Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction based upon subject matter that is not my own. Pop culture references also do not reflect ownership by me.
"I wanted to address a couple of things without the others here. I hope that's alright." Raven wasn't exactly looking forward to this. There were few things she hated more than talking about feelings. She'd spent the majority of her life suppressing them and pretending she couldn't feel them after all. But Beast Boy, it wasn't his fault, and it wasn't right to let him feel like it was. She was aware that his humor and upbeat attitude were mostly a front to hide his inner pain, but most of the time he was so immersed it those feelings he was projecting that his inner pain was almost dormant. Now though, now it was a dam threatening to burst. She wasn't used to so much sorrow, anger, hurt, and self-loathing coming from Beast Boy. Robin sure, but Garfield? She didn't like it. It was like…Starfire kicking puppies, unnatural.
"Sure Raven." Beast Boy reseated himself by her bed and waited patiently. His ears, his whole demeanor really, were drooped as if he were the puppy expecting a kick. Frankly, it kinda pissed her off. Was that really how they all saw her? That she hated them all and wanted to inflict pain and suffering upon them? Raven took a couple of deep breaths, calming and reining in all of her negative emotions. Feeling sorry for herself wasn't going to make Beast Boy feel any better. "Rae, are you okay? You seem kinda…conflicted."
"Funny, the same could be said for you." At least he was back to using her nickname, that was a good sign. "I mean it Garfield. This wasn't your fault." He looked surprised at her use of his real name. Good, she needed him to take this seriously. "You couldn't have known that Adonis was out on the streets. You couldn't have known Cyborg's 'cure' didn't actually work. You couldn't have known your attempt to…charm a favor out of me would trigger Adonis' Beast to wake. You couldn't have known any of this was going to happen, or even that it could happen. Blaming yourself isn't going to undo any of the things you weren't even responsible for. And to be perfectly honest, you're projecting and it's driving me crazy."
Beast Boy flushed but otherwise didn't react save for embarrassment and shame momentarily overpowering his other emotions. "I didn't mean for that to sound like it did, I'm sorry." she sighed.
"Nah, it's okay Rae."
"No, it isn't. You're trying to make me feel better, and I'm doing a rather poor job reciprocating. I just…" she sighed again, "I'm not very good at this." she admitted.
Beast Boy smiled, his hurt feelings receding a little as exasperated fondness pushed itself to the forefront, "You just need more practice Rae."
"I also…Cyborg's comment was out of line, and inaccurate." she admitted quietly.
"Uh…"
"It's not that I can't stand you, I can." Wait, that sounded really bad actually. "Um, that came out wrong." She sighed resting her head in one of her palms.
Beast Boy gave a self-depreciating chuckle, "I get what you're saying Raven."
"No, I really don't think you do." Raven sighed again, she really didn't want to be having this discussion. "You won't believe me."
"Believe you about what?"
"That you…I consider you my closest friend." Beast Boy's jaw dropped and his eyes bugged out. He couldn't get a coherent word, let alone sentence, past his sputtering. "See? I told you you wouldn't believe me."
"But I—you—how?" he finally managed.
"I don't have much interaction with people outside of…the Titans really." she admitted after a moment of consideration. "Starfire is wonderful, I acknowledge that, but I can only handle her in small doses. Everything she does or says or thinks is tied to her emotions. She feels everything, and with such intensity. When I go to the mall with her I have to spend an extra three hours meditating to overcome the overwhelming force of her emotions. Cyborg is fine. His emotions I can handle but we don't really have anything we can talk about to any depth. I do try to connect with him, I help him with his car sometimes, but most of the time I feel I'm more hindrance than help and he merely tolerates my presence because he's either afraid of me or he realizes I'm trying and pities me for the attempt. Robin is…well to be perfectly honest, a prick, not that I'm one to talk." Beast Boy snorted at that. "He doesn't mean to be, but I'm fairly certain it's a trait he couldn't help but pick up from his old mentor. He has good qualities, many in fact. After being inside of his head, I understand him far better and we've grown closer. But, I don't know how to explain it. He's a good companion but again, small doses are best. Especially if there is any reference to Starfire anywhere in the vicinity. He is unbearable when he thinks about her."
"So, process of elimination…but…I annoy the crap out of you." He was incredibly confused. On the bright side, most of his painful emotions were reentering their usual dormancy.
"You do have the tendency to annoy me." she admitted. "But there's more than that. I…truth be told I'd really rather not be having this discussion but I feel I owe it to you."
