This is not an original story. In fact it is one of my first. I really liked the storyline, but I was a new author. That meant that technically, I stunk. Thanks to people like Poa, Lucky47, and yes BrickRoad, hopefully I've improved. So I thought I would digitally re-master and re-release this… much like an aging rock group would their one hit.
So if you ever read the original, most of this will be really familiar. There will be some new content and a lot more details but the story is basically going to be the same. Since this was written before season 2, we didn't know about Sarah's dad. And since his story is central to this and differs dramatically from the show, I'm not going to try and fix that. So this story will remain very much AU. If this is well received well, I'll probably do the same to Fake Relationship.
Oh, one other thing that I should have mentioned is that my growth as a writer included getting a tad more explicit describing the intimate scenes. I promise, nothing that will keep this from a T rating. BTW, I blame Poa for that, lol.
I don't own Chuck, Sarah, or any of the characters portrayed here
The Reason
x-x-x-x-x
It was good that Frank allowed Sarah to eat lunch by herself. It allowed her the space to process the morning's events on her own. Of course maybe Frank wanted some space of his own. That was fine too.
"Frank," Sarah said as soon as they were both comfortably seated after lunch. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course you can ask me a question," replied Frank. "I sure have been asking you enough."
"How did you know?"
Even though Frank knew full well what she was getting at, he wanted her to say it. "How did I know what?" he asked.
"How did you know that I would choose Chuck over my job?" Sarah asked softly.
"Well I didn't exactly know," Frank confessed with a smile. "But it was a pretty safe bet, wasn't it? If the job was the real reason you wouldn't have been so conflicted. If the job was more important there really wouldn't be any decision to make, would there? You would have left with Bryce when you had the chance."
"What if I hadn't done what you expected?" Sarah asked.
"Was there really any chance of that happening?" Frank asked with a twinkle in his eye.
"No," Sarah said with a small smile coming across her face. "But you didn't know that, did you? It seems like a big risk to take."
"I wasn't taking a risk at all," Frank said thoughtfully. "If you had chosen your job, at least we would know the truth, right? Knowing the truth is the whole battle. We can't deal with issues when we don't know what they are. And make no mistake what all this is about. I don't have a dog in this hunt. I'm not trying to get you to decide to throw yourself in Chuck's arms, to marry him and have his babies."
Sarah's head jerked up. "Then what are you trying to do?" she asked.
"That's easy," Frank replied quickly. "I'm trying to get you to figure out what it is that you truly want. Not what you think that you are supposed to want, what you really want. And once you figure that out, to not be afraid to go for it with zero regrets. That's the only way for you to be truly happy. And if that means you remain a lone-wolf CIA Agent, alone for the rest of your life, who am I to object? But the fact is, there are two people being affected by the choice you're going to make. I don't know Chuck Bartowski at all. I've only talked to him for a few minutes. But he seems like a very nice guy. So it seems humane to make this call as soon as possible and move on. To do that we have to understand the real issue."
"When did you talk to Chuck?" Sarah asked. "What did he say?"
"I talked to him on the phone yesterday," Frank said. "I'm not going to tell you specifically what he said. That's a doctor thing. But I will tell you that I came away very impressed with him. He seemed like a very nice, intelligent young man who knows what he wants."
"What does he want?"
Frank smiled. "Come on, Sarah," he said. "I can't tell you that. But do you really have to ask me?"
"No," Sarah said with a sigh. "I know what he wants."
"So," Frank said. "You probably owe him a decision one way or the other. If you can't give him what he wants, he needs to be able to move on. Anything else borders on cruel, don't you think?"
Sarah nodded. "I'm not trying to be cruel," she said. "I know that it probably looks like it. He's truly the nicest person in the world. Be honest with me. Do you know what my real issue is?"
"I think so," Frank said softly. "I think that you do too. You just need to admit it to yourself."
