(Hope you guys enjoy the story so far! Leave reviews and stuff! I love me my reviews! BTW : Thanks to all the Swedish people reading my story! And Russians! Russians and Swedes –Is that an offensive term? Swedes? I apologize if this is, is Swedishman the right term or something?- are awesome!)

CHAPTER THREE

"Hey, you awake? C'mon, wake up, ya got missions and stuff to do!" a voice said in the distance.

A groan seemed to come from somewhere.

"C'mon, wake up! Protagonists can't just sleep all day! Wake up!" the voice said.

Another groan.

Suddenly, something infiltrated the wall of darkness enveloped around the mind, somebody broke the comfortable land of peace and quiet. It sent a feeling of awareness through the sleepy village, rising up the system to the brain, spraying acid on it and the eyes, causing the eyes to open and the brain to function. After its merciless attack on the eyes and brain, it pillaged the peaceful lands of the legs and arms.

Jason's eyes opened, and he groaned.

"Finally, you woke up," the voice said.

"You didn't have to kick me," Jason groaned.

"C'mon, get up already!" the voice said. Jason groaned again and pushed himself off the wooden floor and sat up. He looked around. The voice had come from Dr. Earnhardt, but that wasn't the surprising thing. The house was a complete mess! There was paint on the walls, there were potato chips everywhere, along with watermelon seeds, and some ash-like substance strewed all over the floor.

"Shit," Jason said.

"Yeah, you really got high. Now get up so I can give you your next mission," Dr. Earnhardt said.

"What? But I already saved Daisy," Jason moaned.

"Actually, you didn't, really. I mean, Daisy died after all. But even if you did save Daisy, you still have to save your other friends," Dr. Earnhardt said.

"Wwwhhhyyyy?" Jason whined and slumped back down to the floor and closed his eyes.

"Wake the hell up you lazy bastard!" Dr. Earnhardt said and kicked Jason again. "Man, you're the most pathetic protagonist ever," he added.

"I don't wanna be a protagonist, let Niko do it," Jason said.

"WAKE THE HELL UP!" Dr. Earnhardt yelled, and kicked Jason once again. Jason finally sat back up then stood up.

"What's your stupid mission?" Jason asked.

"I need you to go get some flowers and plants and stuff for me," Dr. Earnhardt said, walking off into the kitchen as he talked.

"What?! No! I'm tired of doing little chores and shit! That's all I've been doing lately! Fixing towers, fetching mushrooms, Little Jacob even asked me to wash his dishes and feed the tiger! No! Come on, I want a real quest!" Jason said.

"Well, fine, go save one of your friends, then, I don't need your help," Dr. Earnhardt spat back.

"Fine, I'm leaving," Jason said, and stormed out dramatically.

"OOWWWWW! GETOFFAME!" Jason screamed , furiously kicking at the crocodile and punching it, throwing water everywhere.

"SHIIITT, LEGGO! LEGGO ALREADY!" he yelled at the crocodile, but he seemed firmly latched to his leg. Jason tried again to crawl to the shore to get to his pistol but the crocodile kept him in the river. At least it was at the shallow part of the river, so Jason wasn't drowning.

"Jason!" he heard his walky-talky say. He picked it up and put it to his mouth.

"Little busy, Little Jacob!" he yelled.

"But this is important!" Little Jacob persisted.

"So is my leg! Crap! GETOFFAME YOU STUPID THING!" Jason shouted at the crocodile.

"Jason, there is a ship, it is called The Medusa!" Little Jacob said.

"I SAID I'M BUSY, LITTLE JACOB! THERE'S A CROCODILE ON MY LEG!" Jason shouted, this time at the walky-talky.

"Shoot it!" Little Jacob said.

"My gun is out of reach!" Jason replied.

"Stab it!" Little Jacob said.

"Oh," Jason said. He pulled out his knife and stabbed the crocodile a few times until the crocodile was dead.

"Thanks, Little Jacob. Anyway, what about Medusa?" Jason asked.

"The Medusa. It's a PETA ship. We believe in may contain valuable intel on Vaas and your friends," Little Jacob said.

"Won't there probably be pirates surrounding it?" Jason asked.

"Yeah," Little Jacob said.

"Well, shit," Jason said.

"You're supposed to say 'great'," Little Jacob said.

"Why the hell would I think it's great?" Jason asked.