"No Rae, you don't have to—"
"I do Garfield. You won't understand unless I do. My discomfort is a small price to pay for…" she wasn't really sure what exactly it was she was trying to do. 'For you to feel better' just didn't fit. It cheapened what she was trying to accomplish. Unable to find an adequate explanation she moved on. "You can and do get on my nerves. You're loud, disruptive, and can be a real pain in my side…but, if that was all that you were I really wouldn't be able to stand you. That, I assure you, is not the case. The opposite really.
"Garfield, you don't let me take myself too seriously. Everyone else skirts around me; tiptoes. You either bulldoze right through or you tiptoe so mockingly that I can't take it seriously. You piss me off almost daily but no matter the consequences, you don't let that stop you. You 'cower' from me and profess being afraid of me more than anybody else but, simultaneously, I have always felt the least fear from you out of all our friends.
"You always…" Raven was having a hard time keeping her emotions in check. She'd had a trying day after all, but she would be damned if she wept in front of him. "You always try to include me, even when I refuse. Sometimes I push you too far and you'll get angry but…you always try again. You've never…" she took a deep breath to force her emotions down, "you've never outright rejected me and I…I have always regretted when I have of you. I've never encountered anyone who tries so hard, so hard to spread happiness to everyone he encounters. Even to those who throw it back in your face. You are always trying to make me laugh and my rejections only ever seem to make you try harder…I…I really appreciate it. I know I never tell you so." she sighed again, glancing up through her lashes at his incredulous face.
"You have absolutely no reason to believe any of what I'm saying is true. I wouldn't blame you if you laughed at me but, it's the truth. I guess…I…it's just that you do try harder to make me laugh when I refuse to admit I think you're funny and I'm afraid that if I ever were to admit it you'd…stop trying." she finally admitted in a small voice. Her cheeks were aflame. Embarrassment was running wild through her head scattering her other emotions to the wind. She wanted nothing more than to curl up and vanish or maybe crawl into a dark hole that would swallow her. Anything to be anywhere else but here. She really didn't think she'd survive the mortification should he actually start laughing at her. As it was her face was buried in her hands and she couldn't bring herself to look at him. She'd have never thought anything could bring her to lay herself so bare, make herself so vulnerable. But his pain, she couldn't take his pain. It wasn't right that somebody who tried so hard to make the world a better place for everybody else should have such horrors in his own world. She'd never wanted to help somebody so badly before. She knew what it was like to hate yourself; she just couldn't stand that feeling coming from him. It wasn't right. It felt so unnatural.
"Rae." Why wasn't there an alert or lighting striking her down? Anything to postpone her utter humiliation at what she'd just done rearing up and flaunting his contempt, or worse pity, for her. "Rae, will you please look at me?" She couldn't. She shook her head, curling in on herself just a little more. What the hell was wrong with her? She'd never have done this under normal circumstances. She would not curl in a ball and weep damn it! One of her emotions had better rein timid in or she was going to lose it. Beast Boy heaved a sigh, that couldn't be a good sign. "Rae, I get that you're embarrassed, but so am I. Doesn't that make you feel any better?" She shook her head. Thinking about it, she supposed that she was probably creating a positive feedback loop. She projected her embarrassment to him, he got embarrassed and she picked up on it adding to her own feeling of embarrassment which she then projected to him, and repeat. She thought to voice this observation but since he continued she stayed silent.
"Rae, I…I don't really know what to say to that. Never in a million years would I have ever guessed you felt that way. But, I got to admit…it kinda makes me feel special." Raven lifted her face to meet his gaze, surprised by the admission. His cheeks were flushed and he was scratching the back of his head in embarrassment, but there was a genuine smile on his face. The fang peaking out due to his slight under bite made his expression rather adorable. Raven threw a mental brick at Affection with the command to shut the hell up. She was making it hard to focus. "I mean, you don't exactly make a habit of letting people know how you feel about them unless it's…well, negative. And to be perfectly honest, I really thought Cyborg had the right of it."
Raven reburied her face, Shame coming out to play. She was a horrible person and this was the proof. The person she felt closest too thought she hated him. "But I'm really glad to learn that he's wrong!" he added hastily. "I mean, I knew you didn't hate me, but the fact that you actually enjoy my attention? That you think I'm funny!" he crowed, "is totally awesome Rae!" She felt his gloved fingers pulling her hands away from her face, his other hand tilting up her chin so she was looking into his eyes. "And just so you know, now that I know you think I'm funny, I'm going to try even harder to make you laugh." His smile was so genuine, the laughter in his eyes so clear, his feelings so earnest, Raven couldn't help herself. She smiled. Not the small smile she used when others weren't looking, not the devious smirk when she was about to beam somebody with the stank ball, not even the normal smile she used to really express herself when the occasion called for it. This was an honest to goodness, happy to feel included and belonged smile. She could feel the smile warming her whole person. It pushed up her cheeks, stretched and thinned her lips, her teeth peaking out, and crinkled her eyes. All in all, it was a very novel experience for her.
