As always, thank you so much for the reviews, follows and favorites!
This is the first chapter containing a flasback to provide context to their relationship in the past. And for those concerned about Porter, I promise he will not be getting together with Olivia.
''Liv, I can hear you.''
The sound of his voice caused her heart to beat that much faster as she backed away from the door. Forming words became impossible, knowing he was standing behind that door, mere inches away.
She'd never entertained the fantasy of facing him again. Thinking about situations in which their paths would cross only hurt her more. And even as she stood there, she tried to find any words to describe her feelings. Nothing seemed good enough. Perhaps it was anger, pain, or maybe just heartbreak. She didn't know.
She could hear him shifting on the other side as she took another step forward. Words still failed her. Simply because she couldn't make sense of the situation. Of him even. It was still too surreal.
''Open the door, Olivia.'' he pleaded, his voice filled with the need to see her. To make sure she was truly there. ''I can hear you. I know you're there.'' he whispered gently, as he put one hand on the door.
He sighed as the door remained closed. But how could he blame her? The day had been just as surprising to him as it must've been for her. If she felt anything like him, she was hurting badly.
''I just want to see you.'' he mumbled. ''All I've wanted in these past nine years is to see your face. Please open the door, Liv.''
She reached out to the door, her hand coming to rest on the handle. She didn't know if she was truly ready to open that door. But it felt like she had nothing left to lose. Whatever choice would follow, she had to live with either way.
A few seconds later, she turned the lock and opened the door, her eyes pointed straight ahead of her. The door slowly swung open, until Barba came in full view of her.
The closeness to him is what forced a wave of wonder through her. He was so close, closer than before and it felt strange. In a way it seemed like no time had passed. As if they stood before one another thrown back into the past. Like nothing had changed in their lives. But it had, and how to move forward from that point on seemed unattainable.
When their eyes locked, she felt the goosebumps on her skin. Her lips parted as she hesitated to speak. ''Hi.'' she croaked out, seeing a genuine smile forming.
He carefully and slowly took one step in her direction, never breaking eye contact. ''Hey.'' he greeted back, having no idea where the confrontation was about to go. He knew it wasn't necessarily a confrontation as much as it was them being forced to face the past.
''I don't what to say.'' she revealed openly, wincing at her own words when it was too late to take them back. ''I have no words right now.''
He nodded and could see her struggling before him. He only wondered with what emotion. Anger, pain, heartbreak. Most likely all of them, that much was to be expected. ''You don't have to say anything, Liv.'' he told her. ''I don't expect you to say anything to me.''
She shifted uncomfortably on her feet, her arms crossing her chest as a defense mechanism. ''So you work for the Manhattan DA's office now?'' she asked awkwardly.
''Yeah, I was promoted to Executive Assistant District Attorney three months ago.'' he replied as continued to hover in the doorway. ''What about you? Where are you currently located?''
She felt pride course through her as he mentioned his promotion. In the past, she'd admired him when he worked in Brooklyn. He was a force to be reckoned with in court, and she had loved watching him. ''That's amazing. Congratulations.'' she said, her voice gentle as she fought the surfacing emotions. ''I'm in DC.''
The parallels weren't lost on her. He'd left her in a hotel room nine years ago, only to have their first conversation in a hotel again.
''Do you maybe want to have a late lunch? Catch up?''
Her heart jumped at the question and her first impulse was to say yes, if only to catch up on their lives. Despite everything, she still cared deeply for him. A relationship like theirs wouldn't be quickly forgotten. ''If the situation had been different, yes.'' she answered in a saddened manner. ''But I think it would be unwise given that the FBI wants Anderson in custody. I want him in custody, Barba, and I have a feeling it'll lead to conflict.''
He nodded, disappointed yet understanding. She was setting boundaries, and although he understood, it didn't erase the difficulty of the situation. In a way, she seemed different. Almost detached as they spoke and it led him to wonder whether she was burying their past, or if she truly felt the need to remain professional.
''No, of course. I understand.'' he agreed. ''I did hear that you intimidated one of the ADA's this morning.''