"Because that's what the action hero's always sa- My God, you're not at all gung-ho. Just sneak in, alright? And don't get yourself shot too much," Little Jacob said, and turned off his walky-talky. Jason sighed and turned off his own, clipping it back to his belt. He walked over to the shore, sat down and picked up his gun and holstered it. He pulled out some bandages and started to cover up the wound the crocodile had given him on his leg. Bandages helped everything! Bandages were always the answer! That and duct tape, but Jason was more of a bandages man, duct tape was Chuck Greene's job. Ah, Chuck Greene, Jason thought, even now you inspire me to keep moving on.

"Hey, pass me that donut," PETA worker #1 said.

"What kind? Jelly or non-jelly?" PETA worker #2 asked.

"What the hell are you talking about?! Non-jelly, who the hell eats jelly donuts?"

"Me!"

"What kind of a sick bastard are you? Jelly donuts are disgusting!"

"They're delicious! Non-jelly donuts have no flavor!"

"Bastard, they're superb! You obviously have never tasted one!"

"I have tasted many non-jelly donuts in my day, what do you think I am, some sort of an amateur, I've tasted non-jelly donuts and I hate non-jelly donuts!"

"Jelly donuts are disgusting, you fool, they taste so bad!"

"They are delicious!"

"NO! You are not a true pirate if you eat jelly donuts, jelly donuts both taste bad and are for wimps!"

"FOOL! Non-jelly donuts are for wimps! You merely can't handle the jelly!"

"I can handle the jelly, I just do not wish to eat the jelly, it is like handling dog piss, you can handle dog piss, no? But would you willingly drink dog piss instead of Gatorade?"

"Gatorade sucks!"

"COME HERE, YOU BASTARD!" the PETA worker said, and leaped at the other PETA worker.

Seeing that he needed not waste any rocks to distract these two, Jason merely crouch-walked past the two PETA workers at the camp-fire. So far infiltrating the Medusa didn't seem so hard. Maybe he could just sneak in, get the intel, and sneak out! They'd never even know what hit them!

Jason walked behind the cover of another ship. Ha, he thought, I'm such a ninj-

Suddenly a PETA worker rounded the corner and stopped right in front of Jason. The two stared at each other, both of them trying to think of what to do. Finally deciding on a genius idea, Jason pulled out a rock and threw it at the guards face.

"Ow!" the guard said, and Jason lunged out, knife in hand. He quickly silenced the guard.

"Hey, what was that?" John said.

"Whaddaya mean?" Jon asked. The two were PETA workers.

"I thought I heard Jean say something," John said.

"Wait, Jean? I thought we were working with Jonny," Jon said.

"No, Jonny's working with Joan!" John said.

"No, that's Johnny, I'm talking about Jonny!" Jon said.

"OOOOOHHH, I thought you meant Johnny! Well, then, if Johnny is working with Joan, and me and you, Jon and John, are working together, then who's Jean working with?" John asked.

"Jonathan!" Jon said.

"No, Jonathan is the third person on Johnny and Joan's team!" John said.

"Not Jonathan, I mean Johnathan!" Jon said.

"Ah, yes, the Icelandic spelling of Jonathan!" John said.

"Well, then who-"

PEW, PEW.

The two PETA workers dropped dead. Jason looked around, making sure nobody had heard. Well, the silencers had been worth the money, but it just didn't sound as cool as it did without a silencer.

Jason finally started to climb up the catwalk to the last ship. He'd snuck through the entire place! Boy, he was even stealthier than he thought. Anyway, now all he had to do was get the intel and get out! He went all the way up the catwalk and entered the room that the intel was being held in. There wasn't much in the room, just boxes and crates, and one tabletop with a computer on top of it. Jason stood up and stretched his limbs, groaning as he did so. It wasn't easy to crouch-walk across an entire pirate campground. He shut the door and walked over to the computer, pulling out the chip inside it.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Crap, the alarm! Jason quickly put the chip in his pocket and ran over to the door and opened it. He vaulted over the bars and dropped onto a lower portion of the catwalk, then vaulted over them and fell down onto the sand and started sprinting as fast as he could.

"HEY, THERE'S THE LITTLE SHITTER! GET HIM JEAN!"

"Who, me?"

"YEAH, YOU, JEAN!"

"Sorry, I just thought you meant John, or Jon," Jean said.

"GET HIM!"

"Why?! Can't we just shoot at him?"

"THAT'S WHAT I MEAN, SHOOT AT HIM!"

"Why are you telling me this, you shoot at him too!"

"FINE, JEAN, GOD, YOU'RE SO ANNOYING, JEAN!"

"STOP CALLING ME JEAN!"

"BUT YOUR NAME IS JEAN!"

