8-4 – Desperate Attempts at Story-Writing

Sara Wolfe, this is officially your fault.

But thanks for the encouragement ;)

Non-existing attic. Leo is standing in front of a chart, explaining the origin of Magic school. Bifi and Teshik are his non-listening victims. The former is playing with a Nunchaku while the latter is constructing a makeshift catapult…aimed at Bifi.

Leo: And so you see, this is the reason Magic School exists.

Teshik: (not looking up) Well, I knew elders had a long reaction time, but connecting the destruction of Atlantis in ancient times and the foundation of the fucking school a few years ago seems like a leeeeeetle stretch. Aside from the fact the show wanted to draw in Harry Potter fans with this cheap rip-off, which, by the way, was almost as bad as introducing Miss Tween over there.

Bifi: (to herself) …but if Barbie divorces Ken, I won't have any reasons to buy her a pretty pony glitter wedding outfit…except for dream sequences and alternate realities…

Teshik: See?

Leo: I know. But…could you please refrain from breaking the fourth wall in the future while you're here? All these people staring at me from their computer monitors are making me uneasy.

Teshik: As if there were more than two people reading this. But, if you insist…(looks at his catapult) Hmm, almost done. Say, could you get me any knifes from the kitchen downstairs while I'm aiming?

Leo: No, we're out of knives.

Teshik: Come on, how can you be "out of" knives?

Leo: Well, yesterday Wyatt and I caught Phoebe rummaging in his drawers for clothes again...

Teshik: Oh. Is Phoebe dead?

Leo: No! Wyatt would never hurt another living being. He just was a little…playful, that's all. Just throwing the knives, making sure Phoebe doesn't get hit while she's running…

Teshik: Uh huh. Egypt sure is pretty at this time of year. Fine. (goes over to a handy little anvil). Speaking of adorable things that (lifts the anvil) –unnngghh- aren't, where is everyone?

Leo: Paige is getting ready for her coffee date, Piper is in the dining room with Wyatt, obsessing about one thing or the other, and Phoebe's in her room doing something very selfish with dangerous magical equipment.

Teshik. And what about little Chr…

Leo: He's sleeping.

Teshik: But what if he…

Leo: Sleeping.

Teshik: And what about…

Leo: SLEEPING!

Teshik: (raises eyebrow) Oh…kay. No more coffee for you. (Drops anvil into the cup) Now, a little further left…Hey! Bifi! What're you doing?

Bifi: Well, I'm Bifi! I can do anything, so I'm also able to handle these Mom-choks perfectly even though I never touched them!

Teshik: Nunchaku.

Bifi: Gesundheit.

Teshik: And people wonder why I am trying to kill you. Uh, I mean… could you stand still for a little ?

Bifi: Sure! After all, I'm Bifi. I'll just move the Mumbo-socks telekinetically…ly.

Teshik: Whatever.

Leo: Could we please continue with the lesson? Paige said I only get the 20 bucks for moron-sitting if she actually learns something. Teshik? Bifi?

Bifi? Whuh?

Teshik launches his catapult in the moment Bifi is momentarily distracted and loses control over the nunchaku. Fortunately for her, she moves out of the anvils path, which flies past her to create a hole in the attic wall. The Nunchaku, missing Leo by half an inch, shatters the front window. We hear a distant scream of pain.

Teshik: Dammit. (whips out dictating device) Plan 27 beta ineffective. Moving on towards Plan 28. (puts device back in his pocket)

Bifi: Wow! Awesome!

Leo: (looking out of the window) I think you hit someone, Bifi. A punk with a Mohawk…Oh! (shouts out of the window) Sorry Mrs Jenkins! Nice haircut!

Mrs Jenkins : (distant, shouting) Rotten Kids!

Leo: (turns towards Bifi and Teshik) You two really need a counselling session.

Teshik: No, get me a flamethrower, then counselling will be unnecessary.

Leo: Why are you trying this with flamethrowers and catapults anyway? Normally, you'd just go up and start to strangle her when you feel like it.

Teshik: Because your neurotic Wife-Ex-Wife-Wife told me to. No more strangling, stabbing, or beating her with something harder than a polstered whiffle-bat. I'm using loopholes here.

Leo: But I told you not to kill Bifi – and Phoebe – for at least a hundred times! Why are you listening to her, but not me?