"Could you please just tell me?" Sarah asked in a pleading tone. "Then I'll admit it and this will be over. Then I can go back to Chuck."
"I'm sorry, Sarah," Frank said with a laugh. "It simply doesn't work that way. It's not going to mean anything to you if I tell you. You need to tell yourself. I know that this may sound like a scene from The Wizard of Oz, but you're the only one you'll truly believe. I know that you want to get back to Chuck. But let me ask you a question. If Chuck walked in that door right now, what would you do?"
"I don't know," Sarah said sadly.
"Precisely," Frank said. "Sarah, I know that you're tired of being here. I know that you miss him. I know that he misses you and that knowledge causes you pain. But please hang in there for just a while longer. We're almost home. I promise we're close to you knowing what you will do."
Sarah paused for a moment. "I'm scared," she said. "What if I decide that I can't be with Chuck? I don't think I can live with that."
"And that's the biggest reason why it's probably not going to happen," Frank said softly. "But let's face some facts here, if the decision were that easy, you wouldn't have any trouble making it. If you are going to have anything real with Chuck, it needs to be based on what you both really want. Not what you fear. Not what you think you should want. But what you want. Let's figure out what that really is. If you're going to be with Chuck, then you'll really have a chance. If you can't be with him for whatever reason, well, it's better for you both to know that now."
Sarah sighed in agreement.
"Are you ready to get back to work?" Frank asked.
Sarah nodded.
"Okay, Sarah," Frank said softly. "I know that this part is going to be hard on you. We'll go as slow as you want. But I want to hear about your dad. I know that he was an agent. That must have made for a strained relationship. Agents are usually not good at relationships. Can you talk about that?"
Sarah looked around the room uncomfortably for a moment. "Well, Frank," she finally began. "The truth is there isn't much to say. I was much closer to my mother. But she died of cancer when I was fifteen. My dad wasn't around much. After my mom died, our relationship was kind of strained. And when he was around, he prepared me for life in the only way he knew how. I remember our last talk like it was yesterday…"
x-x-x-x-x
Sarah couldn't begin to keep the disappointment off her face.
"Come on, Sarah," Dad said. "You know that I can't be at your basketball game. I'm going to be out of town."
"But daddy," Sarah said. "It's the conference championship game. All of the parents are going to be introduced before the game."
"I'm sorry baby," Dad said softly. "I really am. I was never cut out to be a single parent. With my job it's going to be really hard. I didn't count on your mom dying."
"I really miss her," Sarah said sadly.
"I do too," Dad said. "But you're eighteen now, Sarah. You're not a little girl anymore. It's time that you learned how to be a woman. And the most important lesson that you need to learn is to depend on yourself."
"I don't understand," Sarah said.
"It's easy, really," dad said. "Whenever you depend on other people, they'll eventually let you down. I know that I've let you down for the past eighteen years by putting my job first. The one person that you have to depend on is you, nobody else, you. I'm sorry that I can't sugar coat this for you baby. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Sarah did realize what he was saying, all too well. He was telling her that she couldn't depend on him. She nodded as tears began to form in her eyes.
"I do want to tell you how proud I am," he said with a smile. "First team all conference. Wow, that's great. I can't tell you how much I love you. Look at you. You're all grown up."
"Thanks, daddy," Sarah said with her face lit up in a huge grin. "I love you too."
"Just remember, baby," he said as he hugged her tightly. "Never depend on anyone but yourself. You'll only be hurt. That's a lesson you'll need to survive in this world on your own. Do you promise me?"
"Yes, daddy, I promise."
x-x-x-x-x
"So, Sarah," Frank started softly. "Basically your dad was telling you that you couldn't trust anybody, not him, not anybody. Do you think that he was still grieving over your mom dying?"
"Maybe," Sarah said as she nodded. "I never thought about it that way but it makes sense."
"He was an agent," Frank said. "That's sort of how agents are conditioned to think."
