Chapter 3: Getting Past Defenses
Night had fallen by the time BJ got back to the Pierce household. The trip into town had done BJ some good. It really was a beautiful area. He could see why Hawkeye had missed it so. Everyone was extremely friendly which went against everything he'd been told about small towns. He thought people in places like this were supposed to be suspicious of outsiders but the people of Crabapple Cove had proven him wrong. He had managed to find a pay phone and call Peg. It'd been so good to hear her voice. He really had married a saint, she was so understanding. He'd only been gone a day and already he missed her and Erin. He'd also managed to find a cheap phone to replace the one that Hawkeye had torn up. Now he wouldn't have to run into town every time he wanted to make a phone call. And perhaps, having a phone would help Hawkeye connect to the outside world again.
The house was still dark when he went inside. He set his purchases on the kitchen table and pulled out the burgers he'd gotten for himself and Hawkeye at the diner in town. Hawkeye was nowhere to be seen but BJ spotted the open door in the living room and poked his head out. "Ah, there you are. I thought you were going to sleep all night." BJ observed Hawkeye sitting on the patio chair. "It's getting kind of cool out here, do you need a sweater?"
Hawkeye shook his head but didn't turn from his contemplation of the backyard. "No I'm all right."
BJ stepped back inside and grabbed himself an afghan off of the back of the couch and then carried the burgers outside. He took the patio chair next to Hawkeye's and held out the burger to him. "Here I got us some dinner in town."
Hawkeye eyed the burger before taking it from BJ. He fiddled with the paper before turning his contemplation back to the yard and the stream. Night had fallen but he could still hear the sound of birds as they settled down for the night. Somewhere in the distance a loon called and another answered.
BJ startled and was quiet a moment as he listened to the eerie sound. "Crap, what was that?"
"Loon."
BJ studied his friend. "Uh huh. Well it certainly sounds loony. I don't think I've ever heard anything quite so haunting."
Hawkeye spared the other man a glance and thin grin. "Yeah, well, I think the sound of chopper blades has it beat hands down."
"You may be right about that." BJ stopped mid bite and studied the unwrapped burger in his friend's hand. "What's the matter? Not hungry?"
Hawkeye grimaced and started unwrapping the burger. In truth the smell was driving him crazy. He was hungry, so hungry he felt sick. The smell of the fried meat made his mouth water. He studied the burger for a moment before taking a bite. He managed to get it down and didn't throw up so he took another huge bite and then another. It tasted so good.
BJ watched as Hawkeye devoured the burger. He was eating like he hadn't seen food in weeks. He'd seen starved POW's eat with less gusto. Why hadn't Hawk been eating? He turned his attention back to his own burger and started to eat. He was contemplating the last bit of lettuce on his burger when he heard a choking sound come from Hawkeye. He turned in time to see Hawk bolt off of the patio and toward the corner of the house. Before he could make it though he watched as his friend doubled over and started heaving.
He dropped the rest of his own sandwich and rushed to Hawkeye's side. He'd fallen to his knees and his arms were shaking with the strain of the vomiting. BJ grabbed him around his chest and supported his head as his friend continued to heave long after the food was out of his stomach.
Hawkeye continued to pant, exhausted from the heaving. He cursed himself inwardly for not making it to privacy before throwing up. He knew he wouldn't have time to get into the bathroom but he'd thought he'd at least be able to make it to the side of the house. It didn't really occur to him that BJ probably would've followed him anyway. He spit onto the grass and tried to stand up. Unfortunately he was weaker than he thought and he almost ended up face first in the mess on the ground. If BJ hadn't been supporting his weight he would have.
BJ helped him up and led him back to the patio chair. "Sit still a moment." He ran into the house to get Hawkeye a glass of water. When he returned he kicked something on the patio and sent it rolling off into the grass. He handed Hawkeye the glass and went after whatever it was he'd kicked. He stopped at the edge of the patio and stared down at the object. There was just enough light coming through the door to see what it was. He swallowed, picked it up, and made sure that the lid was still tightly on. He breathed a sigh of relief in seeing the urn still intact.
BJ turned back to Hawkeye and studied him in the thin light. "It's not broken."
Hawkeye merely nodded and took another sip of water.
BJ went back to his seat and set the urn down out of harm's way. He turned back to Hawkeye and put on his doctor face, as Peg liked to call it. "How long has it been since you've eaten anything?"
Hawkeye sighed and closed his eyes. He tried to measure what he could get away with not telling his friend. After a moment he realized this wasn't something he'd be able to hide. BJ was too good of a doctor to let something like this go. Where was Frank Burns when you needed him? "I ate something a couple of nights ago." Which really wasn't a lie. He had eaten a bite. BJ didn't need to know that he'd thrown it up.
BJ furrowed his brow in concern. That wasn't long enough to make him throw up after eating something solid. Which meant one of two things. "Did you keep that down?"
Hawkeye let his head fall back against the top of the chair. He'd never lied to BJ before. In fact he'd always prided himself on the fact that he was an honest man. Sometimes too honest but then that had its uses as well. "Yeah. I must be coming down with a stomach bug or something. It's not a big deal." He stopped to take a breath and tried to hide the pain in his ribs and stomach. "If I remember correctly I once held your head while you threw up a good portion of your stomach contents all over Korea."