Teshik: Because Piper is a neurotic shrew with a short fuse and capable of blowing me into tiny peaces with her bare hands.

Leo: Oh. Point taken.

Teshik: How do you endure this "normal life" crap every single day, anyway?

Leo: She… still has my testicles in a jar somewhere.

Bifi and Teshik: Eww.

Leo: Could we…you know, finally get on with this lesson? And could you listen to me, for a change?

Teshik: Only if you take off that offending chart first.

Leo: What? What's offending at it?

Teshik: Well, you were Head of Magic School, an Elder before that, and a Whitelighter before that. Right?

Leo: Yeah?

Teshik: And you know at least a little about witchcraft and its signs, right?

Leo: Sure.

Teshik: Then explain to me why the fuck you've drawn this chart suggesting Elders, Whitelighters and Darklighters are the three Point of a Triangle, suggesting either all three are neutral or at least, Whitelighters or Elders are.

Leo: Well, that is just…

Teshik: Secondly, the spokes of your Wheel of Life are marked with the symbols of Saturn, Jupiter, Mars, the Sun, Venus, Mercury, and the Moon. Non of the numbers written next to them make any sense, neither in the geocentric nor in the heliocentric view, nor if you take them as placeholders for the weekdays. Oh, and the words you've written on the outside of the Wheel – Visitar Terra Witches Rectifiando Warlocks Occultum Lapidem – would perhaps make a little more sense if you would have left a verb in the second part of the sentence; but still, it's just a theft of the original part of the Latin proverb "Visitar Interiora Terra Rectifiando Invenies Occultum Lapidem", which translates roughly to "visit the inner Earth, enlighten yourself, and you will find the philosophers stone". Roughly, mind you, since I never took a Latin lesson in my life. And I won't even go into the interpretation of the pictures, because, for one, there's an egyptian Pharao in a mediaeval themed Wheel of Life, which is buddhistic in the first place, and for another, you somehow put "JHS" in there, and I'm not burning my fingers in the interpretation of you combining witchcraft with Mary Nazareth's firstborn son. Let's just say if we were somewhere in the Bible Belt, you would be tied to a stick in a pile of very hot wood by now.

Leo: (stunned) But..I..I…he…-WAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!- (runs from the attic, crying)

Teshik: That? Felt sooo good.

Bifi: Wow, Teshik. You really are into this, are you?

Teshik: No. Google is. Took me ten minutes, tops. The props department really ought to look at it once in a while. Now, back to business. Could you hold this can of gasoline while I go find some matches?

Bifi: Sure! I'm Bifi, I can do anything!

Teshik: Good Girl. Be right back.

---

Dining Room. Piper is sewing a costume, Paige obsessing at a mirror, the Psycho plays with his torture instruments. Teshik enters.

Teshik: Hey. Do you have any matches around here?

Piper: (suspicious) Why?

Teshik: Oh, um…just a general question?

Piper: You're trying to light Bifi on fire, are you?

Teshik: Ummm…Maybe?

Piper: You will not light her on fire. Nor will you light something flammable and hurl it in her direction.

Teshik: What if…I wanna start a comfy campfire in the attic and Bifi…accidentally falls into it?

Piper: No fire.

Teshik: Goddammit.

Paige: What do you think which lipstick (mugs) should I use?

Teshik: And what's wrong with you, exactly?

Paige: -twitches- Nothing. I'm just nervous about my coffee date, that's (spasms) all.

Teshik: (to Piper) It gets worse, doesn't it?

Piper: (to Teshik) Jup. Could you…you know.

Teshik: Yeah, I'm on it. (vanishes into the kitchen, Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: I'm getting some! Hooray!

Piper: Please let me out of this.

Phoebe: I scried, summoned the Seer, asked the stars, drank a little of D'Eartha's evil urine…He's the One!

Piper: (to herself) I will ignore the fact my sister used dark magic to get herself fertilized, I will ignore it, I will ignore it…

Phoebe: So all I need to do now is get the wedding planned, oh, and he has to propose to me first, but that's a minor issue.

Paige: Aren't you taking this a little too fast? I mean, maybe…

Phoebe: Nonsense talk, I'm getting sex tonight, no discussions about that!

Teshik returns from the kitchen with a glass in his hand. In it is a white liquid.

Teshik: Paige?

Paige: Yes?

