Disclaimer: I do not own The 100.
Thanks to all the wonderful readers who reviewed and commented on this story. You're keeping me going. The slow build up continues. Hang in there. When I get them in the right place, these two are going to go supernova.
The next morning I found a flower in front of my tent. I stared down at it like it was poisonous. Who left it? Bellamy? It didn't seem like something he would do.
And if it was Finn...
I kicked it to the side.
The day started out like usual. The round of patients, the chat with Bellamy. He didn't say anything about the flower. I felt eyes on me all day long. I had a feeling they belonged to Finn.
I saved his checkup for last. In fact, I avoided it. I even went out of my way to find Bellamy and talk about those portable med packs. We reached an understanding fairly quickly, surprisingly. I told him I would compile a list and check out the local vegetation with Monty to see if there was anything we could use.
I settled the scheduling of classes with Octavia. She was glad to have something to do. Bellamy keeping her out of trouble meant she had a lot of time on her hands to observe people, which meant she knew just who the first group of students should be. From there it was easy for her to organize the rotation.
She had a brain. I'd always known that. I was just glad we were on speaking terms again. I didn't think she'd forget any time soon. Then again, neither would I. For now we had an uneasy truce.
I still hadn't seen Finn by midday. Lucky for me, Monty was willing to go on the expedition sooner than expected. Like, immediately. So we went. It took a few hours, but we made enough progress that I started to feel like this would actually work. We took plants back to camp.
We were in top half of the drop ship, organizing as best we could, when Bellamy found us. He climbed out of the hatch. Monty took one look at him and mumbled an excuse of some kind. He practically ran out of there.
Bellamy half-smiled at me, as if to say, See? I told you.
I sighed. That was enough. "Okay. Clearly this is not going to go away on its own, so let's do this." I turned and faced him dead on. "The thing about attaching myself to the alpha male? It gives all the power in that relationship to the alpha male, who could just shove me out of the way any time he wanted."
He watched me, lips tight.
"Strong girls don't need strong men, Bellamy. Strong girls just need themselves."
"Maybe it's the other way around, then." He stepped closer, head angling.
I put my hand firmly on his chest. "I didn't pick you. I can't make it any more clear than that."
"And why is that, Princess? There's no one here better for you than me."
"Based on what? The fact that people listen to you? You know just as well as I do that you're walking a tightrope."
"Because you're right on that rope with me. We all are. You've been telling me this whole time that the only way any of us is going to survive is by working together. Here I am offering just that and you're turning me down."
"Then do us both a favor and just take this out." I pushed, making him fall back a step. "If you want to work together, fine. But don't dress it up with smiles and getting too close. Don't try to manipulate me. Either be honest or get the hell out of my way."
"Be honest? Fine." He grabbed my head in both his hands and kissed me. It was hard, short, and nothing like my kiss with Finn. It wasn't need. I didn't know what it was, but it wasn't need.
He pulled back, glaring at me defiantly. "How's that for honest?"
I punched him in the face. I cried out when my knuckles connected. I forget to tuck my thumb in on the side instead of in the fist, and pain radiated all the way up to my elbow. I cradled my injured limb to my chest, breathing hard. "How's that?" I bit out.
Why the hell did so many people hit each other? There was nothing satisfying about it.
"Don't ever grab me like that again. I kiss who I want, when I want."
He ran his tongue over the inside of his cheek, using a thumb to brush the side of his lips. His face was red, but I doubted it would bruise. He'd taken worse hits.
I didn't know how many emotions eyes could show. He was thinking about grabbing me again, I could see that, and he was angry. But he didn't move. Instead he nodded almost to himself, like he'd accepted my conditions. "So what does it take, Princess? Spacewalker's hero hair? His inability to mention the other girls in his life?"
I felt that all the way down to my bones. When Bellamy came out swinging, he didn't mess around. He knew just where to hit with only a few words. All the blood drained out of my face. "I picked him because he made an effort to understand me," I said quietly. I didn't think I could say it louder. "He saw me as more than a means to an end. And for just a second, he made me forget how utterly miserable this place could be."
Something flittered across Bellamy's face. "Clarke..." He couldn't seem to find words, and he turned away from me in clear frustration.
I didn't know why we were still talking. "Let's get this settled. Do you want to be partners or not?"
