Chapter Three
"Hey, Kurt, you look exhausted. Are you okay?" Kurt jumped a little, rubbing his eyes as he looked up at Blaine, who was gazing at him in concern.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, no, I'm just… I didn't get much sleep last night." He shrugged, trying to look nonchalant as he held back a yawn, but one look at the expression on Blaine's face told him that he wasn't getting out of this one.
"Why not?" Blaine asked, shifting closer than they usually dared when at school, but Kurt was too tired to worry about the possible consequences.
"Just…" he sighed, and Blaine covered his hand with his own. "Sebastian phoned me." He said quietly. Blaine frowned, looking extremely confused.
"Why? Wait, what time did he phone you to make you so tired?" He asked suddenly , eyes wide and suspicious. Kurt rubbed his hand over his face again.
"Around three. He… Look, he told me this in confidentiality, so please don't…" Blaine nodded in understanding, squeezing his boyfriend's hand.
"Kurt, you can tell me. I won't tell anyone, but if you think Sebastian would really not like it, then…" Kurt smiled a little, shaking his head.
"I don't even know if he meant to tell me. I just… Blaine, I think I was the only person he could call." He murmured, still shocked at the thought that the only person Sebastian had was a boy he probably still considered to be 'in his way'. Blaine looked appalled; sympathetic horror flaring in his yes. "He… he had a nightmare. I don't know what about, but… shit, Blaine, he was crying." Kurt whispered, closing his eyes.
After Sebastian had fallen asleep; his frantic breaths evening out into slow, even and steady inhales and exhales, Kurt had been unable to hang up. He woke in the morning after three hours of sleep to find that the call had disconnected during that brief period, but for the time following that phone call Kurt had sat and listened to Sebastian sleep, his brain tumbling over itself in flurries of frantic thoughts as they twisted amongst each other.
The sound of Sebastian crying had torn Kurt's heart to pieces; the image of him alone, clutching his phone in his hands and relying on Kurt, and he had not been able to stop thinking. About twins. About another Sebastian; a boy who looked the same but was still a different person. He thought about how close you would be to someone like that; to someone who was literally your other half.
He thought about what it would be like to discover that that person, so close and so special in a way he could barely comprehend, was going to die. He remembered the dread of knowing, just knowing no matter how hard you pretended, how little you understood, how happy it might have seemed, that it was all going to come to an end despite your prayers. He tried to imagine being the person in that position; knowing your life had a time limit that was far shorter than it should be. He could see how that might drive you to the point of wanting to die; if the pain was so bad that what little life you had left didn't seem worth it.
He tried to imagine being the person left behind; the half who had to stay alive.
He opened his eyes to find Blaine staring at him in concern; watching with careful eyes as he shook his head a little to clear it.
"I just… Blaine, when I lost my mother it was… it was hard. I don't know if… if that will ever leave me. I don't think so. But… god, Sebastian… I don't know what happened, but god, he's hurting right now Blaine, he's hurting so badly and I don't know what to do-"
"Hey, hey, Kurt, shh." Blaine regarded him for a moment, hands resting lightly on Kurt's shoulders in comfort. "This is really getting you down, isn't it?" He asked sounding slightly fascinated, as Kurt closed his eyes again, breathing still slightly erratic due to emotion, and nodded. Blaine made a thoughtful noise, while Kurt managed to get himself under control.
"I'm sorry. I just… I don't hate him so much now. Because…" Blaine nodded in return, smiling a little.
"He's hurting?" Blaine clarified, and Kurt nodded again, helpless and suddenly painfully aware that Blaine didn't understand.
Later, alone in the bathroom, he considered that, and he realised that he'd told Sebastian more about his mother than he had ever told anybody before. He had never even admitted to his dad how badly he missed her, how big the whole she left behind was.
His dad knew that, of course he knew, but they hadn't ever properly talked about it, hadn't discussed it or laid those hidden pains on the table. And yet, he'd told Sebastian; told him outright. He didn't even like him, they didn't like each other and yet he somehow… understood Sebastian.
That was all it was. He understood. Because it wouldn't have taken much for Kurt to turn out exactly the same way; part of him had turned out that way; bitchy and sarcastic. That was all they had; understanding.
He stared at the number saved under 'Sebastian', thumb smoothing over the 'call' button.