She didn't flinch as he spoke his last sentence. ''It wasn't as much intimidation as it was a friendly suggestion.''
He shrugged his shoulders as he studied her closely, unable to trace any emotion from her expression. Unlike before, she was now stoic and resigned. ''A friendly suggestion.'' he repeated, knowing how ridiculous that term was. She had intimidated one of his people, and that did anger him, but she seemed unaffected by her own actions. ''And what would that friendly suggestion entail, Agent Benson?''
Any personal feelings had been pushed aside, and Olivia took a step in his direction as their eyes remained locked. ''Well, Counselor, it means that everyone involved will benefit when Anderson is in FBI custody. Dean Porter is on his way to explain that to your department.'' she responded firmly. ''Believe me or not, but you want nothing to do with this case.''
The name brought up unresolved feelings he had long forgotten. Porter had been the one to suggest that Olivia join the FBI, and he had reassigned her to San-Francisco, which had been the proverbial nail in the coffin. ''Dean Porter, huh? I just read that he is the Executive Assistant Director of the National Security Branch. It makes sense for him to come here, but you, that I do not get.'' he said, knowing he was crossing certain lines. ''I thought you were with the Crimes Against Children's Unit. So is Porter letting you do his dirty work?''
''Barba, I know we have a personal history and that could complicate everything, but when it comes to this case nothing will get in the way.'' she promised him. ''What happened between us hurt. And it took time for me to get past it, to even be able to move on. But right now I need to focus on my job. I can't get wrapped up in our personal relationship.'' she continued on. ''And what am I even saying? We don't even have a personal relationship anymore. Not since you…'' she pointed out, but she stopped herself from finishing her last sentence.
''…walked out?'' he interjected.
She watched his gaze soften, a pain flashing through his eyes. She watched him struggle with his own words and she almost forgot how to breathe. ''I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up.''
For Barba it had been years since he had felt that way. He'd never loved anyone like he loved her, and as he stood before her, his throat tightening, he knew that hadn't changed and never would. She had raised his hopes of what a relationship could be. And losing her, even though his own fault, was something he'd never forgive himself for.
Everything came rushing back the moment he had laid eyes on her again. The overwhelming feeling of his heart skipping a beat with just a sidelong glance from her. Ever since their first meeting his life had changed forever. And still he experienced those same emotions. A sense of overpowering desire just for her.
''Don't apologize, Liv. You should never have to apologize to me.'' he told her reassuringly. ''I made the mistake.''
Moments ago she had reminded him of the need to remain professional, yet she found herself unable to. ''For years I believed that if we'd just survived my post in San-Francisco that we could've made it work. I was only there for one year before I transferred to DC.'' she explained and just like that the tone of their conversation sprang into personal territory.
''What?'' he rasped.
She let out a deep breath while her eyes began to water at the sight of his expression. ''I've been in DC for the past eight years.'' she revealed and seeing that his immediate reaction was one of pure shock.
''Eight years? You have been four hours away for eight years?'' he repeated.
She was on the verge of tears when he stepped closer towards her. Her heart pounded in her chest, and the combination of emotions caused her knees to buckle. It took all of her inner strength to keep the tears from falling, to remain levelheaded. ''This is too much. I think you should go.'' she whispered, but he stood still before her, unmoving.
Their gazed melted together, seconds passing by as neither of them dared to move, afraid to break their reverie. Silence seemed to be the most viable option at that moment, neither of them knowing how to address their past.
He finally snapped out of it, knowing she deserved her space. ''I'll go.'' he decided, ready to turn around and walk out of the room, yet something stopped him. ''No matter what happens, know that I'm here for you. Always.''
Her eyes followed him as he gradually vanished from her sight. She took a deep breath to let the tension escape her body as she closed the door. She turned around and leaned back against the closed door, needing the support it provided.
She had no idea what had just happened, or even what it all meant. In a sliver of a moment, she felt so incredibly lost. Unaware of who she was, and what she wanted. If she were honest, she'd felt lost for years to count.
Something had been missing from her life. It wasn't love. It was him. Rafael Barba. No man had ever come close in comparison. Perhaps it was her own inability to quit comparing other men to him, but still he'd always been different, ever since their first meeting.
