III. Pirate

On a September 19th in the World That Never Was, the Castle That Never Was found itself in the middle of a lake. It was floating high above a lake, to be precise; the massive pit beneath it had filled with water since that morning, when one of the Organization opened a portal to Atlantica. Who it was would never be determined, but it is safe to assume that the perpetrator was aboard one of two vessels present in the water. These were Organization skiffs meant for naval missions; several had been lashed together and fitted with cannibalized sheet metal to make two larger, multi-decked boats in a top secret project that had gone on since August. Each was dressed up to look like a pirate ship. Each was crewed by a handful of Organization neophytes, who had all conveniently used one of their vacation days at the same time. And each was intent on blasting the holy hell out of the other.

"ARRR, me heartless! Keep on yer toes an' scatter th' foes, we're in fer a bloody day!" Demyx roared in his best (ridiculous) Blackbeard voice, a massive admiral's hat perched on his head at a rakish angle. He was balanced precariously atop the ship's wheel, steering with his feet and strumming power chords on his sitar; with each one, a geyser of water rocked the opposing ship. Below, on the main deck of the improvised ship, lesser Nobodies wearing blue and red bandannas clashed with claws and clumsily gripped blades. Dancers skated around Dusks, cutting their legs out from under them or throwing them overboard in their rhythmic assault, only to be grabbed from behind and blown to bits by an Assassin from the other ship.

Marluxia waded through the melee, scythe cutting pink gashes in the air as enemy Nobodies swarmed him. "I'm doin' the best I can, Cap'n!" Marluxia cried, speaking Pirate as embarrassingly as the rest of the Organization. "They jus' keep comin'! It's as if th' sea herself was thirstin' fer combat!" He spun, Jolly Roger-emblazoned cape flying behind him, cleaving waves of Dusks in two as more climbed aboard. With a quick series of gestures, Marluxia caused a gigantic, three-headed Venus flytrap to burst from the depths, which quickly set about grabbing the enemy soldiers off the ship with tentacle-like leaves and eating everything within range.

The pirate ships, christened Nobody's Fool and Superior's Codpiece, circled each other menacingly, filling the space between them with magic and cannon fire. The deadly projectiles created a kill zone a hundred feet across; fire, ice, lightning and metal flew back and forth at impossible speeds. Here a Nobody would be vaporized, there a piece of a ship would be torn off, and more often than not the shots impacted the water, causing violent waves that tossed the ships and the Nobody crews swimming across the water between them to fight. It was a scene of chaos not normally witnessed in the otherwise tranquil World that Never Was, and in the middle of it all two Organization members dueled for control of the sea. Luxord's ragged, three-cornered hat somehow managed to stay on in the confusion, even as he twisted to avoid a thrown chakram. How Axel was able to aim was anyone's guess, as he had opted to wear eye patches over both eyes.

"I'm keepin' it authentic, ya scurvy son of a Shadow!" he retorted in character, when Roxas pointed out the flaw in his costume. "Any more about it and ya walk th' plank." Axel himself had then proceeded to almost do this himself by accident.

Since then, however, Axel had adapted well to blind-fighting, holding his own against the Gambler of Fate as they battled above the crossfire. He was standing on two Creeper Nobodies that had shapeshifted wings, on the same level as Luxord, who fought atop a massive ace of spades. Cards and fire clashed with relentless speed and strength, raining death down upon the unfortunate Nobodies swimming below. Looks like a stalemate so far, thought Axel. I'd probably have the upper hand-"If a certain LANDLUBBER KEY OF DESTINY would get up here and start earnin' his keep!" Axel shouted to complete this thought.

Back on the Superior's Codpiece, Roxas was carving a path through a horde of Gambler Nobodies that had snuck by Axel's firestorm. He moved as a blur in human shape, seemingly not slowed in the least by the massive golden pirate medallions he wore. Oathkeeper and Oblivion flashed like gunpowder, striking down the invaders as fast as they could advance and causing light to play off of his bare chest, exposed as it was by his half-open, off-white silk shirt. Roxas paused to shout back "WHAT DO YA WANT FROM ME? THE BLASTED THINGS ARE COMIN' OUT OF THE WOODWORK!" No sooner had Roxas resumed his battle than lightning came down from on high, instantly vaporizing the Nobodies in a circle around Number XIII. Roxas was momentarily dumbfounded by the sudden change in his fortune, and before he could recover Larxene hit the deck, landing from a midair somersault. She stood and flashed a triumphant grin. "That's how you fight like a true scourge o' the seas!" she taunted. More Gamblers were climbing onto the ship, and Larxene and Roxas exchanged knowing glances as they prepared to rush them. The Savage Nymph pulled fistfuls of knives from the bandoliers across her chest, adopting a flying-crane-fist style as the Gamblers summited the ship's railing. Roxas held his Keyblades ready, but then something important seemed to occur to him. His face registered confusion, and he lowered his Keyblades, turning to Larxene.

"This mightn't be the best time t' ask...but if yer down here an' the Cap'n's fightin' up there...who's steerin' the ship?"

Larxene raised an eyebrow, then rolled her eyes. "I left the wheel t' the Dusks. It's smooth sailin' as long as we keep circlin'."

Roxas craned his neck to look toward the rear of the ship. Two Dusks were standing on each other's shoulders, fumbling pathetically with the wheel. No sooner had Roxas seen this than the Dusks' subpar steering took its toll. The Superior's Codpiece pitched left and then right, rocking hard enough to send Larxene and Roxas tumbling to the deck. The Gamblers still in the act of climbing slipped and fell back into the water; the rest were mopped up once the two greater Nobodies got to their feet. When the last Gambler fell, Roxas turned to Larxene, fixing her with a dirty glare. "Care t' take the wheel back, helmslass?" Roxas's glowering expression melted into panic once he saw the state the wheel was in; the Dusks had slipped overboard, leaving the wheel to spin at terrifying speed on its own. Both he and Larxene sprinted in its direction, intent on stopping it before it was too late.