Teshik: How about a nice glass of uh, warm milk ? You know, to calm your nerves?

Paige: I guess that's a good idea…why is this milk bubbling?

Teshik: I, uh…put a vitamin fizzy tablet in it. Never can have too many vitamins, right, gals?

Piper: Right, Teshik.

Phoebe: Totally.

Paige: In that case(downs the "milk").

Piper (to Teshik): How much?

Teshik(to Piper): Thrice the normal dosage. No threat of helicoptering here.

Piper(still whispering): Good. But aren't there side effects?

Teshik: Delusions, Hallucinations, oh, and she might fall asleep during her date. But only if she gets bored, and since she didn't have that problem with that last week…

Piper: No no. She already ditched the policeman.

Teshik: Really? But he already got to second base, at least. Why?

Piper: You know how it is. Six weeks of slampiecing for Phoebe, then Paige gets a slampiecy story arc. And I don't have the nerve to tell Paige she won't score for at least another four weeks.

Teshik: I hear you.

Piper: (holds the costume she made in front of her, smiling) So. Whattaya think?

Teshik: I think it's a little tacky, with the extra gold and stuff, but Phoebe's worn way worse before.

Piper: No, not for Phoebe. That's for Wyatt's school play!

Teshik: He's two and a half, I think. So…school? School play?

Piper: Pre-School?

Teshik: Still two and a half?

Piper: Okay, the baby daycare center.

Teshik: Better. Is that where Chri…

Piper: He's sleeping.

Teshik: But you don't even…

Piper: Sleeping.

Teshik: And what if…

Piper: SLEEPING!

Teshik: Whatever.

Piper: So, the costume is done, I got all my stuff. Come on Wyatt!

Wyatt: STARES

Piper: Aw. You little doll. Teshik, we're going to drop Paige at her date, she's in no condition to drive now.

Teshik: Wait. Why do I have to go too?

Piper: Because the only person that would protect the Blonde Bimbo from getting brutally killed is bawling in the upstairs bathroom for one reason or another.

Teshik: But…there're kids in there. I'm not really… compatible to kids.

Piper: You're coming, or I'll lock you in a room with Phoebe and Dex for the next two days.

Teshik: (shudders) Okay, I'm coming –sigh-

---

Daycare Center. Piper tries to dress Wyatt, while Teshik keeps close to the walls.

Piper: Come on little sweety, put this on.

Wyatt: STARES

Piper: I don't know why he fusses so much.

Teshik: Well as long as you're holding him, he can't run about and kill his little friends.

Piper: Don't be ridiculous! My little apple pie would never doing something like that.

Teshik: Uh huh. (look at the opposite wall, where a suspicious child-looking soot spot is currently overpainted)

Pointless Subplot: Hey Mishta! Mishta!

Teshik: (narrows eyes) Touch me and die.

Pointless Subplot: You and what army?

Teshik: I'm here with him. (points towards Wyatt)

Pointless Subplot: ImverysorrysirIdidntmeantodisturbyouinanywayohlookatthetimebyebye!

(runs away)

Teshik: Note to self: Do not anger Wyatt.

Mandy Sue: Hello Miss Distant Cousin Who Is So Totally Not Wyatt's Mom! I'm Mandy Sue!

Piper: Hello, Mandy Sue, Who I Totally Recognize Even Though You Never Appeared On Screen And Possibly Will Never Again. Could you look if I forgot a needle on his costume or something?

Mandy Sue: Well, of course I can! After all, I'm Mandy Sue, I can do anything!

Teshik: I take it you're related to Bifi, right?

Mandy Sue: What?

Teshik: Nevermind.

Mandy Sue: Well, nice of you to make that costume, but since he's going to be dressed like a pumpkin…

Piper: Pumpkin? What, wait. You explicitly said…

Mandy Sue: Oh sure you must have misheard. It's on the info-sheet, remember? Now go, we'll just take care of Wyatt better than you ever could.

(walks off with Wyatt on her hand)

Teshik: You had no idea about the info sheet, didn't you?

Piper: Well, no. It must lie around in the manor somewhere, though.

Teshik: Either that, or Miss Mandy is fucking around with your mind.

Piper: Stop it. It's just her perfectly good motherhood and stuff that I just want to…

Teshik: Strangle her? Maim her?

Piper: Don't. I know where you're headed, and, no, I won't.

