A/N : Wow... this took me longer than I thought it would... As it turns out, there is indeed a lot they need to say to each other. It took me blood, sweat and tears, and I hope it manages to live up to expectations... a little bit at least.
SO MUCH I NEED TO SAY TO YOU – CHAPTER 3
He looks at me with those gorgeous big brown eyes of his, silently imploring me to speak, and I slowly feel my resistance ebb away.
My resistance to tell him about my fears. I don't really want to tell him.
Aren't I the one who has to be strong?
Aren't I the one who has to sustain us?
If I don't... then what...? If I show him that I'm just as scared as he is, where does that leave us? I really don't know if I'm brave enough to admit to my fears.
But he won't let it go. I know him well enough to know that.
And I also know he's right. We really need to talk. Get it all out in the open. And why shouldn't I tell him?
Syed is my best friend. I just told him that I trust him. And I do.
He is the only person who I can tell anything and everything to. I know he won't judge me. He loves me more than I thought anyone could, and I love him more than life itself.
And it's that thought that suddenly grips me. It's that thought that suddenly brings to the fore all my hidden insecurities.
I squeeze him tightly in my arms, suddenly overwhelmed by my emotions. He strokes my back in comfort.
"Tell me, darling" he whispers."Please tell me what it is. I know something is on your mind. I can feel you're upset. Please explain it to me."
I feel something give way in me. Like a dam has broken and it all just comes pouring out, my biggest fear. There it is.
"I'm afraid of losing you...!" I nearly choke on the words. "I just... don't want to lose you!"
I struggle in vain to hold back my tears, and hide my face in the crook of his neck. I hate feeling vulnerable. And right now I do. So much. Syed doesn't speak, he just holds me close, lets me cry and gives me time.
"When..." I sigh tremulously, after my tears have subsided a little. "When that roof beam fell down … and you... you were lying there... and I didn't know... I didn't know if... you were all right... It just.. just hit me. What would I do without you? What would my life be without you? I was so scared... I'd never been so scared in my entire life... You are everything to me, Sy... Everything..."
Despite my own distress I can still feel him react to that. A soft sigh ripples through him, as if he's just rediscovered something that he'd lost.
I cling to him.
"And then … you were okay, and I didn't lose you... and still... Still... I couldn't let it go... Ever since, I've been so terrified of anything happening to you… of losing you…"
I'm afraid to tell him the last bit. The ultimate part of my fear. But I clench my eyes firmly closed and blurt it out.
"Of you leaving me... of history repeating itself even…"
Syed pulls back a little to look at me, but I lower my eyes – I can't face him.
"Why on earth would I leave you?" he asks, and his voice is so quiet and so tender that I just have to look up at him
"You are everything to me, Christian. Don't you know that?"
"Yes... but..."
"But what?"
"You're so... so beautiful, and so young, Sy... and you've got all your life ahead of you. And one day you'll discover that there's more to life than... just... settling down with... me. Me! What am I? What have I got to offer ? I'm just an old … an sad old qu... "
"Let me tell you what you are," he interrupts me resolutely, "you are a fool, Christian Clarke. You're a fool if you think that I would want anything else... anyone else but you."
He softly caresses my cheek. "Is that why you sent me away?"
I can only nod. I don't trust my voice. I know it would only take one more word to break whatever little bit is left of my self-control right now.
"You pushed me away to avoid getting hurt..." He finally understands, and shakes his head in regret.
"And I did hurt you, didn't I? I said some dreadful things..."
But I don't want him to blame himself. He always does that, and there's just no need. We've both been stupid.
"So did I..." I remind him. "I hurt you so badly, Sy, and still you blame yourself… Don't do that... Please."
I take a deep breath. It's hard for me to admit to my fears, but I know it's finally time to tell him everything. I know that Syed is the only one who really understands me.