"Wow Rae, you should smile more often. It's a good look for you." She opened her eyes to see Beast Boy looking at her with a dazzled expression, his hand still holding her chin. She felt her cheeks flush and suddenly felt flustered all over.
She hastily smoothed her already smooth hair behind her ears, looking away; it was only her nerves that were frazzled. She stated briskly, "Don't think that this changes anything. Tomorrow I'm going back to my normal brooding self who gets annoyed and yells at you and won't admit you're funny." She hesitated, "I trust this won't be taken as reflecting judgment upon you, just that it is the easiest way for me to interact with you without feeling overwhelmed."
"It's okay to feel Rae."
"No it's not."
"It is." he insisted. "Your father's gone and he can't hurt you anymore. You can let yourself feel. Sure, it'll be hard in the beginning. It'll feel overwhelming and uncomfortable. You'll need practice. But Rae, you'd be so much happier if you could feel what you've been missing. If you could let yourself laugh at one of my jokes, if you could go shopping with Starfire without the extra meditation, if you could let your mischievous side out to prank Cyborg, if you could tell Robin you think he's a prick to his face and let me watch." His grin took over his face at that. "There are so many wonderful things you miss out on because you're so consumed with keeping your emotions in check. You may be half demon, but you're half human too, Rae. Humans are meant to feel. We're your friends Rae, we'll help you. I'll help you." he promised.
Raven closed her eyes on her tears. What was she supposed to say to that? At least she'd accomplished her goal. Garfield was so consumed with helping her he'd completely forgotten why he'd been upset with himself. "If you're nervous about it, we could start off slow. We don't need to tell the others until you're ready. You and me, we'll practice, and when you're comfortable we can have Starfire help. She'd love that. We'll work our way up, how's that sound?" He elbowed her playfully, "Tell you what, I'll even come up with all new jokes."
She smiled, "You'd really do that? You'd put up with me being uncomfortable and expressing it by being moody, annoyed, temperamental, lashing out, yelling at you, all of it?"
"Of course, I already do." she shoved him playfully.
"I mean it. I don't want to hurt your feelings but I'm assuredly going to lash out if we do this. I don't want this to be too much for you."
"That's what baby steps are for. I tell you a few jokes. When you get annoyed I'll give you a smile and a wink and go on my way. Eventually we'll be able to get through a whole conversation, I'm sure of it!"
Raven smiled softly. She appreciated it, really, but she was going to lose it if they kept talking about it. She cast her eyes around for something to change the subject to and her eyes alighted on a brown wrapped package on her nightstand. "Oh! I completely forgot, this is yours." She reached over and picked up the book, trying to hand it to him.
He smiled but didn't take it. "Are you sure?"
Her brow furrowed, "Yeah, it's that graphic novel you wanted. I picked it up today before the whole Adonis thing."
"Hmm, I don't think so. Better check the tag." Annoyed Raven opened the card, determined to shove it in his—'Rae'. Why on earth was her name in the tag? She distinctly remembered writing 'Garfield'. That wasn't even her handwriting…her eyes widened. Beast Boy chuckled. "Open it." She did and found the book she'd purchased earlier and hadn't been able to get into because of her curiosity at his book. She looked up at him confused. He smiled softly, but it was a sad smile. "Your copy got destroyed in the fight; I found it in a dumpster. My book was in the bag around your wrist, safe and sound. I, uh, got you another." He rubbed the back of his head self consciously, "The sales girl promised it was the same book. Rae, I'm sorry, please don't cry."
Raven was startled to realize she was crying. She wiped a tear and then stared at her hand in confusion. This was such a nice thing he'd done, without being asked. He'd cared enough to track down her book and then replaced it. Before she'd told him how important he was to her. Before she'd told him she didn't hate him. She looked up at him, unable to comprehend what she was supposed to do at this moment. Well, he said he was willing to help… "Garfield, what am I supposed to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"You did this nice thing for me. I…it really means a lot to me that you cared enough to track down my book, and then replaced it. What do I do? How do I…" she didn't even know what to ask, how pathetic did that make her? 'Thank you' just seemed so…inadequate for what he'd done for her. But then, it wasn't like the monks on Azarath had ever expected she'd be in the situation of having someone do something so selfless for her. She was a freaking demon for goodness sakes. Raven hated being so emotionally stunted, even if it had been necessary for the survival of an entire world.