Teshik: Come on. Just a teensy bit strangling?

Piper: No.

Teshik: We could curse her with scabs?

Piper: Hmm, Maybe…I mean, no. Come on, I have a pumpkin to make.

---

Attic. Bifi is concentrating Very Hard on the Mom-choks…I mean, Nunchaku, flinging them around telekinetically. Teshik enters.

Teshik: Hey, Moron, I just met your aunt or something.

Bifi: Whuh? (spins around, accidentally letting loose the Nunchaku. Teshik ducks, so it won't hit him)

Teshik: Aaaah! (gets up from the floor) Grrr… Wait. If I attack you, it's self-defence now. Thanks. (lets out primal scream, grabs the Nunchaku and proceeds to strangle her with it.)

Piper (from off-screen): Dammit Leo, I'm going to make him a cutesy pumpkin with magic and even if I have to kill everyone in sight!

Teshik: Curses, foiled again.

He drops Bifi off on Aunt Pearl's sofa, throwing a book at her, grabs a book himself and sits on the nearest armchair, pretending to read. Bifi does likewise. Piper and Leo enter, pedebitching.

Leo: But why all of the sudden do you want this? I mean, besides the whole personal gain issue…

Piper: Leo? Look at this. (holds out a jar with two things swimming in it, Leo squirms)

Bifi and Teshik: Eww! EWW!

Leo: Uh…awkward. Hey Bifi, what's up?

Bifi: Oh, I'm, like, reading. You know, I soak up knowledge. I'm a virtual sponge.

Teshik: (starts singing) Oooohh…who lives in a pineapple under the sea…

Leo: Really Honey, you wanted your normal life, and this means no conjuring pumpkin costumes.

Piper: Can it.

Teshik: (still singing) Absorbing the screen time, the blond bimbo is she…

Leo: Honey? (makes puppy eyes)

Piper: No. My precious firstborn is not going to be humiliated in front of his class.

Teshik: Baby Day care-center. By the way, where did you leave Chri…

Piper and Leo: He's sleeping.

Teshik: But it's been hours, what if…

Piper and Leo: Sleeping.

Teshik: But how…

Piper and Leo: SLEEPING!

Teshik: Okay, that does it. (drops the book and leaves the room)

---

Basement.

Teshik: Okay. If I just brutally murdered my not-wanted second child, where would I put him? (looks around, sees a heap of coal) Coal? Didn't they have centralized heating even decades ago? (puts a few pieces away, sees a white cloth) Uh-oh. I really hope he's still alive. I'm not prepared for real drama.

Teshik lifts the cloth. Underneath, there lies Tiny Gay Chris – sleeping, in clothes that would have fit him a month ago. Next to him lies a baby bottle labelled "Chris' Chloroform".

Teshik: And here I thought my family was a bunch of freaks. (empties his backpack) Okay, little guy. I'm going to get you out of here. But don't get too attached, I'm just get you (lifts him up and puts him into his backpack) to your deadbeat parents and rip them a new one, yes? Oh, and I won't change diapers. My godson already taught me babies have a terrific aim.

Tiny Gay Chris : Zzzzzzzz.

Teshik: Good boy.

---

Attic.

Leo: …and she said what I said before. No. We won't get ourselves exposed.

Teshik(from offscreen, shouting): Okay Dolt, Shrew, you are about to get the ass-whooping of your life and (he enters, Chris, awake, in his backpack) believe me, the Dolt's testicles won't be the only things missing after that!

Bifi: You know what? I'm going to Magic School. Now! (Throws a potion on the floor, she, Leo and Teshik are engulfed in it. When it dissolves, they're standing in Magic Schools hallway.)

Bifi: Oh cool! We did it!

Teshik (stunned): I…what…-blinks- I just don't know who to kill first anymore. (rubs his temples)

Leo: Look out! There are demons everywhere (They dart into an empty classroom)

Bifi: Uh-oh, and I forgot the returning potion. - You mean I accidentally got us in a demon-infested place where we all get killed?

Teshik: Then again, it's crystal clear all of a sudden. (advances towards her)

Tiny Gay Chris: Goo-Ga!

Leo: What? He's awake? What did you give him?

Teshik: Triple Frappucino in his bottle. He wouldn't react to anything else. Now, would you please let me kill the Bimbo before we're going to die?