"All my life, Sy... I've only depended on me. I was in control of my own life... And now.. I depend on you. My happiness depends on you. And sometimes... most of the time in fact, that terrifies the hell out of me... I feel vulnerable, and … exposed... And I'm not used to feeling that way. I'm not used to feeling scared... not even of things I have no control over, but this...this..." I sigh, suddenly deflated.
Then I feel his gentle hands wrap around my face, and he makes me look up, his beautiful dark eyes locking on mine.
"I told you before, Christian" he whispers "and I'm telling you again. I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I don't want a new exciting life, or whatever it is you and that silly head of yours imagine that I've been denied... I don't want it. Not if it's without you."
I feel my heart leap at his words. I never doubted it. Not really.
And still I have to ask.
"Are you sure?"
He smiles at me tenderly.
"Yes! I'm sure. You and me, Christian – that's what I want. Us."
He still holds my face in his hands, his thumbs are softly caressing my jaws. His eyes don't waver from mine.
"And… I want a family with you, Christian. I want us to have a family...together"
The look in his eyes reminds me again of the day he came home with me at last. That look in his eyes that convinced me that he meant it. He means it now. I know he does. I know that this is real.
But a little nagging voice in the back of my head makes me ask him the dreaded question.
"Then..." I clear my throat uncomfortably "Then why did you say that you didn't? That you didn't want to be a dad. That you weren't ready, and that..." I swallow hard, "that you thought you never would be..."
He sighs, and shakes his head in mild self-rebuke.
"I'm sorry," he says ruefully."I just needed to lash out..." He rolls his eyes when I huff at that. "I know, I know... we're as bad as each other...!"
In that so familiar gesture of helplessness, he runs his hand through his hair.
"It was all such a mess in my head. I'd just been talking to dad..."
"Masood?" Now I get it.
"Oh... I see, I bet he said that it was all wrong... for us, for two gay men, to start a family... Made sure to remind you that it was sinful and..." I know I sound resentful, but there's not been any love lost between me and Syed's father. I used to think he was a decent enough chap, but then I saw the real man behind the perfect façade, and I can't forgive him for the way he's been treating his son...
"No, Christian. It wasn't like that. Not at all..." Syed sighs, sitting back. "He was okay, actually. Of course, he wasn't exactly jumping up and down with joy at our plans, but... he was okay. He listened..."
I feel a sharp tug at my heart at that, and look at him. But Syed's eyes are closed, he's lost in the memory, and from the next thing he says, I know that remark wasn't a dig at me.
"He listened to me, Christian. My father listened to me. You can't imagine how that made me feel. It had been so long since... since we even sat down face to face and talked... For a moment there, my dad... felt like he was my dad again. And it had been so long since that happened. It felt good...even to disagree..."
He takes a deep breath. I am reminded again of how important his family is to Syed. How much he must have missed that bond over the past months. He hardly ever used to talk about it, but since the first tentative steps to a reconciliation were made, I have become more aware of his need to reconnect with that part of his life. And it has scared me. It still does... if I'm honest.
But I push it away. We've been through this. Too many times. I trust Sy. Reconnecting with his family will not take him away from me. I know that.
Besides, it can only a be good thing. For him, most of all. For his self-esteem, his confidence... and also for us... and for our future...
Syed's words interrupt the train of thought surging through my brain.
"So... no... he didn't exactly encourage me to go ahead with it... Well, what did you expect? But... he didn't try to talk me out of it either. He just told me that whatever I decided to do... I had to be sure. I had to be sure it was right for me, that it was what I wanted, and that I wasn't just doing it... to please you..."
The words hang between us for a moment.
"It hit a nerve, Christian. I've never hidden to you that I have doubts, have I? Maybe you just didn't see it, or maybe you chose not to. And I guess I should have been more clear, more open about it. I'm really sorry if I wasn't... But... you know me, don't you? I have to … chew on things. Think them over. Imagine everything that could possibly go wrong. I worry. I hesitate. That's me. It's in my nature.