"Um, normally I'd suggest a hug but you—oof" His sentence ended abruptly as Raven threw her arms around him. Affection was going to get her ass kicked next time she visited Nevermore. Please, you ought to be thanking me. And him. In a fact I bet a great thank you would be a ki—oof! Embarrassment had tackled Affection as if they were engaged in emotional football.
"Thank you, Garfield." she mumbled into his shirt, embarrassed and not really sure how long hugs were supposed to last; she'd only ever really initiated the one…when Garfield had come to comfort her after Malchior's betrayal. She wasn't entirely sure what had caused her to hug him then, it had just happened. She'd needed someone to be there, hold her, and tell her everything was going to be alright. This was…different. She didn't need reassurance this time, she needed to express thanks. She was starting to feel awkward but then, slowly, Garfield's arms snaked up her back and he held her close. Raven didn't really want to admit it but…hugs were nice. Maybe not Starfire hugs, but Garfield's hugs at least were very pleasant. She felt…warm.
"You can call me Gar, Rae." he smiled into her hair.
"Huh?" she asked, pulling back. He released her.
"You've never really called me Garfield before now. But since you are, I'm giving you permission to shorten it to 'Gar', I get the feeling you won't unless I 'invite' you to." he snickered, putting air quotes around 'invite'.
"Oh. Okay."
"You don't have to, if it's too…endearing for you." he smirked at her. He looked good when he smiled. It warmed his whole face. That must be what he meant by a smile being a good look for her.
"No, it'll be…good practice, to refer to you less formally."
"Uh huh." he smiled wider.
"Yes, I'll implement it in our practice."
"Sure." his grin was nearly overtaking his face at this point.
"What?"
"You haven't said it yet." he shrugged with a smirk. "Are you going to?"
"Of course. During practice."
"We're not practicing right now?"
"I think you should head to bed."
He chuckled, "Whatever you say Rae." Garfield got up and stretched. He smiled down at her. "I'll start working on some new jokes." She rolled her eyes. "Night Rae." He shocked them both by giving her a peck on the forehead. Unlike Raven however, Garfield had lots of practice letting embarrassment roll off his shoulders and not let it bother him. He smiled and waved and left the room.
Ever so quietly, just before the whoosh of the automatic door would have drowned it out, a quite, "Goodnight Gar." drifted to his ears. Raven could feel his smug satisfaction through the door. He almost seemed…excited about this. Garfield just really liked helping people. Even in her head she felt like 'Gar' was too forward, too personal. That was okay, he said that was what baby steps were for. She could work up to it.
Raven had been sleeping most of the afternoon and night, or, if not sleeping, lying unconscious. As such, she wasn't so tired that she felt she could go back to sleep, no matter how much her head ached. Unfortunately, the ache didn't have a physical cause so her trance couldn't heal it. She knew that she ought to use the time and quiet to meditate. Her mind was still in chaos. Her shields still shattered. Her emotions and control frayed far past the dangerous point. But the turmoil in her mind, which the meditation was meant to soothe, made her far too restless to meditate. Perhaps it was simply due to the setting? The med bay was quiet, but not silent. There were many small electronic noises, beeping, whirring, chiming alerts. The room was a place of healing but the ambiance wasn't one of tranquility and calm. Maybe the lack of books? Unable to bring herself to meditate Raven decided to ignore Cyborg's orders and left the room, Garfield's gift absently carried beneath her arm.
It wasn't her room that Raven found herself retiring to but the roof. The air was cool, calm, peaceful. The night was still. This had merit. Raven often came to the roof for peace and quiet, but often she had the others to contend with. Starfire loved to stargaze, looking for familiar star systems from Earth's point of view. Often she was overwhelmed with homesickness and Raven found that it was far too painful to be anywhere near the other girl at such times. Robin also frequented the roof. Even he wasn't immune to becoming stir crazy in that office of his. Often he'd need to seek the fresh air and solace of the roof to clear his mind and relax enough for his overtaxed mind to regroup before he dove into his work once more. Cyborg and Garfield frequented the roof far less often, usually to play volleyball or some other activity. That being said, Raven wasn't unaware of Garfield's tendency to launch himself from the top of the tower for a thrill. Granted he always changed into something to pull out of the fall, but that didn't mean it didn't scare the daylights out of her to see him plummet past her window without warning.