Leo: No Teshik, we just have to get out of here. Besides, Bifi's the only witch of us.

Teshik: Does that mean we are relying on HER to not get killed?

Leo: Pretty much.

Teshik: We're doomed, you know that?

Leo: …Pretty much.

Bifi: Hey! Look at these cool artsy weapon thingies!

Leo: Come back here, someone might (two male demons turn around the corner) –sigh- come.

Demon #1: Who are you?

Teshik: Bifi, the Nunchaku!

Bifi: Gesundheit.

Teshik: (rolls eyes) The Mom-chocks, you Idiot!

Bifi: Oh. (telekinetically swings the Nunchaku at the demons, they are knocked out). Ha! Wasn't that awesome? I am, like, so cool.

Teshik: SO…MUCH….HATE…

Leo: Okay, Bifi, help me pull those demons inside the room. (they pull the demons inside. Teshik still stands outside. Bifi comes back outside and tries to drag him in)

Bifi: Come on, it's okay to be frozen with fear, happens the best of people…(a third male demon turns around the corner. He is wearing a black halter top.)

Demon #3: Hey there, sugar. How about you ditch your bimbo girlfriend and slip into something more comfortable…like me?

Teshik: -twitches- (sounding preternaturally calm) Bifi?

Bifi: Yes?

Teshik: Hold little Chris.

---

Several minutes later.

Bifi: That was like, wow! I never even thought you could, you know, stick a crossbow in there!

Leo: Bifi, shut up.

Bifi: I mean, sideways?

Leo: Bifi, PLEASE shut up.

Bifi: Why?

Leo: Because Teshik is still foaming at his mouth. I think we'd just stay silent for a while.

---

Another several minutes later.

Leo: Hey Teshik, ol' buddy ol' friend? You all right?

Teshik: ….I think I feel better now.

Leo: You know, could you…let go of the demon's arm? You know, considering it's not attached to his body anymore and all.

Teshik: Yeah, I suppose. (breathes slowly in and out) So. Back on track. What're we gonna do now?

Leo: Well, we will slip into the demons' clothes and pretending we're one of them. That way we find out what they planned, and also can get the spell which should be in the library somewhere.

Teshik: Why do you always think a demon mainly consists of wearing black leather?

Leo: Oh, it's not only that. Can you speak with a British accent?

Teshik shoots him A Look.

Leo: Okay, then don't. We zip in, grab the spell, and chant us out of here. Oh, dibs on that jewelry.

Teshik: Well, I'm not going to change, I already wear a black T-Shirt, and I won't strip a demon naked to wear his.

Leo: Fine, let's go. (Bifi and Leo walk towards the hall)

Teshik: (imitating Leo) Oh, wait Teshik. Let me take the backpack with my son hid in it, Teshik. Gaaah. (he follows)

Leo and Teshik are sorting through the books. Bifi's eavesdropping.

Teshik: By the way, why did you never bother to copy down the spells in this books? They're pretty valuable, you know.

Bifi: Guys!

Leo: Not now.

Bifi: But Wyatt's here.

Leo and Teshik: What? (They spin around and see Mandy Sue, Wyatt holding her hand)

Teshik: I told you before, this child is pure evil. I'm betting he's sacrificing Mandy Sue for some kind of ritual.

Leo: He would never do that. Mandy Sue kidnapped him, I'm sure.

Bifi: Hey Guys, who the hell is "The Source"?

Leo and Teshik suddenly look very sober.

Bifi: Guys?

Teshik: Okay, I found the spell.

Leo: Good. You and Bifi get out of here, I'll stay behind.

Teshik: Got it. Don't get killed.

Bifi: Hello? Guys?

Teshik: Shut it and follow me (drags her off, Leo stays behind)

---

Manor entrance hall. Paige enters.

Paige: Hello? Anybody home?

Phoebe: BITCH! (takes a run-up and launches herself at Paige) I KNEW IT WAS YOU!

Both fight for a moment, then Bifi, Teshik and Chris materialize at the landing.

Teshik: You know, if it wasn't a moment of tension right now, I'd whip up a batch of Popcorn and fire you on, but seriously? This is stupid Dex B-Plot. We got A-Plot issues.

Piper (entering) That's right, my son has just been kidnapped!

Phoebe and Paige get up, all proceed towards the Attic, pedeconferencing.