Ten years ago…
It was early in the morning when Olivia found herself wandering the corridors of the Brooklyn courthouse on insistence of Alex. For some unfamiliar reason she had insisted that Olivia would rush to the courthouse, so she had. She thought it had to be related to the case they were currently involved with. But when she attempted to call Alex, there was no response. Next she made her way toward the courtrooms, hoping to find Alex there.
When Olivia walked down the hallway, she noticed Alex hovering in a doorway, peeking into one of the courtrooms. She carefully walked up from behind her, and patted her shoulders.
Alex whirled around, almost dropping the papers in her arms, and looked at Olivia with a guilty expression. ''Hey, you're here.'' she greeted excitedly.
Olivia noticed she was trying to cover up her obvious guilt of something. ''What did you do?'' she asked.
''Hmm, I may have talked to someone into meeting you.'' Alex beamed in response.
''Alex…no…'' she shot back.
Alex took Olivia's arm and dragged her into the courtroom with her. They sat down in the last row on the right side, closest to the jury box.
The courtroom was silent, everyone awaiting the verdict to be read by the forewoman, and Olivia had no clue what her best friend was attempting to do. The cloak and dagger routine wasn't helping her case at all.
Alex turned to Olivia. ''Maybe this will persuade you.'' she whispered while pointing into the direction of the prosecutor's table.
Her gaze shifted from the jury box to the two men Alex pointed toward. All she could see were their backs as they sat side by side as the prosecutor's table. But one man in particular caught her attention as he rose to stand. And when he turned around she was floored, completely taken aback by his presence. He moved elegantly through the courtroom, his slightly muscular build demanding her attention. The smile on his face indicated victory, and something else. Perhaps a mix of arrogance and pride. He seemed nothing like her usual type, but she had to admit she was very intrigued. There was an air of mystery to him.
''Who's that?'' she wondered aloud.
Alex smiled widely at the look on Olivia's face. ''You seem interested, Liv, and you've only seen his back.''
In confusion, Olivia leaned in closer to Alex. ''Wait, which guy are we talking about?''
She watched as Alex pointed once again, but in her disappointment at the man who had remained seated. ''He's still sitting.'' she pointed out. ''Believe me the other Prosecutor isn't your type. He joined the DA's office just a few months ago and he's overconfident, unlike you.''
''I still don't like the idea of you setting me up with someone.'' Olivia huffed, waiting for the other man to stand as the crowd began to walk out of the courtroom after the conclusion of the trial.
''He wants to meet you right now!'' Alex beamed, ignoring her best friend's wishes.
Her face turned red at the idea. ''What? Right now?'' Olivia said as the courtroom grew louder and she saw the man in question turning into their direction. He rose to stand, and realized he was much taller than the other ADA, yet she felt little attraction to him. ''Just give me a moment. I'll come to meet him outside.''
Alex quickly nodded in agreement and moved out of the row, leaving Olivia all to herself as she continued to gaze at the other ADA in awe. When she realized how desperate her behavior was, she began to rise to her feet, her phone accidentally falling onto the floor. She leaned down, and was ready to walk when she suddenly bumped against something. Or rather someone, as she looked up at the face of the man she'd been admiring earlier.
Barba moved across the courtroom, ready to make his way towards the exit when he bumped into an unsuspecting woman. She was brunette, olive-skinned. Beautiful and fierce. Those were the easiest words to describe her. But as he stopped in his track and their eyes met, he felt those words failed to describe even the tiniest bit of the person he was faced with.
Her eyes, dark brown with flecks of gold, were alluring and represented an inner fire he knew she surely possessed. Her features were delicate and framed by chocolate brown hair which reached just over her shoulders. To him she absolutely beautiful, and he felt he'd never seen anyone as stunning as her.
As he moved just a little closer, his breathing fastened. He guessed she stood 5'8 tall, just two inches shorter than him. Her figure was slender with beautiful curves.