At this particular time of night, or morning rather, Raven was almost guaranteed the privacy and solitude she sought. Almost. As the door opened and Raven stepped out onto the roof, she was mostly unsurprised to find their fearless leader standing at the edge staring out over the city. "Aren't you supposed to be in med bay?" his voice drifted out from the darkness, relieved only by the stars and a sliver of moon. How he knew it was her without turning to look was probably only a process of elimination and logic. It shouldn't impress her at all, even if it actually did.
"I spent most of the day and night sleeping," she shrugged, "that doesn't much lend itself to more sleeping."
"How are you feeling?"
"Better."
"Good." They lapsed into silence. Normally Raven would let it go. She'd either head for her room and leave him to the solitude he was obviously after or retreat to a far corner to read or meditate. But she couldn't just leave this. Robin had acted wrongly yesterday with regards to Garfield and it needed to be brought to his attention. "Well," he interrupted her thoughts, "I'm heading to bed, you ought to as well." Robin passed her to enter the doorway. As he brushed past her she caught a glimpse into his emotional turmoil. It rocked her. Robin was already down the stairs before she was able to pull herself together again.
It was a bad idea. No matter which way she looked at it, it was a horrible idea. But it nagged at her. She should wait; recuperate before trying to take on such a task. But Garfield's pain reared up to taunt her. His hurt, his guilt, his heartwarming offer to work with her about controlling her emotions. He had pushed aside all of his personal problems in the face of hers. He'd done it without a thought, without hesitation. He was hurting but ignored it and offered up to her his aid. He didn't even expect anything in return. It was just him doing what he did, trying to help others in any way he could, even at his own expense. Not that she thought it was a good idea to ever try to compare herself to him, but what did that say about her that when presented with the opportunity to help him in return she balked?
Granted, the timing wasn't ideal as she wasn't exactly in the best shape to have a knock out, drag down, emotional battle with one of the worst emotional offenders in the Tower but if she waited too long the opportunity might pass her for good. It needed to be while the others weren't around to witness it. Robin would never admit he was in the wrong in front of witnesses, especially the team. He'd see it as undermining his authority. Then again, he was also probably asleep by now. After thinking for some several moments Raven decided that she would approach their leader first thing in the morning. Decided, she returned to med bay no longer so restless and actually almost tired enough to sleep. Instead she chose to meditate and repair her shields as best she could and think over what she'd say on the morrow.
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First thing in the morning came and Raven checked herself out of med bay. Cyborg wouldn't like it but that was just too bad. Determined, if not wholly refreshed, Raven set out to find the Boy Wonder. She stretched out her awareness and sensed him near the training room thus directed herself there, more tired out by the exercise of her powers then she wanted to admit. It was almost alarming how much effort it took. She decided she'd worry about it later. Robin was apparently just finishing his early morning routine; she caught him on his way out.
"Robin, I wish to speak to you about yesterday."
"I'm assuming from your tone that you'd like to continue on your rant from the med bay. Your concerns are noted but I think I'll pass on the lecture, thanks." His sarcasm was beyond irritating. Fine, he wanted to have that attitude about it, there was no reason she couldn't accommodate that. He wanted to be pissed; she'd give him something to be pissed at.
"Robin, we need to talk."
"So you can yell at me, no, I don't think so." he deadpanned turning away.
"That wasn't a request." That stopped him in his tracks; he waited, back still turned. "I'm approaching you as a teammate with concern of behavior unbecoming of a Titan; you are obligated and duty bound to hear what I have to say."
"My office, now." he barked, stomping his way there. Raven followed silently. "Alright," he started as soon as the door whooshed closed behind her, "I'm listening, as I'm duty-bound and obligated to do so." he replied sarcastically.
"You owe Beast Boy an apology."
"That's what you wanted to talk to me about?" Raven could feel Robin's anger and frustration. There was also a little resentment mixed in, Robin hated being lectured, but he really hated being wrong.
"Your behavior was out of line, barring Beast Boy from the med bay and ordering the others to do the same."
"That was for your protection, or have you forgotten how he kidnapped you last time." Robin snapped.
"Your actions were based on a misinterpretation of past behavior, a misinterpretation that I thought I had cleared up. Beast Boy was acting to protect me."
"By dragging you through the sewers and then trying to take you again from med bay!"
"Beast Boy wasn't in control then, not like this time. Before, Beast Boy was ruled by his Beast and was acting through his subconscious. It's called Psychology Robin, I thought with your last partner you'd be an expert in the subject."
