AN: Nothing but the story belongs to me, and even the story is mostly inspired by the creators, writers, and producers of Glee.
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No one was more surprised than Rachel to see how excited people were about the Losers' Ball. She wasn't kidding herself—it wasn't something the entire school was buzzing about; in fact, it probably wasn't even on the radar screen of at least half of McKinley High. But the event announcements had a respectable number of re-tweets and tumblr reblogs & "likes," and the number of "yes" and "maybe" attending responses on their Facebook page ensured that the night wouldn't find just her, Mercedes, Kurt, and Blaine dressing up in their very best for a glorified movie night. More than anything, Rachel was thrilled and surprised by the reactions of the other glee kids. All of them (well, all except the two who hadn't been told) had not only agreed to help with the preparations, but had enthusiastically committed to giving up the Junior Prom in order to attend the alternative event.
Rachel had worried about asking Lauren to help because she knew how much energy their newest member was devoting to her own campaign for prom queen; she was afraid that asking Lauren to give up some of her time to help them out with putting the movie dance clips together was too much of a sacrifice. But Lauren was totally cool with it, saying that under her leadership the A/V production would be Spielberg-worthy; in fact, she and Artie had drafted the entire A/V club to help and they were all planning on attending the Ball. When Mercedes and Rachel suggested that Lauren could delegate the project to someone else on the night of the dance so that she could be at Prom, Lauren laughed and said she had already made the point she wanted by running for Prom Queen—that self-confidence was the most powerful quality a person could have, and it would take you farther than worrying about whether other people said you were pretty or popular. Puck had told them that he could care less about going to Prom—that it was probably going to be lame, but he was doing it for Lauren, and that clearly anyplace the Puckmeister went would automatically become cool. Tina and Artie had never thought Junior Prom was that big of a deal and both were more than a little disgusted anyway by the ideal of a pastel princess-y theme, and Mike and Brittany were happy to go along with whatever their respective girlfriend and boyfriend wanted—especially when it gave them a chance to show off and lead others in spectacular dance routines.
Sam and Santana took the longest to make up their minds. Sam was reluctant to give up his Prom King nomination; like Quinn and Finn, he believed in the value of status and popularity. He'd been working hard all year to be number one in the school, only to take the number two spot to Finn time after time. The three Ds thought that he probably knew Finn would win, but might be hoping to lay the groundwork for automatically moving up to the number one spot after Finn graduated next year; not disappointing the gaggle of freshmen girls who had nominated him to be King would be an important part of such a strategy. But once he learned about the school's policy that was keeping Kurt from bringing Blaine as his prom date, Sam quickly changed his mind—the rule wasn't cool; Kurt should be able to go with whoever he wanted. If that's the way the school was going to play things, then Sam guessed he could miss out on the dance.
The problem for Santana wasn't giving up running for prom queen (the 3Ds, and everyone else, were still confused about why she was running in the first place; they thought it must be some sort of resurfacing of the old rivalry between her and Quinn, and they were glad for the sake of peaceful glee-relations that she was willing to let it go). Instead, Santana said she didn't want to be seen attending an event for self-designated "losers." Even after she learned about Kurt and why they were holding the Losers' Ball she resisted coming, only changing her mind after hearing Mike and Brittany going on about all the dances they were planning on staging. But still insisting that she needed cover for going, and for ditching Karofsky and the Junior Prom, she talked the 3Ds into using the Ball as a chance to practice some of their Nationals songs. That way, Santana explained, when people asked her why she was hanging out with the losers all night, she could tell them that Berry forced her to go under the threat of taking her lead parts in the competition away.
