A/N: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, Pm'd and favoured this story. I really appreciate all of your comments.
Special thanks as always to Purdy's Pal and DaisyDay for reading through parts of this for me
3
Michael caught Fiona's eyes as she watched him pack the small suitcase that lay open on the bed. He'd been overly cautious when he'd returned to the loft after his meeting with Pearce, taking extra care when he told her he had to leave again.
She had been quiet at first, something that always scared him when it came to her. Fiona Glenanne was not known for her calmness, he'd figured that out first hand on many occasions.
Placing the last of his shirts and dress suit inside the case he turned to reach for the new ties she had brought him when she caught his hand in hers. Their eyes met as she moved off of the bed to stand before him, clasping their fingers together.
"So are you going to tell me where you're going this time?" she asked huffily as she dropped his hand. "Sorry, I forgot. You can't tell me."
"Fi…" his voice implored her to understand, but she refused to meet his gaze. He knew she was angry and if he was honest so was he. The photographs had dragged up so many emotions from the past that he'd though had been buried a long time ago. "I'm sorry, I wish I could tell you—"
"Yeah, yeah," she sighed irritably as she turned to face him again. "Just promise me you'll be careful. Don't let that woman put thoughts into your head."
Michael met her gaze with a knowing smile and took her momentary lapse to step towards her and skim his hands over her shoulders. "I don't know if I'll be able to get a call to you this time."
He saw the disappointment flare in her eyes and he waited for the explosion of words that would usually follow, but she didn't say a word. Her silence worried him. This wasn't her and whatever it was that had been wearing her down for the last few weeks was slowly taking her away from him.
So many times he'd wanted to ask her what was wrong, and so many times he'd heard her soft sobs beside him when she thought he was asleep. It seemed that everything was conspiring against them right at this moment and the last thing he wanted to do was leave her behind, but he didn't have a choice.
Stepping out of his reach Fiona turned away from him and made her way towards the kitchen to pull open one of the drawers to take something out of it before she returned to his side. She held the blue wrapped package in her hands for a few moments and drew in a shaky breath. Just knowing what was inside almost brought her to tears again but she blinked them away before he could see her warring emotions.
"Take these with you," she told him quietly as she pushed the small bundle into his hands, hoping that the pain would ease a little when she had released her grief, but it hadn't. She had been putting this moment off for such a long time and she'd never really found the right time to tell him. Seeing the concern in his eyes brought a fresh onslaught of watery pain to blur her vision but she desperately tried to blink it away.
Michael watched her questioningly as he unwrapped the dark blue velvet material to reveal a pair of gold cufflinks with a green four leaf clover in the centre that he recognised almost immediately. Lifting his eyes to hers the smile fell from his lips when he saw her eyes pooling with tears.
"Fi," he whispered apprehensively. "These are your father's."
"They were," she told him softly, suddenly feeling the sadness enveloping her as she lowered her gaze, unwilling to allow him to see her falling apart. She had handled this on her own before and she was going to do it again. She hadn't intended to tell him what had happened, he had enough to worry about already, but when she tried to speak the only sound that emerged from her lips was a sob.
She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head quickly. She couldn't do this anymore. No matter how many times she swallowed the lump in her throat, it came back with more force than the time before. Her eyes seemed to keep filling before she could blink the tears away, until they broke free to drip down her cheeks.
Her hand flew to her mouth as she hurriedly turned away from him as she tried to compose herself but when she felt his hands on her shoulders, gently turning her around to face him, she crumbled.
"Fi?" Throwing the cufflinks onto the bed he pulled her against him and wrapped his arms around her. Closing his eyes he whispered soothing words into her hair even though he didn't know why she was crying. He had no idea what had happened or why she was so upset and it scared him to see her like this. She was one of the strongest women he'd ever known and to see her like this…so distraught…
"He's gone," she choked out as she tried to stop the tears from burning her throat, but they wouldn't seem to stop.
"Oh Fi," his voice choked on a whisper as he tightened his arms around her. "Why didn't you tell me?"
She shook her head against him and closed her eyes. This was the last thing she'd wanted to do. If only he had left her alone she could have dealt with this by herself but now it was too late. Taking a breath she swallowed the lump constricting her throat and slowly felt the tears starting to die away to leave her feeling raw and more exposed that she had ever felt before.