"YEAH, BUT IT'S LIKE YOUR GIVING ME F***ING ORDERS!"

"I AM GIVING YOU F***ING ORDERS!"

"F*** YOU!"

"F*** YOU, TOO!"
"Guys, guys, guys, what's going on here, there's no need to cuss, you might frighten the animals, come on!"

"There's a guy escaping with our inte- Well, crap, now he's gone."

"Here you go," Jason said, handing Little Jacob the chip.

"You actually got it?" Little Jacob replied.

"Yeah, of course I got it, whaddaya mean?" Jason asked.

"I dunno, I just thought you'd get killed, I was going to get another protagonist," Little Jacob said.

"Well, I'm a bit tougher than you think, Little Jacob, and by the way, could you please decrypt the intel for me, now?" Jason asked.

"PFFT- Already did it. I'm just that smart. Anyway, it says that they've got your good ol' buddy Liza!" Little Jacob said.

"Liza? Really? Where?" Jason asked. He remembered Liza. She was the chick that broke up with him.

They're being held at-" The phone suddenly started ringing "- hold on, lemme take this call," Little Jacob said. He got up from his chair and walked over to the phone and answered it.

"Hello? This is he. Wait, what is happening? They're coming? Shit!" Little Jacob said, and slammed down the receiver. "Jason, PETA is coming to invade our village! We need your help!" he said.

"Screw you guys!" Jason said.

Little Jacob hesitated, then said, "If you don't help us, we won't tell you where Liza is!"

"Bastards!" Jason replied.

"Mwahahah, we are indeed very evil. Anyway, we need you to go to the PETA squad that's coming's campground and infiltrate their weapon cache! Blow it all up!" Little Jacob said.

"Shit, fine," Jason said, and walked out.

(Since the author doesn't really feel like writing out the entire attack on the PETA base, we'll just skip that)

The shack blew up in flames, setting the corpses nearby it all on fire. Jason wiped the blood on his hands off on his shirt and pulled out his walky-talky and said, "I did your stupid mission, Little Jacob. I kinda killed all the pirates here, too."

"Well, aren't you a good little protagonist?" Little Jacob replied.

"Now where is Liza?" Jason asked.
"Y'know, I don't remember. Seriously, I'm sorry as hell, but I don't remember shit. I have a terrible memory, and I threw away the intel. Sorry!" Little Jacob said, and hung up.

"You little piece of s- OW!" Jason began to say, before he suddenly felt someone strike him in the back of the head. He turned around to see a PETA worker with his rifle raised, the butt towards Jason.

"What the hell, man, that hurt!" Jason said.

The PETA worker hit him in the head again.

"Shit, OW! QUIT IT!" Jason said.

"Crap, rifle butts are supposed to be a protagonists one and only weakness! Anyone got some knock-out darts?" the PETA worker asked.

"Me!" said another PETA worker, who walked over and handed them and a pipe to the first PETA worker. Jason rubbed his head while the PETA worker loaded the dart-shooter.

"Hey, listen, I'm really sorry about your head, I thought it'd knock you out immediately, sorry," the PETA worker said.

"It's fine," Jason said grumpily.

"Aw, now come on, don't be grumpy! Just because we're enemies doesn't mean we can't be friends! Come on, brohug?" the PETA worker asked.

Jason hesitated then said, "Fine, brohug," and the two brohugged.

"Great, now fall asleep," the PETA worker said, and shot Jason with a sleeping dart.

Jason's eyes fluttered open as they always did. His eyelids just loved to flutter, to flutter open, to flutter shut, to flutter open again. They aspired to one day be butterfly wings and to flutter all day long, whenever they pleased.

Jason tried to move his hands. They were tied. Again. He was in a wooden shack, with wooden walls and a wooden roof and floor, and two wooden chairs. One of them Jason was in and in the other was….. Liza?

"I see you've finally woken up," Vaas said in his evil, psychotic, foreign pirate accent. Man, that just made Jason quiver with jealousy. Vaas held a gasoline container in his hand. He poured it around the floor as he walked around, then splashed some right in Jason's face.

"HEY! NO SPLASHING EACH OTHER IN THE POOL!" the lifeguard shouted.

"Sorry," Vaas and Jason said simultaneously.

"Anyway, Jason, I suppose I finally caught you again, eh? Took me a while. You escaped my camp! That took some real guts, that took some real balls, Jason. As the great Tony Montana, who was obsessed with balls, once said, 'Ya gotta have balls.' Or something like that, hell, I don't remember, I haven't seen that movie in ages, I just remember he never stopped talking about genitals. But the point is, you've got some courage. So I'm going to kill you and your girlfriend, Jason," Vaas said.

