Operation Otter Heart

Chapter Three: Lady Marlene

In their secret headquarters underneath the penguin habitat, Kowalski was working one of his pet projects, breaking the human's code. "Fascinating!" the brainy penguin muttered as he stared at a legal document. "Unfortunately it just doesn't make any sense!"

"Why?" Private piped up in his high-pitched voice. "What does it say?"

"It says that The Penguins of Madagascar as well as Madagascar and Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa are the properties of Dreamworks Animation," Kowalski said incredulously.

"But there aren't any penguins in Madagascar," Private pointed out. "At least there weren't any when we were there."

"Not only that but the second island of Madagascar isn't on any of our charts," Kowalski said as he pulled down an atlas of the Earth. "As you can see, only one island of Madagascar is on the map!"

"Maybe the second one escaped to Africa," Private offered. "It could be in the Sudan, maybe."

"It's possible," Kowalski nodded. "I just can't understand how an animation studio could own an entire nation, maybe two."

"It certainly is a puzzler," Private agreed. "Maybe they're not the only ones who own them. Does the document mention anybody else?"

Kowalski put a jeweler's lens to his eye and squinted at the document. "CBS Broadcasting Inc.," he finally said, "and Viacom, but it's hard to tell if CBS owns Viacom or Viacom owns CBS, or whether they both own Dreamworks Animation," he shook his head. "I don't think I'm getting all of it."

"Does it mention anybody else?" Private asked.

"Nickelodeon," Kowalski added. "I'm almost sure that this name is 'Nickelodeon," he repeated, but he didn't seem sure.

"Isn't that a kind of jukebox?" Private asked. "I didn't know anybody was still making them!"

"I'm sorry, Private," Kowalski took the jeweler's lens off his eye and shook his head. "It's obvious that I'm not getting the whole thing. The fragments I've been able to translate are gibberish!"

"Have you been able to decode anything else?" Private asked him.

"Something about a story has been written for the purpose of entertainment, and a warning that no one is permitted to use this document for profit, not even the author!"

"Not even the one who wrote it?" Private shuddered. "But that doesn't seem fair. Why did he write it then?"

"Unknown Private," Kowalski said gravely. "Until I can translate the rest of this document, we may never know!"

"I hope they're not forcing him," Private shivered. "Maybe he needs to be rescued!"

"For now, there is nothing we can do," Kowalski said with deadly seriousness. "If I can't decode the rest of this, all we can do is pray."

Private put his flippers together and whined quietly.

At that moment, Skipper and Rico entered the room. "Look alive men!" their leader called. "The ringtail is inviting the whole zoo together to hear some sort of announcement! This could be the development we've been waiting for!"

"Well what are we waiting for?" Private smiled, as the mysterious document was forgotten.

Soon nearly every animal in the zoo was in the lemur habitat.

"Ten peanuts says this is about his feet," Marlene murmured to the elephant standing next to her.

"Deal," the elephant murmured.

"If this about his feet I'm going to knock that lemur into next week," Skipper added. "What are the odds of the royal pain messing it up?"

"Given his sheer obliviousness I'd have to say he has at least an eighty-nine point six percent chance of dropping the ball in some stupid and thoughtless way," Kowalski said evenly.

"I can live with those odds," Skipper smiled optimistically. They had beat worse odds than that.

"Hear ye! Hear ye!" Maurice shouted. "You have all been gathered here today to dig a royal proclamation from King Julian himself! Take it away, King Julian!"

"Thank you for that stirring introduction, Maurice," Julian said with false melodrama. "It gets me right here," he pointed to a spot on his chest." He looked down at his torso and seemed unsure of himself. "Or is it 'right here'?" he poked at another spot on his chest. "Or maybe 'here'?" he poked at his stomach. "Maurice, exactly where does it get me?"

Maurice cleared his throat uncomfortably and gestured with his head to their audience.

"Oh well," Julian said with a dopey smile. "It doesn't matter where it gets me. The point is that it gets me somewhere. Now I suppose you want to know why I, the royal me, have summoned you…"

"Come on!" Skipper shouted. "While we're still young!"

"I think that it is a little late for you, crusty penguin," Julian teased, "but you are right; it is time to cut to the chases! The reason why I have invited the bunch of you here is to tell you some ting very important. The words I say next will be the most important words you have ever heard. Now listen carefully…" Suddenly, the lemur king seemed self-conscious as he stopped himself and made a shooing gesture with his hands. "Not those words!" he clarified. "'Now listen closely' is important, but not as important as the words I will next be saying! Now listen closely the words I'm about to say… right now! Um, now! Now!"

"Get on with it already!" Skipper shouted.

"Very well," the ring-tailed lemur struck a dramatic pose. "The reason that I have invited you unwashed commoners to visit me is because I am to be giving one of you a promotion! One of you unwashed commoners will be washed and no longer be common! The uncommon commoner that I, the royal me, is speaking of will be knighted!"

A collective gasp came from the assembled zoo animals. The chameleons present changed to a bright orange color.

"Aha… I thought that would get the attention of you!" Julian gloated. "Now I wonder which of you can guess which disgusting commoner it will be?"

Various voices came from the assembled animals. Shouts of 'Skipper' and 'Maurice' were the most common, but Phil and Mason's names were shouted out too.

"Close but I'm not handing out the cigars my silly commoner friends," Julian teased. "And besides, all of your guessing is getting annoying! No. The one who is being knighted today is Marlene."

A second collective gasp came from the assembled animals. The penguins looked at each other nervously. The chameleons turned a bright red.

"Huh? Me?" Marlene put her forepaw to her chest in disbelief.

"You owe me ten peanuts," the elephant beside her muttered.

