Chapter 3

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Forgot to update before I went to camp! Whoops, sorry guys...


...i've lost so much along the way...


Ryou kicked at a stone and watched it skitter across the broken sidewalk. Stupid, he thought. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Stupid rock. Stupid sunny day. Stupid happy people hanging out at the arcade, laughing and joking as if the world wasn't ending. Pressing his lips tightly together, Ryou slid down the fence and hugged his knees to his chest. Thick strands of white hair fell across his eyes.

He felt hollow inside, like there was a big, gaping hole in his chest. This wasn't like when Amane died. This was worse, so much worse and he couldn't even cry, he just felt hollow and cheap and sick and oh, God, why was this happening to him?

/Ryou?/

"Go away," he muttered out loud, burying his face in his arms. /…Just go away./

It was several months after the Pharaoh had first appeared in his mind, all arrogance and daring smirks. Six, to be exact. He'd learned lots since then, least of all the ability to speak to the Pharaoh within his mind. He'd even discovered his own soul room, lucky him.

He wondered if it'd be okay to just slip away into the small room and lock the door. The Pharaoh had never been able to find him in there. All he wanted was to be alone in his mind, just once in his life. He just wanted to be left in peace.

/Ryou, I'm sorry./

Ryou snorted a little at that. Not at the apology so much as the fact that the Pharaoh was using his given name. The ancient spirit never did that. It was always baka this and usuratonkachi that. It was enough to give him a complex, but he found he'd prefer almost anything to being called Ryou right now.

/Please, Ryou, listen./

He'd tell the Pharaoh to shut up, if he were that kind of guy. He'd never said that to anyone before. Not even after Amane's death. How pathetic was that. Fifteen, and he'd never in life told anyone to shut up. Heh, he thought bemusedly. Maybe today he could start.

"Shut up," he said aloud, tasting the words on his lips. He smiled to himself. Yes, that would do quite nicely, thank you. "Or maybe I should say urusai. We are moving to Japan, after all. I should practice my Japanese. You'd probably be a great teacher," he continued scathingly. He could almost feel the Pharaoh flinch beside him.

/Ryou, I…/

"Stop calling me that!" Just leave me alone. Please, just…

The voice in his head was suddenly angry. /Ryou, don't you dare blame this on me. I had nothing to do with this./

/Didn't you?/ Ryou returned bitterly. /It's what you wanted, after all./

/I never wanted this!/

"Of course you did!" Ryou shouted, unmindful of the people across the street who had turned to stare at him. "Everything you've done, everything you are is to get your precious aibou back," he hissed.

The Pharaoh was silent. With a sigh, Ryou leaned back against the fence.

"And now… she's… she…" He swallowed the lump of tears in his throat. He'd never been one to care if others saw him crying- if he was doing so, then there was a reason for it. But now, it was as if his stomach had tied itself into one big knot, and his eyes were totally dry.

The voice had gone back to being concerned. /Ryou, I'm sorry, truly I am. Your mother…/

/Shut up,/ Ryou said again. It didn't sound as nice in his mind as it had out loud. /You never knew her./

/You're right,/ the Pharaoh replied desperately. /I didn't. But you did. You loved her./

Ryou barked out a laugh. "Of course I did. I don't need you to tell me that."

The frustration was creeping back into the Pharaoh's voice. /Baka. I'm not telling you that. I'm reminding you of it. She was everything to you, like my aibou is to me. You can't begrudge me for not being sorry about seeing him./

Ryou wiped at his eyes, though there were still no tears there. The Pharaoh never talked about Yugi, for all that Ryou asked about him. All he knew about the other boy was that he was short, and kind. Even learning that had taken almost half the night after terrible a nightmare about his sister's death.

But right now he didn't care. Because right now, the world was ending around him and all the Pharaoh could talk about was his stupid aibou.

He felt the Pharaoh grow angry at his cutting down of Yugi. Well, good then. He needed someone to lash out at. Feeling an ugly sneer twist his face, he said out loud, "Believe me, Pharaoh, the way I loved my mother is nothing like the way you 'love' Yugi. I think I'd kill myself if the only reason I loved her was because I wanted to fuck her senseless."