"Look," she said, "we all go to the freaking ball, we get to test the songs out in front of an audience, and, if anyone gives me a hard time, I get to bitch about Rachel being a control-freak; it's a win-win-win." Ignoring the part about blaming her, Rachel resisted at first; remembering the mattress commercial disaster, she was afraid of having the club do anything at a non-official event. She feared that Coach Sylvester would somehow find an obscure show choir rule that could be used to disqualify them from going to Nationals. Mercedes and Kurt finally persuaded her, though; they read through the rule book five times and made sure there weren't any problems, and Kurt insisted that they could easily argue this was not a New Directions performance because they would be absent two of their members—one of whom was the club's co-captain. Sensing that Santana really did want to come, Rachel finally gave in and agreed that they could practice Mercedes' and Kurt's duet and the number with Santana, Kurt, Tina, Artie, and her. Rachel had to admit that getting feedback from an audience could help them with any last minute adjustments to the numbers, especially when that audience would include the Warblers, who had agreed to come and sing for the Ball. They could also get feedback from some of the parents who had agreed to serve as chaperones—no teachers were being asked to attend in a further attempt to keep the event separated from any official connection with the school. Nonetheless, both Mr. Schue and Coach Beiste, after they learned of the Losers' Ball, said they were planning on stopping by "just a members of the community, to show our support."
Rachel was pretty certain that, despite the different reasons they all gave, each member of the New Directions was mostly agreeing to support the Losers' Ball for Kurt's sake. They really had become kind of like a family during their past two years together, she thought; while they might fight among themselves, they had each others' backs. No one wanted to risk losing Kurt again, and no one, whether they'd say it out loud or not, wanted to take part in an event that would exclude one of their own because he was being true to who he was.
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Everyone was throwing themselves into the planning and preparations with an energy Rachel had never seen from the group before. After calling around to several places where they could hold the ball and being unable to find someplace that was both the right size and in their budget, the 3Ds asked for ideas from the other glee members. The misters Berry had solicited and received donations that would cover all their costs so long as rental fees weren't too high, and the more they could save on rent, the more they had available for food and decorations. (Mercedes had to keep reining Kurt in on his elaborate decorating schemes, which could have easily run into the thousands of dollars if he had his way.)
The 3Ds were determined not to charge admission; they knew several of their fellow students were in families really struggling with finances in this economy and they didn't want anyone to have to stay away from the dance because of the cost. Mercedes' church sponsored a local Girl Scout Troop that was running a free "Prom Shop,"; Troop members had asked people to donate used prom gowns and accessories and, after gathering them, they approached local dry cleaners to see if the businesses would clean and press the gowns as a charitable donation. The Scouts also contacted tux rental places and got them to agree to donate a certain number of rentals for free to guys who couldn't rent a tux on their own. Anyone who wanted to could stop by the church and pick out a gown, a voucher for a rental, or whatever they might need that was there. The 3Ds included a link to the Girl Scout Troop's website describing the program on all of their event sites as a way of helping people know what was available. A few kids had come up to Mercedes in the halls to thank her; some had asked if they could use the Scout service even if they were going to the Junior Prom, and Mercedes told them not to worry, assuring them that's what it was there for. Others told her they were coming to the Losers' Ball because they were so happy to have learned about this service. Still other kids came up and asked Mercedes if she knew whether the Scouts would accept their purchased clothes as donations after the dance was over.
They had decided to carry out Rachel's initial plan of letting people make free will donations at the door the night of the Ball. The donations would be split in two, with half of whatever they received going to the Trevor Project, a national 24-hour, toll free confidential suicide hotline for gay and questioning youth, and half being saved to use as start-up funding for a new club the 3Ds were going to start at McKinley next year; Kurt, and now Mercedes, had agreed that they should do what Rachel had suggested sophomore year and form a GayLesbAl (Gay-Lesbian-Alliance group) to help change the school's attitudes about sexual orientation. Next year, everyone would be able to go to the Senior Prom as themselves, with whomever they wanted as their date. The Loser's Ball could help lay the groundwork for the new organization by raising initial awareness about it.
In the meantime, they still had to pull off this event, which meant finding a location that would fit their needs. It had been Brittany who came up with the solution.
"Why don't we hold it at our home?" she asked.
"Brittany, I don't think my home is going to be big enough, and kids aren't going to want to go there anyway," Rachel replied.
"No, not your home; our home." All of the group, gathered for lunch around a table in the cafeteria, looked at Brittany in confusion until Artie gently inquired, "And where is our home, Brit?"
"You know—our home; where we went to practice the week Coach Sylvester kept us out of the auditorium. It was fun there, with lots of pretty lights and music, and they had a snack bar and everything."
