The atmosphere in the small living room had lost some of its tension, and Sirius allowed himself to relax slightly in the over-stuffed sofa. They would have to talk about what had happened. That much was clear, and Sirius was fairly certain that it would have to be him who initiated it. After all, he was the one who had hurt Remus, and it was on his conscience.

"I didn't want to leave you, Remus. You must know that"

"Must I?" Remus sighed, setting his teacup down on the coaster and looking up at Sirius. For a moment, the hardness in his face faded, but it was then replaced by a steely tone and cold eyes. "What else were you playing at, when you fucked Narcissa?"

Sirius blinked. He wasn't used to hearing words like that coming from his old friend. And yet, he knew he deserved them completely. What he and Narcissa had done was little more than fucking. There were no niceties like "making love" to describe it. Even "having sex" seemed too dainty a term for what they had done. It was cold, hard fucking. It hadn't even been love or desire or passion which had driven them. It had been cruelty. Each had wanted to push the boundaries. To see how far they could go before the other backed down.

Only Blacks never backed down.

"I would never have left you for her." Sirius shook his head vehemently, wanting to make his denial clear. "Never."

"Am I meant to be grateful for that, Sirius?" Remus retorted. "Were you doing me a favour?"

Sirius couldn't think of an answer to that. He understood entirely how Remus felt, and he loathed himself for being so selfish. He had been so caught up in his mind games with his cousin that, truth be told, he had never considered Remus's feelings for a second. Never mind that they were supposedly committed to each other. Never mind that they supposedly loved one another.

"Did you never stop to think how much it would hurt me?" Remus pressed on, mercilessly. "Did you think that it somehow didn't count because it was a woman you were fucking, not a man? Did you think I was a push over who wouldn't mind anyway? That I'd be so grateful that the great, Pureblood Sirius Black would deign to look at me, that I'd put up and shut up?"

"Don't be stupid!" Sirius shouted back.

"Why not? Is that your prerogative, Sirius?" Remus screamed, sounding near hysterical. "Are you the only one allowed to do stupid things? As long as you're alright, then great. Do what you please, and hang the consequences?"

"I love you, Moony. I always have, and I always will. Narcissa meant nothing to me, nothing at all!"

Silence hung in the air at these words. Sirius glanced at the coffee table, and noticed Remus's hands were physically shaking. The fair haired man seemed to wilt back into his chair, and for one dreadful moment Sirius thought he was going to faint.

"Oh, Sirius. Can't you see that's worse?" Remus sighed, sounding far older than his thirty five years. "What about when someone comes along who does mean something to you? Something more than 

I do, perhaps" He held up a hand to stop Sirius interjecting. "You say it won't happen now, but what if it does? If you could betray me for someone who means nothing to you, why would you hesitate to do so for someone who does?"

"Because I realise what a fucking moron that would make me." Sirius snapped. "Remus, you have no idea what I've been through these past years."

Remus's head snapped up so he was looking Sirius right in the eyes. "Excuse me?"

"I've had a lot of time to think. And believe me, I have done nothing but think. Do you know what kept me sane these past fourteen years?"

"Your belief in your own innocence, if Dumbledore is to be believed" Remus remarked, raising an eyebrow.

"The thought of you. I needed to apologise for what I did. When I ran away that night, I was always planning to come back and try and make things right. It was just my shitty luck that the Dementors got to me first."

"The mood you were in when you left that night, I almost wondered sometimes if you were glad to have an excuse not to come back" Remus smiled thinly.

Sirius shook his head and looked at his lap. He had always been planning to come home. He couldn't imagine a life without Remus by his side. He knew that he had done wrong. All he had wanted was some time to cool down. For both of them to cool down, before they talked things through. That was the good thing about him and Remus. They always talked things through in the end. Even when it took fourteen years of heartache to reach that point.

Sensing that Remus had calmed down slightly, Sirius wondered if he should seize his chance. He still loved the man sat next to him. It was true that in fourteen years he had thought of no-one else. Steeling his nerves, Sirius tentatively reached out his hand, before placing it firmly over Remus's. His heart was in his mouth as Remus turned to look at him, his surprise written all across the faintly scarred face.

"Remus, can you forgive me?" Sirius muttered, hardly daring to breathe. "please, let's put this behind us?"