"What's that supposed to mean?" his anger had spiked with that last comment, his eyes narrowed.
"You're not the only one with dossiers on your teammates; you're just not as thorough at hiding the fact."
"What has that to do with Beast Boy?" he asked through gritted teeth.
"Beast Boy's Beast is driven mostly by instinct, the instinct to defend, protect, survive. What was he supposed to do when you all attacked him?"
"We didn't know it was—"
"I'm aware of the fact that you didn't know it was Beast Boy and that you were in fact acting in what you thought was my best interests. But I was referring to the fact that Beast Boy only reverted back once you'd knocked out the Beast. While Beast Boy was in control, his conscious mind was also in control and his subconscious, what drives the Beast, was unaware of anything happening. So what was he to think when he woke up surrounded by all of you with me, who he thought he was defending from you, unconscious and unable to defend myself from the people who attacked him? He attacked and tried to take me with him. He didn't know what he was doing was wrong. It's different now."
"And how would you know, you were unconscious when he transformed, this time as well as last time. He completely lost control Raven! He shredded his uniform because he didn't morph, he transformed."
"He might have transformed rather than morphed but if he'd lost control he would have killed Adonis and went on a rampage. Is Adonis dead?" When Robin only narrowed his eyes she continued, "Did he attack anyone else? Did he attack any of you? Was he not able to morph back? Did he attack me?" When Robin remained silent she crossed her arms and with more feeling made her point. "What I was awake for was Beast Boy coming to my aid angry that none of you had."
"That's not fair, we had to make sure—" Raven raised a hand to cut him off.
"I'm not angry for any lack of aid Robin, I'm aware that if he had lost control he was a higher priority. What I am angry at is that he demonstrated that he hadn't lost control when he morphed back to check on me but you still treated him like he'd gone on a psychotic rampage."
"It was merely a precaution. He wasn't being punished or anything. I fail to see why you're making such a big deal about all this."
"It is a big deal Robin." Raven snapped, fighting to maintain an even temper. Robin definitely knew how to push buttons, the prick. "Barring Beast Boy from the med bay itself might not seem like a big deal, but the consequences of your actions are. Do you have any idea how that made Beast Boy feel? I do. I could feel his resentment, his anger, bitterness, hurt, frustration, his overwhelming guilt…his self loathing. He thinks it's all his fault I got hurt! He's heaped the blame wholly upon his shoulders and refuses to see reason." Raven huffed angrily, rubbing her temples. "Everybody has their demons Robin, but unlike some spiky-haired people, Beast Boy actually tries to come to terms with his. Did you know that after the first time he transformed he came to me and asked me to remove the Beast from his mind?" Robin's shock and surprise were clear despite his oversized mask. "I refused of course."
"Why would you do that if he asked you to?" Robin's tone was one of curiosity, his anger slowly fading.
"Because the Beast isn't some thing that possessed him. It's part of him. I know enough about repressed emotion to know that it can manifest itself in surprising ways. Beast Boy is much closer to nature than the rest of us. Just like his ability is to morph into animals, he's connected to them. He's attuned to them. He maintains his human sentience and existence in animal form but that doesn't mean he doesn't also maintain his more animalistic characteristics in human form. Beast Boy's instincts are unparalleled, even as a human. He may lack the focus to utilize them as efficiently as he's capable of, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have them. The other side of that, unfortunately, is that some instincts are frowned upon by 'civilization'.
"So what does he do? He buries and represses those instincts and anything else remotely 'non-human'. The Beast is all of Beast Boy's repressed characteristics. Everything he's buried in his subconscious. Removing that from him would do untold damage to his mind. None of it is bad or malicious. None of it is anything the rest of us don't also have and also repress. His just tends to be stronger because of his abilities. Because those characteristics are stronger, they have much more power to manifest themselves. The accident just gave them the opportunity. Aggression for example, in small doses it isn't harmful, but if you bottle it up and it explodes, the consequences can be far more damaging compared to releasing it in more healthy ways. But you know all about that. It isn't just for training that you spend all that time in the training room.
"I've explained all of this to Beast Boy and he has been working to accept those things about himself that he previously tried to repress. I didn't remove the Beast, I did however remove the block that prevented his conscious and subconscious minds from communicating with each other. Beast Boy won't lose control again because it is always Beast Boy in control; the Beast is Beast Boy, just a smaller part of his overall psyche." She cleared her throat, "None of this is really any of your business but I felt the need to explain this to you so you'd understand why your actions were unnecessary and wrong. You owe Beast Boy an apology."
