Her silence was her response by her not showing at the airport the bond that I thought we shared was severed. I never thought I would regret writing what I felt for her in that letter. I had opened my heart to her I needed her to know what I felt and now that she did she rejected it and had shown what a fool I was to believe she would return those feelings.
Leaving the airport I am a man on a mission. That mission being to drink until I can no longer feel or have to face the reality that is my life. I am destined to be alone since the only person I could ever love has shattered my heart and has destroyed any hope of me ever having a normal life.
I stopped at the liquor store and stocked up. I needed to drown my pain and I needed help. I could not face tomorrow knowing she would be marrying another man in her attempt to have a normal life.
I snort our lives could never be normal.
Normal was nine to five dinner on the table by seven and watching TV together till ten or eleven and then heading to bed together.
That was what she wanted, something I could never give a sense of normalcy in our hectic lives.
She had asked me once about children and my heart sank. I had always wondered what our children would look like. I knew they would take after her since heaven forbid one of them would take after me and….
I shook my head and berated myself for letting me slip back to my dream that was no longer attainable.
I drove home were I would stay for the next two days lock myself away from the world and come back as nothing had happen and back to my old self. Maybe I would finally retire. The fight in me was gone. Working behind a desk had dulled my senses and I had lost my edge. Maybe I'd retire. Go live off world, maybe Laira would take me back. She had loved me but only to give her children. The life there would be simple and I had made do for three months so it might work. Maybe I'd go back to Athos to Kinthia she was older now and she could make me forget a certain blond on earth.
I thought to myself who are you kidding you are so not ever going to get over her that as hard as you try she will always be in your mind and in your heart.
I drove up my drive and stopped. This was the last person I expected to be here. After what I had told her earlier today I thought she would have left me like Sam had. I got out of my truck and made my way up to my door. It opened and Kerry was at the door with a look of relief.
She had been acting strange since I walked into the house this morning from a long night at the base. She had stayed with me even though I told her I was exhausted and only wanted to sleep. She tried to get into bed with me but I told her no.
My mind had been made up that morning that I was going to write the letter and set my plan in motion and that included telling Kerry that I was sorry for leading her on and that she deserved better. I awoke to find her making me lunch.
I so did not deserve this woman and here she was never asking for anymore then what I have given her. I told her we needed to talk she said if it could wait she was going back to Washington that night for a meeting and she would be back for the weekend. I was about to tell her when the phone rang. It was for her and she was needed back on the base. She asked if it could wait and I looked at her and hated myself for what I was about to say.
I told her I could no longer see her that she deserved better and that I was not the man that would be able to commit to her. She asked me point blank was there someone else and I told her yes and no. She shook her head and said that we could make it work that she loved me and didn't want to lose me that I had become a big part of her life and that she wanted to build on that.
She pleaded with me to give us a chance. I told her I couldn't do anything till I got my head cleared. She said she understood and went to get her purse. She came to me and kissed me softly on my lips she said she loved me. Not the general, but the man that was Jack O'Neill and that she would fight for our love. I moved back and told her not to say that I was not worth the effort. She walked to the door and turned and said I was selling myself short that I was worth ten men but she would wait till I got my head together.
Then she surprised me by saying she loved me.
She left me then and I was in shock. She loved me? Why I was an ass most of the time and an old war horse months away from being put out to pasture. I could not do that to her I had to tell her the truth. I picked up the phone but she was not answering. I left her a message to please call me.
That was earlier that day. Before my reality came crashing down my life had changed in a blink of an eye. Sam did not care for me and I was going to be alone for all time.
It was almost 11:00 pm and she was at my door. I did not want company and I did not want to hurt her anymore. I deserved to be alone for the pain I had caused her.
I walked past her and she followed me to the kitchen. I asked her what she was doing at my house and she said had missed her plane and that she would be taking a flight the next day. She asked if she could stay and finish our talk.
I was about to send her to her hotel when the phone rang.
It was the SGC and I needed to get back to the base ASAP.
I was relieved I needed an out and I got it. I told her I had to go and she looked disappointed. I went to the door and turned around. I told her that I had not changed my mind and that we should not be seeing each other anymore. It was for the best. She tried to say something and I stopped her. I told her I could never truly commit to her. That she deserved to be loved and I was not the man for the job. I asked her to forgive me leading her on and that I loved her but was not in love with her. She turned away. I said if she wanted to stay it was fine that I'd be gone for a while. She whispered her thanks and said she was sorry and ran from the living room to the bathroom.
I left and headed for the SGC. I'd done enough damage and thought it was best to leave her alone. Let her hate me it would be easier for her to move on.
I had done enough damage for one day.
Arriving at the base I was surprised by all the activity. Teal'c came up to me and started to inform me of the rebel Jaffa's information he had received.
They were preparing for a strike against two minor Gou'alds that would free a great number of there fellow Jaffa and they could take over the ships and weapons that they had in their possession. He said he was joining Bray'tac and Ray'ac on this attack.
This was the answer I was looking for. I asked that we meet in the conference room in 1 hour I was going to contact the President on the new developments.
I informed the President on the developments and the significance this attack would have on the on going battle the Rebel Jaffa had been fighting with the Gou'ald. He agreed with me and said we should support this effort with everything we could supply them with. I then dropped my bombshell on him. I requested to accompany the Rebel Jaffa on this attack claiming I was the only one that could be used in this attack since we didn't know exactly what we would be facing. He said no that there had to be someone else. I was persistent and keep coming up with reasons why I should go.
I finally said I would retire and go on my own if I wasn't allowed to lead the attack to say the man was not a little ticked off by my tactics would be putting it mildly but said he'd give me a call back in an hour and that I was not to do anything rash until then.
I didn't care, I had nothing left the career I thought I wanted was not what it turned out to be. I was a soldier not a sit behind the desk type of guy.
I left my office and everyone involved was in the briefing room. Teal'c asked if they had the Tau'ri support I told him yes that the President had agreed to us helping him and his people with the attack. They started to plan what was needed and we decided to use the alpha base as our starting point. I pulled Teal'c and Bra'tac aside and told them about me coming along.
Teal'c looked surprised but pleased. He said it would be good to fight with his brother beside him in what might be the last fight for their freedom. Bra'tac questioned me as to why I wanted to join their fight but said he welcomed my help knowing I would do everything in my power to help them win this battle.
I had their backing. That's all I needed now if only the president would agree, if he didn't I'd hand in my resignation and walk through the gate not caring if I came back or not.
The only reason for me to stay or to have a reason to live no longer cared if I lived or died. She had made it clear to me when she did not show.
She would be married by the time I walked through that gate closing another sad chapter in my life. I could only bear so much before I finally cracked. Leaving was for the best it would be awkward between us if I was to stay with her knowing what was in my heart.
I went back to my office to write out three letters one to Daniel, one for Cassie and the last to General Hammond to explain my decision to leave.
I called Kerry to let her know I was not coming back that a mission had come up and it looked like a one way trip. She asked me not to go. I said I had to. She said she understood and told me she loved me, and that she was sorry. I told her that she had nothing to be sorry about. We hung up and I finished my letters.
The phone rang and it was General Hammond asking what the hell had gotten into me and I was not to move out of my office until he got there. I had forgotten he was in town for Carter's wedding and said I wasn't going to change my mind but only got a dial tone as a response.
I went to locker room and started to gear up either way with the president's blessing or without it I was checking out of planet earth and starting life out in the stars. I needed to go it was time and I would rather be out there fighting then sitting here and watching her be happy with out me.