He instantly felt terrible. He didn't know he was capable of even thinking such words, let alone saying them to a friend. And that's what the Pharaoh was, wasn't he? A friend? Or at least someone who cared enough to see him through nightmares and help him study (sort of). Ryou immediately tried to snatch back his words.

"Pharaoh, I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I don't know… I mean…"

But once again, there was silence in his mind. Ryou closed his eyes, drawing a breath. /Pharaoh?/ he called. /Please, I didn't mean…/

/I don't want to do that to him./

Ryou started, parted his lips to reply, then closed them as he realized that this was probably not the time and place to discuss the extent of the Pharaoh's feelings towards his aibou. He sighed. /I know,/ he lied. /I'm sorry, I didn't mean it./

But the fact was, he had caught the Pharaoh's thoughts a few months back. He knew how the spirit felt about Yugi, even if the Pharaoh himself didn't. And he knew that there was only one way his family would ever move to Japan to see Yugi. The Pharaoh had figured it out in a day. Ryou had never been the quickest intelligence-wise, but when the Pharaoh laid it out like that, it was hard not to catch on.

The only reason Ryou's family would move to Domino was if his mother died.

And now that she had passed, there was no reason for he and his father to stay in Blackwater, when most of his father's business transactions took place in Japan. So within the next few weeks, they would move, and the Pharaoh would have Yugi and Ryou's mind would be his own once again.

He didn't wonder why that thought didn't make him any happier.

"Bakura?"

Ryou glanced up from his arms and suddenly found himself staring into the dark eyes of Yvonne, a girl in his pre-calc class at school. She was unnaturally close. Swallowing, he pushed himself back against the fence and hugged his knees tighter to his chest. She peered at him cryptically.

"Are you alright?" she asked in a dubious tone.

He didn't really want to start a conversation with anyone right now, so he forced a strained smile and rubbed the back of his neck, slightly embarrassed. "Ah, yes, I'm fine. I'll just be going now."

But the girl didn't move anywhere except closer, if that were possible. "I heard you're moving to Japan," she said, and suddenly her entire aura seemed to change. She batted her eyelashes at him flirtatiously. "Aren't you going to say goodbye to me?"

Why would I say goodbye to her? I don't even know her!

Ryou frantically searched for something to say. "Uh, bye?" He winced. That sounded pathetic, even to him.

He frowned as the Pharaoh began to chuckle in the back of his head. /Stop it!/

"What was that?" Yvonne asked, blinking. Ryou froze.

"Um, I, uh… didn't say anything." His voice dropped to an embarrassed mumble at the end. What was it about girls that made him act like this? It was always this way with him. Of course, some of his best friends were girls, but that was different. He'd known those girls since he was like, five.

/Perhaps it's your subconscious trying to tell you something,/ the Pharaoh mused slyly.

/I said stop it!/ "I really have to go, though. Moving and stuff, you know." He offered Yvonne a shy smile. "I'll see you tomorrow, I guess!"

Her face fell in response to his leaving, then lit up again at the mention of him seeing her the next day. "See you later, then, Ryou!" she replied, stressing his given name. He winced. Then he did as only men could do in the face of adversity.

He ran, feet pounding against the sidewalk as he hurried home.


/It appears you're a bit of a ladies man, Ryou,/ the Pharaoh commented later, in the safety of Ryou's room. He sounded amused. Ryou, for his part, scowled, then blushed.

"So?" he muttered. "It's not my fault."

The Pharaoh gave a derisive snort. /Of course not. You're a pretty boy./

Ryou shrugged, picking up a stuffed dog from his bed. Amane had given it to him when they were young, and he figured it would be good to hug something now. He'd never really cared that he was much too old for stuffies, or that boys probably weren't supposed to have dozens of them lining their shelves. If it was from his mother or Amane, it was precious to him.