"If Beast Boy had been mature about the situation and explained it himself instead of sending you—" he began, angry and defensive before Raven cut him off.
"Beast Boy doesn't even know I'm here! He didn't give me permission to tell you what I have; that was private but I felt it was the only way to make you understand. You've got no right to pass judgment on his conduct Robin! You're not exactly the perfect role model for proper behavior. Need I remind you of your outrageous obsession with Slade and the lengths you went through to get him? Just because Beast Boy doesn't act the way you think he should doesn't mean he doesn't take his job seriously. Just because he likes to be easy going doesn't mean he's incapable of being serious. Just because he's not you, or what you think he should be, doesn't give you the right to disrespect him and undermine the trust he puts in you! You used your position of authority to—"
"That's enough. You have no right to lecture me on how to do my job and be a leader. I made a judgment call based on the facts in my possession. You don't like it, fine, but I expect my team to follow my orders. He was banned from the med bay and violating those orders and acting like a child because his feelings were hurt—"
"How dare you belittle his feelings!" she lit up in anger. Her control on her temper was dangerously frayed. She really ought to leave and meditate to calm down but the fact that he couldn't just admit he was wrong and apologize was beyond ridiculous. "I'm an empath Robin, in case you've forgotten I can sense other people's emotions. You have no idea what he's feeling. You have no idea the turmoil he was in because of his actions and how you reacted to those actions. We're your teammates Robin, and I would have thought by now, after everything we've been through, you'd trust us. Your actions made it very clear you don't trust Beast Boy; and you have the nerve to throw him being upset about that in his face?"
"I never said I didn't trust him!"
"Would you stop being such an ass? You banned him from med bay because you thought he'd kidnap me! He saved my life Robin! And he saved all of your lives yesterday!" She snapped; her eyes and hands glowing with power as her emotions were getting the better of her.
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm an empath Robin." she reiterated. "I sense the emotions of others around me. Normally I can filter them from my own and not let them influence me. But you might have missed that I wasn't exactly in the greatest shape after my fight with Adonis. I have to meditate daily to keep my powers in check; I have shields to keep me from losing control. You know what happens when I lose control, you've seen it. Maybe it was the adrenaline from the fight, maybe it was my exhaustion, maybe the emotions roiling around me, probably had to do with the head injury I had, but I wasn't in control Robin. I could feel it all. Hate, resentment, fear, bitterness, joy, sadness, remorse, relief, panic, rage, worry, alarm, triumph, self-loathing, anger, embarrassment, guilt…anything and everything that could be felt was being felt. Did you know Starfire feels with everything she is? That she has enough emotion to sustain an army? And she can project like no one I've ever encountered. She was standing three feet from me.
"I wasn't in control Robin. I was in a storm of emotion with me at its eye. Emotion was battering me wave after wave, barrage after barrage. I've never been in such pain. My shields had shattered, my head was literally spit open; but I would have welcomed the physical pain if it would have shielded me from all the feeling." Raven's emotions were running rampant in her head; Robin's emotions were not helping any either. She really ought to just stop but she needed to get this out. Needed to make him understand. Garfield ought to be the last of Robin's concerns.
"Can you even imagine what would have happened if Beast Boy hadn't intervened? All he thought he was doing was helping me. He even morphed so his emotions would be blunted and not hurt me further. He has no idea—" her voice cracked, she took a couple of deep breaths to hold back her tears, "no idea, that by taking me away, to the calm and quiet of the Tower, that he was saving countless lives. Visualize with me:" she ticked them off her fingers, "your temper, Starfire's intensity, Cyborg's stubborn endurance, Beast Boy's tendency to be unpredictable, the crowd's terror…Can you even begin to imagine the horror that I would have unleashed upon all those people?
"I'm half Demon Robin. I may no longer be possessed by my Father, but he is still my sire. I have to spend every day overcoming my heritage. Well within my capabilities normally, but yesterday wasn't a normal day, was it? He had no idea that by trying to ease my pain he was saving countless lives. I doubt he could ever even imagine what I'm capable of, but you," she looked him dead in the eye, "you can. All too clearly. You've seen it before. You're picturing it now, I can feel it. Your horror, your disgust, your realization. Beast Boy's control isn't what you ought to be worrying about. Beast Boy's behavior isn't what should concern you. Beast Boy's not the one you can't trust. You don't even know if you'd be able to stop me if that happened Robin, not without resorting to something permanent.
