Disclaimer: Hmm…(goes off to check her copies of Tolkien's works)…nope. Still not my name that's on there. Phooey. XD It's a very good thing, though. If I owned it, the Lord of the Rings wouldn't even be one tenth as awesome as it is now, yeah?

And the Silmarillion reference is in THIS half of the chapter XD.

And I still own whatever random OC's I stuck in this story.

But I don't own Handi-Wipes.

Author's Note: Here's the second part of Chapter 2! Be prepared for "new" character(s) and all that jazz. This time, flames will immediately upon obtainment be given to Roy Mustang, who will have lots of fun with them XD. On the other hand, constructive crit will be happily received with a big "Sankyuu."

Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter(s)! You make me happy!


Concerning Elves…and Those Other Dudes

Chapter 2: So who the heck is Saurina? (Part 2)

Meanwhile...

At the top of the tower, there was a single room with a single window. A single torch burned in the corner, and a single light bulb hung from the ceiling, sorrowfully swinging back and forth. As it flickered, it cast eerie shadows onto the dirty, moldy stone walls, illuminating the assorted smashed insect corpses, all seeming to have met their deaths by a single fly swatter. Indeed, this was a very sad, and very singular room.

On a tiny, grimy bar stool in the center of this room sat a mysterious figure, trying to keep its balance. It was draped in a black hooded cloak with the words "I am the Fortune Teller Lady: F33R ME!" sewn on the back in gold lettering. A Pal-and-Tear crystal ball stood in a rusty metal stand on a small wooden table. She peered deep into her crystal ball, concentrating intensely.

"Hmm...I see a mist of some sort...Oh my! ...Oh my! ...Now I see a fog closing in…It's very foggy...Oh, wait. Those are just smudges."

She pulled out a handi-wipe and rubbed the Pal-and-Tear furiously.

"Mm…much better...now...I see an extremely handsome young elf lad and a funny-looking girl standing beside him...wow, those handi-wipes sure do a great job...they seem to be looking straight at me." She shuddered. "Freaky…"

"Um...excusy?" squeaked Legolas in a small, shy voice.

The Fortune Teller Lady looked up, startled to see SkiBz and Legolas standing right in front of her. "OH! ...Hello...um...I predicted your arrival, you know…eheh."

Oh, yes. Of course. Was that during or after the five minutes we've been standing here waiting right in front of you? I'm an impatient person, okay? I WAS PROMISED CHOCOLATE TO COME HERE! (Starts foaming at mouth)

"Kwah! Ok, ok! Wh-what can I do for you?" stuttered the Fortune Teller Lady, falling off her chair and scuttling as far away as she could.

OH! I know! I know! After you get me my chocolate, you can tell us the future! Yeah! Yeah! The future! (Jumps up and down repeatedly)

"T-take it." She quickly tossed over a bar of 'Middle-Earth Way' chocolate.

Yesh! At long last! (Rips it open and starts gnawing on the yummy-dilly-icious chocolate!)

Legolas piped up. "I gotsa question."

"...A-ask away..." said the Fortune Teller Lady in a shaky voice.

"Why are you stuttering what's your real name and why are you an eyeball?"

She cleared her throat. "Those were three questions..."

"Do I look like I care?"

"…No, actually you don't. Anyhooz, I'm not stuttering anymore so that question is invalid. My real name is..."

A drumroll accompanied by spooky music floated in from the overhead speaker (a single one).

"...Saurina!..."

The music came to a swelling climax. The lightbulb and window shattered.

"...and I am an eyeball because I lost my body when that bi…witch Isildura cut off my finger...Umm...I looked too ugly without my finger so I decided to discard my entire body except for my left eye...yea that's it!" She gave a nervous chuckle.

Legolas screwed up his face. "Eww, that's icky!"

"Yeah, I know, right?" sighed Saurina.

Well, the chocolate's all gone…so how about my future, now? Yay!

Saurina twitched. "Erm...hold up just a sec..." She pulled out a copy of 'Fortune Telling for Retarded People Like You: The Beginner's Edition of Fortune Telling for Dummies' and flipped to random page. "...Umm...your fortune is that...you will marry the man of your dreams, visit a new world, and conquer Canada...

Yes! I knew it! Canada will be mine!

"...Legolas, your oracle is that...you will meet some strange men, miraculously avoid being touched by them, and become king of Mirkwood..."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, duh. That was obvious."

"What? The men or their touching?"

Legolas stared at her with wide eyes, innocence written all over his face. "My daddy says it's not good for me to listen to that kind of talk! I'm gonna be king of Mirkwood, of course!" He then rambled over to ROABN and poked him in the head.