Santana understood first. "You mean the old roller-rink? The one April Rhodes used to run?"
Brittany nodded, happy someone finally understood her. "Yah; our home. It'll be especially good for Artie, because the floor is made for wheels to roll on."
Now the kids looked around at each other. Mike spoke up first. "That wooden floor is a perfect surface for dancing," he said.
"And there's a built-in sound system, and even a stage for the singers," Mercedes offered. "That would save us the costs of having to rent audio equipment and risers."
"And more than enough parking for the people who'll come," Tina said.
Puck jumped in, saying, "A dump like that is sure to come cheap; we could probably pay a third of the rent any other place would charge and that lame-o dive would still make more money than they usually bring in on a Saturday night."
Rachel looked over at Kurt and saw all sorts of decorating possibilities beginning to blossom in his expression. With a smile breaking out on her own face, she said, "A lame-o dive for the Losers' Ball; it's the perfect place. You're brilliant, Brittany! I'll call them right away."
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The roller-rink manager happily agreed to rent out the place for the evening; Rachel thought she was probably hoping that kids who had a good time at the dance would return in the future to go skating there. They were cautioned that no one could actually skate during the dance because of liability concerns, but agreed to let students use their light and audio systems. They also agreed that the students could use the snack bar for preparing and serving any food they brought in for refreshments. Kurt and Mercedes adapted the decorating plans they'd already started to take the best advantage of the venue, with Kurt saying it was even more retro than he could have hoped for, and Artie and Lauren started work on including a scene from the movie Xanadu to the dance clips they'd be projecting.
Rachel's dads had let the kids take over the Oscar room in the basement as party-planning headquarters, and every corner of the room was full of decorations and supplies. The 3Ds were there constantly, joined by Blaine, who would drive over after Dalton got out so that he could spend time with Kurt and join in the fun of planning. And not a day went by without one or more of the other glee kids coming by to drop something off, share a new idea, help in the various projects, screen the increasingly complex and awesome A/V presentation Lauren and Artie were creating, or just hang out and join in the joking and laughter. It all felt like a dream to Rachel; she kept surreptitiously pinching herself to make certain this was real. Never, in her entire life, had she imagined that she'd be at the center of a group like this; never had she imagined that her house would be the place kids would come to hang out; never had she thought she would find so many friends who wanted to be with each other and with her. Although she didn't say it out loud, she knew that her favorite part of the Losers' Ball—the part she'd remember always, no matter what happened at the dance itself-would be these days of being a part of a group working so hard to create something special.
In addition to the overall organization, Rachel's particular job was choosing the music—but very soon, others assigned themselves to the music selection task force as well. One afternoon when he had stopped by with Lauren, Puck walked up behind Rachel as she was working on her laptop and quickly scanned the list of songs on her screen. He then turned to her with a scowl and said, "What is that, Rachel? Next year's New Directions set-list, or songs for the dance?"
Before she could respond, Puck continued. "Know what? Doesn't matter; not going to happen either way. Santana," he called across the room to where the girl was sitting with Brittany as they watched Lauren's and Artie's latest efforts on a lap-top, "get over here and take a look at this!"
Rachel was sputtering as Santana sauntered over, looked at the music, and said, "No. Freaking. Way. We are not playing only songs from the movies, Broadway tunes, and numbers by Streisand and Celine. This is a dance, Berry; we may be losers, but we're losers with excellent taste in music. Start putting these on the list." And she began to spew out the titles of songs so fast that Rachel could barely keep up; she stopped trying altogether when Puck joined in with his own list. Tina wandered over with suggestions of her own, and soon they had become a committee of four, with occasional songs being thrown out by others in the room. Rachel realized that she wasn't going to control the music selections, so, instead, she decided to organize them, making columns for songs they'd ask the Warblers to sing, songs they'd be projecting from films, and songs they'd have Artie and the other A/V kids, as DJs, play.