You... you're so different. You grasp life and you run with it... And a lot of the time, I'm brave enough to close my eyes, take your hand and run along with you... And I'm happy to..."
He finally looks at me again.
"But sometimes, you're just running too fast, and I get scared, Christian..." he bites his lip "And this... this was one of those times..."
I watch him as he sits there, fidgeting nervously, picking at his fingers. There was a time when I thought there was no possible way I could love him more than I already do. And then he says something … something like this, and my heart just melts. I reach out and take his hand in mine again, entwining my fingers with his, and silently encourage him to continue.
He swallows as if he gathers up the courage to say something he's held back for a long time.
"My worries, Christian... my doubts... when I asked whether we are enough, you and me, for a child, whether we are good enough to be parents... It was never about us being gay. It isn't. I don't want you to think that. It's connected to it, I admit, but it's never … in essence... about that. You and me, we're just two people with a lot of love to give. I know that any child would be lucky to have you as a father... and... well... I guess I'm okay too... But it's not just about what we think, is it...?"
He shrugs a bit uncomfortably. I know how he's far too humble to speak good of himself. He has such a low view of himself, I want to shake it out of him sometimes.
But now is not the time. I just let him speak.
"I really don't think, Christian, that us being gay should stop us from being parents… But ..."
He sighs, "I do worry that things might be more difficult, because we're gay. Not just for us, but also, and maybe even more so, for the child... When we were in the café with Amy the other day... and those guys... You know... the stuff they said... It really got to me. Not for our sakes, but for hers. We're adults, Christian. We live our lives the way we choose to, and the things other people think, or say, about that ... I can live with that. It's not nice to be judged, to be intimidated, to be called names, or to be stared at..., and I may never really get used to the ignorance of some people... but I can live with it. It's part and parcel of our lives... and I accept that. But ..."
He sighs. "Is it fair to put an innocent child through that...? A child who doesn't have a choice in the matter, should they be exposed to that kind of... horridness... ?"
An uneasy feeling of disquiet creeps up on me.
Is he having second thoughts again?
He must read the worry on my face, because with shaky fingers he reaches out and softly wipes away the frown that creases my forehead.
"I need you, Christian... you, with all your confidence and your positive outlook on the world... I need you to reassure me. To tell me it will be fine, that we will get our child through all this stuff, that we'll give them confidence and self-esteem and all that... I know we can, I trust we can."
His eyes fill, but no tears spill over.
"But we need to talk about these things, Christian. We can't just brush it under the carpet. It's a reality we're going to be confronted with, and I worry about it. And I need to know that your … enthusiasm to become a parent hasn't blinded you from that reality. In that silly muddled-up mind of mine, I need those things … resolved somehow... And I depend on you for that... I need you for that…."
I feel a wave of tenderness wash over me; my heart swells with love for this precious man.
I put his nervous hand to my lips and press a kiss to the palm.
I understand his worries. Of course I do. It's not as if I don't have them as well... I just like to push them away to the back of my head, pretend they're not there. That's how I deal with them... by not dealing with them. I usually only want to think about crossing bridges when we come to them. And then I forge ahead, unyielding and determined. It's not the best way of handling things, I know that, but it helps me to move forward.
It's different for him. He can only move forward after he's considered and untangled these things beforehand.
And he is right. This is too important to just ignore.
"My darling Sy..." I squeeze his hand reassuringly. "You're right... As gay parents... we will have to face some tough challenges, raising a kid in …. in this society that can be... so... bloody intolerant. It makes me sad, and yeah... a little scared too... But ... you and me, together, we will teach our child about love and respect and tolerance. We will teach them to see the world as if they were colour blind. We'll show them that it doesn't matter what shade their skin is or... or whom they love... And that they should always respect others and other people's views, even if they're not the same as their own... Our son or daughter will grow up strong, and respectful and... beautiful... Beautiful, Sy... because we will love them, and guide them and... "
I stop, suddenly embarrassed, because I know I'm getting carried away again in all my enthusiasm.