Michael's fingers threaded through her hair and she felt herself relax against him. His heartbeat was steady beneath her ear and his arms kept her locked in his secure embrace until she finally found the strength to open her eyes.
"My…mother… wrote to me while you…were away…" she whispered through the tightness in her throat.
Michael shook his head in disbelief but tightened his arms around her, refusing to release his hold on her. "Fi, that was over three weeks ago…you've been keeping this to yourself all this time?"
Fiona nodded her head against him when a stray tear trickled down her face. "You have enough…to worry about."
"Nothing like this," he told her softly as guilt weighed heavily over his heart. Placing a soft kiss onto her head he traced his finger up and down her back, trying to soothe her with his touch. If only he had known. If only he had told her he'd heard her crying.
Fiona swallowed the lump in her throat as she wrapped her arms around him. "We… never really spoke after…Claire's death."
Michael slammed his eyes shut and tugged her tighter against him. How many times had he seen her staring off into space over the last few weeks and just shaken off his worries? How could he leave her now? How could he even concentrate on pulling off a cover ID let alone pretend to be married to someone he had no connection with?
"I'm sorry Fi," he whispered into her hair as he planted soft kisses against her temple. "I should have been here."
"He… liked you, Michael," she whispered softly, sorrow gravelling her throat making her voice hoarse.
"I liked him," he told her as he slowly pushed her away so he could look down into her eyes. "I wish you'd have told me."
Fiona tried to control the shaking that desperately tried to permeate her body, but she fought it with everything she possessed. She was still unwilling to show her vulnerability, even to the man who was holding her so tightly. She knew her voice would betray her turmoil, so she kept silent, still unsure of what she should say to him now that he knew.
"I would have been here for you," Michael's voice broke through her thoughts and she could hear the slight waver in his words. "You should have said something, Fi. You shouldn't have tried to do this on your own."
"What was I supposed to say?" She asked as anger flared in her eyes, replacing the grief that had enveloped her only moments ago. Silent tears trickled over her cheeks but she didn't bother to swipe them away. "In between you going on top secret missions, tracking bombers and your CIA contact doing her best to drive us apart…when was I supposed to come to you and tell you, oh by the way, my dad died?"
"You usually find a way," he told her as his voice rose in frustration. "Yell, scream, swear at me…it's always worked for you before."
His words stung and she suddenly found herself stepping away from him as if he'd hit her. She didn't know how long she could keep doing this. Swallowing the hurt she pushed her loss to the far reaches of her heart before she forced herself to regain some kind of control. Her chest constricted and her eyes were red rimmed through crying but she gave herself a mental shake. Crying wouldn't erase the past and it wouldn't bring her father or Claire back to her.
"Fi..." his voice softened and the anger from moments ago vanished from his words. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said that...I..."
"You were busy," she told him, forcing her voice to remain even as she picked the cufflinks off of the bed again to hand them to him. "Take these with you anyway. It'll remind you of home."
Michael looked from her and then down to the jewellery in her hands. He didn't need any reminders of what he had here even though sometimes she thought he didn't think of her. Taking a step towards her he tried to meet her eyes but she wouldn't meet his gaze.
"I would have come home," he told her, wrapping his hands around hers, encasing the cufflinks between their joined hands. "You should have told me."
"You couldn't have done anything Michael," she whispered sadly as she pulled away from him, leaving him with her father's prized possessions. "Even you can't turn back time."
"No, but I should have been here with you." His eyes followed her when she returned to the kitchen and he knew instantly that the conversation was over. Looking down at the two gold squares in his hands he couldn't help but feel the pang of guilt that railroaded through his body. What had he been doing the last time he'd left her that was so important? Shaking his head with regret he slipped the cufflinks into the side panel of his bag and vowed to keep them with him.
"What time do you have to leave?"
Her voice startled him and he turned around to see her standing beside him with a cup of yogurt in her hand. Holding it out to him she offered him a slight smile when he reached out to take it from her.
"I have to meet Pearce in an hour," he told her with a deep sigh. Looking down at the yogurt in his hand he lifted his eyes to meet her gaze again. "Are you going to be okay?"
His words caught her by surprise and she suddenly didn't know what to say. Looking towards the kitchen she sighed nonchalantly as she gestured towards the open balcony doors. "Oh I'll be just fine. I have your CIA spy friend's to keep me company."