Olivia had been staring at him with the same intensity, until she finally gathered herself after the accidental run-in. ''I'm so sorry. My phone fell, and I didn't mean to bother you.'' she apologized.
''You're no bother.'' he reassured immediately. ''I'm Rafael Barba.''
''Olivia Benson.'' she introduced
Barba extended his hand to hers, feelings sparks fly the moment she shook his. Her hand was soft and gentle, yet strong at the same time. ''It's a pleasure to meet you.''
''The pleasure is all mine.'' Olivia said, smiling back at him. He had a light scruff going on and showed a genuine expression as he smiled back at her.
She didn't often allow herself to think back to when their relationship had barely begun. Those time had seemed so much simpler, so much better. And she knew he'd been the biggest contributor to her happiness all those years ago.
Whereas now, she struggled to understand her own feelings just as much as him. His intentions remained unknown to her, but she suspected they'd never be mean-hearted. He'd broken her heart when he walked away from her, and it had taken time to understand his actions. Sometimes she still struggled to understand. But in those moments she let herself belief he tried to do best for both them, and not letting her sacrifice her shot at a career with the FBI. She could only speculate, but Barba wasn't a person to break her heart intentionally, she truly believed that.
After the encounter at the hotel, Olivia stepped outside and roamed the city for a while to clear her head, and get her bearings. Her mind remained filled with questions, but all those had to be pushed aside. She knew her own personal life could be addressed later. Her focus on the case was the most important.
Following a call from Porter, Olivia had taken a cab to meet him at the precinct where Anderson was being held for interrogation. She had no information on what Porter had planned or maybe worked out with DA, but she expected him to try and work out something with the Captain of SVU instead of the DA's office.
She hoped they'd eventually cooperate. SVU had been her second home all those years ago, and the people had become her family. She remembered them fondly, and she didn't want to ruin those friendships.
When the cab pulled up in front of the station, she handed him the cash for the fair, and quickly jumped out. She noticed Porter standing in front of the building so she rushed towards him, stopping in front of him.
''What are you planning to do?'' she asked him curiously, knowing he was someone to blur ethical lines when he deemed fit. Working with him had been both a blessing and a curse. The five years she spent working for him had become some of the best and worst times during her career at the FBI.
He turned to her, a serious expression on his face. ''I spent the better part of my flight here on the phone, but it wasn't for nothing.'' he began. ''The Deputy Director contacted the US Attorney and informed him about the details of the case, and was able to persuade him to put pressure on his colleagues here in New York.'' he continued on. ''Now it is up to the higher-ups to fight our battle for us.''
''That's great and all, but why are we here?'' she asked. ''If it's no longer up to us we should head back to DC. I don't want to create conflict with these people, Dean.'' she expressed. ''I'm not willing to hurt these people because I'm motivated to solve this case.''
Porter noticed the slight shift in her voice, indicating her hesitation. ''Is this about your past with the new EADA?'' he asked, and watched as she stared back at him in horror. ''I know Rafael Barba is the EADA in Manhattan, Olivia.''
She felt her anger boil, but kept her breathing steady to remain calm and collected. ''I thought you knew me well enough to not question my loyalty.'' she stated calmly. ''Besides, that's my personal life and it hasn't concerned you for three years, so please leave it be.''
''Just checking.'' he said as he walked away to make his entrance into the building.
Olivia waited for a moment before following him inside. And as she moved through the building, she began to process how much it had changed. Changes were to be expected, but it filled her with an ache for the past.
As they stepped into the elevator, a certain memory came rushing back. It had been a normal day at lunchtime when Barba came to visit her, and dragged her away from her desk into the elevator. Once in the elevator a passionate make-out session had followed. And her apprehension had faded when she felt herself drown in his passion. A simple touch used to consume her, the mere thought of him used to weaken her knees.
The past was so different from her present, and as she stood beside Porter, riding the elevator, she caught herself wishing her past was her present. Life would be much simpler. Her career wouldn't have devastated her, and her relationship with Barba would be uncomplicated.
But it was no longer her life to claim. She realized that as the elevator doors opened, and she snapped from her haze. She had changed. Life had happened, and there was nothing she could to do change that.