Puck came up with the idea of adding karaoke as part of the evening. He insisted that it would help keep people from thinking this was a glee-event because karaoke was for everyone. "Besides," he said, "it's a way to vet members for next year. I don't need to go trying to recruit members in the locker room again and getting thrown into Port-a-johns for my trouble; been there, done that." Rachel, who had been cringing at the thought of some of the painful music that might result from open karaoke, couldn't help but see the logic once Puck explained the recruiting angle, and so they started another list of songs to have available for karaoke time. She was impressed with how serious Puck was when he talked about the benefit this would be to the glee club; she knew he loved singing, and being part of the group, but she realized that she hadn't taken the time to fully notice how important glee had become to him.
And he was really getting into the Losers' Ball; he'd gone from being the guy who thought prom and dances were lame to sometimes even out-bossing her in making sure everyone was getting their parts of the preparation done. There was only one thing about the Ball that he wasn't happy with, and he kept urging her, and Kurt, to change it: he was certain that they should let Finn know what was going on.
At Kurt's insistence, all the glee kids had agreed not to mention the event to Finn; even Brittany, after it had been explained to her several times by Santana, understood why Kurt wanted to keep it a secret. No one needed to be told to keep it quiet around Quinn; they all knew how singularly focused she was on being Queen and, as each day went by, they became more and more careful not to get in her way when she was in "campaign mode." But Puck, even though he promised not to tell, kept pushing them to change their minds. Kurt eventually got up and walked away when Puck started in on this, muttering that he didn't have time to listen to this again, and that this was about his family, and Puck needed to drop it. That meant Rachel got the bulk of Puck's complaints.
"Finn should know, Rachel. He should have the chance to choose to do the right thing."
"Noah," she said, "it's already hard enough on Kurt to have the school maintain this policy. He doesn't need fighting about it in his home. And you know Finn has to go to the Prom; he's with Quinn—he's not going to leave her hanging."
Puck shook his head as the echo of his words from last year washed over them. "We don't know that, Rachel—I mean, we don't know that it will lead to fighting, and we don't know what Finn will do. Kurt really matters to him; he'd want to stick up for his brother."
"I know that, Noah." Rachel hesitated, remembering the last time she had asked Finn to stand up for Kurt, and how, while he had failed to do so at the time, he'd come around and planned a special tribute to show his step-brother just how much he mattered to him. "I know Finn loves Kurt like they're true brothers. But I—we can't ask him to do this, to make this choice. If he chooses Kurt, he'll hurt Quinn; someone's going to get hurt, and either way Finn will be hurt by having to decide what to do." Her voice slipped to a whisper as she said, "He's been hurt enough already; I can't bear to cause him more pain."
She stopped and was silent for a long moment, staring down at her hands, fingers twisting themselves over and over each other, until they were clasped by both of Puck's hands. Rachel looked up and saw compassion in his eyes as he told her, "Rachel, stop blaming yourself. It wasn't all you—in fact, it wasn't really you at all. It was me, and Quinn, and the fact that Finn hadn't ever faced it. And I don't want to hurt him anymore, either—you know that."
Seeing her nod, Puck went on. "But Rachel, he is going to be—not just hurt, but pissed off that no one told him about this. He's going to find out; you know he will, sooner or later. He always does, and when he does, he loses it. I don't know how many times more he'll be able to handle learning the group, or people in it, have kept a secret from him. And when he finds out this was your idea—Rachel, right now? I think he might forgive you sometime; I think he already has, really, even if he won't admit it to himself. I think he might get his head straight about all this, and that you'll have another chance, if that's what you still want. I don't want that to be screwed up for you. For both of you. And, even without all of that, Finn should be allowed the chance to do the right thing."
Tears were welling in her eyes as Rachel slowly shook her head. "The decision is Kurt's, Noah, not mine; it's Kurt's life, and I'm doing whatever I can to help with that. And Finn . . . he and Quinn are together; they've always belonged together. I tried and tried and, while he's been wonderful as a friend, there isn't anything more for me. If there ever was, that ship has sailed; there's nothing more I can do to get it right if he won't take what I want to give him. The story ends up with them together, and me out of the picture. So, if he gets angry at me? At least I'll have done right by Kurt. But thank you, Noah; I'm glad you decided, in the end, to be my friend."