Sy is smiling at me, tentatively, as if what I'm saying is too good to be true.
"You'll be a wonderful dad, Sy." I vow. "You're the most caring, most courageous person I've ever met."
He is momentarily taken aback by that statement.
"I'm not courageous" he mumbles.
"But you are! You aren't afraid of what other people think about you."
Sy is shaking his head in doubt.
"Well okay... Maybe you are … a bit... But what I mean is that you aren't afraid to be you anymore. You're honest... open-hearted... compassionate... you're a good man, Sy! In fact, you're the best person I know." My voice is hoarse, I'm getting pretty sentimental now.
"You are so amazing, and you don't even know it..."
"But it's not just about that, is it, Christian... ?" he interrupts me.
There's a trace of … painful trepidation in his voice.
"What if...?" He bites his lip.
"What if what?"
"What if... our application is turned down...?" he blurts out.
"It won't be." I am adamant. I don't even want to consider that. Now that we've finally reached this point, I'm not even contemplating failure.
"It might be"
"It won't!"
"But what if it is, Christian?" He won't let it go. "We may think we are the best potential parents in the world, but it's not up to us to decide that, is it? What if the people who asses us don't see it that way... ?"
"Sy, please, don't even go there"
"Why not? We have to be real about this, Christian. There's loads of reasons why... why we might not be approved..."
"Sy...!"
"No, Christian! Seriously..." he sighs "and the truth is... a lot of these reasons would be down to me..."
"Don't do this..."
"No... Listen to me!" He draws in a steadying breath. "Barely a year ago... I... I tried to kill myself... and.. they may think that I'm not … stable... enough or... whatever..."
I really don't want to hear this... Being reminded of Syed's attempt to take his life makes me go all cold inside – I don't want to think about it... I don't... But he goes on relentlessly, spilling at last all the worries and the worst-case scenarios that never-stopping, unrelenting mind of his keeps manufacturing.
"Or what if they find out about that …that... therapy ... I put myself through? I went into therapy, Christian, because I wanted to stop myself from..."
He has to stop to gasp for air "... from wanting to be with you... from loving you... What does that say about me? About my... my emotional stability... and..."
"Sy, don't..."
"Why not?" He's desperate now. "It's not because we don't ever talk about it, Christian, that it didn't happen. It happened, okay...? It's real. I did all that. We can't keep ignoring it... They won't..."
"You're not that person anymore, Sy..."
"No, I'm not. I know that, and you know that, but..."
Suddenly I see what this is all about. It is like someone turning a light on in my head as it dawns on me.
He doesn't think... he can't be thinking...?
I take his face in my hands, force him to look at me, force him to stop what he is doing...
"Sy... stop it... Stop it now...!" I urge him. He takes a deep breath...
"Look at me" I ask him. "Please,..." He finally lifts his eyes up.
"Sy... my darling... please, don't do this to yourself. Whatever happens, you and me are in this together. We're doing this together, or we're not doing it at all... Do you hear me? Forget all the stupid things I said earlier about.. doing it on my own..."
I cringe. Saying it again, that horrible, hurtful lie, puts a bitter taste in my mouth. I can't believe I really said that to him.
"There is no possible way I could do this without you, Sy...that I would even want to do this without you. You have changed me, Sy. You've made me into the man I am now, and I'm so thankful for that... If it weren't for you, who knows where I would be right now. You hold us together... And I want you to know that I'll be there for you, through anything. Whatever happens... whatever we have to face... you and me... ... we'll face it together. And we'll be fine. I promise"
"Look... I hear you, Sy... I do. I know that this home study is going to be serious stuff... But all we can do is be honest, and be ourselves. They will see how committed we are... And they will see that whatever we had to face in the past, all the stuff we went through to get to this point... it has only made us stronger. It has made us so strong, Sy..."