/…Aibou was never considered to be a pretty boy, but he had a certain… cuteness about him that made girls cling onto his arms like he was the last man on Earth,/ the Pharaoh said after a moment, a wistful smile on his face. Ryou blinked and looked up at him, stilling immediately.

The Pharaoh had never, to Ryou's knowledge, spoken about Yugi with out severe encouragement from Ryou. And even then, the words were stilted and curt, as if it were physically painful to discuss the other boy. So Ryou cautiously leaned forward on the bed, and asked, "What was he like?"

He held his breath as the Pharaoh turned to stare at him. He'd asked the question once before, in the dead of night. Amane had been screaming in his ears, and he'd awoken with a gasp, tears trailing down his face. The Pharaoh hadn't held him, or even tried to comfort him. But in the silence that followed his pathetic whimpering, the spirit had quietly spoken to him of Yugi.

Now, the Pharaoh sat perched on the edge of the bed, an odd expression on his face. He closed his eyes for a moment, then drew a breath and began to speak in low tones. /He was always very open, and honest. He had no friends when I first met him, but that was because no one ever really tried to look at him before. The moment they did, he was surrounded. I don't think there was a person alive who didn't love aibou./ The spirit sighed.

"Why do you always call him 'aibou'?" Ryou asked hesitantly. "I don't know that word."

/Aibou is aibou./ The Pharaoh looked at him with a quizzical frown. Ryou sighed inwardly, realizing what was happening.

Despite the fact that they shared a mind, the truth was that the Pharaoh spoke only Japanese and a little Egyptian. The link that they had between them generally translated the words, aside from names, so they could understand each other, but sometimes it didn't quite work the way it should.

For instance, the first time the Pharaoh decided he didn't want to be called 'mou hitori no Yugi', he'd attempted to get Ryou to call him 'Yami'. However, the word itself kept translating itself as 'dark' to Ryou, as it wasn't really a name. The Pharaoh had finally given up trying after awhile, and told Ryou to just call him 'Pharaoh', which Ryou had done ever since.

In this case, the Pharaoh seemingly truly thought of the word 'aibou' as a name, not the word it probably was. So, despite his best efforts, it would not translate through the link. Ryou would probably have to pull out his old, tattered, Japanese-to-English dictionary to find out the meaning of the word. Or he could just ask his father, but he suspected now would not be such a great time to do so.

He bent his head as he vividly recalled just why today was so terrible. And suddenly, there was a gentle, hesitant hand on his shoulder, and a warm voice in his mind.

/Your father would do anything for you,/ the Pharaoh said, surprising Ryou. He'd expected another round of condolences from the ancient Egyptian, not a response to the thoughts in his subconscious mind. He let out a little laugh as he realized that was probably exactly what the Pharaoh was doing.

"Yeah, well." Ryou sniffed, drawing a hand across his face. "He tries, I guess."

/He's always buying gifts for you./

"But that's just it," Ryou muttered. He stared at the stuffy in his lap. And then he was a sudden mess of words and unfinished thoughts, angry tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. "My father thinks buying gifts for me is a way to excuse the fact that he's gone all the time. I mean, look at my room!" He swung an arm through the air at the all toys and games that filled his toybox. "He never has time for me, but he has all the time in the world to buy me presents," Ryou finished softly, looking down at his hands.

The Pharaoh didn't immediately respond. Instead, he awkwardly settled down beside Ryou on the bed, staring at the far wall. /Aibou's father was gone often, as well,/ he informed Ryou. /Aibou always said he was away on business, and I believed him until Anzu told me otherwise./

Ryou didn't question the mention of the name 'Anzu'. He just watched as the Pharaoh closed his eyes and a slight smile settled on his face.

/It turns out aibou's father was cheating on his mother, and they separated, though they never divorced. I never met him,/ the spirit added thoughtfully, sounding sad. /There was much I didn't know about my aibou./

"…Amane always told me Mum was tired, and we should do our best to help her," Ryou revealed after a moment. He refused to look at the Pharaoh. "She said we should cook and clean for her. And I did. I was a good little boy, because Mummy was tired and needed her sleep. I never once asked why she was tired. I never thought…" He paused for a breath. "I never thought she was so sick," Ryou continued raggedly, balling the sheets in his hands. "Father told me after Amane died, but by then all I could do was watch.