"Um, excuse me," Liza said. Vaas turned around.

"What is it?" he asked.

"We broke up," Liza said.

"I don't give a shit," Vaas said. "My accent is too badass to make me care," he added.

"Why are you doing this?" Jason asked.

"Why the hell do you think, HOSTAGES, dumbass, I mean, I'm a modern-day pirate. It's not like I just go around robbing other ships, this is modern-day, man, I get involved in slavery, in drug trafficking, all that modern crime shit! Anyway, I also really want your camera, but I refuse to steal it from you because of honor. If you merely give me the camera, I'll let you go," Vaas said.

"NEVER!" Jason shouted back.

"Well, screw this funky scene, peace out, call me on the groove tube, soul brothah," Vaas said, and lit his lighter and threw it down onto the gasoline, then exited along with his lackies.

"Jason!" Liza screamed as the fire spread.

"Quit complaining!" Jason yelled back. He started to rock his chair from side to side.

"JASON, QUIT DANCING AND DO SOMETHING!" Liza screamed.

"SHUSH YOUR MOUTH, WOMAN, I AM DOING SOMETHING!" Jason shouted. The chair finally toppled over, Jason's face landed right in a streak of fire.

"HOLY SHIT, THAT BURNS, OH FRICKING DEAR HOLY F***ING SHIT OF **** ***** *****," Jason screamed. The section of floor below him collapsed, and once again, Jason was plummeting down into darkness. Except this time it was no acid trip.

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSOOOOOOoooo ooonnnn….." he heard Liza scream as she faded out. Well, she didn't just fade out, it was also kind of hard to hear her through all the wooden floors Jason was crashing through. The rope had already broken, and Jason was patting furiously at the fire on his face now. Finally, Jason crashed right down to the bottom and stopped. Also, the fire on his face had stopped. That was two good things that had happened in a row! Maybe his luck was turning. Jason stood up and looked around. There was wood, and fire, and that was about all. Just wood and fire. Oh, and concrete and stuff. Mostly concrete, actually, since this was the bottom level.

"I'm coming Liza!" Jason shouted and started running. He caught fire again as he went up the stairs, then yet again at the top of the stairs. Crap, the memes were right, he was the most flammable thing on the universe!

"Liza, I'm coming!" Jason shouted again as he patted out the fires on him while running. Man, it was so hard to see what with all the smoke and the fact that every part of the place that wasn't lit by fire was dark. Jason coughed and tried to hold his breath as he rushed through the burning-down building.

"LIZA, REMEMBER WHEN I SAID I'M COMING? WELL, I'M DOING EXACTLY THAT, KEEP CALM, DON'T WORRY!" Jason shouted. He ran up another flight of stairs and across a narrow beam, through a doorway, up another flight o- Oh, who am I kidding, let's just say he ran into all kinds of dangerous stuff on the way. Eventually he made it back to the top room, kicking down the door and rushing in.

"Liza!" he exclaimed when he saw her.

"Jason *cough, cough* we've gotta get out of he-"

"BITCH, YOOOOUUUU BROKE UP WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he shouted as he rammed towards her as he did the PETA employer a chapter or so ago if my faithful readers remember.

"JASON, NO!"

He rammed right into her, carrying her with him, and crashed straight through the wall.

"BIIIIIIIIIIIITTCCHHHHHH!" he yelled as they flew through the air. He hadn't realized they'd been on a hilltop. The two began their speedy descent down through the air, Jason still shouting out his battle-cry, which went as so : "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH !"

It was a wonderful battle-cry, I'm sure.

The two crashed down to the ground, dirt and dust flying up high into the air as it always did in movies. Jason shoved himself up off of the crushed ex-girlfriend below him and looked around. It looked he was in a logging camp or something. Where the hell had Vaas brought him?

"HEY, THERE HE IS! GO GET HIM!"

"Oh, are you serious? Are we really going to have this problem again with the 'go get him', seriously?"

"Well, Mr. Likes to Use the Word 'Seriously' a Lot, why seriously don't you seriously just get him, seriously?"

"What do you expect me to do? Run after him? That's dumb, we can just shoot him!"

"That's what I mean, shoot him!"

"Then why did you tell me to 'go get him'?"

"Ju- P- Beca- JUST SHOOT ALREADY!"

"This again? Seriously, guys, stop bickering. What are you even bickering about?"

"That gu- SHIT! HE'S GONE AGAIN! MAN, HE'S A F***ING NINJA!"