When she receives Chloe's message, she immediately has a small panic attack. She hadn't really expected her to be in town, to be honest. She follows her on her private Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat and such, and she knew Chloe was in Indiana. She also isn't sure yet whether she is happy or not with the news. So she decides to call Jesse.
"Dude, I'm gonna see Chloe tomorrow. Or like the day after tomorrow. Soon anyway. What should I do? I don't even know if I want this, man. How did I get myself into this?", she rambles. She knows she does, but the small panic attack had grown into a sincere small panic attack, and she honestly needed someone to tell her it will be okay. Sort of.
He laughs at her, kindly though, and says "well, obviously you wanted this about a day ago, when you presumably send her a text or something. So I guess your unconscious does want this, you are just being your afraid little self and you are afraid Chloe is mad at you. Which, I mean, not to be a dick, but would be understandable".
"Thanks heaps Jesse! When was the last time I told you that you are one of my best friends and you obviously always want the best for me?", she says, sarcastically. But she knows he is right. Of course he is. She had wanted this, she does want this, she is just.. not prepared. Not yet. But she will get there.
"You haven't told me that in a while, but you don't need to, as I'm your only friend so I know how you feel about me. Seriously though, you want this. You have wanted this the whole past four years. I am candidly amazed that you did it. Why did you decide to actually do it now?"
And she thinks about that for a while. Why now? She has had the chance before, knows Chloe is near LA every now and then. She could have easily hit her up at some point over the last four years. What had changed that she decided she wanted to get back in touch with her now?
"I actually.. don't know. I guess it was an impulse? I have been thinking about her, you know. I mean, not in a weird way. Just wondered how she was doing. Maybe that's why. Or maybe it's because I'm getting old? We're 25 now. Maybe this is a life changing age. Maybe I am starting to get into my menopause and I feel the regret of not talking to her? Yeah it's probably my hormones. Must be it. 25 dude, you know how old that is? She is even 27 now, maybe I won't –".
"Beca, shut up. Just get your shit together and go and see her, alright? She loves you. Probably still after you have ignored her for 4 years. Which, again, dick move. Can't believe you tried to pull that one on me as well. You know me, I'm stubborn. Thanks for testing me though, made me realize I had to step up my game. Joking. Kind of. But yeah, fly to Miami, play the gig and hang out with her. You need her Becaw, and you know it."
She laughs but also tears up a little bit on the inside. He honestly is too kind for her at times and he still cares too deeply for her. And he knows her almost too well. "Thanks, Jess. Like really. What should I do without you." It was meant to be an endearing goodbye sentence but he, of course, wanted to have the last word. "Probably nothing. Cry yourself to sleep every night?" She just laughs and hangs up on him.
The two days go by quickly. Too quickly, for Beca's liking. She doesn't even really know what she'd been doing all those hours, aside from mentally preparing. She had been thinking about what to say to Chloe when she'd see her again. But she also knows that not any amount of mentally preparing will change her awkwardness at the 'moment supreme', because that's simply how she is. But even though she knows that, she still tries. She packs her bags while mumbling to herself. She packs those bags keeping Chloe in mind. Remembering the clothes Chloe had liked when they still lived at Barden. How she had sometimes made Chloe stare. Which she never addressed, but she knows has happened. Because Chloe had also taken her breath away too many times. Beca has given Chloe too many lingering stares. She tried to do it behind her back, but she knows Chloe caught her at times. But again, it never really got addressed. Only by Fat Amy, who would pester her when they were in their room alone. "I mean Becs, I know you try to cover up your eyes with eyeliner so everybody gets distracted by the actual look in them, but this can't really be unseen. Or at least not for me. You know I have amazing eyesight." Beca had never really responded too frantically, because she honestly didn't know what she had to say. Simply because she didn't know what those looks meant.
She enjoyed watching Chloe, enjoyed being with Chloe. And yes, in a different manner than she enjoyed being with Stacie or Fat Amy. Albeit she was very close with Fat Amy as well. But just in a different way. More shallow. Not that their friendship was shallow, absolutely not, but she never really got fully unraveled by Fat Amy. Not in the way Chloe had unraveled her. Which she had done way too quickly. But that was more of an exception than Fat Amy not being able to unravel her.