Michael followed her gaze and couldn't seem to shake the deep sadness that enveloped his body. He didn't want to leave her here alone to wallow in her grief, even though she had hidden it so well from him over the last few weeks.
"Maybe I should parade around naked—" her voice startled him out of his reverie and he turned to face her, his shock quickly dissolving into a smile when he saw her dishevelled appearance. Placing the unopened yogurt onto the table he stepped towards her, aching to hold her and erase her pain.
"Fi," he couldn't keep the love from his voice when he reached for her to brush some errant strands of hair away from her eyes. Her face was pale and her eyes were red but he thought she looked more beautiful than he had ever seen her before. Leaning forward he placed a soft kiss onto her forehead before pulling back to look down into her eyes. "Will you be okay?"
"I'm always okay, Michael," she sighed as her lips turned upwards into a sad smile. Reaching out to his shirt she ran the palms of her hands over his chest before she stepped away from him. "You should get going. You don't want to keep her waiting."
Michael hesitated for a moment and tried to think of something he could say that could possibly convey to her just how much he adored her. Taking a breath he was about to tell her he would find a way to call her when her earlier comment suddenly sprang to the forefront of his mind.
"Naked?" he asked as he shook his head slowly, not really sure if she'd made that comment to gain his attention. "Fi—"
"Michael…do you really think they haven't already seen me naked?" she asked him with a soft chuckle that just sounded hollow to her own ears. Shaking the emptiness away she looked up at him with a sad, teasing smile. "They've probably seen you too…"
Michael's eyes snapped up to the open door and back towards her before he strode towards it to pull it closed. He didn't want to even imagine what kind of images the CIA or Agent Pearce had accumulated over their months of surveillance. When he looked back at Fiona she was beside him in seconds and he felt his resolve melting under her emotion filled gaze.
"Stay away from the door," he told her seriously, "unless you know, you're dressed."
He expected some kind of comeback from her, something that was so distinctly her, but she just seemed so incredibly sad. He was finding it increasingly difficult to separate himself from her, each time it hurt a little more. He watched her carefully when she lifted her eyes to his and tried to offer him a reassuring smile but he could see right through her façade.
"Don't let that woman get inside your head" she told him as she played with the buttons on his shirt. "Don't give me an excuse to shoot her!"
Michael wrapped his hands around hers and pulled them up so that he could kiss her fingers. "I'll be careful, okay?"
When Fiona nodded, he sighed when he saw the love sparkling in her eyes, and he thanked whoever was listening for bringing her back to him. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips to hers in a sweet, soft kiss, then pulled back to look down into her eyes again.
"I'll see you when I get back," he told her as he picked up his bag.
"Okay," she nodded, even though the ache of loneliness was rearing up inside her again. Swallowing hard she walked him towards the door and leaned against it as he turned around to kiss her again before he walked down the steps and away from her.
000
Agent Pearce stared at her own reflection in the bathroom mirror. She couldn't seem to stop trembling as she smoothed her hands over her long black gown. Everything was going to plan so far and she was pleased with the honeymoon suite that the hotel had provided. All she needed to do now was to turn on her charm and seduce to the man who was waiting for her in the other room.
Her heart lurched with the guilt that sparked inside her but she closed her eyes and pushed it away. He was a handsome man and despite the fact that he seemed to be deeply attached to his bomb making girlfriend, she knew that every man had a weakness; she just had to find his.
Stepping out of the bathroom her eyes drank in the man before her and she suddenly felt her mouth grow dry. He was dressed in a dark grey suit looking so focused and so…incredibly handsome. Swallowing hard she closed the bathroom door with a loud bang, bringing his attention to her.
"Agent Pearce," he nodded as his eyes took in her appearance before he looked back down at the file in his hands. "I've booked us a table next to Terrence Becket. It shouldn't be too hard to strike up some kind of conversation with him."
Agent Pearce was thrown for a moment with his officious appraisal of her appearance. She looked down at herself and stepped a little closer towards him.
"Do you think this is a little too revealing for dinner?" she asked him in a soft voice.
He lifted his eyes from the file again and shook his head quickly before returning his eyes to the words that were keeping his attention. "You look fine."
Kim Pearce stared at him for a long moment before she finally tried to gain his attention with a different approach. "I hope you pay Fiona more attention when she dresses up."