But nothing would come of their efforts. By the time they had gotten it under control, the Superior's Codpiece was on a head-on collision course with the Nobody's Fool.

All either crew could do was brace for impact. Demyx clung to his own wheel for dear life. Marluxia jumped overboard, abandoning ship in favor of riding his giant flytrap. Larxene and Roxas hit the deck, screaming; Luxord and Axel, meanwhile, had worked out what was going on and teleported back to the ships, their duel temporarily forgotten. All this took place in the space of about eight seconds, and then everything went to hell.

Both ships crashed into each other with a horrific sound of rending metal, shredding the prows and crushing any Nobodies unlucky enough to be in the vicinity of the impact. The vessels came to a shuddering halt, and all was silent as the full scope of the disaster was comprehended by the belligerents. Demyx was the first to shout the warning that dawned on them all:

"THEY'RE TAKIN' ON WATER! ABANDON SHIP!"

Immediately he took a chakram to the chest, screaming and collapsing in a heap. Axel teleported and stood over him, venom evident in his gaze. Or it would have been, had anyone seen his eyes beneath the patches. "Ye'll be goin' nowhere," Axel said, unknowingly addressing a cowering Dancer behind Demyx. "A cap'n goes down with 'is ship. 'Tis the law of the sea, and I'll not be havin' ya break it." He groped around with his hands to find Demyx, helped him to his feet, and the two shared a look of understanding. "To th' bitter end?" Demyx asked.

Axel nodded. "All the way to Davy Jones's Locker," he said solemnly, and the two shook hands. The others had recovered by now, and stood uncertainly, waiting for orders. Axel turned around, facing opposite from everyone else due to his blindness, and put his hand over where his heart would be, had he possessed one. "Lady an' gentlemen," he stated proudly, "it's been an honor fightin' with an' against ye. Today, we be maintainin' our honor by goin' out the way we began: in a blaze o' sound an' fury! LAST STAND O' TH' ORGANIZATION!" His speech ended in a roar that was echoed by the other five neophytes, who readied their weapons and prepared for the final fight.

"ALL TOGETHER! LAST STAND ON THREE!" Axel shouted.

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THR-"

The ersatz pirates were cut off by a great CRACKing sound, like a thousand boxes of firecrackers going off all at once. They turned as one in the direction of the noise, and saw a sheet of thick ice spreading across the manmade sea. The ships were now frozen in place, and Vexen stood at their base, a portal disappearing, his shield raised, a smirk evident in his expression as he tried to hold back laughter. As the battlefield cooled and solidified, Xigbar stepped out of the portal next to him. "Oh, yeah! Totally forgot - it's Talk Like A Pirate Day," he said, a wicked grin spreading across his face. Vexen nodded, and replied: "Quite a shame so many Nobodies had to lay down their lives for it, isn't it?"

Xigbar shook his head, chuckling. "Good thing we got back before things could really get out of control. But man oh man, the Superior's gonna be pissed. Oh, speaking of, I think that's him coming now."

The Freeshooter was correct. Xemnas stepped out of a portal behind Xigbar and Vexen, wearing a look of incredulous indignation. He took in the absurd scene for a moment - the crashed-together ships, the remnants of the Nobody crews quickly shedding their bandannas and attempting to hide their weapons, the giant, frozen plant - and took a deep breath. "What," he began, "in the name of Ansem the Wise, has been going on while the senior members have been away?" Nobody spoke - the neophytes stood in shocked silence at the interruption. Vexen finally took it upon himself to answer for them. "Apparently, Superior, today is Talk Like A Pirate Day. The neophytes seem to have taken it to heart, and thus put together a naval engagement right under our noses. Sacrificed a fair amount of Nobodies for it, too, I believe."

Xigbar laughed out loud, and then suddenly stopped, a dangerous glare contorting his features. "And now," he growled, "I think I know who stole my eye patches!" Vexen could take no more, and succumbed to a howling fit of laughter. Xigbar summoned his arrowguns, prepared to exact vengeance for Axel's theft, but Xemnas raised a hand for silence.

"Peace, Xigbar. Vexen, I have come to the conclusion that the most appropriate form of punishment for this senseless waste of resources is one befitting the...renegade roles that they have chosen to play. Unfreeze the water when I tell you to. I shall assemble a crew to repair the ships." The rest of the Organization wore looks of utter confusion at Xemnas's statement. The Superior teleported directly onto the deck of the Nobody's Fool and in front of Demyx, who flinched so hard his admiral's hat fell to the ground. Xemnas regarded it coolly, and then picked it up, putting it on himself. With an exaggerated flourish, he turned around to face Xigbar.

"Number II," Xemnas announced. "When these vessels are in working order, take the neophytes and keelhaul the lot of them."


I think this is the most fun I've ever had writing fanfiction. The idea is to write a oneshot based on a single word; when I heard "Pirate," Axel and his eyepatches leaped immediately to mind. The rest is history.

Hope you're enjoying reading this fic as much as I'm enjoying writing it. It's an appetizer while Ashes to Ashes remains on hiatus. Sorry for the delay, by the way; school seems determined to keep me from my keyboard. But rest assured, Ashes to Ashes still exists! Chapter 11 is in slow progress, and it WILL come.

Love and thanks to all the readers,

Zellarius Burvenia