"Amane was always lying to me. She was trying to protect me, I guess. I hated it. And then, one night, she went out to a party with her friends. I asked to go. I wanted to go, Pharaoh! And she told me I couldn't, because it was a secret-surprise party no one could know about. I watched her sneak out the window that night, and you know what? I felt special. I felt special because she had confided in me, because she'd told me a secret. So I never told Mum and Dad.

"The next day, we got the news that she'd been killed in a car accident. The driver of the car she was in had been drunk, and she a bunch of her friends had been killed. Mum and Dad wouldn't let me see the body. I never got to say goodbye," Ryou whispered, and released the blankets to hug the stuffy to his chest. His eyes reddened with tears as he realized he hadn't written to her in weeks.

/Now that's one thing he screwed up on,/ the Pharaoh muttered suddenly. Ryou blinked back tears and whirled to stare incredulously at the young spirit.

"What are you talking about?" he demanded, then shrunk at the harshness of his own voice.

The Pharaoh looked back at him in confusion. /…I didn't say anything,/ he said slowly.

"Yes you did! I heard you! I thought you were the one who was supposed to be teaching me to guard my thoughts, Pharaoh," Ryou murmured wearily. "Now what did you mean by that last sentence?"

The Pharaoh hesitated, then let out a breath. /I meant that the man who set this all in motion screwed up some details,/ he explained. /Originally, your sister Amane was younger than you, not older, and both her and your mother were killed at the same time./

Ryou swiped at his tears with his sleeve and stared. "Wait, what? I don't get it. Even if this tomb-robber you've told me about managed to change the past so you ended up with me instead of Yugi, that doesn't make sense. He can't just change who's oldest and who's youngest in my family!"

/Well, technically he can,/ the Pharaoh replied evasively.

"How?"

The Pharaoh looked at him cryptically, then apparently decided he was worth the truth. /The thief didn't exactly change the past. He just… altered our universe somewhat./

Ryou's eyebrows knitted in confusion. "What do you mean by that?"

/This isn't the real universe,/ the spirit admitted with a sigh. /It's a game, a Shadow Game- sort of like an RPG- one designed by the tomb-robber to defeat aibou and I. It's not going to work,/ he added hastily. /But he did mess some of the details of the game up. Such as your sister and mother./

"So…" Ryou felt his mind begin to race. "I'm… I'm just some toy? Like one of my Monster World figures?" His hands were sweating slightly. He wasn't sure whether to be angry or terrified. "But I'm real! I have real memories, and a real family, and there's no way this is just some stupid game, this is my life!"

/From what I can figure, yes, you are real,/ the Pharaoh assured him. /But as for your memories…/

"No. No. This isn't a game! I saw my sister's grave, I held my mother's hand as she died today! What kind of sick bastard would do something like this to me?" Ryou's breath was coming fast now, in harsh, angry gasps.

The Pharaoh looked slightly alarmed. /Calm down. Baka, don't you see? When I find aibou, this will all be fixed! Things will go back to normal!/

"This is normal, dammit!" Ryou exploded. His head was spinning. There was no way his entire life could be created by some jerk just for his amusement! Dimly, he was aware that he had never sworn so much in his life, let alone five minutes, but that didn't really matter, did it? For all he knew, he was really a big bully with a potty mouth that was in constant need of a soap wash.

/Ryou, you need to understand,/ the Pharaoh begged. /This is not the way things are supposed to be. You-/

"And how is the way 'things are supposed to be' any better than the way they are now? From what you've said, in the 'real' universe, my mum and sister are still dead, and I apparently have a friend named Yugi who's responsible for everything that's happening to me now! Why would I want that life?" Ryou drew a shaky breath, let it out. Then, without another word, he closed his eyes and fell into the one corner of his mind the Pharaoh could not reach.

Good riddance, he thought.


TBC