He closes his eyes and leans his face into my hands cradling his face, absorbing my words. I can almost hear the cogs in his head churning...
"I know it has" he whispers at last.
"And if..." I start... "If we're not approved..."
It pains me to say it. There's a part of me, that over-enthusiastic, over-optimistic, over-positive part, that just doesn't want to go there. I don't want to think about not succeeding, as if that will jinx it somehow.
But I need him to know that whatever happens, it won't change a thing between us.
"If it's not meant to be, Sy..." I swallow hard "then it's not meant to be... But we'll still have each other. We'll always have each other..."
I draw him near. "Okay?"
"Okay," he says softly.
He leans into my embrace and takes a deep, shivering breath before he opens his eyes to look at me again.
"You see...?" he smiles at me tentatively, and with shaking hands he touches my cheek. "You always manage to ease my worries..."
He bites his lip, serious again.
"This is what I needed to hear from you when I came home yesterday... I needed to talk to you, I so needed to talk to you... because after speaking to dad, I realized I may have not been totally honest with you... I want this, Christian, I really do... but it doesn't mean that I don't worry. That I don't have doubts... I needed to tell you that... So that we could find a way through those worries together. Together, Christian. Not you rushing ahead, pulling me along, and me just … stumbling behind... Together... Like parents do. I was going to ask you if we could slow down a bit. Do things a bit more at my pace..."
He sighs.
"And then … I came home and you... You were packing our lives away. I couldn't believe you were doing that. Again... you were pressing on, sprinting ahead. You had decided, on your own, what we were going to do... You had decided that we were going to move, there and then... without even thinking of talking to me about it... without even asking... Asking if... if I even wanted to move...
If I wanted to leave behind... the only place I've ever... ever... been happy... in my entire life... Our home, Christian. Our little haven..."
A strangled sob escapes his lips and I feel guilt claw at my heart. What have I done?
"Sy... I'm so sorry..."
"I couldn't believe you were doing that, Christian... It was the last straw, I couldn't take anymore... I… I snapped. And I said all the wrong things… "
He shakes his head regretfully.
"Like I did" I remind him.
It suddenly strikes me. How close we came. How close we came to nearly throwing everything away. Everything we fought so hard for. I look at him. He's so beautiful. All of him, gorgeous from the inside out. I am the luckiest man in the world, and I nearly gave it up... For what?
"We came pretty close, didn't we? To throwing away our chance, I mean," Syed says quietly, as if he's reading my mind again. "We nearly lost each other,... because we were angry... and afraid..." His voice is breaking.
"I... I... almost... let you go... because I was stubborn and angry... and scared." I admit, nearly choking on the words.
The thought hits me like a blow to the face "I'm so, so sorry"
Without hesitation, he reaches out and wraps his arms around me. I bury my face in his shoulder, and let his nearness envelop me.
"I've missed you so much," I whisper. "God, I'm so sorry."
He pulls away slightly to wipe away my tears, gently brushing my cheeks with his fingertips.
"Stop saying that. You're forgiven, and it's forgotten." He tilts my face to his. "We had a rough time, Christian, and we both made mistakes."
He wraps me, trembling, in his arms again. "But it's in the past now. And we're still together."
"We really do need to talk more, don't we…?" I mutter against his shoulder.
"Yeah… we do" he agrees.
His gentle hands rubs my back in comforting strokes.
"Everything is gonna be okay now..." he whispers in my ear.
"Is it?" I wonder.
"Yes, it is. And you know why?"
"Why?"
He pulls back again and gazes at me, his gorgeous dark eyes, beautiful, bottomless, are holding mine.
"Because I love you, Christian Clarke"
I reach out and trace his face with my fingertips. From his temple, along his beautiful cheekbones, and finally down to his mouth. My touch lingers there, softly stroking his lips, and I can't resist pressing a soft kiss there.
He kisses me back and smiles.
"That's not talking, Christian" he chuckles.