"Yes, come forward, silly otter!" Julian commanded. "Maurice! Fetch me the royal scepter!"

Mort dashed forward carrying a rod constructed from a hollow reed and topped with a large strawberry.

"Ugh," Julian shuddered when he took the scepter from Mort. "I was hoping you wouldn't be touching it Mort. Oh well. Marlene! Come forward!"

Marlene hesitantly approached the lemur king. "Wow!" she gushed. "What did I do to deserve this? This is quite an honor! I'm being made an official lemur! I don't know what to say…"

"Marlene," Julian interrupted.

"Yes, Julian?" she asked brightly.

"Shut up a little, okay?" he suggested.

The otter's nervous and sunny smile was replaced by a frown, but she was too cute and cuddly to really intimidate anybody.

"Ho kay," Julian announced. "Anoint the otter!" he commanded.

Maurice and Mort shook moist paintbrushes at Marlene, allowing drops of moisture to splash on her.

"What is this stuff?" she asked suspiciously.

"You don't want to know," Maurice informed her.

"This is so exciting!" Mason the chimpanzee told his silent brother. "An actual knighting ceremony! I'm so honored to be here I may not even throw poo!"

His brother used American Sign Language to communicate with him.

"Very well Phil," Mason conceded. "You're right. We can watch the ceremony and fling poo."

"Ho kay otter," Julian closed his eyes and stood on tiptoes. "On your kneezes! It is time for the dubbing already!"

Marlene knelt before the lemur king.

Julian moved his scepter to lightly tap each of Marlene's shoulders. "By the power invested in me by the sky spirits and all of lemurs in Madagascar, back home, I now dub thee Lady Marlene! You are now a lady, for that is the female word for knight, with all the rights and the privileges. Arise, Lady Marlene!"

The otter rose to her hind legs with a hopeful smile on her face. "Wow!" she gushed. "I'm a knight! Do I have any royal duties?"

"No, I do the royal duties, but I bury them afterwards," Julian told her. "But that reminds me: I have another royal proclamation to make! Maurice!"

"Hear ye! Hear ye!" Maurice shouted. "His majesty, King Julian the thirteenth, has another royal proclamation for you to dig! All you cats get ready and listen up!"

"Yes," Julian nodded. "My royal proclamation is this: Since Lady Marlene is no longer a disgusting unwashed commoner like the rest of you, she is allowed to court the royal me. So Marlene, I look forward to your lavish gifts as you attempt to gain my favor. You can now go shopping or something."

"Wait, what?" said a confused Marlene.

"Silly otter, the entire zoo knows that you are to be the crushing on me," laughed Julian. "I, in my infinite kingness, decided to make things the easy on you. Now, despite your common upbringings, you are now nobility and are allowed to get my attention and try to become my royal queen. But cut down on the fish. I don't like my queens with fishy breath."

"What?" a surprised Marlene clenched her forepaws to her chest in shock.

"I do not expect my royal queens to be deaf also," Julian added. He leaned forward and shouted in her ear. "I IN MY INFINITE KINGNESS…"

"I heard you the first time!" Marlene shouted. "I just didn't believe it!"

"Well, heads of state have been known to fib from time to time," Julian shrugged, "but that is for the case of the national security."

"No, I mean I can't believe that you concocted this ridiculous knighting ceremony because you've got the hots for me!"

"Hold off throwing your poo Phil," Mason instructed his brother. "This is getting interesting."

The penguins put their flippers to their faces in horrified disbelief.

"Let me get this straight," Marlene growled. "You've got the hots for me, and you expect me to woo you?"

"But of course," he said without being perturbed in the slightest. "I made you a lady, not a princess. You still of the lower station than me. It would be unseemly for me to court you."

"Well forget it!" Marlene snarled. "You can take your noble knighthood back! I don't need to be a lady, because I have no intention of courting you!"

"Silly otter," Julian snickered. "You are now a noblewoman. You cannot marry someone below your station. From where I be standing, you do not have a lot of the choices, do you not?"

"Ooooh!" she closed her eyes and clenched her fists to her sides.

"There is no need to be thanking me," Julian cooed. "Now despite having stupid and disgusting commoner parents, you are so much more better than them. You are nowhere near as good as the kingly me, but those are the ways the cookies are crumbling."

"You take back what you said about my parents!" Marlene pointed an accusing digit at Julian.

"My humble and royal apologies," Julian shrugged. "Now that you have been knighted you are so much, much, much more better than your really, really, really, stupid and disgusting commoner parents, is that better?"

"Hurrgh!" the otter growled and stomped off. "You're just lucky I'm not armed," she muttered under her breath.

"The female of the species, any species, who can be figuring them out?" Julian shrugged. "Oh well. I've thrown the ball in the court that is hers." With that the king of the lemurs and lord of the ringtails turned and walked away. "Dum-dee-dum-dum-dum…" he hummed without a care in the world.

As the rest of the animals walked away and the chimpanzees flung a substance best not described, the penguins shook their heads in disbelief.

"I can't believe that stupid ringtail!" Skipper exclaimed. "Doesn't he have a single brain cell in his lower mammal head?"

"The probability of an unsuccessful courtship was high but this degree of error was exceptional for even Julian," Kowalski agreed.

"Poor Marlene," Private clasped his flippers guiltily. "Julian humiliated her in front of the entire zoo! And it's all our fault!"

"Bleah," gagged Rico.

"Kowalski," Skipper turned to his brainy lieutenant. "Tell me there's a way we can salvage this!"

"Uh, I suppose that a gesture on Julian's part can repair the damage," Kowalski said hesitantly, "but Skipper, it might be time to try Plan B."

Next: Otter Things Have Happened