Michael's hands stilled and he slowly lifted his head to fix her with a steely glare. "My girlfriend is not up for discussion."
"Okay," she held her hands in the air and stepped back before forcing a smile to her face. She could see his jaw twitching and knew instantly that she had hit a nerve. "I'm just making conversation!"
Michael's eyes bored into hers for a few moments before he thrust the file in her direction. "Talk about the job."
Pearce sighed heavily as she reached out to take the file, feeling a deep frustration beginning to build inside her. This was going to be harder than she thought. Most men she'd dealt with had cracked within a few minutes of the promise of a night with no strings attached. His loyalty to his girlfriend was impressive and a trait that she couldn't help but admire. But she was here to do a job so she pushed forward and edged a little closer but stopped mid stride when a flash of gold caught her eyes.
"Nice cufflinks," she told him, putting on her best smile when she saw a spark of something in his eyes. She saw his hand still as he looked down at them with a wistful smile, and she knew that it could only mean one thing. "From Fiona?"
Michael's eyes snapped up to hers and she could see his eyes flare with emotion before he quickly hid it away and fiddled with the gold squares at his wrists. He was a deeply secretive man but even he couldn't hide the love in his eyes whenever her name was mentioned. She continued to watch him as he stroked a finger over the green leaf in the centre before he sat up a little straighter. "They're from my father in law actually."
"Your father in law?" Shaking her head, Agent Pearce looked upon him with an incredulous smile. "Well, the last time I read your file you weren't married…"
The look he gave her stopped her dead and she knew by his stance that the conversation was definitely over. Shaking off his abruptness she turned her attention down to the folder in her hands and took a mental note that the relationship between Michael Westen and Fiona Glenanne went far deeper than anyone had realised, even her. She had questioned herself so many times before she had taken this assignment on whether she could do this, and she had come up with exactly the same answer now as she had back then. She didn't have a choice any more.
"We should get going," he told her, suddenly all business as he pulled on his jacket and straightened his tie. Delving his hand into his pocket he pulled out a gold wedding band and slipped it onto his finger before turning around to face her. "Let's do this."
000
Fiona was sitting out on the balcony staring up at the cloudless sky when Sam came into the loft. Stepping further inside he looked around for her until he saw her completely still and not even registering that she knew he was there.
Swallowing heavily Sam took a deep breath and prepared himself for any onslaught she was going to inflict on him once she knew that Michael had called him. He'd asked him to keep an eye on her, but hadn't divulged why, but by the sound of his voice Sam knew something was seriously wrong.
"You know, you should really lock the door," he told her as he stepped out onto the balcony. "Any kind of undesirables could come in here."
He knew he'd left himself wide open to one of her witty comebacks and he waited for her to give him her best shot, but she didn't even turn around. Worry etched its way into his eyes and he slowly sank down into the lounger opposite her to cast a worried gaze over her prone figure.
"Uh Fi, help me out here," he started carefully as he waited for any sign from her that she'd even heard him. "Listen, I don't know what kinda fight you and Mikey had before he left but you've gotta snap out of it."
Fiona's head slowly turned towards him, causing his breath to catch in his throat. Her eyes were dull and she looked so fragile that it shocked him to his very core. He couldn't ever remember a time when he'd seen her looking so vulnerable, and seeing her like this caused all kinds of chaos to run rampage inside him.
"Sam," she breathed his name and sat up a little straighter in the lounger, shock quickly registering in her eyes. "When did you get here?"
"I've been here for a few minutes," he told her worriedly. "Are you okay Fi?"
"hmmm?" she murmured distantly as she closed her eyes against the suns bright rays before she opened them to look on him with confusion. "I'm fine…is there something you needed?"
"How about an explanation?" he asked, unable to shake the concern from his gaze. "I got a call from Mike to come check on you, and when I get here I find you sitting here staring off into space like you lost your best friend or something…What's going on?"
His words caused her to catch her breath and she swallowed the grief that was aching to charge through her. She had already lost control once today and she wasn't going to do it again, especially not in front of Sam. Pulling herself forward she got up from the lounger to walk silently into the loft, indicating for him to follow when she walked towards the cabinet beside the bed.
