If Fire Could Freeze, We'd Be Okay
Three
Gray knew that telling Natsu about the girl was a mistake. Frankly, talking to Natsu at all was a bad idea right now, but talking about what happened next was frightening as hell.
When Gray had left his apartment that morning, the chilly autumn air greeted him, and the wind seemed to guide him around town until he was just metres away from the ruins of the guild hall. Standing in front of the broken building was a petite girl. She seemed like she was assessing the rubble. When the girl saw Gray standing behind her, her face lit up.
That only made Gray feel even more terrible. Fairy Tail was always a cheerful guild, and here he was, barely able to pull himself out of bed. Natsu wasn't even able to do that. The girl had the same look in her eyes as Lucy did on the day that she joined Fairy Tail.
The short girl actually looked a lot like Lucy. She had blonde hair that was almost the same shade as the former member's that reached her lower back. On her youthful face were two huge brown eyes and a light blush across her cheeks. She wore a short blue dress that seemed to Gray to just be a super long t-shirt.
"You're Gray Fullbuster!" she exclaimed.
Gray had almost forgotten that pretty much everyone knew who he was, not just that he used to be a member of the destroyed infamous guild, Fairy Tail. His eyes dropped to her bare feet, and the ice wizard tried to force a half smile. "Yeah."
"Well, I'm Lana." The blonde held out her thin hand for Gray to shake. Reluctantly, Gray gently took the hand and gave it a firm shake. "I'm an air wizard. I was… wondering if I might be able… to… join? I'd really love to be a member… of… Fairy Tail."
The black-haired boy's eyes went wide, and he stumbled back a few steps. His heart jumped and beat in double-time. Gray's breathing became irregular as faces danced across his mind, voices shouting in his head. "Wha… What?"
Clearly, Lana knew that the guild was a sensitive subject. Her head dipped down to stare at her own blue-polished toes. "I heard about what happened… Everyone has. I can't even begin to think of how it must affect you and Natsu. I was wondering… are you guys going to keep the guild?"
Gray's right hand drifted to the right side of his chest, and he winced as it brushed over the still-healing scar beneath his shirt. Neither of us had even considered for a minute what we would do with the guild. We are all that's left, so we just figured that was it for Fairy Tail. I removed my own mark, and I'm sure Natsu did the same by now. What the hell am I supposed to tell her? It's still Fairy Tail… but… Can we do this? Can I do this?
The ice wizard looked up with pained eyes. Tears threatened to fall, but he couldn't let them yet. "Um… We hadn't… uh… thought about… that." He sniffled back the memories and pain. "I'll… uh, talk to… Natsu… Why don't you meet me… um… here in… four hours?"
The brown eyes sparkled with hope. "Absolutely!" Lana's voice dropped. "Whatever you decide is alright. You don't need to feel pressured to keep going if you don't want to."
"Yeah…" Gray mumbled, walking off towards Natsu's cottage without saying goodbye.
Natsu knew that Erza and Gramps and everyone else in Fairy Tail would hate them if they turned away this girl who wanted to join.
But he wasn't sure if he could do it.
Still curled into his little ball, Natsu spoke to the shirtless man next to him, voice quivering. "What do you think?"
Gray's gaze dropped to the huge scab on his right pectoral. "Hell if I know, Natsu. I hadn't even thought about the guild in two weeks."
"And we both removed our marks." Their eyes made contact as Natsu continued. "How are we supposed to continue with the guild when I can barely make it through the night on my own? I'm hanging on by a thread, Gray. I don't think I can. I don't even deser-" A single tear fell from the Dragon Slayer's eye as he abruptly cut off the word. "What the hell are we supposed to do? I don't even want to be here, dammit. Wouldn't it all just be better if I were –"
Slap.