"Yeah but I was provoked." He hadn't missed the wince that Hawkeye had tried to hide. He got up and without asking for permission, without giving him a chance to push him back, BJ stepped forward and probed Hawkeye's stomach. He stifled a sigh as Hawkeye let out a grunt of pain and tried to fold protectively over his stomach. "You're lying to me about something. Either it's been longer since you ate or you've been throwing up for a while. Which is it?"
Hawkeye glared at the other man but didn't have the energy to push him away. "I've had some trouble keeping food down for a couple of weeks okay. It's no big deal. It's just a stomach bug and when it passes I'll be fine."
BJ tried to make out Hawkeye's features in the semidarkness. "Have you had a work up?"
Hawkeye felt as if he'd been punched in the stomach. That was the very thing he and his dad had been arguing over before he died. He pushed himself up out of the chair with shaky arms and tried to still the trembling in his hands. "Look, it was my father's wish to have his ashes scattered over the creek here. I'm going to do that and then I think I'll go to bed." He started down to the creek with the urn before turning back. "You're welcome to come if you'd like."
BJ nodded and followed his friend down to the creek bank. The way he looked a stiff wind would blow him right into the creek with his father's remains. He remained a silent witness to the scattering of the ashes of Daniel Pierce. He could see that Hawkeye was hurting and he longed to reach out, put his hand on his shoulder, and give some acknowledgement of the support he wanted to lend. But he was afraid that Hawkeye would turn him away, shrug him off, or otherwise deny the comfort.
He expected to see tears or some sign of grief as Hawkeye said his final goodbyes to his father. However, the other man remained standing stoically as if his actions had no effect on him. He watched as Hawkeye stood there for a while, lost in thoughts or memories BJ didn't know which. It wasn't until he turned to go back to the house that he stumbled. BJ was there to catch him and helped support him the rest of the way back to the house. He winced as he felt the hard edge of Hawkeye's ribs through his shirt. They were practically pushing through the skin. BJ was reminded of the young soldier who'd come into the 4077 with severe malnutrition because he'd been starving himself.
The worry in his gut twisted and he knew that it was more than a stomach bug that was affecting Hawkeye. If they didn't do something quickly he was going to starve to death. He could barely walk back to the house on his own as it was. He was definitely going to pick this subject back up at a later date. He helped Hawkeye up the stairs and into his room. There, he helped him get ready for bed and watched as exhaustion overtook the other man. His eyelids fluttered a few times but then his breathing took on the regular cadence that came with sleep. It was definitely not a good sign that Hawkeye had made no complaints and no jokes about being helped into bed. It was not a good sign at all.
Back downstairs he plugged up the new phone before heading to the couch to bed down. He kept telling himself that it was natural to be angry after the loss of a loved one. However, he couldn't help but worry. Hawkeye hadn't had an easy time of it. The war had been hard on him and now his father was gone. How would he have reacted if something happened to Peg or Erin after missing those two years of their lives? The thought made BJ shiver. He was afraid that Hawkeye was feeling alone, without an anchor, and for Hawkeye that could be dangerous.
BJ sat straight up on the couch. He'd dozed off while reading one of the few books in the study that hadn't been torn to shreds. He tried to remember what had woken him. Was it a sound? Something he'd dreamed? He was about to lie back down when the scream cut the air again. BJ felt his pulse thud in his head as he jumped and ran up the stairs. The scream reminded him of the noise that had come from the giant cat that had gotten cornered when he was a child.
By the time he got to Hawkeye's room the screams were continuous and there was a ragged edge to Hawkeye's voice. BJ threw open the door and ran to where Hawkeye was sitting up on the bed. He continued to look straightforward, unseeing, and screaming his head off. BJ tried to swallow around the lump of fear that had formed in his throat. Hawkeye was obviously staring at something that was far away from this room. BJ couldn't imagine what he must be seeing to make him scream this broken chord again and again.
He approached the bed cautiously so as not to startle him. "Hawkeye? Wake up it's a dream. Hawk?" The screaming continued and BJ grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him gently. "Hawkeye! Hawk, can you hear me? Wake up." He continued to hold his friend's shoulders as Hawkeye continued to scream. BJ was getting desperate. Hawkeye couldn't seem to snap out of the nightmare. Hawkeye's eyes were tracking things that weren't in the room and BJ closed his eyes. Memories of psychotic patients he'd seen swimming in his mind.
He continued to hold him, ignoring his own tears and the water that had filled his bowel until the screams gave way to broken sobs. He let go of Hawkeye long enough to run to the bathroom and get a cup of water. When he returned Hawkeye had locked his arms around his drawn up knees and was rocking back and forth. His eyes were still straight forward, tracking monsters that BJ could only guess at.
Between the sobs that came out of Hawkeye's torn throat BJ tried to get him to take small sips of water. Another hour passed before BJ was able to get his friend to relax enough to lie back down. Once Hawkeye's breathing became deep with sleep BJ stood and left the room. Once outside he leaned up against the wall and wiped the sweat and tears off of his own face.
Not once had Hawkeye acknowledged his presence. Not once had sanity seemed to slip back into his eyes. BJ made a resolution. Once the sun had come up he was going to find out where Sidney Freedman was and give him a call.