"Oh, so now it's MY turn to talk?" muttered ROABN. "Yeah, so all of a sudden, the door swung open with a slam..."

"Why am I always getting abused? Why me? WHY?"

"...and in sauntered the She-orc from the 'Makeunders' salon. In each hand, she was dragging a young elf maiden, kicking and screamaaaaaaaaaahhhhng…"

"Heyy," shouted Legolas. "I know you guys! You're Random Elf Children #562 & #163! I'm so smart!"

"CHIKoo!" chittered Random Elf Child #562.

(Translation: KICK!)

"CHIKOOO!" went Random Elf Child #163.

(Translation: SCREAM!)

Saurina scoffed at them, disgusted. "What's up with those two imbecilic dim-witted creatures...stupid elves..."

Legolas glared at her.

I'm glaring too! Grr…

"Agh! The glare! It burns! ...I didn't mean it honest I swear! …" Saurina twitched involuntarily.

"CHIIKOOO chikoo?"

(Translation: What's "imbecilic" mean?)

"Chii…Chikoo chikoO chikOO."

(Translation: Hmm...I think it means purple or something.)

"Oh...Chikoo chikoo chikoo?"

(Translation: Oh...then what does "stupid" mean?)

"Chii chikoo. Chikoo chikoo chikooo."

(Translation: Aw, that's easy. Of course it means bacon.)

Let's make this a game: Guess what Legolas did to ROABN…

…Okay, time's up.

ROABN yawned. "Darn you, Leggy child, quit poking me. And why do you always know my cue?"

"I'm a smart boy like that!" he answered, smiling sweetly.

I know I don't do much, I'm just...here...hehehe…

A frustrated Saurina growled. "Can we get back to the plot point of this chapter, folks?"

WHAT! PLOT POINT? WHERE? MUST...OBTAIN...PLOT POINT! (Turns and runs into a cushioned wall) Hey! How convenient!

"Oh yeah," said Saurina, "I just got that installed the other day."

PLOT POINT?

Saurina snarled and went into spasms. Smoke came out of her ears...I mean...eyeball...(what?)

"I AM THE PLOT POINT, DAMMIT!" she screamed. "ME! ALL ME! MINE! MY OWN!"

...Really? ...how come that never crossed my mind? ...Hmm… (Ponders)

"JUST READ THE CHAPTER TITLE, YOU BRAINLESS EXCUSE FOR A FAN FIC AUTHOR!"

Legolas quickly ran up to the top of the page with his amazing elvish agility and made a copy of the chapter title to paste back down here.

Paste Here: Chapter 2: So who the heck is Saurina?

... wait...it says heck...and… (Light flickers on) ... Ohhhhhhhh…

"Dimwit," muttered Saurina.

"Chikoo chikooo?"

(Translation: Is Dimwit like Figwit?)

"ChikoO chikoo CHIKOO, chik."

(Translation: Figwit's my dumb older cousin twice removed, you know.)

"Chikoo 'CHIKOO'?"

(Translation: What's "twice removed"?)

"Chikooo. Chikoo chikOO, chikoo?"

(Translation: Dunno. But it sounds cool, doesn't it?)

Saurina fumed. "WHY AM IN A ROOM FULL OF RETARDS AND DINGBATS?"

Legolas stared at her with big puppy eyes. "...Hey... you read 'Fortune Telling for Retarded People Like You: The Beginner's Edition of Fortune Telling for Dummies'. Are you a retard, too?" He blinked several times.

The she-orc growled. "Hey! You forgot about me, Oh Great One! ...and...I'm not a bat…"

Saurina cried out in agony, 'crazy mad like gonna punch someone's lights out (yo)'.

"ARGH! I'VE HAD IT! I'M FINISHED, DONE, KAPUT, KAPLOOIE! NO MORE FORTUNE TELLING FOR ME! I AM GOING TO FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY LATE MISTRESS MORGOTHA (A/N: idea from The Silmarillion that I do not own)! I AM GOING TO BECOME EVIL! I AM GOING TO BECOME ADDICTED TO THE CAPS LOCK KEY! FEAR ME! FEAR! READ MY CLOAK! MWAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!"

MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! (Shrugs) Probably just had too much chocolate. I understand. It happens to me all the time.

The scared Legolas stumbled over to the she-orc and clung to her leg, shaking. "For some reason I thinks she's seriously gone crazy mad…!"

The scared she-orc clung to Legolas, trying to hide behind him. "And that she's gonna punch someone's lights out...!"

And don't forget 'yo'!

"Chi...chikoo chikoo chikoo chikoO?"

(Translation: Wait...how can Miss Saurina punch if she don't got no arms?)

"Chikoo CHIKOO chikOO chikooo? Chikoo chikoooo?"

