Author's Note: I do not own Glee or any songs used.
Chapter 3: Coming Clean
Shelby was truly beginning to enjoy being in the glee club. It felt good to sing with other people for a change, other people who were not elderly church choir volunteers. She loved the sweet old ladies at her church, but she had to admit that their singing was far past its peak. That is, if their singing had ever had a peak in the first place. Everyone in the glee club could definitely sing well, and each of them had their own unique sound. It was fun to sing next to someone who could hold their own part strong enough to harmonize with her. Even the Cheerios who had recently joined, Finn's girlfriend Quinn, and her friends, Brittany and Santana, were talented. Although she had not spent much time with the other members outside of the glee club and they were still warming up to each other, she could feel them growing on each other. Plus, she still hadn't told them about her health.
Time was running out, and soon she would not be able to hide it any longer. She had already gotten her port, a small device implanted in her chest that would be used to distributed the chemotherapy medication rather than an IV, and it was not easy to hide the pain it caused every time she moved her chest muscles too suddenly. It would get better in the coming weeks, she had been told, but for now she had traded her regular backpack for a messenger bag and taken a couple pain relievers just to be safe. Even so, the pain was hard to ignore while doing choreography. Especially when it involved lots of clapping and bending.
"Shelby, are you alright?" Mr. Schuester asked. "You look like you're in pain."
"No, I'm fine," she lied. He looked as if he didn't quite believe her. "Really." She said with a bright smile, almost a laugh. She knew it looked believable, but she also knew that the director probably would not buy it.
"Well, I think that's enough for today anyway," he said. If he hadn't bought it, he had pretended to. She was grateful for that.
The next few days, she excused herself from rehearsal by telling Mr. Schuester the truth about being in pain. She was right; he had not bought her lie and graciously allowed her to miss rehearsal. When she did return, she was met with stunned faces.
"You cut your hair?" gasped Tina. Everyone got up to greet her and get a closer look.
"I donated it," explained Shelby. It was another partial truth. It was true that she had donated her well-kept, long, blonde hair, but she had not done so completely of her own free will. She did not want to have to worry about it all falling out and making a huge mess of everything. She also thought it would be easier to see it falling out if she wasn't as attached to it, quite literally. What once fell below her shoulder blades now barely reached her chin. It was no surprise that the New Directions members were stunned.
"Wow, good for you! You're long hair was beautiful," said Quinn. Please, don't rub it in, Shelby thought.
"I could never cut my hair," said Brittany. I thought I couldn't. "You're really brave." That last bit surprised Shelby and she thought I really hope so. You have no idea.
"I like it this way," complimented Tina.
"Yeah, it's cute," Mercedes added.
"It's different," said Artie, surveying her, "but I think I like it."
"A bob looks good on you. It's a bit like Catherine Zeta-Jones in Chicago, but softer," Kurt approved. That actually quite impressed Shelby. Chicago was a favorite of hers, but she just couldn't see herself in that image.
"What's going on here?" wondered Mr. Schuester, who had just walked in and saw everyone standing in group, looking at something. They parted and Shelby turned to face him, giving him a small smile. At first, he almost looked as if had hadn't recognized her, but then he said "Wow, Shelby, that's a big change! I like it."
"Thanks, Mr. Schuester, and everyone," she said, still smiling, but her eyes weren't in it. She was merely being polite. She wondered how long she would have to play the charade, all the while reminding herself the whole time that she wouldn't have to if she just told them the truth. Then that made her wonder which was harder: pretending she was happy when she had a million reasons (fine, one giant reason) not to be, or opening up to the glee club and telling them everything. It was Finn who interrupted her thoughts after rehearsal.
"Shelby?" he asked. "Can I be completely honest with you?"
"Please do," she said earnestly.
"I hate your new haircut," he said honestly, but cautiously, completely aware that what he said could cause a girl to kill him. "I mean, it's cute and all," he added, covering his tracks a bit, "but, it's just not… you."
Shelby didn't react for a moment. Finn looked very worried then, unsure of what would happen, but knowing his immediate death was a strong possibility. Then suddenly, she hugged him. "Thank you," she said. He relaxed and tried to hug her back, but it was difficult with his arms pinned to his sides. She was quite a bit shorter than him. "You have no idea how much I wanted to hear someone say that." She was so relieved that someone finally got it. She could live with her short hair, even look good in it, but the fact remained that it just wasn't her own. Her eyes glistened a bit in sheer relief, but no tears slid out. They were blinked away before she pulled away from him. Then, she gave him the first genuine smile she had shown in days. He returned it, and they went their separate ways for the day.
That weekend, Shelby was at the mall with Kurt and Mercedes who had invited her to get smoothies with them. She was grateful for the opportunity, and looked forward to getting to know them better. They seemed to have gotten closer lately, so she was glad they wanted to include her. She didn't want to feel like a third wheel.
"Don't worry at all," Mercedes comforted.
"Yeah," said Kurt, "it's not like we're dating." He laughed slightly, but Mercedes merely stared at him. "Too soon?" He asked.