The fire mage cupped his cheek as Gray glared. "Stop it right fucking now, Natsu. You don't get to die. Even if you don't want to live, you need to. Hell, I don't want to live. But you have to keep fighting. I don't know any other way to say it. Sure, it's our fault that all of our friends are dead. It's our fault that we're alone now. Even if the two of us continuing on is nothing but punishment for killing everyone who's important to us, I'd be okay with that. But I can't give up, and I'm not about to let you either." Gray's voice cracked as he winced with pain in his chest. "I can't lose you, too," he said quietly.
"Gray –"
"Stop! I don't want to hear how badly you hate everything. Trust me, I know. I fucking know how shitty this world is. I know that after that guilt, the only out you can see is the easy way out. I'm still dealing with it. And I stay up every night, and I can't sleep. I've barely slept in four weeks, Natsu. But I know that if I give in, then you're alone, and I can't leave you. So don't you dare. I can't lose you, Natsu!" Gray couldn't even stop himself as he gripped onto Natsu's vest and let his tears fall onto it.
I was just trying to tell him that Lana wanted to join, and now it's me talking him out of suicide. It seems like this happens any of the few times we talk. Who am I to talk him into staying alive when I'm seriously considering the very same thing? How did we backtrack so far in just a few weeks? Wasn't it just like three weeks ago that he said, "Maybe we can figure out how to be okay together?" What happened to that? Was he lying? Was he just bluffing to keep himself sane? Cause this sure as hell isn't the same man as the man who said that.
"Gray…"
He couldn't bring himself to look into the Dragon Slayer's eyes. "Natsu."
"I'm sorry."
Pressing his lips into a firm line, the ice-make wizard contemplated whether he should yell at him to stop apologising or to tell him the same. "I'm sorry, too, Natsu," he whispered, choosing the latter.
In a sudden change in mood, Natsu carefully pried Gray's fingers from his vest and used his hand to lift Gray's chin so he could look the black-haired man in the eyes.
What the hell just happened? Gray thought, averting his eyes to avoid Natsu's intense stare.
"Look at me."
Gray gave the slightest shake of the head, heart still pounding.
Natsu decided to give his friend – he felt pain shooting through his heart at that – a moment. Somehow, something had clicked while Gray was talking to him that maybe Gray needed him as much as he needed Gray. That realisation had shut down whatever self-loathing thoughts that were plaguing his mind. In that moment, Gray's mental health was infinitely more important than his own. He admitted to himself that no matter what was going on, he would probably put almost anyone's well-being before his own. I just don't want anyone else to feel like this. Especially not Gray.
Gray subconsciously grabbed onto Natsu's vest again, pulling the fire mage closer. Gray then leaned forward, resting his forehead on Natsu's muscular shoulder as he shook in another fit of sobs. He felt a warm arm around his bare shoulder.
The friends sat there for a long time. Gray gently pulled back, shrugging off Natsu's arm from around his shoulders and looking the other wizard in the eyes.
"I really want to try to be okay, Natsu. I don't want to keep living like this. I don't want to keep lying awake at night alone, debating if my best option is to just end it all," Gray admitted quietly. "I can't do it alone."
"I know," Natsu whispered. "I feel the same."
They sat there on Natsu's unmade bed for another long time.
"So what happens now?" Gray asked hoarsely.
"We try to stay alive," the fire wizard replied as if it were obvious. Then, after a few seconds, he added, "And we rebuild and make everyone proud. We may have ruined everything, but the least we can do for them is to stay alive and keep moving forward."
"No matter how hard that is," Gray said.
Natsu allowed the smallest sliver of a smile to creep onto his face. "Then… for Fairy Tail, we have to keep moving. We have to rebuild."
"For Fairy Tail," Gray echoed.
A/N: So there's chapter three. I honestly didn't think I'd get so much positive feedback on this so quickly. I'm actually really proud of this story, that I've already written more than 4,500 words for it, that it has an actual mostly-realistic plot so far. All of the fanfics I have on here are also on my Wattpad, where I have the same username ( WrittenBandNerd). So I hope I might get to writing chapter four soon. Hope you guys are enjoying it so far :)
-Stephanie