Sam watched her for all of a second before he got to his feet to hover beside her. Her silence was unnerving and he wasn't used to this side of her. She was the strong one; the one who held the team together. Her vibrancy was the reason he thought of her so fondly, but when she turned to face him holding out a folded letter, he looked down at him with uncertainty before he reached out to take it from her fingers.
"You want a beer?" she asked as she moved away from him, not waiting for an answer. Her whole body felt hollow and raw, much like it had when Claire had died. Back then she had used her anger as an outlet for her pain. She had destroyed many things as she went, leaving damaged buildings and broken bodies in her wake.
She heard Sam's slow exhale before she turned around to face him, unwilling to see the sympathy she knew she would see in his eyes. This is exactly what she had wanted to avoid. She wasn't some damsel in distress who needed saving, she was strong and unbreakable. She was a Glenanne woman, known for their strength and their constancy, so why did she feel like her heart had been fractured?
"Fi," Sam's voice seemed to echo around the loft when he looked up from the letter to cast her a sorrowful gaze. "I'm sorry."
Fiona closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath before opening them again to look towards the man who had become a close friend. Nodding her head she forced the sadness away from her eyes and offered him a small smile before handing him one of the bottles she held in her hand.
"So, he called you?" she asked with a shake of her head. "I knew he would."
"He was worried Fi," he told her as he shrugged his shoulders. "And I can't say I blame him…"
Fiona lifted her gaze to his and felt some of the sadness ease away when she caught the look in his eyes. She couldn't help but smile when tried to fold the letter while holding his beer at the same time, and failing miserably.
Coming towards him she took her mother's letter from his fingers and glanced down at it once more before she screwed it up into a ball between her hands. She knew she should have done this a long time ago but she just hadn't been ready to let go. Wordlessly she walked into the kitchen to take a lighter out of the draw before she flicked it into a flame and held it beneath the ball of paper. The orange fire licked at the paper, spreading rapidly until the letter became nothing but a pile of smouldering ash in the sink.
Fiona looked down at it for a few moments before she turned on the tap to wash the remnants of charred remains down the sink and stood back, feeling oddly free.
Turning back towards the man who was still staring at her like a deer caught in headlights, she offered him a satisfied smile before she grabbed her beer from the counter and raised it in the air towards him in a silent toast to the future.
000
Kim Pearce watched Michael who kept his eyes on the other diners in the room. He was so absorbed in his work and she could finally understand now why Raines was so insistent on having him back. She looked down into her wine glass and suddenly felt like an outsider who was watching from the side lines.
So far he had only glanced up at her when she got in his eyeshot, and this whole thing was starting to wear very thin. They were supposed to be a married couple and if he wasn't going to act out his part then she would have to do it for him. Moving her arm across the table she closed a hand around his and instantly felt him tense beneath her touch.
"Work with me Michael," she muttered under her breath. "We're supposed to be married."
She met his blank stare and instantly felt herself grow increasingly frustrated. He wasn't going to make this easy for her, but when he suddenly cast a wide smile in her direction she couldn't help but smile back. Maybe things wouldn't be as hard as she thought, but when someone came to stand beside their table she slowly realised the reason for his sudden change of heart. The man they had come here to run surveillance on was right here beside them, grinning from ear to ear.
"You young'uns should be out on the dance floor," he told them with a beaming smile. Holding out his hand to Agent Pearce he took hers between his and bent to place a soft kiss onto her fingers. "You're far too lovely to be sitting here."
"Uh…thank you," she stuttered, suddenly at a loss for words. She looked towards Michael who was watching the exchange with the same amount of professionalism as he had earlier.
"Mind if I borrow your wife for a while?" Terrence Beckett asked Michael with a charming smile.
"Go ahead," Michael nodded, plastering a false smile to his face as he leant across the chair towards Agent Pearce's ear. "Find out what he knows," he whispered before he pulled away, completely oblivious to the disappointment on her face.
"I'll bring her back in one piece," Terrence told him as he pulled Agent Pearce out of her chair and led her towards the dance floor.
Michael nodded and looked around the room with a trained eye as he ran his fingertips over the gold cufflinks at his wrists. His concentration was on the job at hand, but as soon as his fingers touched the small golden square he found his mind slipping away and he tried not to think of her. Giving himself a mental shake he tore his fingers away from the jewellery at his wrists and forced himself to push his thoughts aside. There would be time to think of Fiona later when he was alone, but right now he had a job to do.
TBC