"Too soon," replied Mercedes. Shelby got the feeling she was missing something. They had inside jokes already? She gave them an odd look.
"We had a … misunderstanding the other day," explained Kurt.
"Oh," said Shelby. "I know what that feels like." She almost felt her entire situation of being so sheltered from the glee club was one big misunderstanding. "Almost every day, I know what that feels like."
"What do mean?" asked Mercedes.
"I haven't been entirely honest with you guys, the glee club, and I'm tired to hiding. I just don't know how to say it. I afraid of what people will say, how they'll react, and how they'll treat me after they know, but more than anything, I'm just afraid of making myself vulnerable. I don't even have any close friends that I've told, how can tell a group of people that are nearly strangers to me?" she was talking to herself more than them at this point, just grateful to finally let out all of her anxiety. It felt good to talk about it. The two New Directions members were listening intently. They had never heard her talk this much before, especially about something so personal. Kurt seemed to be hit close to home with what she had said since he had stopped drinking his smoothie mid-sip. It must have given him a brain freeze from holding it his mouth too long without swallowing it, since he had twisted up his face and shivered while she spoke. "You understand," Shelby said to him, noticing his reaction. He froze, literally or figuratively, it was unclear. "Don't worry. I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable. I just know what it looks like when someone's hiding something. I do it enough myself. And I'm good at reading people. Their expressions, their body language, their tone of voice, stuff like that. You notice things like that when you're the quiet kid." She shrugged.
Kurt still didn't know how to answer her. Then Mercedes spoke up, "You shouldn't have to feel vulnerable in glee club. We all are. That's why we joined. None of us have a lot of friends, except for the new girls, and probably Finn, but still. Glee is about expressing who you really are; even if you aren't sure who that is yet. Whatever it is you've been hiding, you shouldn't be afraid to show it. I know I can promise that I won't treat you any different, no matter what it is, and I bet the other kids in Glee feel the same way."
"Me too," said Kurt. "Mercedes basically told me the same thing the other day when I…" he paused, making sure that he still wanted to tell her, "when I told her I was gay. It's not easy to open up to people you barely know, but when you tell the right person," he smiled at Mercedes, which she returned, encouraging him, "it doesn't hurt. In fact it feels nice to know that you have someone you can count on." Shelby was extremely touched that he had opened to her like that, especially in the short time they had known each other. She supposed she had made herself trustworthy, but it still had not been easy for him. She decided right then and there that she would tell the members of New Directions the very next day. Well, on Monday. Today was Saturday.
"Thank you," was all Shelby could say. "Both of you. I think you said exactly what I needed to hear." Then she turned to Kurt specifically. "And if you could be so forthcoming with me after so little time, well, why can't I? Come Monday, no more big secret for me." Mercedes looked pleased, and Kurt seemed to find it a bit odd that he had inspired someone, but touched by the gesture at the same time. "Now, who watched Project Runway on Thursday?" The tension was instantly diffused, and a long discussion began about the highlights and lowlights of the latest episode.
Monday was here, and it had not gotten off to a promising start. Shelby had received her first face full of slushie. As she washed off the cold, sticky liquid in the bathroom sink, she actually became slightly thankful for her short hair. It would be much easier to wash it out. She really empathized with Rachel and the others who had been slushied. It really did sting the eyes. Senior status would protect her no longer; she was officially among the ranks of the glee club. It was as if it had sealed her fate, reinforcing her decision to tell the glee club, who currently sat around her, waiting to hear what she had to say.
She supposed it was time to break the silence, "I don't really know how to tell you all this, so I'm just going to say it: I have Hodgkin's Lymphoma, which is cancer, if you don't know." Everyone was shocked. Whatever they had been expecting, it certainly had not been that. Most of the boys sat with their mouths open, several of the girls and Kurt looked on the verge of tears, and Mercedes looked as if she wanted to hug her. "I found out over the summer, and I have my first treatment on Friday." Still, no one spoke. They were trying to take in what they had heard. Since Shelby and put off telling them for so long, it was all very sudden. Some heads were shaking in disbelief, but most were still stunned. Kurt seemed to be having great difficulty holding himself together. Shelby continued, "But the good news is that the prognosis is very good. Hodgkin's has a 95% cure rate."
"What about the other 5%?" asked Artie, still looking worried.
"They're not me," Shelby said simply. Her sudden confidence her surprised her bit, but what she said was true. "That 5% is a lot worse off than I am. The disease I have is nowhere near advanced yet, only Stage II out of four, and it's a very good sign that I have no other symptoms. Other than swollen lymphnodes, that is." She craned her neck so that they could see the large lump on the left side, just above her collarbone. There were more looks of alarm then. It was definitely not normal to have a lump the size of a golf ball on her neck like that. "There you have it. I'm just tired of hiding it, and I knew all of you would want to know. Do you have any questions?"
"What's that on your chest?" wondered Brittany. "And why is it all bruised?" Shelby had worn a low cut shirt on purpose that day to show the bump on her chest that was her port. It was still a little sore, but it had gotten better. The bruising was just her body getting used to it.
