even a question? Were you just lying to yourself?"
"What are you – "
"I'm not done." He poked me with his finger. "The last reason you're an idiot is that obviously he likes you too, but you just can't seem to see it."
"No. He definitely doesn't like me. Not like that. He likes Stephanie. He thinks of me as Miles's niece and a fellow soldier and a drinking buddy and that's all."
"Not true." Connor says shaking his head, "He's liked you since at least New Vegas. I'll admit he sometimes doesn't really act like it. He's probably not even sure why he likes you or that he should, but he's been throwing out some pretty major hints lately. When are you going to wake up and see that he likes you too?"
"Wait a minute. What do you mean he liked me since New Vegas?"
Now Connor is the one who looks uncomfortable. "Uh, when we were there he told me to stay away from you. I knew then."
"Uh, what?! You knew then – in New Vegas? He asked you to keep your distance while we were THERE? Was this before or after we…"
"Before."
"I cannot believe I thought you were an okay guy. You are an asshole!" I charged Connor with the knife again. He sidestepped but just barely. "You read my journal – my most private thoughts, and now you tell me that you slept with me KNOWING your Dad was interested?"
"Hey, think back, Charlie. I didn't approach you. It was the other way around. I'm human. When a hot chick throws herself at me, I say yes. I say hell yes."
I rubbed my temples. This was too much. "You're wrong. He does NOT like me. Not like that."
Connor threw up his hands, "I read your journal. Clearly, you need to read it yourself. All the evidence is right there in your own words."
October 27, 2029
I went back and read it all. Everything I've written in this damn book. Connor might be right. Maybe this thing I'm feeling for Monroe isn't one-sided. But if that's true, what the hell am I going to do about it?"
October 28, 2029
Today Miles and I were patrolling in this abandoned town and we came upon an old library. I had to go in. I always have to go in.
Miles rolled his eyes at me – like he always does. I don't know why I get excited about places like that. Too much time has passed. There is always damage and there's always been looting. Still I always have to look.
This one was like all the rest. What books were left, were moldy sodden messes in corners. An old poster hung on a wall. It said "Book Worm" over a picture of a big cheerful caterpillar. It made me sad. I sat in an old swivel chair that had lost its will to swivel long ago.
"Did you ever go to the library when you were a kid?" I asked him.
"Nah. Closest I ever got was sneaking a peek under the brown paper wrapper on the Hustler magazines at the corner gas station."
"I'm guessing I don't want to know what a Hustler magazine was."
"Good guess."
I was laughing when my chair collapsed and then we were both laughing. While I was lying there on the floor and Miles was reaching a hand down to help me up – I saw it.
"What's that?" I asked, pointing to the narrow space under the desk where I'd been sitting.
"Huh?" Miles bent over, craning to look. "I don't see anything."
I reached way back under the desk, and through layers of dirt and cobwebs. My hand wrapped around an old plastic shopping bag. It was stiff and crumbly, having been forgotten almost two decades earlier. I looked inside and my heart began to beat faster. "Books." I said.
"Well, we are in a library."
"No, but Miles…these are new books. Yeah, they're old and kind of musty, but they are NEW. Nobody has ever read these before." I held up the three paperbacks reverently, pointing at the price tags and perfect unbroken spines.
"So?" He looked utterly confused.
"Miles, I was still reading picture books when the lights went out. I have never, ever read a brand new book as an adult. I love to read but every book I get my hands on already has a name scrawled in the front cover or its missing pages or it has water damage or whatever."
He took the books from my hands and read the titles aloud, "Fine, let's see what you have here… "Love's Tender Caress- and "Rough and Ready and my personal favorite Ageless Splendor." He shook his head, laughing. "Charlie, these books are trashy romance novels. You'd be better off with Hustler."
October 31, 2029
It's Halloween, not that it means much to us. The weather is chilly. Stephanie hasn't been around much lately which suits me just fine. Connor has been running errands for Blanchard so it's back to just Miles, me and Monroe most of the time.
I read all three of my new books. Love's Tender Caress was about a business woman who falls for a carpenter. Rough and Ready was all about a misunderstanding that turned into a love affair. The best one is Ageless Splendor. It's about a girl who falls for her boss, who just happens to be a much older man. Yeah, you can see why that one speaks to me.
Good thing something is speaking to me. Monroe isn't talking much. Not to me and not to Miles. He's in his head almost all the time these days. That's why when he finally did speak to me tonight, I was totally surprised. "Didn't you read that damned book once already?"
"Twice."
"And it's so good you have to read it again?" He looked skeptical.
"What can I say? I like what I like." I made a point of holding his gaze. This was the longest conversation we've had in weeks. I missed talking to him. I missed the way his eyes could bore into me.
"So, what's it about?"
I hesitated, "It's about this woman named Ava. She's all alone in the world. She moves to a new city and takes a new job. Her boss is this guy Grant. He's a total jackass at first and she hates him. Then, gradually she decides she doesn't hate him as much… The problem is that she knows he would never pay any attention to her. He is more experienced…more mature."
"More mature?"
"Well, he's older."
Monroe's eyes changed then. Something sparked between us, I swear it. "And?"
"And she's sure that he doesn't even think of her as anything more than an employee. She's not sophisticated like the women he usually dates."
"Maybe Grant doesn't want a woman who is so sophisticated? Maybe Ava is all wrong about what he wants…"
"Did you already read it?" I was getting nervous. This whole thing was beginning to hit a little close to home.
"No, but I know that sometimes things that sound good on paper, don't work in real life."
"What do you mean?" I'm afraid my voice sounded shaky. I know that's how I felt.
"Appearances can be deceiving, and not everyone wants what people might expect that they want. That's all."
I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. He smiled a little sad half smile and then he went to his bedroll and settled in for the night.
I didn't fall asleep till much later. I had a lot on my mind.
A/N: Thanks for all the beautiful comments. More installments of Charlie's Journal coming soon (including some actual charloe physical contact & the return of some familiar faces).