"Isn't it?" I ask innocently. "Damn…"
We both laugh at the light relief.
"Do you still love me?" he suddenly asks, there's a soft quaver in his voice. Any other time, that question would have alarmed me, shocked me even, but strangely, it does not now.
There is no doubt.
"Yes." I say. "Yes! With all my heart. Yes! For ever and ever... Everyone else is... is second best ... You know that... don't you, Sy?"
"I do" he bites his lip. "It's just… after everything we've been through over the past couple of days… I really needed to hear you say that…"
He looks at me, tears on the brim of his eyes, and I rest my hand on his cheek to wipe those away that have already fallen.
I search in his eyes for a sign that he's okay.
His next words reassure me.
"You do know that I feel the same way about you, don't you?"
"I do" I say, and my heart skips a beat.
We sit in comfortable silence for a while. His fingers trace soft circles on my arm and he sighs quietly.
I lean against him, and feel myself relax, truly relax, for the first time in days.
"Do you know what made me change my mind, Christian?" Syed finally asks.
"Sy... you don't have to explain..."
But he puts his finger on my lips to silence me.
"My heart." He smiles at me, a little shy.
"It was simple in the end... I just had to do what I did last time I made a decision that changed my life…" His eyes are burning bright at the memory.
"Take a step back, rid my head of all those things that confuse and worry me, and just... just look into my heart to find out what I want... And what I really want is this. I really want a family with you, Christian."
His disarming, simple honesty renders me speechless.
There's a lump in my throat and I swallow desperately to push it away. So that I can finally tell him what I should have told him a long, long time ago.
"You asked me, Sy... what it is that makes me want to be a dad so badly… And you're right… there really is no one-size fit-all answer to that question. There are so many things that are part of the reason why. I don't know where to start, really... Sometimes I'm surprised myself at that need I feel to start a family. I never thought I'd feel like this. The thought of becoming a father had been on my mind before, but it wasn't until I met you, until you and me started to form our own little unit, that I became serious about it, that I realized how much I really wanted it... I guess it must be something about finding your soul mate... Because the main reason I want it... is just simply... that I want it with you..."
I cup his face in my hands again.
His eyes are shining, he's desperately trying not to cry, and so am I.
"I love you, Sy. You... you are amazing. I can't wait for you to become a dad. You'll be the best…. And I can't wait to expand our family, our little circle, and seal the bond between us just that little bit more. There are so many children that have been dealt a bad hand in life. To welcome one of them in our home, and in our hearts, and to let them be loved – it's a wonderful thing that we can offer. Imagine the joy we'll feel in helping that kid grow, and become their own... And… all the things we can learn from them… And...
I have a thousand answers, Sy..."
He smiles at me through his tears.
"I don't need a thousand answers, Christian... Just one will do."
And looking into his beautiful face, it suddenly comes to me. It's simple really.
"It feels right, Sy. It just, really, feels like the right thing to do..."
"There…you see? That wasn't too hard, was it?" he murmurs "You got it in one…"
He pulls my face close to his. From my forehead, over my eyelids, down my cheek, he leaves a trail of soft butterfly kisses until he reaches my mouth. Our lips join in a brief loving kiss. It's not the all-consuming passion that so often rages between us, instead it offers the promise of love, comfort and the emotional togetherness we nearly lost.
"I'm sorry, Christian, that it's taken me so long."
I hush him, press his hand to my cheek.
"It's all right," I say softly. "I forgive you…. And I'm sorry too, for pushing too hard…"
"I forgive you too," he says, and it feels like a great weight lifting from me.
We remain locked in the moment – and in each other's eyes - for minutes. It feels like hours.
Syed snuggles close to me and I wrap him in my arms. He buries his face in my neck and sighs deeply.
"Just hold me, Christian" his voice is just a whisper.
I close my eyes, and stroking through the soft hairs at the nape of his neck, I revel in the feeling of holding him in my arms again.
"Always." I promise.
