Youth - 13/50 for the OTP Bootcamp Challenge
As they sat down, each with sad-looking plates that were about half-filled with food, Remus was struck with the situation's similarity to one that had transpired years earlier, in the prime of their youth. It was in that very moment that he made a very serious decision. If he went through with what he wanted to say, one of many things he had regretted might finally be resolved.
So far, the night had gone fairly well. They'd covered some painful topics, were still wary around one another, but if the heat that had been building inside Remus was any indication, their connection had not been lost over the years.
He observed Sirius, allowing himself some freedom from scrutiny for a few seconds.
Sirius, then like that one night at Hogwarts, was chewing sadly and silently, his eyes fixed on the table's surface. His left hand was in his lap while he lifted a fork to his lips with the other in automatic motions. With his shoulders hunched forward, he looked like a child, thin and frail. There was something in the set of his eyebrows and the tension in his muscles that belayed that youth.
Sirius sat in the Hogwarts kitchens, a plate of sweets in front of him. His head hung forward, held up by his left hand. His right was bringing food to his mouth, but the blank stare that Remus could see from his vantage point showed no enjoyment or acknowledgment of the food. Stress seemed to have overtaken Sirius, lining his forehead with wrinkles, leaving his skin flushed.
"Hey," he called out. No reaction. "James didn't mean what he said. He wants to apologize."
"He should have come to see me himself."
"You know how he is. What did you tell him? He's very upset."
He'd been a mediator in a tough, seemingly-impossible dispute between James and Sirius. He hadn't known what the problem was. He hadn't been able to resist seeking Sirius out. Fourteen years later, he was sitting across from Sirius with a confession on his lips.
It was time, years later, for his turn at an apology. Different reasons, same nervous fear.
"I'm sorry," Remus said, and watched Sirius slowly shake himself and straighten his back. Their eyes met. Remus' quickly moved to observe the room around them. There was nothing interesting to see, nothing that was comparable to Sirius. The kitchen was almost bare, nothing moved, and there was a heavy energy to the air around them.
"What for?"
"For lying by omission for many, many years. For missing my chance."
"I told him the truth. I told him my parents disowned me."
"What? Why? I had no idea!"
"It happened because I told James - and them, once they read my mail - I'm gay. I was angry, it was rash, but now it's over. James has barely been speaking to me all this year, and now we had a fight. Nothing important."
Remus struggled to put together that information with the Sirius he'd known until that point. Gay. The word refused to leave him.
"What about all the girls-"
"You're just as bad as he is. I should never have mentioned it."
"Why didn't you tell us earlier? We could have helped." Remus crossed the distance that separated them, placing one hand on Sirius' shoulder. He was shrugged away with a stiff motion, and stepped back. Perhaps it was not the time for comfort.
"Because I knew what you guys would say. I knew what my parents would do if they found out. I knew how much I was risking by continuing to so much as think about it. I knew that if it ever came out, there would be no mercy. Not from my friends, not from my family, and certainly not from strangers. I don't need that in my life."
He'd trusted James with the secret before Remus, and James had thrown it back in Sirius' face. Remus was determined not to do the same.
"Did James - did he call you a -"
Sirius nodded.
"First, I'm sorry you can't leave the house," Remus began. It was the first apology among many, though Sirius had already said that Remus was forgiven. "I know what it feels like to be trapped like this."
"It feels like I'm being hunted, even in here," Sirius said, voice wavering. "I never thought it could be this bad. I have food, I have a house, and I don't have those bloody dementors around me, but somehow I still manage to be ungrateful."
Remus saw traces of the boy he'd known in this man that sat before him. Sirius had never been one to realize his wrongdoings in the moment, but he had always had a knack for always finding himself at fault when things occasionally went wrong.
"You're not ungrateful. You do deserve better after everything." Remus didn't know if Sirius would know what he meant, but he continued carefully. "I'm glad you're back. In more ways than one. I'm guilty of a lot of things, but I don't want to be guilty by not telling you this. I missed an opportunity years ago, and it's been suffocating me. I have to let go of one little secret."
"I can't believe he said that!" Remus felt like he was slowly imploding. He wanted to tear James' face off. What happened to friends supporting one another?
James constantly spouted garbage about being a team - what was he doing calling Sirius slurs? Where did he get off on being such a horrible friend?
"I deserve it," Sirius said, and Remus felt his anger turn to Sirius.