Teshik: It's worse than that. They want to use him to raise the Source from the dead.

All P's look sober now.

Bifi: Okay, could someone please tell me now what's wrong with this guy?

Teshik: Permission to shut her up?

Piper: Granted.
Bifi: WHAT? But..mmmpf mmff mmmmf! (Teshik gags her)

Teshik: Bifi? Don't. The Source of All Evil is too big for you. This guy was responsible for Prue's death, he's a big fuckin' badass, and he's from a time when people like me were actually caring about the characters and sitting at the edges of our seats, instead of hoping Phoebe and her slampiece issues are finally over. My rating of this episode jumped from a straight F to a fucking B minus just because this guy showed up and Leo, powerless, stayed behind to care for his son. And I care about Leos fate in this moment. The Dolt, Bifi. If you, someday, are able to pull off a stunt like me caring for you, you might even hear your real name. But not now, Bimbo. Now stay here, I gotta find out how this ends.

---

Magic School. The P's plus Teshik orb in. Teshik hides behind the door, the P's move into the hall.

Source: Well. This is too good to be true…Daddy?

Mandy Sue: WHAT? Oh…(Mandy Sue drops to the floor, the Ruth Bader Ginsburg demon remains standing) Who did this?

Charmed Ones : We did.

Leo grabs Wyatt and takes cover behind a couch.

Source: I should have known the Charmed Ones are still alive. Only you've gone soft. Without the Hollow, you cannot stop me!

Piper: Oh really? (looks at Ruth Bader Ginsburg) Hey Cupcake!

Piper flings her hands, the demon is hurled backwards. Another blast, and she incinerates. The Source is drawn into the blast, he, too, is vanquished.

Teshik (coming out from hiding): Wait, What? What just happened?

Piper: I vanquished him.

Teshik: You what? How? And how could you alone? What about the spell?

Piper: Well, Ruth Bader Ginsburg conjured him. So if she gets vanquished, he goes as well. No big deal.

Teshik: (looking increasingly shocked) But…but Wyatt conjured him! She only got a few henchman drawing up the Pentagram and kidnapped him!

Piper: My little pumpkin? No, he would never do something like that.

Teshik: (starting to shake) But…the Source of All Evil! The moral implications of Wyatt conjuring an evil being! Compelling Storylines we actually could care about? A last season going out with a bang instead of a whimper!

Phoebe: Nope, ain't gonna happen.

Teshik (squeaking in a very high voice) You…you just killed my soul! (dissolves into a sobbing heap on the carpet)

Piper: Okay guys, let's head home. Oh, and Paige? Orb over to Walmart and buy chocolate ice cream. An "Aunt Flo" portion. I think Teshik needs it right now.

---

Day-Care Center. Evening of the "School Play". Piper and Leo enter, Chris in his arms. They find Teshik, who saved them a seat.

Piper: Hey there. Still pissed?

Teshik: You betcha. Plus, I gained five pounds the last 24 hours.

Piper: What's this in your face? You look pretty bruised.

Teshik: Oh, that? Everyone who watched that show since Season One looks the same today. Kern hit us in the face with an iron rod and laughed. I think I know how Demian feels every week, now.

Leo: Could you hold this for a second? (hands Chris to Piper)

Piper: Well, it'll heal off. It always does. Oh, by the way, we decided to solve our C-Plot issue by letting Wyatt use Magic sometimes to let off steam.

Teshik: You know, the chick in front of me who blocks my view just heard every single word you said.

Nameless Chick: Yeah, but I already know you're a bunch of kooks you shouldn't listen to. So, no worries.

Teshik: I feel so much better now.

Piper: Could you hold this for a second? (hands Chris to Teshik). By the way, I thought you hated kids, so why're you here?

Teshik: I don't hate kids. Like I said, we're just not compatible. And I was interested if Wyatt blows up another classmate.

Piper: Will you stick around for the next episode?

Teshik: If I find the time. After all, I have to learn how to kill Brad Kern and Jeannine Renshaw with the power of my mind.

Piper: Shh. It's starting. Aw. My little cutesy pumpkin.

Teshik: Tell me, why exactly am I saddled with your second offspring again? With the amount of time he spends with me instead of with you, I'm surprised he doesn't call me …

Tiny Gay Chris: Da-da!

Teshik: -twitch- I hate my life.