"I think that he knew he was in a dangerous line of work," Sarah said sadly. "I wasn't totally sure what he did at the time. I just knew that he worked for the government and was away a lot. But now I realize he was getting me ready to be on my own. He didn't have time to do it gently. He wanted to be sure that I was ready. I understand that he probably wasn't the world's best dad. But he was trying to protect me in the only way he knew."
"Is that why you were drawn to the CIA?" Frank asked gently. "It's the perfect place to be totally on your own. Is that why you were so driven to become the best agent in the whole CIA? I know that your dad was killed on a mission when you were eighteen. You joined the agency right after that. Was your dad getting killed the reason?"
"Actually, Frank," Sarah said without looking up from the floor. "I was recruited at his funeral…"
x-x-x-x-x
It was a sunny; warn spring day as Sarah stood at her dad's grave site. She was wearing a conservative dark blue dress. Since the day was sunny, her sunglasses seemed appropriate. Sarah held the flag that the Marine in his full dress blues had just handed her. She honestly had no clue what she was supposed to do with it. It was the flag that just moments ago had been draped over his coffin.
Since Sarah was an only child and her mother had passed away a couple of years ago, there was not much family. Her mother had two brothers and Sarah had three cousins but since they lived out of state, they were never close. Sarah had some friends from school that came to the funeral but none of them came to the grave site. For the life of her, Sarah couldn't figure out why there were so many people at the ceremony that she didn't know. And why did a Marine pick her up at her house in a limo? After all, her dad just worked for the government. One by one, the people in the blue suits drifted away leaving Sarah standing alone silently. Her Marine driver was standing at attention by the car waiting for her. Sarah had told herself before the day started that she would not cry but that was honestly becoming a challenge. So Sarah stood alone fighting to hold back tears when a man in a dark blue business suit walked up to her.
"Hi, Sarah," the man said with a smile. "My name is Jim. I worked some with your dad. Mind if I talk to you for a minute?"
Sarah wasn't really in a mood to talk. But she didn't want to be completely rude. "Suit yourself," she answered sullenly without looking up.
"I'm sorry about your dad," Jim said with a smile. "He was a good man."
The good man who just up and died leaving his only daughter totally alone? That good man? "Was he?" Sarah asked, making little effort to keep the sarcasm from her voice.
If Jim took any offense at her tone he didn't show it. His smile remained relaxed. "Of course," he said. "Tell me Sarah, what are your plans now? I mean you just graduated from High School. You really don't have any family to speak of. Would you consider following in your dads footsteps?"
That was the very, very last thing that Sarah expected him to say. "What would the government want with me?" Sarah asked in surprise.
"Don't sell yourself short, Sarah," Jim said. "I've been doing some checking. You're very bright. You're a super athlete. You just made all-conference in basketball, right? And you've really blossomed into quite a beautiful young lady. I'm sure that the government will have no problem using your skills."
Jim's calling her beautiful raised Sarah's alarms. She never though of herself as beautiful. She was much more comfortable in gym clothes playing basketball than in a dress. "What would I have to do?" she asked slowly.
"Don't worry." Jim replied soothingly. "You'll be thoroughly trained. Sarah, I'm offering you the chance of a lifetime. You'll get to serve your country and the greater good. But you'll also get to see the world and have exciting experiences that a normal person never does. You'll get to follow in your dad's footsteps. Who knows, someday you might even get to avenge his death. Wouldn't you like that?"
He was painting a very attractive picture. And it wasn't like she had any other plans. Sarah very slightly nodded as she met Jim's eye for the first time.
"I'll tell you what," Jim said confidently. "You spend some time and think about what I'm offering you. I'll come by your house tonight and answer any questions you have. I assume you'll be alone?"
Sarah nodded sadly. Who else would be there? She was all alone.
"Okay," Jim said. "I'll be by around ten."
