Laura opened Carmilla's laptop as she slept.
She knew she wasn't supposed to ever go through someone's private life, but she had to know more about Carmilla.
She saw a Youtube video that was bookmarked as a favorite on the toolbar. Laura clicked on the video titled "Heavy in Your Arms" by Florence + The Machine.
As she listened to the entire song, Laura could feel her heart breaking.
Why would Carmilla love this song so much?
Did she believe that her love, for anyone, was such a burden?
Did Carmilla think that she was incapable of love or being loved?
xxx
Heavy in Your Arms by Florence + The Machine
I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
My feet dragged across the ground
And he took me to the river
Where he slowly let me drown
My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
And is it worth the wait
All this killing time?
Are you strong enough to stand
Protecting both your heart and mine?
Who is the betrayer?
Who's the killer in the crowd?
The one who creeps in corridors
And doesn't make a sound
My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall
My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms
I'm so heavy, heavy
So heavy in your arms
This will be my last confession
"I love you" never felt like any blessing
Oh
Whispering like it's a secret
Only to condemn the one who hears it
With a heavy heart
Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
(I'm so) Heavy, heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
I was a heavy heart to carry
My beloved was weighed down
My arms around his neck
My fingers laced to crown
I was a heavy heart to carry
But he never let me down
When he had me in his arms
My feet never touched the ground
I'm so heavy, heavy in your arms
Heavy, I'm so heavy in your arms
xxx
Carmilla was roused from her sleep and saw Laura crying.
"What's wrong, Laura?"
At this point, Carmilla didn't even care if Laura had looked at her laptop.
"Why do you love listening to this song so much? You even bookmarked it."
"It's a warning for myself."
"But why do you have to warn yourself?"
Carmilla was pulling at a string on her pillow.
"It's because I'm incapable of feeling love. Even if I could, it would cause more harm than good. My significant other would feel the weight of how much of a burden I am."
"How can you say such a thing about yourself?"
"Because that's what I was before when it came to the woman I cared deeply for. What difference would it make?"
"You won't know until you have fallen in love."
"Love is weakness. It just brings out the worst in people. I don't believe in the whole "You have to love yourself before you can love another person". It's complete and utter bullshit! People, humans in general, tend to make fools of themselves.
I don't believe in fate or love at first sight. Those are just coincidences or what romantic poets conjured up to make their poems appeal more to audiences. It's impossible to love someone so much that you'd be willing to die for them.
The woman I used to call Mother never once showed me what you call love. I was just someone to keep around and talk to, nothing more. She used me as her pawn. I was never good enough for her, so how could I ever be good enough for someone else?"
"You don't know that! It's like you're trying to find fault in yourself to try to make it so everything supposedly has a reason behind it. Not everything we do or say always makes sense."
"Why are we even wasting our time discussing love? It's not worth talking another second about, so just drop it."
Laura frowned.
Carmilla leaned over her bed to vomit and instead of blood coming out, it was a black sludge.
"Fucking great! This talk of love has literally made me even more ill."
"I know you're dead, but do you think those are your organs?"
"I'm not going to mess with that to find out. Why do you even care if I'm dying a painful death all over again? You should go home and forget this ever happened."
"How can I when you're so sick? Someone needs to take care of you."
"Look, I'm not some damn stray that can be cured by going to a doctor."
"I can get my good friend Lafontaine, they might know what to do."
"No. Nobody else can be involved. I don't even know if this is contagious or not. For your own good, go home and forget about the old vampire that's dying."
"I'm not letting my study buddy die on me!"
"It's too late, Buttercup."
"No, it's never too late, Carm!"
Carmilla wiped her mouth and looked up at Laura when she referred to her by her nickname.
If anyone else had said it, she would've ignored it or told them to shut the hell up.
With Laura, that nickname belonged.
"Please, Laura, just go home."
"Having you around must've made it feel like a home because right now, it feels like an empty apartment, completely dead."
Laura got as close to Carmilla as she could and even if she was contagious, Laura would take that risk to help her.
"You were so stubborn before and now, you're so much worse. Why do you never listen to me? Why can't you see that I'm trying to protect you?"
"Protect me from what? You?"
Carmilla sighed, "Yes, from me. I'm trying to protect you from the person I was and the person I am. Why can't you just walk away and not come back? You were living the life you wanted before I came to ruin your life.
You would've been okay without me like before, so just continue living on your own."
"How can you tell me that you ruined my life? How do you even know? You aren't in my head or know what it's like to live without you. It's like the other half of my heart is missing."
Carmilla sat there mulling over the words that Laura spoke to her.
"And what if I don't want to leave you? What if I want to stay with you? What if I want you in my life? Did you ever think that just maybe, you're wrong about me?"
"I know you better than you think."
"What were we?"
"We were the moon and the stars, we were the light mixed with the dark, and you were more than a study buddy. You were mine and I was yours."
"So basically, you're saying that I was your everything?"
"You still are my everything."