She hadn't liked it, at first. Chloe had come too close, had asked too personal questions too early on in the game. But she nevertheless always found herself answering them. Because she too wanted to unravel the redhead. And she knew she had to give some to get some. So she did. She had told her about her dad, about how her mom had left them when she was only very little. Had opened up about her loneliness as a child, how she had wished to have a brother or a sister. Her dad used to work a lot. Still does, but he drowned himself in his work when her mom had left them. He had worked day in and day out, dropping Beca off at kindergarten and babysitters first thing in the morning and picking her up at the end of the day. Beca hadn't known better, of course, until her freshman year in high school. She had confronted him about it, had told him that she had missed him and that she still missed him. She didn't mind being alone anymore, but she had wanted to share things with her dad. Wanted to share all her music with him, she wanted to get him to listen to her demo's. So her dad had cried, and she had cried. She had mainly cried because she cries when other people cry, but the tears were raw and real. And from that moment onward, their bond was stronger and better. He had listened to her demo's, he had gone to parent-teacher conferences, had been there when she received some of her honor rolls. They ate dinner together every night, went to sports games, went to concerts. He saw her graduate, was there in the audience applauding the loudest. He had stood up, thrown his fist in the air. She had been a bit embarrassed -which child wouldn't be- but she hadn't made a problem out of it. He was proud of her, and she was proud of herself. She had managed high school, had straight A's, and had improved her music. Her music teacher, Mr. Barns, had encouraged her. And behind her back, her dad had teamed up with him. He had asked Mr. Barns' advise about the best mixing-program, and he had bought it for her. So with her MacBook, Native Instruments Traktor Pro 2 and some other necessary stuff, he had dropped her off at Barden.
And there the whole adventure had started. Strangers, friendships and relationships. Kissing, hugging and sex. Too many parties, too many hungover lectures and tutorials. Cried because of losses, cried because of laughter. Many fights, with Jesse and Bellas, but many movie sessions to make up for it. Baking, cooking, failing and ordering food. Singing, shouting, whispering. Running, sliding of stairs, laying in bed whole days to not be able to sleep at night. It were the best years of her life. And even though it is a cliché, those years have shaped her into the person she is now. They've all had their contribution to her, some bigger than others. She sometimes wonders about what she would have turned out like without them. If she had just continued living in her dorm for 3 years, studying music and that's it. She's pretty sure she wouldn't have made it. She would have dropped out, would have gone back to Ohio to her dad, would have gotten a job there and would have tried to make it in the industry on her own. But then she definitely would not be where she is at right now. Content with her sound, content with who she is in the industry.
Or who she can be. Because if someone would ask her straight up if she is happy with her life as of now, then the answer would probably be a no. It would be considered to say yes, but if she was being totally honest, then no.
She is happy with where her music is. Because even though the internship had been shitty, it had brought her where she wanted to be right from her start in LA. Radio stations, producers and events organizations recognized her and her network had grown rapidly. She produced, send out demo's, played at clubs and bars and she had gotten bigger. She has quite the reputation now, and she is happy with that. No doubt about it.
She is also happy with her geographical location. LA is a good place to live in. She has a lovely neighbor, Alex, which she doesn't really hang out with anymore but they talked every now and then. She can provide for herself, easily, and doesn't have to worry about any major issues. But she is not happy happy. She is still alone, in the most trite sense of the word. She has Jesse and her dad, and that's about it. Aside from the contacts she makes at work, but those are shallow. You get together and you work together, you bring out a single together and then you part ways again. She sometimes writes lyrics or parts of them, but because it is never an acoustic track where the lyrics matter too much she never has to explain them to anyone. As long as the singer understands it and gives it his or her own twist and tells it he or she feels it should be told, it is fine. Then it doesn't matter that she wrote it. So that's not really any deep or significant contact.
She had slept with Alex every now and then, but they had found out that that's not really fitting for their relationship. They both didn't care enough, which was fine for a few weeks, but eventually Beca had needed her partner to be and do things Alex didn't do, simply because she wasn't that person. Beca had compared her to Jesse, in a way. And she doesn't want to admit it, but she had compared her to Chloe as well. She needed someone like Chloe to care about her. She wanted a friendship like the one she and Chloe had had, and added to that the sexual attraction. And Chloe had set those standards too high. Way too high. Every person Beca would stumble upon and would try it with, wouldn't pass the test. And she knows that. She is just not ready to settle for something less, yet. Less passionate, less rooted in her. And she will be, eventually. She just doesn't know when yet.