Suddenly this seemed too easy. She knew that she should question him. But she also didn't want to blow this by offending him. "Can I see some ID?" she finally asked cautiously. "I've never seen you before. How do I know you're really from the government?"
If Jim was offended, he didn't show it. "No problem," he said. Then he showed Sarah his ID. It sure looked official enough. It had his picture. It didn't have any specific agency identified, just like her dad's.
"Satisfied?" Jim said with a grin.
Sarah just nodded sheepishly.
"Good," Jim said as he got up to leave. "It's going to be very important that you trust me. Really think this over, Sarah. I'm offering you a life changing opportunity. It's not going to ever be offered again."
x-x-x-x-x
When Jim knocked on Sarah's door right at ten o'clock, she was actually grateful. She wasn't looking forward to spending that first night all alone in her big house.
"Hi Sarah," Jim said cheerily as she let him in to the house. "Have you thought about my offer?"
Sarah probably should have been a little coyer. But she just couldn't hide her excitement. "It's all that I've been thinking about." she said. "How is this going to work?"
"It's good that you're excited, Sarah," Jim said with a laugh. "The first three months you will be in basic training. You'll be taught how to protect yourself and how to use weapons. Then, depending on how well you do, you'll get some advanced training. That advanced training will depend on what they determine your skills are and what they need at the time."
"That sounds great," Sarah said. "Where do I sign?"
"If you pass my test, I'll take you to the office tomorrow and we'll get you all signed up," Jim said in a matter of fact tone.
"Test?" Sarah asked in surprise.
"Don't worry," Jim said. "I have no question but that you'll pass with flying colors. You have everything that it takes. But I'm sticking my neck out for you here Sarah. If you let me down, it's going to cost me. Let's be clear about something. You're not joining the Girl Scouts. You're going to be asked to do some things that you normally wouldn't even consider doing. You're going to be asked to make some serious personal sacrifices for the common good. Things like personal modesty have no place in an agent's life. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"I'm ready." Sarah said firmly. "I really want this."
Jim made no effort to hide the fact that he was now checking her out as overtly as young Sarah had ever been checked out in her life. "One of the main things that a female agent has to learn," he said with a calm smile. "Is how to use your good looks as a weapon. You're a beautiful woman, Sarah. It's simply a fact of life that men melt when confronted with that beauty, especially when it's used properly. You're going to need to learn how to seduce men that you've never met. It will save your life. Are you up for that? You're not going to turn bashful on me are you?"
"I'm going to do what I have to do." said Sarah firmly.
"Good," Jim said with the smile of victory. "In that case, I think that it's time for your first lesson. Do you think that you could smile and take off your clothes for me?"
At first Sarah wasn't sure that she heard him correctly. "My clothes?" she asked."
Jim's calm smile never wavered. "Of course," he said. "You have to learn to be sexy."
Sarah hesitated. "I don't know what to do," she said.
"I know," Jim said as he loosened his tie and sat on the couch to watch. "We have to work on that. It's a mandatory skill for agents. You're very lucky I'm here to train you. Why don't you just start with taking off your clothes? Slowly. When you're finished with that, don't worry. I have some other things to teach you."
x-x-x-x-x
Frank was making no effort to conceal the anger in his voice. "So," he said. "Let me get this straight. He recruited an innocent eighteen year old schoolgirl at her father's funeral and then exploited her grief, excitement over a new opportunity, and just plain naivety to get her into bed that very day? Who is this guy? Is he still with the agency? I'd like to have a little chat with him… and his superiors."
Sarah was honestly touched that Frank would be so angry in her behalf. It was sweet. "No, he's been dead for a couple of years," Sarah said with a sad smile. "Don't worry about me. I'm long over it. It was a long time ago. I guess I deserved it for being so stupid. He didn't make me do anything that I haven't done on missions."
Frank nodded sadly. "They ask far too much from you ladies," he said. "No wonder I'm so busy picking up the pieces."