"What you're feeling, what you're picturing…like you, it will haunt me for the rest of my days. That's why this is a big deal. That's why I'm being so insistent that you apologize to Beast Boy. He's not a monster, I know firsthand what a monster is," she got up in his face, making sure that he got this point quite clearly even if that did mean he would see the water threatening to overflow from her eyes, "and I will not stand by and let him think himself one. I will not let him think you think him one. Beast Boy doesn't deserve it and I'll not allow it. I'm an empath Robin, I know exactly how he feels and you couldn't even begin to understand the motivation behind it. Beast Boy doesn't have a single malicious thought in his head, which is more than I can say for the vast majority of everyone else. He is the last person who deserves to feel the way he feels. Either you apologize and make this right or I will make life very unpleasant for you. Unlike Beast Boy, I'm more than capable of being malicious. But you already know that." Raven backed off, blinking quickly and breathing deeply. She would not cry, no one would ever see her cry. She made that mistake before and it had been used against her. She'd made the mistake before and would not be repeating it. Ever. Last night with Garfield didn't count since she hadn't been upset per se...She turned to leave.
"Raven." she hesitated. Robin wasn't a bad guy, even if he did have a stick up his ass, but then, who was she to talk after all? So she waited, completely blocking anything and everything he was feeling, trying to keep in control. "Why do you feel so strongly about this?" He didn't sound mad anymore, concerned actually.
Without turning she answered, "I can't change how anyone sees me Robin, but I can change how you see him. He looks up to you, admires you. I don't want your perceptions of him to diminish his perceptions of you. He doesn't need to feel like another authority figure looks down on him. You saw how the leader of the Doom Patrol treated him. I felt how that made him feel. I never want him to feel that again." With that she left him and teleported to her room.
Once in her room her deep breaths became gasps for air. She clutched her head with both hands, squeezed her eyes shut, and tried to find enough focus to chant. She needed to calm down. Objects were already whizzing around her room from the excess power she couldn't keep contained. Robin was lucky she hadn't made anything explode in his room. And to add insult to injury she was crying. No amount of blinking would keep the tears at bay. Why did anyone want to feel when this was the result? She was really reconsidering her agreement with Garfield. Her gasps were threatening to turn into sobs and she really didn't think she could bring herself to endure that. This was the advantage to being numb all the time; sure you didn't ever feel overwhelming joy, but was that really worth it when the trade off was this?
All those people. All she could think about was what would have happened if Garfield hadn't been worried about her, trying to help her, they would have been…a sob lodged in her throat choking her. She knew exactly how Garfield felt, the difference was that he didn't deserve to. He wasn't a monster. He couldn't be if he tried. Not that he lacked the capacity to be dangerous, what he lacked was the desire to be. Raven wished she wasn't dangerous. She wished that when her subconscious manifested it wasn't to the endangerment to everyone around her; that it didn't desire to destroy everything. Garfield's Beast was downright tame compared to her Demon.
None of that would matter, however, if she didn't get control of herself. What had possessed her to attempt this with downed shields? By now most of her books, knickknacks, and other smaller random objects were floating about the room, more or less revolving around her. That was both a good and bad sign. It was good because that mean that some of the chaos in her mind was attempting to be less chaotic, but it was bad because it meant she was far from being in control; of her emotions or her powers. A very dangerous combination. Raven, still clutching her head, gasping and sobbing, bent all of her will to forcing down her emotions. It didn't matter what Garfield said or promised, it was just too dangerous for her to let her emotions have any freedom. If it meant she had to exist solely as an empty shell to keep everyone around her safe, she'd do it, in a heartbeat. She'd dedicated her whole life to preventing Trigon's rein; she'd be damned if now that he was defeated she'd end up doing the deed herself.
Raven forced her emotions down, lashing them down in her mind with bonds of her dark energy. She hadn't expected them to fight back. Her emotions did not appreciate the idea of losing what little freedom they had and they would not accept it without a fight. Banding together they threw off her bindings and raged through her mind. Any semblance of control shattered and the objects floating around her room began to whiz about and collide violently. She could feel her powers swelling within her, a backlash of what she'd applied to tie down her emotions. She fought to contain it, terrified of what damage its release would do. It was a battle she knew she wasn't going to win. The pressure of it building in her mind dropped her to her knees with a pained cry. All of her consciousness, all her awareness, was bent to the task to bury the building power. If she could overload it within herself, before it was released, that might stop—
"Raven!" A pounding on her door and the shout distracted her and her defenses were overwhelmed. Her dark energy exploded from her mind, reverberated throughout her room and she found herself in darkness.
AN: So let me know what you guys think! I'm working on my chapters as much as I can and I'll update as soon as I get my editing done on completed chapters.