Sebastian chucked his French textbook across the room, scowling. He'd insisted he was sick, and he guessed he must have looked pretty shit after his night of very little sleep, nightmares and a lot more crying than he really wanted to admit to, because he was allowed to remain in his single dorm (yes, single dorm, his father was a state's attorney, of course he had a single dorm) for the day.
Only now he was wishing that he'd struggled through his lessons despite it all, because at least that would have given him something to do, something to stop him from thinking, god, anything, anything to stop him from thinking.
He was never going to tell anyone this, but he might have shrieked a little bit when his phone buzzed in his back pocket. He definitely jumped, and had to spend a moment calming himself down before he could scramble for his phone.
Flipping it open and still swearing foully under his breath, he had to read the name above the symbol of 'new message' at least six times before it really sank in; curse words dying in his throat.
Kurt - Hope you're feeling better.
He observed the text for a while, as if he was an animal checking to see if a predator was dead, before his thumbs hesitantly began to move across the keys.
Sebastian - Thank you. You?
Kurt - Tired.
Sebastian - Sorry
Kurt - Don't be. I meant it when I said you could call. You can, anytime, okay?
Sebastian - I don't understand why you're doing this.
Kurt - This?
Sebastian - This. Helping. Talking to me. God, even picking up the damn phone last night, giving me your number in the first place. Making that offer… why? Why would you do that? I'm the smirky meerkat who was trying to steal your boyfriend. Why?
The reply seemed to take ages, but Sebastian just couldn't stop staring at his screen, framed by his fingers, as he waited; not moving a muscle and barely breathing. Would Kurt answer him? Did Kurt even have an answer? Finally, unable to take it any longer, Sebastian typed out another message.
Sebastian - Am I a charity case? The reply to that was almost instantaneous; bare seconds after pressing the 'send' button;
Kurt - NO. No. Sebastian, get that thought out of your head. You're the last person I'm going to feel sorry for. Give me a minute to reply, can't you, that was a hard question!
Sebastian - Okay. Sorry. Just… Sebastian sighed again, leg jiggling anxiously as he waited, unable to stop the feeling of relief that Kurt didn't just view him as a charity case, and equally unable to stop the fear of what that meant.
Finally, his phone vibrated in his hand again.
Kurt - I'm doing 'this' because I've been there. Still am there, in a way. Probably always will be. Because… it wouldn't have taken much for me to turn out exactly like you have.
Sebastian - Like I have?
Kurt - You know what I mean. Unless you've *always* been a sexual predator who hangs around gay bars and tries to steal people's boyfriends?
A laugh bubbled up Sebastian's throat, coming out slightly strangled, but there nonetheless; amusement. His fingers flew across the keys, expression calculating but his mouth still tugged up into a smile.
Sebastian - You should have seen us. We were quite a team, me and Chris.
Kurt - Well that sounds terrifying. Sebastian grinned, about to reply when his phone buzzed again in his hand.
Kurt - Is that his name? He paused, breath catching and expression settling.
Sebastian - Yes. Christian.
Kurt - Sebastian and Christian Smythe.
Sebastian - Who's Elizabeth?
Kurt - You remember that? She was my mother.
Sebastian - Is your mother.
Kurt - What?
Sebastian - Just because she's dead doesn't mean she's not your mother anymore. Chris is still my brother.
Kurt - I guess so.
Sebastian - When?
Kurt - When I was ten. Cancer.
Sebastian - Chris too. In the brain.
Kurt - I'm sorry. Sebastian stared at the words, waiting for the familiar flare of anger that always came when people used that phrase; the phrase that slipped from people's mouths with very little sincerity; a generic comment that filled silences when people didn't know what to say.
It didn't come.
Maybe it was because he knew that Kurt actually meant it. Maybe because he knew exactly what Kurt meant by it; not 'I'm sorry he's dead' or even 'I'm sorry it happened' because really, what the fuck was the point in apologising for that, for something that nobody had any control over?
Kurt meant 'I'm sorry that it still hurts. For both of us.' And somehow, that made it okay.
Sebastian - Me too.
Kurt - There.
Sebastian - What?
Kurt - That, right there, that's why.
Sebastian - And again, what?
Kurt - Maybe I need someone to understand too.