"It's called a port, short for portacath, and it's used to deliver the chemotherapy medicine directly into my system without using an IV. Getting an IV every time would be annoying, but more importantly, the medication could burn my skin if it comes into contact, so this prevents it. The bruising is just my body adjusting to it."
"So, how will chemo affect you?" leave it to Rachel to ask how it would affect her performance ability. However, to be fair, she did have a point, and she looked concerned enough to be talking about more than just the glee club. Shelby's well-being was important to her too.
"I won't know exactly until it happens, but I've been told to expect feeling sick and being fatigued. I'll just have to see how it goes, and take it one day at a time. And I'll be sure to let you all know how I'm doing, and whether I'll be at rehearsal. Being there for a performance unfortunately is still an issue, so we should have 13 members just in case I can't make it. I hope with all my heart that doesn't happen, but I have to accept that it might." Now Rachel looked liked she wanted to hug her as well.
"This is the real reason you cut your hair, isn't it?"asked Finn, having a "light bulb" moment. Maybe he was smarter than she gave him credit for. She nodded.
"You're going to lose it, aren't you?" Mercedes asked gently.
"Most likely," Shelby answered. An awkward, heavy silence fell over the group. No one knew how to break it. A few were subtly wiping tears from their eyes, not wanting to show that they were crying. Kurt made no attempt to hide it. Then, Mercedes slowly got up, walked over to Shelby, and hugged her.
"I'm here for you," she said.
"Me too," added Kurt, his voice surprisingly steady, joining the hug.
"And me," said Rachel, now crying too. Finn got up after her, and put his long arms around all of them. The rest of the New Directions members followed suit. "Thank you," was all Shelby could say to the mass of support that was surrounding her. There were no dry eyes left in the room when the group hug disbanded, including Shelby's own. She was so inherently grateful for their love and support; she couldn't express it any other way.
Even Mr. Schuester had tears in his eyes. He hadn't participated in the conversation, or been part of the group hug; he had merely observed the conversation. "I'm so proud of you guys today." He told them, finally speaking up. "Shelby, I'm glad you finally told everyone, and remained so calm and mature the whole time. And as for the rest of you, I'm glad you took the news so well. It wasn't easy to hear, but you kept calm and were very respectful."
"Kept calm? Look at us. The Hoover Dam couldn't hold back these flood waters!" said Santana, her eyes puffy. Everyone laughed at that, a few still brushing away the last of their tears. Just then, her comment made Shelby realize something. The three Cheerios had been surprised as anyone. Sue Sylvester had not told them after all. Just when Shelby thought she could hate her former coach for being heartless, she went and did something like that. Somewhere, deep down, extremely deep down, there had to be a heart somewhere.
"How about a song?" suggested Mr. Schuester. That man had a song for everything. He started out the first verse, while playing the gentle piano accompaniment.
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight.
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time.
And I am here still waiting though, I still have my doubts.
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out.
Shelby joined him at the chorus. She knew nearly all of Lifehouse's songs by heart.
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating.
In the pain, there is healing.
In your name, I find meaning.
Mr. Schuester stopped at the last line of the chorus, startling Shelby slightly at the sound of her own voice alone. She suddenly became very self-conscious. Kurt noticed and joined her in the second verse. As a countertenor, he could sing it with her in near perfect unison.
The broken locks were a warning.
You got inside my head.
I tried my best to be guarded;
I'm an open book instead.
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes that are looking for purpose;
They're still looking for life.
Rachel joined in the second chorus, taking the upper octave.
I'm falling apart; I'm barely breathing.
With a broken heart that's still beating.
Mercedes joined with her, adding the echo. Finn and Artie took the echo as well.
In the pain (In the pain), there is healing.
In your name (in your name), I find meaning.
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin' on)
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin' on)
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin' on)
I'm barely holding on to you.
Everyone was singing by the time they reached the third verse, but no one meant it more than Shelby. The words rang so true to her at that moment.
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way.
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say.
You said that I will, will be okay.
The broken light on the freeway left me here alone.
I may have lost my way now,
haven't forgotten my way home.
I'm falling apart; I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating.
In the pain (In the pain), there is healing.
In your name (In your name), I find meaning.
As the song moved into its final lines, harmonies started to appear everywhere. Rachel and Mercedes were belting it up on top, bringing out the otherwise subtle descant, while Brittany, Santana, and Artie still held onto the echo. Each singer made the song their own and added their unique sound to the blend. It was times like this Shelby knew they had something special in this group.
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holding on to you.
I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holding on to you.
The song drew to a close and Mr. Schuester finished the last few bars on the piano. "That was amazing, guys," he told them. "It really was. Let's call it a day, shall we?" They all agreed and shared farewells before heading their separate ways.
Shelby felt incredibly relieved. It was as though a massive weight had literally been taken off of her shoulders. It had not been easy to tell the New Directions that she had cancer and put herself out there for them all to see, but now she felt good about it. Kurt was right; sometimes it didn't hurt to let people in. In fact, it had been the exact opposite. Maybe, when you let people in, they could heal you.