Puck looked at her long and hard before giving her hands a final squeeze and saying, "What are you talking about, Berry? We were always friends."
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That night, after everyone left, Rachel stayed awake staring at her bedroom ceiling. For all the front she worked so carefully to maintain, she had never for a moment even tried to lie to herself. It was true that she still hurt when she saw Finn and Quinn together or thought about them being together. While familiarity with the sight and notion had changed the hurt just a little bit—as in feeling just long, huge, sharp needles, rather than daggers, of pain shooting through her— the hurt was still undeniably present. But what she told Noah was the truth—she was, slowly, coming to accept the fact that there was nothing there for her anymore. As hard as it was to admit it, it seemed like Quinn was right; Finn's choosing her, Rachel, was the temporary aberration, something that was never bound to last.
She had watched them the night of the benefit-concert-that-wasn't while Mercedes sang, and as she watched, Mercedes' words seemed to hit her with stunning force—maybe it was time for her to stop pretending to be something she was not. She wasn't Quinn; she would never be Quinn. If Quinn was what Finn wanted, there was never any way things would work out between them. Even though he had told her she was beautiful, that meant nothing as far as a future between them was concerned, because all she had to do was look by his side and see who he had chosen. Hearing those words from him had transported her back to the nurses' office on Valentine's Day, that moment when for the first time (and at a time when it, it turned out, it was too late for the words to have meaning) he had told he she was beautiful. And then had admitted that while he felt fireworks when with Quinn, with her he felt nothing special, nothing worth trying to hold on to. And if, despite all Quinn had done to hurt him—much more than she herself had done—Finn was able to forget and forgive in order to be with her? He must truly have loved Quinn all along.
She and Finn were meant to be friends, nothing more. It was time to start moving on; to move forward; to let herself focus on all the others things that mattered in life. When she didn't see them together, she was able, for moments at a time, to forget about Finn and Quinn. She had come to find it was possible to walk down the halls of the school without feeling like she was being kicked in the stomach each time she saw one of Quinn's and Finn's campaign posters. Indeed, there were times when she could make it down an entire hall without even noticing the posters, because she was so busy talking to others about the plans for their ball, and about all the other things suddenly going on in her life.
Once her entire life's focus had been on becoming a star and it had seemed like there was no room in her life for anything else. Then Finn had been added in, and Rachel had worked hard to balance time with her boyfriend and time with her career preparation. Now, Rachel thought, she must have figured out a way to add hours on to the day, because she was keeping up her full schedule of school, all of her extra lessons, and had replaced Finn-time with planning for the dance. But as full as her days were, she was still finding ways to squeeze in more—trips to the mall with Kurt, Mercedes and Tina both for their outfits and for party supplies; movie-watching sessions with the other kids to see if there was just one more movie dance scene to include. And things not related to school, lessons, glee or the dance—going to a movie with Artie, Brittany, Puck, Lauren and Mercedes; going with Kurt, Blaine and Tina to see the community college production of West Side Story; mini-golf with almost all the glee kids. If sometimes it felt like she didn't recognize her life, she was more than happy to be living it and learning about the new ways it could be.
In the immediate future she was committed to pulling off a fabulous event for Kurt's sake, and to doing everything she could to make sure they killed at Nationals. Looking toward the future beyond these things, tomorrow she would put the application for the summer program into the mailbox. Jesse had told her about the program last year, and, when she asked her mom about it, Shelby had raved about the opportunities and training the program provided. Rachel had downloaded and completed the application weeks ago and gotten reference letters from her ballet teacher, her vocal coach, and Mr. Schue; she'd even e-mailed Shelby to see if her mother had any contacts with people on the admissions committee who could be asked to be sure to look out for her application. But she hadn't sent it off, fearing that a full summer away from Lima might ruin any chance she could ever possibly have with Finn, because it would mean leaving him to Quinn for two and a half months. Rachel now committed herself to not letting anything hold her back, especially an unattainable fantasy. She would succeed with the Losers' Ball, she'd succeed at Nationals, and she'd move forward into a summer of success and into discovering even more about how her life could be, ready to meet new people and build on the success of her current friendships by seeing if she could make even more while preparing herself for the work she loved.
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