He looked tall and strong standing there. He had that classic lone wolf figure, straight but wide enough for someone to wrap their arms around him. He even looked a little bit lonely, staring at the floor in thought like that. Amazing that there were nearly a hundred other kids with us and we both felt like that.
I shook my head. Stupid. Of course he wasn't lonely. He had Octavia and a half a dozen girls in his harem. If there was anybody who could use some alone time, it was Bellamy Blake.
Or maybe not. Just because there were people around, didn't mean he felt he could depend on them.
I sighed. Now I was defending him in my head. I guess all this time spent in close quarters together was starting to get to me after all. "I think we'd work well together," I ventured into the silence, "as long as you accept the conditions."
His big hand twitched at his side. "You know, Princess, I've never been one to follow the rules to the letter." He turned to me. "Yes, I want to be partners, but I'm not going to be a good boy and roll over."
I wanted to tear my hair out. "What the hell is the matter with you?" I burst out. "Why do you keep insisting on bringing sex or whatever into this? It's totally unnecessary!"
He stilled. "What the fuck is so unnecessary about wanting you?" His voice was quiet and thunderous.
My lips parted. Wanting me?
Wait, why was I surprised? Of course he—that was what the sex part was all about, after all.
He coiled like a cobra I saw in a picture once, the look on his face freezing the air in my lungs. "I thought you were smarter than that, Clarke."
What did that mean?
Why was it so hard to breathe?
Was this fear?
"I. Pick. You."
I felt weak all of a sudden. All over.
This time when he came closer, he didn't walk. He stalked. I wanted to recoil. I had the strangest urge to run in the opposite direction, like I was looking death in the eye. But that wasn't what was going on here. It was something entirely different.
Something I had no words for.
I inhaled and held it, trying not to inhale his scent. I stared at his left shoulder. Look up, I commanded myself helplessly. Look up, dammit.
I couldn't.
He was literally so close I could feel warm air gently puffing across my forehead.
This wasn't me. I wasn't a coward. I used to be a doctor-in-training. I was a healer now. Where was my self-control? I swallowed. "I...don't see why..."
"Yeah. You don't. Doesn't matter." His hand ghosted up my arm to my shoulder, not touching.
"Are you going to try and make me believe you care about me?" I did meet his eyes then, challenging him to lie to my face.
"Think words like 'care' and 'love' mean anything down here, Princess? That's for people like Spacewalker and Raven. People like us are about actions." His hand drifted over my shoulder. Again, he didn't touch me. He was mocking the wall I'd set up between us.
"Sounds like a weak pick up line to me." I sounded braver than I felt. I captured his wrist—which was almost too big to circle my fingers around—and held him still.
He didn't resist. "Love is nothing. It's just a pretty name for something that can change overnight."
"Then what's this? Lust?"
He shook his head, and for once, he didn't look angry or upset. He was almost soft. "Connection."
I let that wash over me.
"You and me, we're the kind of people that give up all of ourselves for things we deem worth it, and when we do, we take it all the way to the end." He looked at our hands. "Now imagine," he said as he caressed a finger over my skin, "if we decided to commit ourselves to each other. A nice word like love wouldn't hold a candle to what we could have."
That sounds so nice.
What? Was I crazy? Nice? I was lonelier than I'd thought if Bellamy Blake could spin this kind of tale to me. "Love is a pretty word," I admitted, "but it also means being happy with someone."
"Sometimes. Is that better than just being glad they exist, all the time?" He was holding my hand now, not the other way around. He seemed to be fascinated by the texture, rubbing his thumb down mine. "Wanting someone with you all the time, because they understand you? Feeling good deep down where no one can see, right in the gut, because in the back of your mind you know this person wants the same things you do?" His eyes darkened when they met mine. "Is it, Clarke?"
The way he said my name caused a shiver to run down my spine. "I don't know," I admitted. "I find it hard to think when you're—"
He stepped back.
I felt like he'd just cut off something vital. I looked down at my—now empty—hand.
"So go and think," he said, all dark control. "Think long and hard when I'm not close and we can't touch. When you realize I'm right, you won't be able to say that I manipulated you." He spread his arms out a little. "I'm the one."
Where did he get off saying that? Where was he finding the courage to make that kind of-of—announcement? People didn't go around declaring their intentions. They dodged around it, playing that game of 'whoever cares least wins'. They didn't want to be hurt.