(Translation: Why do you always ask me the questions? Do I look like I know?)

Legolas whimpered and poked a certain someone.

No response form ROABN.

"Huh?" He poked him harder.

Still no response.

Legolas grumbled with impatience. "TUNAFISH!"

ROABN jerked up. "WHAT? ...Oh..." He turned around to see everyone staring, especially Saurina. "Umm...well, we're up to the part where the younger Elenuial comes in...Psst! Elenuial! Your cue!" he said in a loud stage whisper.

The young elf replied from somewhere backstage. "No, not yet! You gots to do the description, the earthquake and the light and everything!"

"Stupid demanding girly elves," muttered ROABN. He heaved a big sigh. "Okie," he continued, assuming a dramatic voice. "Ahem! All of a sudden, there was an unexpected earthquake!"

Everyone gave a great stage gasp.

"The earth trembled. The mountains shook. The trees were uprooted. The fake river flooded with the deathly water from More Gull Valley! And the most frightening thing of all...the stocks fell!" ROABN screamed and began to hyperventilate.

A Random Stage Crew Member rushed to ROABN and handed him a paper bag. "Just breath in and out, gramps. You're doing a swell job."

Elenuial popped outta nowhere. "Hi, guys!"

Everyone simply stared at her.

"At least she didn't slam me open," harrumphed the door with a haughty sniffle. "...Abusing a poor innocent door like me...it's quite unconstitutional..."

"I suggest you all run...but ish only a suggestion," said Elenuial.

Everyone kept staring.

"Get yurr butts outta hurr!" she hollered.

Everyone besides Saurina squeaked in fright and ran away.

"MWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!" cried Saurina. "I AM TOO POWERFUL! MERE ROCKS CANNOT DESTROY ME!"

Elenuial rolled her eyes and chucked a grain of sand at Saurina.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE IRRITATION! THE IRRITATION! WHERE ARE THOSE 'NO MORE DRY EYES' EYE DROPS WHEN YOU NEED 'EM?"

"Um, do you think shouting makes you more powerful or something? Cuz it ain't working with me!"

"STUPID GIRL WASN'T HERE BEFORE. STUPID GIRL DIDN'T SEE ME CLEARLY STATE THAT I WAS ADDICTED TO THE CAPS LOCK KEY."

"Well, in that case, you--"

"AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA! THAT WAS FUNNY!"

"--understand that More Door Amusement Park is falling apart before your eyes...I mean...eye..."

"DUMB CHILD. DUH."

"...and that all your park staff members are really ugly and have developed gourmet tastes..."

"YUP."

"…for each other..." Elenuial shrugged. "Oh yeah, and the 'More Sweets' Shoppe had all their chocolate yummies fall down a crevice..."

"AGH! NO! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!"

AGH! NO! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN! (Starts slapping self) Stupid SLAP fan SLAP fic SLAP author...SLAP

Meanwhile, a Random Balrog sat far beneath the surface, chomping contentedly on something that had clonked him on his head just a moment ago.

"Yum! Chocolate!"


The young Legolas and Company scurried away from the amusement park as fast as their little legs could carry them. They found the wagon driver slouched across his seat, with a bored yet threatening expression on his face.

"To Mirkwood! Hurry! Faster! Giddyup!" cried the elves, scrambling for seats and fastening their seatbeats. A volcano erupted in the distance.

The driver growled at them. "Good for nothin' pansy children!"

The camera returned to ROABN, who dutifully prattled, "And so ends the tale of the 'meeting' of Legolas and Elenuial, and the great rising of Saurina once again in the Third Age of Middle Earth. No one's ever going to remember this important story...unless of course...they watch this tape. So remember to watch this tape!" He flashed a wide, semi-toothless smile, and then tilted his head at the cameraman. "Okie, we're done."

Silence.

"WHY is that red light still blinking?"

Silence.

"I SAID SHUT OFF THE CAMERA DARN YOU!"

The screen went into T.V. snowstorm mode, crackling and buzzing with static.

(End flashback.)

SVWINN yawned and patted himself on the back for playing the tape without any major problems. "So, what'd you guys think?" he said, grinning.

Everyone responded with a hearty snore.

"Uhh...guys? Were you even watching?"

Silence, except for some random dude who mumbled, "…Zzz…the turkeys stole my back account…Zzz…"

SVWINN let out an exasperated sigh. "Stupid elves. Why do I even bother?"


Voila! You have arrived at the end of Chapter 2! Aren't you ecstatic? XD

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave ANY comments by pressing that friendly little purple button right over there...for some strange reason...the number of reviews I get seem to directly influence my updating speed! ...Tis a strange thing indeed...bwahaahhaa XD