"That's preposterous. You deserve to be happy, regardless of who does that for you."
There had been a slight niggling guilt at the back of his head. Something he was leaving out.
Sirius shrugged. "It's all hopeless anyway."
"You have me," Remus promised. "I love you, Padfoot. I couldn't live without you. Don't you dare leave us over something that bastard said."
Sirius looked at him with so much hope and wonder that Remus could have burst, except for the creeping dread that he felt. He had said it, but he was sure Sirius would never take it the way he'd meant it. He felt his blood pressure rise as his mouth and throat dried out. The silence that surrounded them in the few moments stretched out eternally, and Remus thought he might faint.
Too much at once.
Unadulterated amazement shone through Sirius' next words. "You'll stay with me?"
Remus felt the weight of everything he wanted to say and only barely squeezed the words out of his mouth. They stuck to his tongue, reluctant to be laid bare in the plain beige room in front of Sirius Black.
"I love you."
Sirius choked on his food. He coughed sharply and then blinked the tears that had risen away. "What?"
"I was thinking of that night that you told me you're gay. I made a mistake not telling you right then. There was always a feeling inside me that agreed with what you said about boys - although, never boys in general, just you. Girls are fantastic, but you were my fantasy."
"You-"
"I missed you so much. I almost died without you by my side. I thought you'd killed our best friends, but that meant nothing when I couldn't stop dreaming about you. I can't bear not to have you know when you're finally right here. I love you."
Sirius was shaking his head. Remus' heart felt like it was breaking - shattering.
"Of course I'll stay with you," Remus promised. "Through everything we've endured, you were always my first and best friend. There's nothing you could do that would change that."
Sirius stood, actions rough with emotion, and pulled Remus close in a hug.
Remus shut his eyes, wrapping his hands around Sirius in return. He squeezed, rocking slightly, and resisted the buzzing in his body that told him that he shouldn't just leave it at the hug. He wanted to shout when the contact seemed to be ending. He felt Sirius wipe at something behind his back - possibly a tear - and then the warmth against him was receding.
"Thank you, Moony." Sirius whispered, eyes bright but bloodshot.
They stood there in that half-embrace for long moments. Faces just centimetres apart, it would have been easy for Remus. There was a thick, almost tangible pull that he felt. All he'd have to do was tilt his chin up and inch slightly closer. Sirius would never even notice it.
He couldn't do it.
"Believe me," Remus pleaded, "I tried to ignore it, but the feelings have never gone away. It's always been you."
"You never said anything."
"How could I have? It was a risk that I wasn't brave enough to take. You've forgotten that I'm a werewolf - I'm nothing anyone, especially not you, wants."
Sirius, who'd stood to walk around the table, towered over Remus. There was a crazed, heated look in his eyes, though his expression remained blank. Remus felt his stomach flip, and he was glad that he hadn't eaten any of the food Sirius had served him.
"Try me." Sirius voice was little more than a growl.
Hands grabbed the front of his robes, and Remus felt himself being hauled to his feet. He felt years of confusion and uncertainty melt away when he stood, immobile, before Sirius in those last few moments. Time stopped, past and present melded, and it felt like the thirteen years separating them from youth had been just a nightmare. He felt like Sirius knew how to put them back together.
With impossibly slow movements, their lips met. Though it had seemed slow, the kiss was rough and hard. Teeth hit soft skin, and Remus thought Sirius might have drawn blood in the fervour.
"I'm sorry I never told you," Remus whispered into the kiss. "Maybe things would have been different. Maybe I could-"
"Shut up."
The next kiss was softer, one long overdue. It was full of passion and longing, aged like a good wine. Their lips met, moving in tandem as though they had years of practice. Their hands moved swiftly. Feeling Sirius pressed up against him brought a heady feeling, and Remus increased their pace. Sirius pushed Remus' hair back and away from their faces, sucking one of Remus' lips in at the same time.
Remus heard his heart beating in his ears and wrapped his arms more securely around Sirius. The gentle bite to his lip, followed by the soothing run of Sirius' tongue over the spot made fireworks explode behind his eyelids. It was silent in the room except for the obscene sounds of their kissing.
There was something liberating about the abandon that went into it. It was therapeutic; apology and forgiveness were rolled into one experience. It was a promise in the present, bringing a fuzzy possible future, but also a reminder of their past. It was a closeness that had pained Remus whenever he'd imagined it.
Unlike every time he'd pictured the moment, this one was real and it was magical.
