Dear Olga
Your one of the hardest people I have to do this project on. And I don't know how to even talk to you. Almost everyone on this list I have at least a form of relationship with. With you, I just feel nothing. Maybe I'm wrong about the no form of relationship but I just don't have a bond with you. It's been easy for me to just push you away. And it makes me so angry when you want to be there for me because I don't want you to. I don't want to need you.
I've known from a young age you've always been our parents, favorite child. And I know I can never compare to you as hard as I try. You will always be their favorite, no matter what idiotic thing you do. You will always have their love and affection. And that bothers me because I know they didn't want me. You can disagree all you want but you will never understand what it's like living underneath your shadow.
I hate you, I hate being told that I will never compare to you. I hate how every time you come around you act like you don't see how much you hurt me. And I hate knowing every single time I get mad at you I know that you want what's best for me. You want to protect me and love me.
I feel guilty because I'm the reason we don't have a relationship. Because when it comes down to it I'm petty. So what Miriam and Bob love you more. So what you will always be better than me. So what you where the daughter they wanted. I'm the reason we can't have a fucking normal sibling relationship.
I'm the fuck up in this equation. It's my fault. You are the queen of perfection. The ground in which you walk is like pure gold in our parent's eyes. And it shouldn't bother me anymore I'm seventeen years old. I should get over it grow up. But I can't because you get the parents I wish I had. You get everything handed to you while I work my ass off day in and day out and I don't even get a good job Helga you tried. And I hate you for it. And it's not your fault and I don't want you to think it is. But I'm so broke when it comes to anything involving you.
I feel like I can never compare to you and your greatness. I want to know what I did wrong how I can get our parents to love. But I know I didn't do anything, I know its not my fault. You are the easiest thing to be mad at because you get everything I want to have.
I abuse you as they abuse me because I envy you. I envy your beauty, your smarts your apathy your everything because I believe I'm nothing compared to you. I'm trying to be as honest and as blunt as I can with this.
I always feel like I don't belong when it comes to our family. That I should have never been born. I shouldn't have a raging acholic mother or a verbally abusive Father. I never deserved that. But you wouldn't know about these issues because they act all prim and proper when you're home. And it's not your fault and it's not your issue it's theirs but I should feel like I could come to you about these things but I don't.
I struggle with my anger and I can't blame them or you for my own shit. It my choice to be the way I am and I got to work out ways so I don't hurt anyone else. I need to work on letting you in because I see you try so hard to be in my life. I have got to stop blaming you for all my fuck ups. I have to stop hating you for all the things our parents have done to me because of its not your fault. Im realizing that I'm trying to change. And im sorry. I'm sorry I made you feel like you were nothing to me because you are. In my own twisted warped way, I love you. You've proven to me time and time again that you care about me and that's all I've ever wanted from anyone in our family.
Does this mean I won't lash out on you? I doubt it but I'm going to work on trying to communicate with you. Try my hardest to let you in. And im going to work on my angry. Its what I need to do so I can get in a better place because im not ok right now. Im going to try, I can only hope you will support me.
Yours truly
Your little sister
Helga