"It's kind of funny," Sarah continued. "When I told Bryce this story, he didn't have a problem with what Jim did to me. He said that Jim was smart, that he just took advantage of a situation to get what he wanted. Bryce said that he would have done the same thing. He laughed at me for being so naive."
"What did Chuck say when you told him?" Frank asked curiously.
"I've never told Chuck," said Sarah with a smile. "But I already know how he would react. First, he would get all sweet and worry if I was okay. Then he would want to hunt Jim down and hurt him… like you just did. I didn't think that therapists were supposed to get emotionally involved. Thank you for that. It was sweet."
For the first time in the two days that Sarah had known him, Frank looked uncomfortable, embarrassed even. "And why haven't you told Chuck?" he asked more to change the subject than anything. "It sounds like he would be very supportive."
"I didn't want to rub his face in the fact that here is the story of yet another guy that I've had sex with who isn't named Chuck," Sarah said sadly.
"Don't you think he would understand?" Frank asked. "He seems pretty willing to accept you for what you are."
"He would understand," Sarah said. "Of course he would. I just don't want to hurt him. I won't lie to him but I think it's better if I just don't volunteer that kind of stuff. Besides, he shouldn't have to understand about the things I'm forcing him to, should he?"
Frank ignored her question, for now anyway. "You know," he said. "I actually think that it's better to get these sorts of issues out in the open. It might make Chuck feel closer to you that you trusted him enough to understand. There are legitimate reasons why you're asking him to understand. It might help him a little to feel like his sacrifice was part of something larger. And in any event, if you're really going to have a meaningful relationship with Chuck you're going to have to work out your different views on sex."
"Maybe you're right," Sarah said disgustedly. "Bryce was sure right about one thing. It was a very valuable lesson. I was so stupid. You can't trust anybody. My dad was right. The only person that you can depend on is yourself."
Frank looked at Sarah thoughtfully for a full minute. Finally he spoke. "Does that include Chuck?"
Sarah just sat and stared straight ahead blankly. Frank waited patiently not wanting to interfere with her thoughts. After a couple of minutes the tears started to form in her eyes.
"Oh my God," Sarah whispered, more to herself than to Frank. "That's it. If I tell Chuck that I'm in love with him, I'll have to start depending on him. I'll have to make myself vulnerable to him. That's it, isn't it?"
"Congratulations, Dorothy, you're officially back in Kansas," Frank said softly with a smile. I'm really very proud of you, Sarah. You figured this out in less than two days. I think that may be a record."
"Thanks," Sarah whispered through her tears.
"But the real question," Frank continued. "Is what are you going to do with that knowledge? You love Chuck. But do you love him enough to start depending on him? Do you trust him enough to know that he won't betray you? That he's not using you like Jim and Bryce did? That he won't die and leave you alone like your mom and dad? Or are you better off continuing to be on your own, like you promised your dad? Not having to risk ever being devastated by someone again."
"Why are you trying to talk me out of this?" Sarah demanded. "I thought you were rooting for him?"
"This isn't about me," Frank quickly said. "This is about you. Whatever it is that you truly want, that's what I'm rooting for."
"I really love him, Frank," Sarah said as she struggled to wipe the tears from her eyes. "I know that I do."
"I know that you do," Frank said. "That's no longer in question. But this isn't about that. This is about you, how you see yourself as a person. Can you really see yourself as half of Chuck and Sarah? That's what is required for a healthy lifetime relationship. At the end of the day, is that love going to be enough?"
Sarah just stared, not trusting herself to speak without breaking down. Finally she whispered, "It has to be. I don't have any choice. I can't picture my life without him."
"Well the timing couldn't be any more perfect." Frank said with a smile. He picked up the phone. "Janice," he said. "Could you please send him in?"
The door opened and he walked in wordlessly.
When Sarah looked up in shock, she was looking directly into the eyes of one Charles Irving Bartowski.
x-x-x-x-x