I didn't want to be hurt. Not the way that I was. Bellamy was older than me; hadn't that ever happened to him?
Suddenly I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure about anything—myself, what I wanted, if I could even be what Bellamy was clearly expecting.
More important than that, though, was what I expected of myself. And him.
He was right about a lot of things, I thought as we made our way back down the hatch and into the camp. I walked a little behind him, eyeing his back every so and so often. We'd be a good team. We were the kind of people who threw ourselves into things. He was a natural protector and responsible in more ways than I'd initially given him credit for. He had a sense of fairness, even if it was on the barbaric side.
Ever since we'd come to Earth, I'd seen people transform from perfectly contained animals to wild and reckless creatures that I couldn't really label properly. They just...went crazy, like they'd been waiting their whole lives to burst free. And Bellamy led the pack. Controlled anarchy.
What he was proposing was the next step. Organization. It fell into what I'd hoped for since the beginning. I should have been glad we were starting to see eye to eye on that, but did I trust him to see it through?
Maybe. If it benefitted him.
I could see how it would benefit him.
I could see how it would benefit me.
I'd rejected the idea of a partnership based on sex and power alone. I was worth more than that. I wasn't pulling some bullshit when I said I didn't need anyone but myself. Sometimes, though, I wanted to need. I wanted to not be the strong one every once in a while.
I wondered, suddenly, if that was part of what motivated Bellamy.
He'd tempted me. Tempted me deeply. He made it sound like a match, an unstoppable union between two like-minded people with something deeper than others could fathom. There was just one thing missing in all of that.
Trust.
I was judging every word he said. I wouldn't have been surprised if he did the same with me. How was that going to help either of us? Worse, it wasn't something we could fix by just deciding that it was better.
My head was starting to hurt. I stopped. "Finn."
He turned and looked at me, scowling. "What?"
"I forgot to check on Finn." Oh god, how could that be? Ugh, how could I have forgotten? The guy nearly died on my table and I was thinking about Bellamy Blake's back.
Get it together, Clarke.
"I've got to go."
Bellamy's arm shot out, blocking me. "Hey."
I looked from it to him. "What?"
He opened his mouth. Closed it. Shook his head and dropped his arm. "Nothing."
Someone called his name. He walked away without looking back. Again.
I went to Finn's tent with lead feet. Raven was there, but only for a few minutes. She had patrols. She gave us a good long look before she left, clearly reluctant to leave us alone. I felt even worse, but I set that aside so I could check the stitches.
Finn lay on his back, shirtless, not saying a word as he watched me. After ten minutes I sat back on my heels. "Looks good," I said woodenly.
"Think so?" he asked with a cheeky grin. Clearly he meant himself.
That would have made me smile not too long ago. "You shouldn't move around so much. We don't have the supplies or the manpower to try a second surgery. You'd be dead, Finn. Don't push your luck."
"Hey." He caught my hand.
I pulled it back.
He hesitated, fingers curling in the air. "Anything interesting happen this morning?" he asked suddenly. "Anything special?"
The flower. So it was Finn.
Why had he done that? I felt a surge of anger. Wasn't he thinking about Raven at all? That girl was so head over heels for him she risked her life to get to Earth. She built a shuttle out of scrape, dammit. That deserved some credit. "Nothing important," I answered impulsively, getting up.
I was so confused. On the one hand I wanted to feel flattered by the gesture. On the other I wanted to ask him just what the hell he thought he was doing, sneaking behind someone's back. That wasn't me. It wasn't who I was, and I didn't like Finn acting as though leaving me presents was a good thing.
I left before he could say another word. I needed space. I needed a second to myself.
The second I emerged from the tent I spotted Bellamy. His back was to me. He was talking to Octavia, holding his hands like he was talking about a box. I paused and considered him with a critical eye. Even at a distance, a person would be able to tell who the others looked to for guidance. It was in the way he stood.
His head turned. He looked right at me.
Even with a half dozen kids milling between us, our eyes seemed to connect without any effort at all.
I wasn't in the habit of lying to myself. Not really. There were truths that I wanted to believe, and truths that I didn't, but flat out lying about something wasn't a habit I'd ever picked up.
So I knew, then and there, that I was in trouble.
